Tonight, tonight, hot damn TONIGHT! I’m so excited for the NFL season to start that I spent entirely too much time Googling pictures of the NFL’s more attractive cheerleading squads. Pictures like this. As soon as I hit “publish,” I’m gonna check my FF rosters one last time, then go drink bourbon and eat Southern food and wait for Saints-Packers to start. It’s gonna be AWESOME.

In accordance with my lighter mood, today’s questions are a little less serious than usual, with a greater assortment of sexy pictures. Welcome back to football season.

Dear Pigskin Fucktoys,
Rob Ryan Footballs: .25 PPR League. I (think) I’m set at RB (Arian and Forte) and wideout (WELKAH and Santonio Holmes). At TE should I start Jermichael Finley (vs NO) or Marcedes Lewis (vs. Ten)? I’m worried about Finley’s injury bug and Lewis gets a lot of goal line action. And for my flex spot: Austin Collie (@Hou), Lance Moore (@GB), Derrick Mason (vs Dal), Taiwan Jones (@Den) or the other TE? (Lance is questionable on a groin pull, and Collie’s stuck with Kerry Collins. I’m leaning towards just starting Finley and Lewis).

Finley over Lewis at TE. Stick with Jermichael until that injury sidelines him or until it’s clear that Marcedes is an effective target for Nowncade McNownNownCademan. As for your flex, I’d go with either Lewis or Lance Moore. I haven’t exactly been diligent with my preseason viewing, so I can’t really say who’s the better option there. I didn’t even know Moore was questionable until you told me.

Rex Ryan Foot Balls: Been with my gal for five years, just got married. We both travel a lot for work, but when we’re in the same town we have great sex. Is it just me, or is sex better when you’re on the road? Doesn’t matter where- it seems like a hotel room in Cleveland is still more fun than the bedroom at home.

Oh hell yeah. Why do you think people go on vacation? Hotel sex is the BEST. You can just RUIN those sheets, and the maids come in and replace them with fresh ones. And a lot of nicer hotels have those big, roomy showers with lots of glass and mirrors throughout the room. Hotels are begging you to sully their property with your DNA. They may as well put a fuck swing next to the desk.

In fact, now that I think about it, the bed you share with your wife is probably the least exciting place on the planet to have sex with her. Well, second-least. #1 is under whatever roof my parents are sleeping under.

Anyway, since I don’t have a real sex question, have a picture of a technicolor derriere.

Thanks,
Some Asshole in New Orleans

My girlfriend just discovered that function on her camera while we were on vacation — the function that makes it black and white except for some color highlights, that is, not the function that takes pictures of nice asses. I’m still looking for the latter.

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Greetings O’ Captain Caveman,
FF: I’m a girl, and I don’t really know too much about football so I don’t have any FF for you, BUT I can offer you a nice picture of a scantily clad lady instead.

That’s a pretty old picture of Cheryl Cole. I bet I can find a more recent, sexier, and higher-resolution picture in less than five minutes. Ready, go!

/starts clock

/goes to Celebutopia forums

/stops clock at 1:36

And I shrank that image down just to get it on the blog. The full-size picture is so much larger than life that you can clearly see the scar from her breast implants. ENHANCE!

ENHANCE!

Not that I care. I’m not one of those boob snobs who gets all snooty about the way fake boobs look. I just want women to show off what they got. Big tits, small tits, fake tits, a great ass, long legs — sister, if you got it, you should flaunt it. Cheryl Cole flaunts it, and that’s why I respect her.

Anyway, yeah, I’ve been saving Cheryl Cole pictures on my computer for years (for WORK, of course). I appreciate your offering, but you gotta send something a little better than something from FHM in 2003 to move my needle. My metaphorical needle. Which is really more of a kielbasa. Not that I have to defend it to you or anyone else.

Sex: I’ve known one of my best guy friends since we were kids; we proceeded to end up at the same college, where our mutual attraction grew from the get go freshman year. At the end of our sophomore year we finally both came clean about how we felt and began dating. We went out for a year and it was great, but due to a rather distressing family issue he ended it. Now barring that he wasn’t just using that as an excuse,

He was just using it as an excuse.

I can accept the fact that he was too emotionally unavailable to continue dating. Our friend circle is very close, and some warned of how if we broke up it would ultimately fracture our group. It hasn’t so far, we basically just went back to how we were pre-dating, but it is now four months on and I am still hopelessly in love with the guy. I have to see him almost everyday (in both group settings, and alone) and I’m becoming more and more miserable. Not to mention our families are close friends, so even when home I have to either hear about him/see him when his parents come over. How do I get over him without cutting him out of my life, and ruining our group?

Oh sure. That’s an easy one. I’ve got that answer on file next to “Why does God let bad things happen to good people?”

