A couple weeks ago, I ordered these horrific jean short boxer briefs from Japan, because I pledged to wear them during Fight Gone Bad this Saturday if I raised $30,000 for the Special Operations Warrior Foundation, and it looked like KSK readers were going to hit that mark.

Now, I’m a medium. Always have been, since I hit puberty at age 22. The problem is, Japanese people are smaller than Americans, and so a medium in Japan is a small in America. Like, very small.  When I said that I couldn’t wear anything gayer than rainbow snakeskin short-shorts, that was before I tried on super-tight spandex boxer briefs meant to look like denim hot pants.

Fortunately for me, I haven’t raised $30,000 yet. As I write this, I’m holding steady at $25,260. Surely there’s no way that KSK readers could mobilize to raise an additional $4740 by Saturday morning. There’s simply no way people could donate enough in time to humiliate me more. Nope, I’m going to be able to keep a few shreds of dignity after all. Nothing could possibl-eye go wrong.

Phew!

Anyway, you’re here for sex and fantasy football. Let’s get to your questions:

Oh Wise Man of Pigskin and Pussylickin,

Football: After a thoroughly shitty performance by Rapey Ben, and an injury to Bradford on my bench, I scrambled to pick up Cam Newton off waivers (we have a FAAB so I bid $8 out of 100 for the season). How dumb of a move was this? There isn’t much else on the wire except Henne, who also had a good week but how faith can one really put in Chad Fucking Henne?

None. You can have no faith in Henne. Even if, say, you autodrafted him in a 16-team league and there are no starting quarterbacks on the waiver wire, and so you started Sam Bradford, and then you lost your Week 1 fantasy matchup because Henne had 40 points to Bradford’s 4. Not that that happened to me. Just strictly a hypothetical fucking situation with that fucking Down syndrome-looking Rams dipshit under center.

Also, my team spectacularly underperformed, from V-Jax/Braylon and Sydney Rice injured at WR, to LeGarrette at RB with Jacobs and Pierre Thomas as possible backups. Is it too soon to freak out? I’m also a Giants fan so I’m already bracing for a season full of disappointment.

A lot of people are singling out Chris Johnson for a lackluster Week 1 performance (9 carries, 25 yards), but Blount’s whopping 15 yards from scrimmage also earns him a well-deserved dick-punching. Nevertheless, I think it’s still too early to freak out. Unless someone is injured or clearly not getting looks (Chad Johnson), the NFL season doesn’t start to take shape until about Week 4. Stick with the guys you intended to be your starters, for now.

Not sex per se, but depending on how I handle such situations it definitely affects how much I have: Naturally, my girlfriend and I argue. However, I feel like there’s a double standard when we do similar things. If she brings up an old thing, she’s making a point. If I do it, I’m being petty and can’t let things go, etc. Any ideas on how I can point this out without coming off as an asshole?

Also, there are phases when seemingly small arguments escalate very fast. I’m not a human stenographer, and I hardly ever remember what goes down in an argument after it’s done, so its seemingly always my fault in some way because she remembers more than I do (although I suspect that her knowledge of my forgetfulness has been used against me several times). How do I get across that not everything is my fault without having the “it’s not about (who’s right or wrong/keeping count)” argument for the hundredth time?

Thanks, Fluke Newton

Ugh, I’m getting some ugly flashbacks reading your email. Women can win any argument with any number of tactics that we simple-minded men lack the appropriate skill set for: wheedling, whining, crying, manipulation of facts, and their ace in the hole: ignoring reason. I once had a girlfriend who told me that she was jealous because she cared, and that my lack of jealous behavior was a sign that I didn’t care.

I later told her that if I stayed with her, I’d be dead of a heart attack by 50. In retrospect, that was a conservative estimate.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the twin foundations of any successful relationship are communication and compromise. If you’re fighting with your girlfriend more often than you’re saying, “Wow, this woman gets me,” then end it right now. Don’t even finish reading the mailbag. Call her up and break it off, then go outside and remember what fresh air feels like. A relationship is collaborative; if your partner is keeping score, she’s lost sight of — or maybe she never realized — that you should be on the same team.

