Eric Weddle: Hey guys. Just wanted to make sure you know I’m a free agent and all. I understand this has been a hectic time for everybody with the lockout ending. But this is something that should probably get done sooner or later. Just my two cents. Anyway, my stance is that I could stand to stick around. Or not. I could go. Cool with that, too. But if I had to choose, I’d say… leaning toward staying. Maybe. For the right price, of course.
A.J. Smith: Oh, of course, Eric. We’re on top of that one, believe you me. And here’s the thing – we’re not interested in beating around the bush. No splitting hairs, no haggling, no nothing. We just want to get this deal done and have you on the field, ASAP. So let’s get down to brass tacks – what are your feelings about signing for Way, Way Too Much Money?
Eric Weddle: Hmm. As one of the premier middle-of-the-pack safeties in the league, I’m not so sure Way, Way Too Much Money is higher than what I could command on the open market. We’re talking six interceptions in four NFL seasons, here. You remember what Dan Snyder paid Adam Archuleta? The demand for white safeties is out of control. And I plan to reap the benefits.
A.J. Smith: I hear ya, Eric. Like I said, we’re not worrying about complex mumbo-jumbo like cap planning or any of that hoo-ha. Let’s leave that to the stuff-shirt guys in some of those other franchises. That’s not how we do business around here. We just want you around, for whatever it takes. So I’ll tell you what: double it. Take that figure I just gave you and multiply it by two.
Eric Weddle: [Does math]
Oh yeah. That looks much better.
A.J. Smith: I thought it might.
Eric Weddle: All right. Great! Let’s draw this thing up. I’m ready to sign.
A.J. Smith: Whoa whoa whoa. Slow down there, skip. I’m as eager as you are, but we gotta do this thing right. You didn’t even give me a chance to tag on the $19 million guaranteed.
Eric Weddle: Good call. That would have been a mistake.
A.J. Smith: We all square now? You sure there isn’t an ownership stake I could throw in there?
Eric Weddle: Hmmm. We could probably revisit that when I want to renegotiate next off-season.
A.J. Smith: That’s why we love you here, Eric.
[Contract signed and announced to media]
[Tweetdeck flies open]
Congrats to Eric Weddle! He just signed a deal for what the steelers got @tpolamalu & I for combined! Wow!less than a minute ago via Twitter for iPhone 
Favorite 
Retweet 
Reply
ryan clark
RealRClark25
A.J. Smith: Interesting factoid. Ah well.
[Door flies open]
Philip Rivers: Ya betta ask someboddddddaaaaaayyyyyyyyy!
Good news, cocktumblers, I can be awesome at football again. FUCKING YEAH! UP TOP! GET SOME! With the lockout over, I am now LOCKED IN to win the Super Bowl that should have been mine at least five years ago. You like that line? LOCKED IN. Took me three months to come up with it. Tried it out on my prayer group and it FUCKING KILLED. So I know it worked on you heathen Satan slobbers.
Yo, Gay J Smith – what weapons did you add to my arsenal? The super soldiers need more super. Lot more super. Even I, great as I fucking am, can only do so much. That’s humility. Jesus teaches it, I preaches it. We get that uppity big dick receiver from the Jets?
A.J. Smith: No, Philip, I’m sorry, we weren’t able to sign Santonio Holmes.
Rivers: What about that shithead who had one good season sucking Favre’s asshole for the Bi-queens?
A.J. Smith: We weren’t able to sign Sidney Rice either.
Rivers: Well, shit. WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN DOING, THEN? Making dildos out of pipe cleaners then decorating them with campers?
A.J. Smith: For your information, Phil, we’ve had a very productive free agency period.
Rivers: THE ONLY TIME A PERIOD IS PRODUCTIVE IS IF A BABY IS BORN! Fine. What do you have for me queefstain?
A.J. Smith: Well, we re-signed Antwan Barnes, Mike Tolbert, Jacques Cesaire and made Eric Weddle the highest paid safety in NFL history.