/flips through index cards

Ah yes, here it is. Says right here: “Tough titty.”

Also is it worth revisiting the topic of us dating again? He said he would consider it later on down the road, but despite how I feel I know it’s probably a bad idea right, because he randomly stop liking me once so that could just happen again.
Thanks,
– Needs to Move On

I suppose you could revisit the topic, though I’m not optimistic about your chances. Still, if you’re in love, you’ll never be satisfied unless you exhaust every option.

If that doesn’t work out, get it into your head right now: you CANNOT get over someone if you’re spending time with him or her. Forget about it. Won’t happen. It’s impossible. And not impossible like “Eli Manning to David Tyree in the Super Bowl” impossible. Impossible like “your cat sprouting wings and becoming a dragon to wreak havoc on your enemies” impossible.

Put some space between you and this dude. Join new clubs. Hang out with new people. Drop out of school and join a convent. Set fire to his parents’ home so they have to move to a different neighborhood. Focus on improving YOU — your schoolwork, your body, your attitude. Make yourself so busy that you don’t have time to hang out with him and your friends.

Also — and this is not the same advice I give to heartbroken young men — it’s important to keep in mind that guys in college are immature fucking morons. Years down the line, you may very well get a heartfelt apology about how he was stupid and confused and afraid of commitment, blah blah blah. Then you guys can make out and have a thousand babies. But that might not be the best thing to count on, so you’re better off just moving on with your life.

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Captain on the roster, Colonel in my heart,
Football first: I’m in a TD-only league that offers bonus points for yardage milestones. It’s ridiculous, I know. With that as background, my third WR option is a tossup between Lance Moore, and Pierre Garcon. Who do I use? Fetushead’s unresolved neck issues leave me concerned.

As they should. According to another reader above, Moore is questionable, so if that doesn’t clear up then Garcon’s your man. But Garcon’s not ideal with Kerry Collins leading the charge, so go with Moore if he’s healthy.

Sex: I was seeing a chick for a while who recently went home for a week before classes started for her and realized she still had feelings for an ex. I’ve been assured (and I believe her) that she just needed additional time move past him before she’s ready to start anything serious.

Normally, this would be no skin off my back and just indicate a need to move on. However, in the (admittedly limited) time I’ve spent with her, I’ve realized that she may be everything I could ever ask for: sexy, smart, funny, shares interests with me, (acts like she) finds me attractive, laughs at my shit, etc. Basically, I’m absurdly smitten. Is this a case of “perfect person at an imperfect time,” in which case I should keep looking (and be bummed out at the results), or do I give her a wide berth and see if she comes around? I’ve met plenty of girls, but none of them hold a candle to this one, so I’m definitely willing to wait in the background, ready to pounce when the time is right. Help!

Well, you’ve left me with more questions than answers. Are you guys still dating now that she’s back? Did she use that ex story to keep things casual with you or to break up with you? Did she go home because she was messed up and needed the comfort of home? Or was she just chilling at home and that’s where she bumped into her ex-boyfriend? Or did she realize while she was with you that she still had feelings for her ex, so she went home to go fuck him? Don’t get me wrong: I appreciate the brevity, but I don’t even know if you’re still dating this girl.

Regardless, play it cool with her. Nothing makes a woman more clingy and affectionate than ignoring her. (Except maybe giving her multiple orgasms.) Keep your distance. For her, the fear of not getting attention from you is more powerful than the assurance that you’re going to be there no matter what.

In the event you believe me to be a huge gash, please feel free to share the below photo of some girl looking sexy:


-Bieber is my Co-Pilot

I don’t think you’re a huge gash, but I decided to share the picture anyway. I hope that’s okay with everyone.

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Dear Flying Hellfish:
Last year I played FF for the first time—2 public leagues, no $ involved, auction draft (snake just seems pointless among online strangers). Every week I left on the bench players who played against my NFL team: the Titans. To me, doing that was a no-brainer, as was not drafting AFC South players—i.e. HIPAA Foster, Draco Malfoy, Twitter Radio/Cardiologist Mo Jones Drew. It just sickens me to (1) root for intra-division foes’ players, or (2) the rest of players who, at least once, will convert every godamned 3-and-8 or less against the Titans D. (EVEN THE @#$%^&! 2010 REDSKINS AND DOLPHINS!!!!!!!!!).

I respect your dedication to your IRL team. It’s what makes you such a terrible FF player.

Having said that, an FF question: how will Matt Hasselbeck do with Tennessee?

Somewhere between decent and poor, depending on how often he’s getting hit.

Is his back OK?

No. It hasn’t been for years.

Was the Saints game last year a fluke?

Not really. He can be an accurate passer when he’s feeling healthy (he rested in Week 17 before the Saints game).

The line’s better that the one he had in Seattle right? RIGHT?

Most O-lines are better than the one in Seattle.

