[Chiefs camp, late August]

Todd Haley: Hey! HEY! Listen up! Stop practicing! Stop stretching! Shut up and get over here!

[Team assembles]

Todd Haley: You guys got your playbooks?

Matt Cassel: Of course, coach. We –

Todd Haley: RHETORICAL QUESTION, DRIBBLE DICK! I DIDN’T SAY TALK. I know you have your playbooks.

Okay, I want you to toss ‘em. Set ‘em on fire. Throw ‘em in the shredder. Whatever. We’re getting new ones.

[Gasps heard]

Todd Haley: INHALE ON YOUR OWN TIME, LADIES! Such goddamn disrespect.

I was online last night buying up tickets for the “Watch the Throne” tour stop in KC in November. Show sold out weeks ago but I scored tix from an online scalper. Big mark-up. I don’t give a damn. I make mad bank. That sh*t means nothing to me. Could buy out the whole arena if I wanted. Anyway, my old college roomie e-mailed this article.

No way am I letting Raheem shine on me. What did I say when I took this job? “From now on, we’re only driving the bitchingest cars, f*cking the hottest sluts and using the newest, fanciest shit money can buy.” Why do you think we have all the copies of GQ and Maxim in my office? It’s so when I see hotter, ridiculously expensive gear, I’m on it. I stay fresh. Bitches love that. See this 3D phone? Who the f*ck needs a 3D phone? Nobody. But I got one. And now you assholes got iPad playbooks.

Dwayne Bowe: So how do they work?

Todd Haley: How the f*ck should I know? We got tech fags to go over all the bells and whistles. Ask them. Don’t waste my time.

We good here? Good. I catch any of you with the old playbooks, that’s a $10,000 fine right there. I don’t play.

HEY! WHY AREN’T WE PRACTICING!? QUIT STANDING AROUND LIKE YOU’RE WAITING FOR PUSSY TO FALL OUT THE SKY. POON ONLY POURS ON THE HALEY.

[Message board flies open]

5CHAN: Uh ohz CHEEFS UR online playbooks got haxored

BlackCockNailinPalin: + the internet, 5CHAN

BuddyNixChubbyDix: HAXORED!

ZeroCumGame: HAXORRRRD!

FistyCanyon: HAXORED JIM DUGGAN

LULZ CHEEFS ROD N TODD HALEY

5CHAN: Haaaaaaaaaaaaaa I’M IN UR PLAYBK STEALN UR PLAYZ

FistyCanyon: THESE PLAYS SUCK NEWAY

VagOfHonor: REPLACE THEM WITH KIDDIE PORN

FistyCanyon: REPLACE THE KIDDIE PORN WITH CORPSE PORN

ZeroCumGame: REPLACE THE CORPSE PORN WITH KIDDIE CORPSE PORN

BlackCockNailinPalin: STEAL THEIR CREDIT CARDS AND BUY ALL THE STEROIDS

ZeroCumGame: KIDDIE PORN STEROIDS

5CHAN: Done. Plus I’ll replace their plays with our even shittier plays. And an autoplay of this horrible fan song.

+1 FITZMAGIC

/bows

ZeroCumGame: lulz OWNND

VagOfHonor: Haxoredd ScarJo nekkid pics NE 1?

FistyCanyon: WUT