P.S. to make up for the unsexyness of my inquiries, please accept my token of a hot picture of Marisa Miller.

That is an acceptable token of apology.

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Oh Captain, My Captain

Fantasy: 12 team yahoo league. Are either Hardesty or Ridley worth keeping around? My top three backs are set with McFadden, AD and Wells but I took a gamble on the two backups above think there was a shot at least one would break out. I’m stacked at WR and TE, lacking backups elsewhere. Is it worth dumping either now?

Wait, what? You’re stacked with three solid starting RBs, and you’re stacked at WR and TE, and your complaint is that you don’t have backups? Fuck you. Go hang out on the waiver wire.

Sex (sort of, not really): Through mutual friends I’d gotten to know a younger girl, and she seemed legitimately into me. I asked her if she wanted to get together. She didn’t hesitate, said yes, seemed excited to give me her number. When I called to ask her out on a few days later she seemed wishy washy on the idea. I took it as a blowoff, that she wasn’t interested and I didn’t make another attempt. I brought it up with her roommate a couple weeks later, wondering if she’d said anything. I was confused because the girl and I still saw each other fairly regularly and she still seemed interested. It turns out she was turned off on the idea of going on a date. So is her roommate. So are a lot of women in their early 20s, apparently. Hanging out, and whatever the hell that implies, is the thing to do.

Nothing has ever made less sense to me in my entire life.

I’m 30 years old, she’s 24, and this sort of blows my mind a little. I’ve texted women (at least the ones I’ve met drunkenly at bars and parties) for dateless hookups in the past. That I get. But this was a girl I’d gotten to know outside of the bar and I legitimately like her. Drunkenly asking her for a sleepover seemed like a bad idea, and asking her to hang out (and do what exactly?) just seems so juvenile and un-manlike. But is this the cost of doing business with a younger generation? I’m not complaining, mind you. I loathe dating. Asking you and the commenters for a better way to navigate this situation in the future.

Feeling really fucking old at the moment,

DB

I have no idea. I just turned 33, and my girlfriend is [REDACTED], close enough in age to be on the same page from jump. By the time I reached my late 20s, I realized I couldn’t find much common ground with a woman younger than about 26, not unless she was on at least her second job since college and had life stories to tell that didn’t happen on campus. So I’m not exactly tuned in to the young folk outside of the emails I get for the mailbag and the brief glimpses of the CW and MTV I get while writing about TV. So I don’t know.

But if I had to guess… maybe younger people think of a “date” as something more antiquated than it really is? Whether you want to blame the societal move toward sexual equality or the pussification of our nation’s young people, there are fewer strong male role models in America, and as the chivalrous “strong, silent type” archetype has crumbled, so too has the notion of a “date” where the man shows up to the door holding flowers and drives the woman to dinner and a movie. Kids grow up hanging out in groups and making out at parties, not going out on a traditional dates. So even though taking a woman out to dinner is the most normal thing to do with a girl you’ve met and hit it off with, it’s possible — even likely — that it’s a foreign concept to her.

Anyway, that’s my theory, and if it’s true, young people are even stupider than I thought. It’s free food with someone you like! Fucking say yes!

Moving forward, perhaps it would be better not to say the words “date” or “Can I take you out?” I like the question, “Would you like to meet up for a drink?” It’s not as formal as a full-on date, it doesn’t sound immature like “hanging out,” and it offers both of you several options: you meet on neutral territory; she has the option of leaving after a harmless drink; you have the option to be chivalrous and pay for her drink; and — best of all — a drink can become several drinks, which could lead to anything from dinner (!) to sexy bad decisions.

