This is the Johnny Walker Blue Label Bar by Porsche Design. It costs $150,000, and it’s what Don Draper would have in his office if Mad Men took place in the near future like I suggested. It’s made of titanium, it opens and closes like magic, and it would look absolutely ridiculous in your house. Pretty much the perfect Unnecessary Purchase. But at least it comes with three bottles of their good stuff. You can hardly afford to not buy it.

Last Week: 5-11
Overall: 29-32-2

Damn. On to the picks.

Tennessee +3.5 at Pittsburgh

Looking good, James Harrison.

Kansas City +3 at Indianapolis

Here is the face Todd Haley will make if this game plays true to the line. Here is Jim Caldwell’s. He’s not much for the emotions.

Arizona at Minnesota -3

One of the truly terrible 0-4 teams needs to get on the board, and I’ll be damned if it’s going to be the Colts.

Philadelphia at Buffalo +3

Oakland +6 at Houston

No Andre Johnson, no points. That’s the rule I just made up.

New Orleans -7 at Carolina

The Saints haven’t had any problem covering covering spreads the last few weeks, including a nine point cover on the road last week. Step on their fucking neck, Mr. Brees

Cincinnati +3 at Jacksonville

I guess I’m a bit of a slut for three(ish)-point dogs. Why choose one or two when I can have five?

Seattle +10 at New York Giants

I almost broke tradition and picked the Giants. But that’s what they want me to do. They covered again last week thanks to some bullshit ruling. So yeah, I’ll take the points and…Seattle? Fuck.

Tampa Bay +3 at San Francisco

Well I’m certainly not going to change horses in midstream. Idioms!

New York Jets at New England -9

I just get the feeling that New England is going to do horribly dirty things to the Jets. Really spread ‘em wide and go to town.

San Diego -4 at Denver

Maybe this will be the week that Marmalard will stop dicking around and throw more than two touchdowns. Huh? What? Produce, you asshole!

Green Bay -6 at Atlanta

Yep, this is officially way too many road teams. That doesn’t mean I’m not going to pick the Packers though.

Chicago at Detroit -6

Chicago’s Brandon Merriweather was fined $20k for another helmet-to-helmet hit. Brandon Merriweather is the 99%.

Tzom kal.