Philip Rivers: ERIC WEDDLE? WHO THE FUCK IS THAT? He sounds like he plays second base for the Belle Plaine Ballwashers.
A.J. Smith: Eric has been our starting free safety for the past three years.
Philip Rivers: Let me get this straight. Not only are you wasting money on defense – USELESS FUCKING DEFENSE! – but you’re doing it on the same sorry sad-sack losers that have lost me games for years? Squandered my constant bounties of points?
A.J. Smith: When you put it that way… yes.
Rivers: FOR THE LOVE OF G-D, THAT’S SO G-D FUCKING STUPID! I’ve seen atheist East Coast homosexuals with more sense than you got.
A.J. Smith: I didn’t leave you entirely high and dry. We signed Randy McMichael, Kelley Washington and brought back Vincent Jackson for a mere $11 million.
Rivers: You force me to profane our Lord.
A.J. Smith: Phil, I …
Rivers: YOU DONE DID IT! JESUS TANDEM SKYDIVING FUCKING CHRIST, I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY LET A WALKING ABORTION RUN AN NFL TEAM! All I want is someone at receiver better than Say Arribabooboo and you give me RANDY MCMICHAEL!?
Fine. FINE. Once again it falls to me, the Job of Laserfaced quarterbacks. To bring glory unto Him with Super Bowls I must earn entirely by myself. And when I do, I will have my ascent to the throne of the sanctified, as the divine ideal of man’s quest for sport.
A.J. Smith: That would kick in a bonus in your contract, by the way.
Rivers: FUCKING SWEET
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![[image]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/05/0520-tim-teebow-girls-1-150x150.jpg)
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Weddle must have incriminating photos of AJ Smith. It’s the only reasonable explanation.
I love guys like this. Grab them for your Madden Franchise and then list them for trade, wanting only a 6th or 7th rounder in return. I just know one of my friends is going to go “Hey a 80-something Safety for a 6th? What a steal!” and then five minutes later send me a profanity laced email once he bothers to note the cap hit.
/dealt Karney for a 5th, he had a 22 million dollar cap hit
//not very popular in the Madden Franchise
Belle Plaine Ballswashers is my new fantasy team name.
Geez, everybody knows that Jack Mehoff plays “second base for the Belle Plaine Ballwashers.”
/funny in fourth grade, funny now
Now the lockout is REALLY over. God bless Marmalard.
After seeing the Weddle deal, Brian “Fired” Russell has renewed hope for his triumphant return to… sucking.
But he has like 35,783,921 tackles! Who else will wrestle the receiver to the ground after a 40-yard catch?
In Rivers’ defense, Randy McMichael sounds less like a football player and more like the name of someone who was in Steely Dan or Blood, Sweat, and Tears.
When reached for reaction, Overpaid White Defensive Backs Associate, President John Lynch stated “Even I think that is obscene.”
Secretary for the OWDB, Jason Sehorn, was similarly troubled, “Did he beat Hermann Maier three years running in the ABC Sports Superstars Challenge? I don’t fucking think so.”
I admit it — I kinda feel sorry for laserface. At least he can bang some of those hot chargers cheerl- oh.
I was hoping the Colts would pick up Weddle, but not at that price.
And Donte Whitner is still sitting at home. He only wants $8 million a year.
QUEEFSTAIN
Belle Plaine Ballwashers catcher Mike Piazza had no comment.
Theres nothing better than the days when Laserface screams at me to calllll somebodayyyyy.
Eric Weddle for $40 mill? Really? He’s the best they could do? $19 mill guaranteed? AJ Smith knows there is a hard salary cap this year right? Did they structure the contract like McNabb’s $73 mill deal from last season? Please tell me this is some type of post-lockout tomfoolery.
If not, geez Chargers fans are gonna start slitting their wrists before the season even starts.
Forgot to mention that I love that Captain Lazerface can just bitch out his GM at any given moment with no consequences or repercussions.
Making dildos out of pipe cleaners then decorating them with campers
I don’t even know how to respond to that one.
After seeing the deal, I knew there would be a Laserface post coming soon, and that is the only solace I could take in it.
