Reporter Who Has No Real Question To Ask: Tom, how important is the crowd going to be for this opening game?

Tom Brady: Yeah, start drinking early. Get nice and rowdy. It’s a 4:15 game, they’ll have a lot of time to get lubed up, come out here and cheer for the home team.

(door flies open)

Tommy: DID YOU JUST TELL ME TO GET FACKIN’ LUBED?! SAY NO MORE-AHHH!!!!

(drinks six gallons of Mickey’s mixed with Red Bull mixed with Everclear mixed with GHB)

Tommy: Oh gawd, LOOK AT ME CRUSHING THESE BEE-YAHS!!! I must had farty beer-ahs! WE PAHTY HAHHHDAH THAN YOU PAHHHTY!

Tom Brady: Whoa hey go easy there, fella. Don’t get TOO drunk.

Tommy: FACK YOU! You’re just a gawddamn boot whore-ah! Go stick your-ah ponytail up your-ah cawkchute! YOU DON NAWT UNDAHSTAND WHAT IT’S LIKE TO WATCH THESE RED SAWX COLLAPSE IN THE WILD CAHHHHD RACE! I want the whole world to know that we do NAWT accept Jawn Lackey as a stahhhting pitchah! HE LACKS WELKAHTUDE!

(blasts Daughtry cover of a Boston song)

Oh, these ahhh dahk times, my friend! We could lose ow-ah playawff spot to Tampah! Why does Tampah even have a team? NO ONE WANTS TO SEE THOSE HOUSEBOAT HOMOS IN THE PLAYAWFFS! That is NAWT what Americah wants! Americah wants to see its beloved Red Afflecks getting they-ah revenge on those Yankee 9/11s! THAT’S TRUTH TO POWAH! WE AHHH UNDAHDAWGS!

(loses ESPN millions every month with Grantland)

You know what? I am nawt lubed enough. This Sawx collapse still brings back memories of… oh gawd, I don’t think I have the strength to mention it. It’s too fackin’ painful!

Tom Brady: What’s too…

Tommy: 1986 BUCKNAHHHH DAHKIE WILSON JAWNNY MACNARMARAH THE CURSE THE CURSE THE CURSE OF THE FAGBINO BUCKNAHHHH SUCKS! I can’t believe I had the strength to mention it! I’M SO BRAVE! I’m gawnna need anathah shawt! THIS MUST BE MY THIRTIETH SHAWT OF JAMESON! I AM CRUSHING THESE SHAWTS!

(door flies open)

Marmalard: Ya betta ask someboddddddaaaaaayyyyyyyyy!

Tommy: Fack you!

Marmalard: Well well well, I see that you Cuntsox fans are already busy espousing filth flarn filth and impurifying your Jesus containers with cheap ethanol! COCKWALLET LIVING AT ITS FINEST. This is what hundreds of years of revolting Catholic breeding will do to a species. Look at you! Tattooed. Ruddy. Mutated millions of genes away from the normal human being. Spewing gibberish like a fucking palsy. KING LASERFACE SPEAKS WITH CLEAR DICTION AND THROWS WITH EVEN GREATER EXACTITUDE.

(swipes beer can away from Tommy, throws it up in the air where it remains until Massachusetts officials create a $40 billion public works project to remove it from the atmosphere and three workers are killed in the process)

Tommy: YOU CAN GO SUCK A CAWK, FAGHEAD! THREE SUPAH BOWL TITLES! STANLEY CUP FINALS CHAMPIONS! SEVEN TITLES IN THE PAST DECADE! OSCAHS FAHHH BEST SUPPORTING ACTAH AND ACTRESS! TITLETOWN USA!

Marmalard: Oh loogit me I TAKE CREDIT FOR SHIT I DIDN’T WIN. Well, I’m sorry to PISSER on your WICKED good time, but your fag stallion of a QB hasn’t won jack squat since siring a bastard with that liberal Hollywood floozie! GOD IS WATCHING US FROM A DISTANCE.

This is Marmalard’s time. Did you see me get right in coach Meltyface’s grill when we were behind versus Minnesota? LEADERSHIP. Your empty vessel of a QB could only WISH he had that kind of spritiual Jesusfire! Without his Cougar-defiling hellbirth of a coach, he’d be Kyle Orton! EVERYONE ACCEPTS THIS. AS THEY SHOULD ACCEPT JESUS AS THEIR GOD AND THEIR HUSBANDS AS OVERLORDS. YOU WILL ALL BE SUCKED IN BY YOUR OWN MASSIVE GAPING VAGINA.

Tommy: FACK YOU!

Marmalard: I’m sorry. I don’t understand retardese. You’ll have to speak up like a normal person and say FUCK, which is not a Godly word but is the way Jesus would want you to swear if you had to. I know you think your accent sounds all cool and rad, but to me you just sound like a trash can someone filled with shit!

Tom Brady: Why don’t we all just calm down and get a snack?

Marmalard: FUCK YOU, COVER GIRL. This isn’t your league anymore, Project Queerway! THIS IS THE YEAR KING LASERFACE RENDERS YOUR PROVINCIAL NORTHEAST OMNIPRESENCE OVER AND DONE WITH. I PUT A FUCKING CURSE ON YOU AND THIS CURSE IS UPHELD BY THE WORD OF GOD AND TRADING FOR SOME GREAT HITTING MEXICAN WON’T CHANGE IT! DIE.

(leaves)

Tommy: No! Nawt a curse! OH THESE AHHH TRULY THE DAHKEST TIMES! We have to film an HBO dawkumentary about this now!

Tom Brady: I really wish LA had a football team I could play for.