Earlier today, ESPN ran a column from Toure wondering what it would be like if Mike Vick were white. But since Toure was apparently too much of a pussy to actually play the scenario out, allow us to do the job for him.

(August 2009)

White Mike Vick: Oh, man. Oh, SHIT. Oh, motherfucker. I am white and I am STILL HIGH! Cain’t believe it!

Goodell: Now, Michael. I need to know you’ve been rehabilitated. I don’t EVER want to hear about you staging labradoodle fights again. I don’t even think you should be anywhere NEAR a labradoodle. Or else you will again find yourself doing three days in a minimum security Federal halfway rehab house and spa center.

White Mike Vick: But you don’t understand, Mister Commissioner Man! That’s just how we do at muthaphuckkin’ Wake Forest! I am a product of the environment I grew up in! If y’all ain’t from the more gentrified portions of Fairfax County in Virginia, y’all bitches ain’t got no business judging ME! All my friends grew up fightin’ ‘doodles: Blakely, Taylor, Tyler, Jaden, Braden, Grayson, “The Dukester”…

Goodell: I don’t care! And neither does coach Dungy, because you are white and he doesn’t do image rehabilitation for white athletes such as yourself.

White Mike Vick: This some bullllllshit!

Goodell: Now, we have to find a proper team for you. I called the Eagles and apparently you are FAR too accurate for Andy Reid’s liking. He much prefers a much more athletic QB who’s willing to spray the ball all over the field, as if the ball is being urinated out of the QB’s penis. Like Vince Young! You’re too poised in the pocket and skilled at reading defenses for that sort of thing.

White Mike Vick: Then who’s gonna sign me?

(door flies open)

King of the Hobos: GRRRR GRUMBLE GRUMBLE NEED CHASTENED ATHLETE TO YELL AT.

Goodell: Bill here is the best there is at putting wayward athletes like you in their place.

King of the Hobos: GRRRR NO COMPLAINING WHILE I RAPE YOU.

White Mike Vick: I don’t want to go there! I want to start! In Buffalo! Surrounded by people and snow that look just like me!

Goodell: You’re riding the bench in New England and that’s that!

Tommy: (calling into WEEI) ANATHAHHH MASTAHSTROKE BY OW-AHHHH FOOTBAWLL RED AHHHHHHBACK! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

Similarly retarded WEEI caller: I’ve been cawllin’ fah them to replace Brady fah yeee-ahs. What has he done far Sawx Nation lately? WE NEVAH SHOULD HAVE GAWTTEN RID OF BLEDSOE! TOTALLY CLASSLESS MOVE BY A CLASSLESS AHHGANIZATION!

(fast forward to September 2010)

Brady: (driving Audi down the street) Boy, I sure would like to drive more recklessly. You know what? Knowing there’s a pedigreed WHITE quarterback behind me on the depth chart, I see no reason not to take a little risk. Lemme just speed up a little here.

(Brady dies)

Tommy: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Fackin’ Lenny Bias and Reggie Lewis and Bucknah times FAHHHH MILLION!

Yankees Fan: Please. 9/11 is the dynasty of mass tragedies forever.

Tommy: Fackin’ 9/11 is nawt even in its bawlllpahhhk! FACK YOU, YOU NEW YARK FAGGOT! WE WILL NEVAH GET OVAH THIS! THESE AHHH DAHHHK TIMES! THANK GAWD HIS BACKUP ISN’T A DAHHKIE!

King of the Hobos: GRRRR TOM WAS A FINE YOUNG MAN BUT HE’S DEAD NOW LET’S ALL MOVE ON. MIKE’S MY GUY NOW.

White Mike Vick: Oh, fuck! I’m the starter now! CAIN’T NOBODY DO WHAT I DO!

(Passes for 5,000 yards and 40 TDs)

(Runs for 0 yards)

(Gives no one herpes)

(Jersey becomes instant best-seller in Boston area)

Tommy: Greatest GREATRIOT OF ALL TIME! He reminds me of me! So spunky. So gritty. I don’t cay-ahhh if he fought expensive dawgs. THAT JUST SHOWS YOU HOW HAHHHHDCORE-AH HE IS! JUST LIKE THE QUINZERS! He may be a cawnvict, but he is ow-ahhhh cawnvict! Like Ben Affleck, he embawdies the toughness and realness of ow-ah town!

Gruden: I tell you what, Jaws. This guy… there’s no ceiling with this guy. You talk about a guy who loves to COMPETE.

(fast forward to 2011)

ESPN Editor: Hmm. Seems like Mike Vick’s getting an awful lot of run lately. I wonder if…

Headline: “WHAT IF MIKE VICK WERE BLACK?!!!!”

Tommy: You take that Photoshawp back! He’ll nevah be a fackin’ black! 100% IRISH TILL HE DIES! THAT’S OW-AH VICK!!!!!