/sigh

Ummm, Oh! On what round should he go compared to, say, the other QBs and their respective receivers?

Matt Hasselbeck should be on the waiver wire. No need to draft him.

Oh man, I don’t think I can take another 1-6 slide like the Tita—errm, the Fluffy Discards and Los Zombis Azules—had last year in my ESPN leagues. As long as self-respecting, real NFL-heads like you are into FF, I’ll keep i mind that insufferable cum like Turtle or Mr. Roto are the exception. And, given that this FF thing of which you speak will only grow, I hope that, some time, I’ll get some “friends” to pony up at least $20 per head and then, and only then, devise a Sharia-Titans draft method.

Thank you?

Onto the sex: which is my best side? Please google me!
Sincerely,
Senator Roberto Arango

I suspect you are using a pseudonym, sir.

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Dear Commodore Caveman,
*Note: This is my first year doing FF, and thus my first excuse to write into the Mailbag. Given my roster, this will be the highlight of my FF this year.

1) Fantasy First. Our 20-team office league completed our draft yesterday, and as you’d expect with a 20-team league, everyone is blown away by the mediocrity of their starting lineups because the talent was spread thin. I took RBs in the first two rounds at 14 and 27 (Mendenhall and LeGarrette Blount), which were both TOTALLY worth giving up a decent QB in a league where passing TDs are worth 6 points (Right? Right?! Shit.). So, I have two 2nd tier QBs on the roster – Fitzy and Sanchez (at least it’s better than the poor bastard in my league that doesn’t have a QB backing up Peyton and will have to give up Roddy White if he wants one). I’m not sure who should be my regular starter. I’ve read that Fitzy could be looking at a decent fantasy year with Spiller, Stevie Johnson, and Fred Jackson on his side, whereas nobody seems to have high hopes for Sanchez this year. BUT, I’m a careful watcher of the Mailbag and I trust your instincts. Any thoughts? (Oh, I also blacked out at some point and drafted T.O. Keep him and see if he gets healthy/picked up, or throw him on waivers? Our waiver crop is weak as hell offensively – again, 20-team league)

I like Ryan Fitzpatrick as a value fantasy QB and even picked him up in one of my drafts. But only start him if he keeps the beard from last year — that’s where his strength is! If you see him smooth-faced, DROP HIM IMMEDIATELY.

2) I never thought it would be easier to come up with a Fantasy question than a sex question, but here goes: I recently broke up with my girlfriend of 6-ish months. We were actually great on paper – lots of common interests, similar career paths, the sex was good. But for whatever reason the spark just wasn’t there for me and I was never too invested in the whole thing, plus my job has me working insane hours right now, so I called it off for both our sakes. Trouble is, there’s another girl I’m interested in with whom I know I’ll click better. She’s younger than me (20 to my 24), and she runs in the same circles as my ex (and I still really respect and admire my ex – I think it ended on fairly friendly terms and I’d prefer to not see her hurt). They’re not close or anything, but they’re friendly online and through Twitter and whatnot. Goddamn Internet. What’s the appropriate grace period before I do something about this new girl?

In your ex’s mind? Probably the half-life of uranium. To the normal person in your circle of friends? Probably around two, maybe three months, tops.

And does anybody else long for the days where men were men and spent their time building log cabins with their bare hands, and less time worrying about being exposed on Twitter? Fuck 2011.
Yours,
- Lenin In A Log Cabin

Yeah, that’s the downside of the Information Age. On the plus side: free streaming porn. Good for men, bad for the log cabin industry.

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Fantasy Fucktards,
I do not have a fantasy question, since I probably picked all the wrong players in my draft already.  However, I do have a warning for those of you joining public leagues through yahoo or espn (I also donated to Fight Gone Bad this morning). Last year a few friends signed up for a league with a $50 league fee run by a gentleman in Florida named Kyle Ciampa.  Mr. Ciampa is originally from Massachusetts, so it should come as no surprise that after the season was over he refused to pay out the money to the winners.  He was the commissioner of a number of yahoo leagues.  The details of the story and subsequent attempts to get refunds from Mr. Ciampa appear here: http://kyleciampa.com, and I believe there is also a facebook page.

Although my friends should be mocked for joining something called the “Cash $$League,” it seems worthwhile to remind people that anyone who lives in Florida or Massachusetts is probably a criminal or my grandmother.

On behalf of KSK’s gullible and naive readers, thank you for the PSA.

I don’t have a sex question, either, but I have attached a picture of Rosie Jones, a British lady who looks good naked.
-Bag of Dicks

Indeed she does! Now THAT’s how you win me over with cheesecake!

Man, it feels great to close out a mailbag with a sexy picture instead of a heavy-ass relationship question. NOW LET’S GO WATCH SOME FUCKING FOOTBALL.