Oh, hello there. Don’t be alarmed. I know, for you ladies out there, things just got a little bit steamier in your office cube just now, but don’t let it frighten you.

It’s okay. Being aroused is a perfectly natural phenomenon. It’s what makes us human, and what makes us want to grab each other by the ponytail and fuck each other against the shower door. So don’t freak out over the hormones raging through your system at the sight of the Sex Cannon. Just calmly walk to the bathroom, slip off your soaking wet panties (Are those from Bloomies? Classy. I like them), take the end of your hairbrush, and frig yourself until there’s straight clotted cream pouring out of you.

Better? Good.

I’m here today because I just wanted to clear a few things up. I know a lot of people were taken aback by my comment that we were the best team in the NFC East. I know a lot of people were surprised, and titillated, then EROTICIZED by my scandalous comments. I think our society is a little bit upright about BOLD, THRUSTING predictions, predictions that lay out there hot and naked for anyone to consider. I don’t know why our puritanical society has singled me out for something we all do, baby. I’m just puttin’ it out there. No need to keep my insatiable, some-might-say fetishistic hunger for a division title to myself. If that makes you uncomfortable, then maybe you need to go to your closet and jack off through a hole in your electric blanket.

Sure, some people say I came into Redskins camp in less-than-perfect shape. And I admit, I have been overeating a bit. ON HOT GASH. I’m sorry if the lockout drove me to feast upon a buffet of pussy that makes your local Golden Corral look like a fucking soup kitchen. I can’t help being who I am. Besides, this arm you see here? THIS DRAGON? THE DRAGON NEEDS TO FEED. You can have your pickle juice and your little faggoty bags of G3. I’ll be bulking up the old fashioned way: with 100% pure teenage smegma.

Besides, I like being a bit heavier. When you fuck four women at a time, you need more to ration out. You want that sweat. You want that FUNK. You want your titties flapping in the wind as you go to town on the roof of a CVS. So excuuuuusee me if I happen to be in what I consider prime game shape.

And sure, some people say I may not even beat out John Beck for the starting job. I guess these people forgot that John Beck is a MORMON. You really want to entrust your offense to a guy who will practice DOWNFIELD ABSTINENCE? The next time that guy sees his own jizz will be when one of his sister-wives asks him for a fertility test. He’s not ready to lead a pro offense. He’s not ready to take risks. He’s not ready to LIVE ON THE FUCKING EDGE OF THROWGASM. I am. I so am. When you need someone to throw it 60 yards downfield into double coverage only to have Anthony Armstrong drop it, YOU GO WITH REX.

You could say I’m cocky for saying we’re gonna win this division. You could say I’m arrogant. Frankly, I do regret saying that we’d win the division. Because we’re gonna do MORE than win this division. We’re gonna bend this division over and make sweet buttlove to it. We’re gonna give this division the reacharound and have it begging to take the ice cream scoop out of its gaping asshole. I feel bad for other people who are soooo impressed with other teams in this division. I guess Tony Romo hasn’t spent enough time prematurely ejaculating all over the fourth quarter. I guess Eagles fans loved having their cocks teased by Michael Vick until he takes one stern paddling too many and leaves them for the operating before they have a chance to bust a nut. Dogfellater. I guess Giants fans are resigned to a loveless sexless marriage with Eli Manning until they fucking die. OH ELI! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! THANKS FOR A GREAT NIGHT HOLDING HANDS AND SHARING AN EGG CREAM AT THE SODA FOUNTAIN! I’M YOUR STEADY GAL! I GUESS YOU’LL NEVER THROW ME AGAINST YOUR VAN, PICK UP MY LEGS, AND EAT ME OUT IN FRONT OF THE BOWLING ALLEY!

I guess you may be intimidated by that murderer’s row of limpdicks, but I am not. A lot of people counted Rex Grossman out. But I’m counting myself IN. WAY IN. NUT DEEP IN YOUR LADYFRIEND. We’re gonna shock the world. We’re gonna SHOCKER the world. We’re gonna slip two in the pink and one in Afghanistan. Then we’re gonna pump and pump and pump until that division title comes spurting right out. BELIEVE IT. DON’T EVER DOUBT A MAN WITHOUT PANTS.