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ONE WEEK UNTIL THE NFL SEASON STARTS, PEOPLE. By this time next week, we’ll be getting ready for the kickoff of Saints versus Packers. I am tumescent with anticipation.

Quick KSK Kares update, and then we’ll get to your questions. Yesterday’s top donor was Troy W., who donated $585. Hot damn, Troy. That would have been an awesome night at a strip club. I really appreciate you giving that money to the Special Operations Warrior Fund. Email me and I’ll send you that Rodgers jersey, or something else if you don’t like Aaron Rodgers. Today’s top donor will get… I dunno. I’m tired. Something awesome, like a signed copy of Drew’s book and some other stuff. I’ll figure it out tomorrow. In the meantime, please keep the donations coming. Y’all still haven’t earned the jean shorts.

Your questions:

Dear Emperors of Eating Out (girls),
Football: last year my my first year playing fantasy football, and I won my league. I’m not bragging; while competitive til the end, it was still just a crappy Yahoo league. I won on the strength of play from Tom Brady and my WR trinity of Mike Wallace, Greg Jennings, and Brandon Lloyd. I’d like to draft at least some of these guys again, though Jennings and Lloyd may struggle, and there’s almost no way Brady can repeat his performance. Do you think its a bad idea to draft any of these guys?

Brady will probably come down to Earth a little bit, but he’s still a Top-5 quarterback. Lloyd will likely take a step back as well, but Mike Wallace is getting great buzz as a possible Top-5 wideout.

Sex: I’ll be 20 soon, and I’ve never had sex.

That’s bad.

Now there’s this girl who really wants to fuck me. She told me so, in no uncertain terms.

That’s good.

Problem is, she’s fat and ugly.

That’s bad.

But it comes with a free frogurt!


Needless to say, I don’t find her remotely attractive. I told her no once before, but she still seems interested. Should I fuck her just to rid myself of the v-card? While I’m not saving it or anything like that, I would at least like to be attracted to the girl I’m smashing. I guess a corollary to the first question is… Should I be desperate to do it now, and if not now, when should I abandon all hope of bedding an attractive girl and nail down whatever I can take?
Thanks,
Bobby Bouchet

I don’t subscribe to any of that bullshit about your first time being special or with someone you care about or whatever. And I wholly encourage young men such as yourself to nail all the young tail while you can (with protection, of course). That said, you should at least be attracted to any woman you sleep with.

Just relax. The secret to getting laid is to not be desperate to get laid, which of course is impossible unless you’re getting laid. Classic Catch-22. So how do you break the loop? Well, it’s called “getting lucky” for a reason.

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Dear KSK,
Question time! FFB first – i’m taking over a team in a friend’s 10-team keeper league. The guy who i’m taking over from must’ve had a brain injury in the past couple years or is just piss-poor at fantasy football (HIS FINAL STARTING QB WAS JON KITNA). Regardless, my only SOMEWHAT legitimate keeper options are Sidney Rice in the 12th and Fred Jackson in the 8th (also considering Amendola an outside shot with a 13th rounder). Their system values a keeper as a pick two rounds higher than drafted last season, so all the top tier guys are available yearly. I’m torn on whether these fools are even worth losing the picks in those rounds or should i just try and rebuild this team with some high risk, high upside guys?

I think Sidney Rice is worth a 10th-rounder. As for Jackson, the Fantasy Football Calculator puts his average draft position at 75th overall, which — if my math is right — is the middle of the 8th round in a 10-team league. Translation: not worth a 6th round pick.

On the ladies…I’ve been hanging out with the ex-girlfriend every once in awhile. We hook up when we hang, and its great, because the sex is A+ and she’s quite attractive (better than anything i’m pulling now). The kicker is that she has has a longterm boyfriend, but she’s made it clear that i can basically say the word and she’ll drop him. Now, i still dig this girl but i’m FAR past the point where i’d give it another shot and i’ve told her that (obviously not in those words), so that’s not so much the issue. The real question is…should i feel bad about screwing the boyfriend over? Full disclosure – he’s an frat bro who lives with his parents and i can’t say i really care for him, personally (scratch that, i’m putting that too lightly, he’s a huge douche).

Every man for themselves in this situation, right? Appreciate your input.
-Shitbird von Tinydick

I dunno, Shitbird. I mean, it’s not like you’re breaking up a great relationship — your ex obviously isn’t enamored with her own boyfriend — and I’m sure you get a little extra thrill by cuckholding a douchebag, but I can’t quite sign off on this one. I’m not saying you should feel bad about it, per se, but it’s not a sound policy to screw other people’s girlfriends. It’s bad karma.