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Matt/C.C.,

Married with two kids, and the sex is still good (pats self on back). I’m thinking about scheduling a vasectomy on a Friday during football season so I can ice my junk for the whole weekend while watching football. Sounds like a great excuse to do nothing but watch football all weekend, right? I’m thinking there can’t be a downside to this plan unless I freak out while tracking my fantasy teams and and the Bills. Is there anyway this can go wrong?

Something can always go wrong. God could give you the Job treatment: you know, kill off your wife and kids in a horrible car wreck. Then you’d meet a wonderful new woman and want to have kids, but whoops! You got a vasectomy. But that seems pretty unlikely, and besides, your wife probably wouldn’t like you planning on her and the kids dying.

Anyway, your plan sounds like a good one, although I think a better time for post-vasectomy scrotum-icing might be the beginning of the NCAA tournament. More games to watch and more time off of work.

Onto FFB, I’m trying to decide between Blount, TB (v. Minn) or P. Thomas, NO (v. CHI) this week at running back and Gonzalez, ATL (v. PHI) or Chandler , BUF (v. OAK) at TE. Leaning towards Blount and Chandler. Also, thought about starting Fitzpatrick, BUF (v. OAK) over Schaub, HOU (v. MIA) but after seeing Brady put up 500 passing yards against the Dolphins I have to believe Schaub is good for 300 yards this weekend. -John F

I concur with you on all points. But Blount can still get fucked for that Week 1 no-show.

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Caveman-

Fantasy: I feel pretty confident in the team that I drafted (12 team, 6 pts per TD for everyone, 1 QB, 1 RB, 2 WR, 2 Flex RB/WR, TE). Though the way it worked out, after an early run of QB’s I waited and ended up taking Flacco in the 11th rd as my starting QB. Needless to say I’m not too thrilled about this. Given this format, we can only play a max of three RB’s at a time, and as I drafted 1st and ended up with AP, Jennings, D-Mac, Shonn Greene, and Jahvid Best as my first 5 picks. So question is: should I: 1. try and deal one of the RB’s for a better starting QB stat, 2. wait until hopefully one of these more risky RB’s gets hot then deal for a QB, or 3. stick with Flacco and keep all the RB’s as an insurance policy since one of them is bound to get hurt?

I like Flacco. He’s actually put up better numbers his first few years than his much more-heralded draft class mate Matt Ryan. I’d stand pat for now — hold out and let the season take shape before making a move. If you’re going to trade a running back, at least wait until Best or Greene gives you a particularly strong week to improve your standing.

Sex: Several months ago I entered into an ill-advised relationship with a 20 year old girl who already has a kid (I’m 27). I quickly realized she was more into me than I was into her, so I broke it off after a month or so. Two weeks later, her friend informs me that she is pregnant. This comes as a complete shock, as it would in any case but also because I wrapped up every time with no mishap that I was aware of. When I contact the girl, she tells me that she is going to take the abortion pill. I’m pretty distraught about the situation, but this girl is steadily proving crazier and crazier, so I figure it is probably for the best.

During this time, my friends that I have told seem very confident that she is full of shit, but she has shown me a positive pregnancy test and texted me sonogram pictures with the right date. I know this can be faked, but it does not seem like something she is capable of. Well, two weeks later, when I’m in the process of trying to part ways again, she tells me she didn’t take the second of two pills and is still pregnant. She claims to know what she has to do and will get the actual procedure. I drop her off at the hospital and try to insist on joining her, but she does not let me. All indications point to the abortion being done. She also starts drinking and smoking regularly again. I wait a few weeks to make sure everything seems ok, and then break it off again (not a pretty process, as you can imagine). Well about 3 weeks later she starts sending cryptic texts about a secret she has and, you guessed it, she eventually says she never got the abortion and is still pregnant (and includes more sonogram pictures). I just went to the doctor with her, and while I didn’t speak to the doc directly, she now looks pregnant so it seems as though she’s going to have this baby. What the fuck do I do here? Aside from proving paternity (though I’m 99% confident she didn’t mess around), is there just nothing I can do until this baby is born? This girl has proved herself to be an incredible liar (not to mention crazy), and I do not want to have anything to do with her if that is possible. I’m just kind of at a loss here. Sincerely, -M.V.

