Hit the jump right now because I want to start swearing immediately.

What the fuck is this? WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? Are you shitting me, ESPN? ARE YOU PEOPLE FUCKING BLIND AND DEAF?

This is a real thing. I swear to you. DJ Gallo didn’t make this as a Photoshop just as some kind of sick joke. ESPN actually did this. Why? BECAUSE THEY ARE FUCKS AND I HOPE THEY BURN IN GODDAMN HELL. ALL OF THEM. Chad Millman, who is the editor of ESPN The Shitheap, needs to be tied to a post and lashed with a dead stingray for this. This is fucking horrible. This is White Vick with a fucking House of Pain tattoo grafted on for good measure. Did you people NOT get the fucking memo? Were you not aware that the entire goddamn world hates you already for overcovering Boston sports? Did you not know that there are entire sites like this one that were founded specifically to act as a counterbalance to your ongoing and utterly baffling provincialism? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

Even Dan Snyder isn’t this culturally tone deaf. The entire ESPN brand mission now is apparently to piss off as many people as possible as quickly as possible. “Durrrrr, everyone’s sick of us covering the Red Sox, let’s do a Boston issue! Durrrrr, everyone thinks Colin Cowherd molests dead children, let’s put him on the air ALL THE TIME! Durrrrr, more Ron Jaworski opera voice! That’ll really kick everyone in the nuts!” Why not just change the magazine name to BSTN? Or fuck it, change the whole goddamn network’s name to BSTN, then hire Shank and Ron Borges and every other hack who has kissed Ted Williams’ frozen head, and go all the way with it? YOU KNOW IT’S WHAT YOU WANT TO DO ANYWAY.

Let’s just take a look at every horrible element of the cover. It’s like my kid took a shit into a kaleidoscope tube. “America’s Most Dominant Sports City.” Why are you gloating about Boston FOR Boston? They don’t need your help to be cunts.

And this goddamn subhead.

Four teams. Seven titles. Ten years. Do the math.

What math? There’s no math to be done here. It’s just counting. Am I supposed to add those numbers together to get some kind of proprietary CBR rating? Congrats, Boston! You have 21! BLACKJACK. NOW GO FUCKING DIE.

Inside the Boston Issue.

So it’s a whole issue? Why? Why does it need a theme? This is worse than Deadspin Comedy Week. No one asked for this. If I want a whole issue of Boston sports, I can read some asshole Boston magazine, like BOSTON or QUINZEE SIKH RAPE ILLUSTRATED.

Is Tom Brady too pretty?

Again, that’s real. Is he too pretty? DOES HE LACK THE REQUISITE GRITTINESS OF OW-AH FACKIN’ WAHLBERGIAN PAWPULATION? Maybe he’s too gay, and NO ONE IN MASSACHUSETTS IS GAY OR ANYTHING. Oh no! We have the best QB of the 21st century BUT HE’S TOO FAGGY FOR US! WAHHHHHH WAHHHHHH.

New York Sucks, by Denis Leary

Oh, thank God. Because here it was unclear to me that Denis Leary wasn’t a Boston fan. Hey Denis, here’s every episode of “Rescue Me”:

LENNY CLARKE: Tommy, stop drinking!

TOMMY: Screw you!

LENNY CLARKE: Ah, I’m just giving you shit!

TOMMY: Me too! Now let’s go drink and give each other MORE shit and that’s the episode! 9/11 9/11 9/11.

This Whole Issue Is A Bad Idea, by Bill Simmons

Of course. Of course you’d try and distance yourself from something obnoxious and somehow make yourself MORE obnoxious in the process. God dammit, you people fucking SUCK. All of you. Simmons and Affleck and Wahlberg and whoever the fuck thought that THIS, this Northeastern Alleyway Abortion was a good idea. Fuck you, ESPN. DIE. Die forever.