(MAILBAG NOTE: If you lazy bastards sign your emails with “Make up a name for me,” the name I come up with will not be flattering.)

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Patrons of the Matron,
Fantasy: My work league is a 12 team, start two QB, 6-point TD league (I know, our commish is an idiot).

That might be the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. But go on.

I have never drafted for heinous rules like this, so I am unsure of the strategy. Obviously this rule forces everybody except for people who don’t want to win to draft a QB in the first round. But with the rule making QBs unquesionably more valuable than any other position, and lack of good quarterbacks out there, should I also use my second pick on a QB? There is significant money riding on this league and its stupid rules as well. Also, I have the second overall pick, assuming both are available, do I take Rodgers or Vick?

Rodgers is the safer bet, but I wouldn’t count on him being available.

As for your second-round pick, I’d wait to see how the draft shapes up. You’ll have most the second round to see how people are using their second picks — if people are making a feverish run to snap up Eli Manning and Jay Cutler, you better get in while the gettin’s good. But my gut suspicion is that people will want to draft Chris Johnson before Kyle Orton, so you should be able to hold off a little bit. Assuming established second-tier guys like Matt Schaub get snapped up in the first and second rounds, I’d aim for Sam Bradford, Matt Stafford, or Ryan Fitzpatrick a little later.

Sex: Last night, when “hurricane” Irene was bearing down on my house, my girlfriend and I decided to see if howling winds and pounding rain would increase the excitement. And boy were we right. The possibility of mortal danger, of the roof collapsing on us before we could finish, made the whole thing really awesome. And it got me thinking, what other natural disasters would it be awesome to have sex during?
Sincerely,
Rocked her like a Hurricane

Oh yeah, you can’t go wrong with natural disaster sex. You really appreciate sex when you think it might be your last time having it.

I’d want to have sex during an earthquake, for obvious reasons. Except earthquakes aren’t really long enough. By the time you realize that what’s happening IS an earthquake, it’s over and you’ve missed your window for earthquake sex. You’d have to already be having sex when the earthquake hit, and of course earthquakes are almost impossible to predict, so your best bet is to just be fucking ALL THE TIME. Then when it finally hits mid-sex and your lover is like, “Oh my God, an earthquake!” you can be all, “That ain’t no earthquake, baby.”

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Oh wearer of flashy man panties,
FF: So I have the 7th pick in a 12 team league that seemed to favor QBs pretty heavily last year with 6 point passing TDs, lots of different bonuses for high yardage, etc. Last year the 4 playoff teams had Vick, Manning, Brady and Rodgers. I feel like I’m in an area where based on projections and rankings I should consider taking either Vick or Rodgers, because I know QBs are important in this league, but I still feel they’re slightly overvalued.

Really? Do I need to read you back the part of your question where the four playoff teams had four of the five best fantasy quarterbacks last year?

Last year after picking Ray Rice 6th Brady, Manning, Brees, and Rodgers went in consecutive picks, I passed on a QB with my 2nd, and then Rivers, Romo, and Schaub were gone.

Yeah no shit. That’s what happens in the second round. People draft Philip Rivers.

I ended up with a late round Eli-Flacco platoon that obviously didn’t work out so well. So my question is do I stick with my gut and let them overvalue QBs and go for best available with RBs, or am I undervaluing the QB?

Were you dropped a lot as a child? Eat a lot of paint chips? I’d like some kind of explanation for why you laid out an argument for drafting an excellent quarterback early, then stated that you would prefer to stick with the reasoning that gave you Eli Manning and Joe Flacco as your quarterbacks.

People: if you’re in a league that gives quarterbacks six points for passing TDs, one of your first two picks should be on a top-tier QB.

S: This is more of a quality of sex question. So my wife has been talking to me about her getting a breast lift and/or implants for about a year now. They’ve always been pretty damn big(D-DDish) and after 2 kids, they’re admittedly a little less impressive than they once were. She’s brought it up around friends and they all think it’s an awesome idea and that I’d be crazy not to want it. Apparently I’m the only guy or Earth that think fake tits are disgusting looking. Also, I’ve dated a girl that had a lift-reduction done and although she’s didn’t get butchered by any means, the scars were kind of jarring to look at. Am I a jerk for not wanting her to do it for purely selfish reasons?

I apologize for keeping it so short, feel free to add in a drawn out story about a lingering divorce and/or long distance relationship.
-Johnboy

First of all, YOU CRAZY. But I’ll try to separate my disagreement with your position from my advice.