I believe the refrain I’ve seen in the comments section is “Don’t stick your dick in crazy.” Unfortunately, it’s too late for that, and because I’m not Maury Povich, I lack the expertise to give you sound advice. Let’s go to the Magic 8-Ball!

O wise Magic 8-Ball, what should M.V. do about his problem?

/shakes ball

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Dearest Poontificates,

SEXINESS: Got nothing for you since I’m wifeyed up and doing well on the sex front. Wait jk yes I do it’s Faye Reagan/Valentine and don’t search her on any search engine on your work machine unless your boss is cool with you checking out fisting pics.

I have to say, seven photos is kind of overkill, even for a cheesecake-friendly forum like the sexbag. On the other hand, I enjoy the novelty of a safe-for-work Faye Reagan gallery. I don’t think that’s ever happened before.

FANTASY FOOTBALL: Say Tiny Darren takes a punt back for a touchdown, as he did last Thursday. Where do the points go? To the Saints D? To Sproles? I’ve heard 6 for both and six for one or the other. What’s the common solution to this? Cheers, -FSJ

It depends on what your settings are for defense. Sproles definitely deserves six points for the TD because, you know, he’s the one that scored it. If your settings are for the Saints D and special teams, then I suppose it’s fair that it gets 6 as well. I mean, we award points to both the QB and WR for the same touchdown pass, why not the returner and the return team?

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Dear Man of the Cave, I am in my first FF league this year. It’s pretty casual, mostly coworkers plus their wives and friends, sixteen teams in all. With so many teams and an autodraft format, the talent was spread pretty thin. I felt pretty lucky to get Adrian Peterson and Peyton Manning. Then I found out Manning’s surgery will likely put him on the bench for the whole season. whoopie. I guess I’ll have to make do with my backup McNabb.

LOL

At WR I have Marques Colston, Davone Bess, and Michael Crabtree. My other RBs are Ryan Grant and LaDanian Tomlinson. For TE I have the supremely happy choice of Brandon Pettigrew or Jeremy Shockey. All of that is to set up my football question. I’ve been considering offering up either Grant or LT for trade but I don’t know what to request for them. Do I shore up my receiving corps or try to get a tight end that I’ve actually heard of before? Or do I still need another QB? Or do I wait until after the MIN bye in week nine so Peterson has a backup? Actually that last one sounds kinda dumb now that I’ve typed it out.

Make no mistake: your fantasy team is really shitty. You’re fine at tight end (you should’ve heard of Pettigrew by now), but LaDainian’s on fumes and McNabb’s gonna kill you. Without giving up your one stud player (Peterson), your best hope is to package LDT and Shockey for a less-shitty QB. Those turds might be able to get you somebody’s backup. Ugh, what a dogshit way to start playing FF. Next year, try playing in a 12-team league with a live draft. It won’t blow so hard.

My sex life is pretty awesome right now, even with a 7-month-old in the house. So instead of a sex question, I offer you one of my all-time hall-of-wanking-fame favorite babes, Erica Campbell:

I tried to get a photo that not everyone has seen already from a cursory Google search. Enjoy!

Your Newest Mailbagger,

The Trashcan Man

Okay, that’s all well and good. I enjoy looking at that picture, and I enjoyed the Google search I just did. But this is getting to be an awful lot of people with more sexy pictures than sex questions. In the coming weeks, I’m going to give priority to people who ask both a sex question and a fantasy football question. You don’t necessarily have to have a sex problem, but it should at least be something that stirs discussion beyond “THAT WOMAN IS ATTRACTIVE I WOULD SEX HER IF I GOT THE CHANCE.”

That said, that Erica Campbell is very attractive, and I would sex her if I got the chance. (And if I were single. Love you, honey!)