A PK favorite! NO WAIT PETER, IT’S NOT ACTUALLY FOR YOUR ASSHOLE. FOR THE LOVE OF DUNGY, STOP HIM!

You’ll probably have to be trashed to withstand the deluge of Tom Brady “lubed up” jokes that will invade your feed throughout the Chargers-Greatriots tilt, which easily highlights the late afternoon slate. Other late game detritus, as weighed by our infallible four- (sometimes five-) star scale:

Dallas at San Francisco ***
Houston at Miami ***
Cincinnati at Denver **

Some lessons from the early slate after the jump

- Jim Mora Jr. spent a painful amount of time chastising Cam Newton for wearing a towel over his head on the sideline against the Packers. Expect a thoroughgoing ESPN examination of a player’s Twitter reaction to this inanity.

- THE BEN’S KNEESPOT WAS BATHROOM ASSAULTED TWO TIMES WITH NO ARRESTS OR CHARGES

NO WORRY. THE BEN LIVES TO HARF ANOTHER DAY

/Steelers didn’t really rebound from last week as much as the Seahawks are just horrible
//attempts to console Ufford
///draws back nub

-The Ravens won their Super Bowl last week and have already embarked on a six-month offseason. Good news: they’re gonna be ready to dominate March.

-The Lions ran up the score on the Chiefs. DAMN YOU, DETROIT BULLIES! DON’T YOU EVER GET TIRED OF IMPOSING YOUR WILL ON TEAMS?

- The Redskins are 2-0. So are the Bills. HEY COOCH, WE’RE HEADIN’ TO DA METRODOME FOR SOOPER BOWL XXVI PT. 2. Fitzmagic wants celebratory frottage, you guys.