You’re not a jerk. If you’ve told your wife that you love her body the way it is and that you don’t find implants aesthetically pleasing, you’ve done your due diligence as a husband by being both honest and supportive (of the way she looks, if not of the surgery). You have a say in the surgery in terms of the family’s finances (assuming she doesn’t have a separate “new tits fund”) and because you’re the man who sees her naked body and (ideally) gets turned on by it. But you also need to respect that it’s her body and that she might feel happier and sexier if she gets the procedure. Have you really asked her about her thought process (and listened to it)? Or have you just been saying “NO I DON’T LIKE FAKE TITS AND THIS OTHER GIRL I DATED HAD SCARS”?

Lemme put it this way. Does your wife ever come into the room holding two tops and ask you which one she should wear? And when you say, “Ummm, the blue one one,” because the blue one makes her tits look great, she just looks unhappy and puts the black one on instead? That’s because she’s feeling bloated and she feels skinnier in the black one, even though you think she looks great and have no possible way of knowing that she’s feeling fat. She knew all along that she was going to wear the black shirt; she was just hoping for some validation from you.

She’s going to do what she wants to do, and you’re going to love her just the same.

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Dear Caveman,
In exchange for answering my questions, I have donated $25 to KSK cares this year. I could offer images of tits and such, or I could help provide tits to the child of a soldier (after all, that’s what college is all about AMIRIGHT?)

Sex – Probably the first one to write in who actually MEANT to knock up the woman he’s banging. Two questions for this situation – I am totally right to insist on having the sex of the child be a surprise right? Finding out in a stodgy technicians office infront of a monitor is WAY less exciting that having a kid shoot out of a blood bath after 9 months of anticipation and then the doctor announces to everyone your kid’s a boy/girl. How do I convince the human-incubator this is the way to go?

I’m behind you 100%. As my sister put it the first time she was pregnant, “There are so few genuine surprises in the world.”

Of course, that kind of simple, pleasant thought isn’t enough for many women. Put it to her like this: say you find out you’re going to have a daughter. At the baby shower, every fucking gift is going to be pink. Pink onesies, pink rattles, pink cups, fucking pink everything. It’s going to look like an episode of “Toddlers & Tiaras.” No thanks.

By the way, how come people never dress their babies in black? Everyone looks good in black. Why not babies?

FF – Had my main league draft last weekend, and Jamaal Charles dropped to #10, for which I traded my #2 and #3 round picks to the guy sitting at 10 to grab Charles. I was mocked mercilessly, so I have to ask, was this dumb? It has caused me to be completely devoid of a Tight End since I used my picks early, any suggestions there?

Had you already picked in the first round? Because if you have Adrian Peterson or Chris Johnson AND Jamaal Charles, you’re probably still doing okay for yourself. Maybe a 2nd- and 3rd-rounder is a little steep for Charles, but I’d have to see the rest of your roster before I called it an out-and-out bad trade.

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Greetings Caveman,
I hope you are well on this fine summer’s evening. I’ll try to keep this as brief as possible.

Starting with football, I’m the commissioner of a 10 team league. The managers in this league are friends from my hometown, and I don’t see them or talk to them every day. Several of them can be flighty and forgetful to say the least. We have a draft scheduled online for this Sunday, and I wanted to get your idea on the proper etiquette for reminding them that this thing is going down. On one hand, I don’t want to be naggy about making sure they remember. On the other, I don’t want 5 people to miss the draft and have the league be a complete joke. How many times should I remind them between then and now, to ensure some kind of happy medium between those two scenarios?

What are they, six years old? Send out a group email.

Sex: I’m a senior in college right now. At the end of my sophomore year, I began to fall for one of my closest friends here at school. We had crazy good chemistry and she was constantly hitting on me. She had a long distance boyfriend at the time and we were both going abroad for junior year so I didn’t make any kind of move. We both went abroad and didn’t communicate all that much (when we did, she initiated it), so I think we both kind of moved on and forgot about each other.

Now we’re both back from overseas and kind of discovering that that attraction and chemistry is still there. She’s single now, and I want to take this to the next level, but there’s another roadblock. My roommate and best friend had a huge crush on this girl when we were freshmen, but it never worked out because she had a boyfriend (I don’t know if she was actually interested in my friend or not). Now that she’s back at school and single, he has suddenly rediscovered his feelings for her. He seems to think that something will happen between them, and doesn’t seem to see that she’s not interested. He also doesn’t seem to notice that she and I have really hit it off and doesn’t know that I like her, or at least he hasn’t said anything if he has noticed. I never told him about my feelings for her before, because I figured her and I

she and I

weren’t going anywhere. It seemed like an unnecessary source of tension to introduce between us, given their past.

So basically it looks like I’m going to have to wait until he gets over her and moves on before I can make a move. That’s essentially the decision I have made, because making a move would be betraying him, poisoning my home situation, and potentially splintering my group of friends. I don’t want to fuck up my senior year, but I also don’t want to let this amazing girl slip through my fingers. Am I making the right decision? Is there a better way to handle this?

My apologies, I know this is too long for your taste. Thank you for bringing light to the darkness.
Sincerely,
Non-confrontational Nathan

You young people with all your unsaid feelings and heartache. Your email reads like a show on the CW.

Let her be the one to tell your buddy she’s not interested in him. Once he knows that she’s not interested, he’ll be more accepting of his friend dating her. Don’t spend your last year of college pining for someone you can’t have because your dickhead friend is cockblocking you. Bullshit. Go turn that pussy out.

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Dear KSK,
Fantasy first: 0.5 PPR league, everything else pretty standard. I have Jennings, Fitzgerald, Witten, and Vernon Davis on my team. Don’t ask – we have a keeper league and it was a weird draft this year. Another guy covets Witten. I want to offer him Witten and Jennings for Andre Johnson. I’m picking up about 20 points with the upgrade to Johnson, and dropping 30 or so with Davis as my TE, plus I free up a roster spot to grab a sleeper who wasn’t drafted. Am I paying too much?

Pull the trigger. Andre Johnson is the shit.

Relationships last (sorry about the length, I tried to include only the pertinent info).

Dated my next door neighbor’s daughter last year for about 4 months (she was living with her parents at the time). She bailed because she said she couldn’t handle commitment. Just about killed me, as I was the exact opposite – on the night that she dumped me I had planned on telling her I loved her, which hadn’t happened in a very long time for me. We remained friends, however, as running into her every day would have been really awkward if we hadn’t, plus I really do like her as a person. (I put the Caveman post-dump plan in motion and have dropped 60 pounds since, which isn’t germane to the story, but thanks for the idea on that).

3 months later she met a guy. A month after that he got a job in Hawaii, and started flying her over there every month. In October, he asked her to come live with him. She was on the fence until I did my best version of Rick from Casablanca and told her that she would regret it for the rest of her life if she didn’t go. She did, at the end of December. They got engaged in July, and married in August on some impossibly beautiful Hawaiian beach. And, of course, for the reception, they’ll be holding it at next door to me on the afternoon of the 18th (week 2 of the season) during what I’m calling Victory Lap 2011. Of course, because I’m a good neighbor, I’ve been invited.

The rough part is that I never got over her, or at least the idea of her, especially how she went from being afraid of feelings to married within the course of 15 months. On top of that, the thought of her living on a tropical island living this ideal life drives me insane. Yes, I have consulted a therapist, and have basically stayed out of contact as much as possible as a way of coping with it. Really not an option in this circumstance.

That weekend’s slate of games have a big rivalry for my team, and I had planned on drinking more than is wise. I have several options, and all of them have their strong points.
1. Hire an escort for the reception who is hotter than my ex. Lots of problems with this idea.
2. Get extra drunk, stop by the reception for a few minutes to make nice, then back to my house for hours of drinking until I am insensate. Could cause neighbor-neighbor problems.
3. Get mildly drunk, gut out the reception, and say nice things, then back for the drinking, etc.
4. Lay off the booze, sack up, and wish my friend well, no matter how much it kills me inside, then spend hours in the fetal position.

2 and 3, of course, carry the risk of me blurting out something inappropriate, but I don’t know if I can get through the day on my own intestinal fortitude. Which one would you pick?
Signed -
Get her out of my head

How about 5. Don’t go. Who gives a shit? Make other plans. Watch the game somewhere else. Fuck being a good friend. She’s married and you’re never going to fuck her again, so why do you need to be friends with her? Why does she need to be friends with you? She has a husband who takes care of all her needs.

Let’s clear something up. THAT GIRL NEVER HAD A PROBLEM WITH COMMITMENT. That’s what people say when they just don’t want to date someone. She didn’t like you. You’re not right for her. There is no conceivable history in which you and this girl might have ended up together, because she didn’t like you enough to date you except when she was living with her parents and you were convenient.

So why the fuck waste time with being heartbroken? Why would you want to be with someone who would never love you?

Get on with your life, dummy. Skip the reception and go meet some new girls.

This week, KSK is raising money for the Special Operations Warrior Fund through Matt Ufford’s Fight Gone Bad effort. Donate here. For more information, go here.