What a day, the return of Lazerface and a completely off the fucking wall comment by Monkeypisspants.
I’ll take Fat Hump Insults for 400, Alex.
He gained 50 lbs over the offseason by eating pork gravy on every dish he had for the past 6 months, including shrimp cocktail.
Oh, mmememememe, Alex.
Who is Monkey Business?
I won, I facking won Jeapordy!!!!
I used to play as the Chargers in Madden ’08, and in Dynasty Mode Eric Weddle always eventually got really good.
My first thought when I heard about this deal is that A.J. Smith makes all of his business decisions based on outdated versions of Madden, as opposed to actually watching real humans play football.
AJ Smith is just trying to help out teams that don’t want to spend money this year. See, the league as a whole needs to reach 99% of the cap… there are no team-by-team salary floors. However, all guaranteed money and signing bonuses counts towards THIS YEAR’S salary floor. He’s just trying to help out the teams, like my Niners, from having to make ANY FUCKING MOVES AT ALL.
It all makes sense, you see. AJ Smith is a humanitarian.
LOL! It’s funny because Weddle earns the same ammount of the Piitsburgh safeties! That implies he’s better than any of them! WHICH IS A FUCKING LIE!!!!!!!! SIXBURGH!!!!
(Say Arribabooboo was awesome, thouhg)
Hey A.J., Norval doesn’t need any help sabotaging the Chargers with incompetence.
Rivers is now my favorite character on KSK, and it’s not even close. This is literary gold:
Rivers: THE ONLY TIME A PERIOD IS PRODUCTIVE IS IF A BABY IS BORN!
This signing is irrelevant since Arizona has signed Pork Chop Womack they are the new team of destiny.
I like AJ Smith; he is the only hope of the Broncos being competitive in the division sometime in the future.
heathen Satan slobbers.
*****
A-NOTHER great FF name.
He’s got to be kicking back a nice chunk of that to Smith.
If not, geez Chargers fans are gonna start slitting their wrists before the season even starts
@j4b… that’s still not soon enough.
/raiders fan in san diego
// we suck too
/// but still… fuck the chargers
JESUS TANDEM SKYDIVING FUCKING CHRIST
Nice!
Making dildos out of pipe cleaners then decorating them with campers?
What?
Also, Tim Sullivan is a repetitive, long-winded, repetitive gas bag. Must be paid by the word…paid by the word.
I’d like to chip in on the bafflement being expressed here with the “making dildos out of pipe cleaners then decorating them with campers” line. I laughed my ass off when I read it. I just don’t know why. I’m definitely using it though.
“Capers” Instead of “campers”? Maybe?
Naaaaah, campers is a shit-ton funnier,
/cooks shrimp/pasta/capers for supper
I cannot possibly express how much joy this post brings me.
Well kids; Randy Moss; HoF?!?!?
8th in receptions; 954 T with Hines Wald, behind Isaac Bruce.
5th in rec. yards behind Brown, Bruce, Owens, and Rice.
2nd in rec. TD behind Rice, T with Owens at 153.
9th in rec. yards per game.
As much as I love visits from Sexy Rexy, Marmalard will always be my favorite KSK Karacter
Marmalard is back! I am happy!
Hate to shit in the punch bowl, but Weddle was offered more money elsewhere and took less to stay a Charger. There was a shortage of free agent safeties, this is what the market bore. He got the same money as Mikell, and he’s 5 years younger.
He’s not even the highest paid safety in his own division. Eric Berry’s rookie contract was for a shit ton more money overall, per year and guaranteed.
Middle of the pack safety? Pro Football Focus disagrees, but what the hell do they know, they only scout and grade every play of the season.
Have fun trying to re-sign Polamalu next year Ape, I’m sure he’ll just love being offered less than Weddle, or I’m sure the Steelers will be jazzed to pay a 30+ safety with a significant injury history a shit ton of money.
I also think its funny that you think AJ Smith would ever be loose with his cap money. Dude is a cheapskate when it comes to re-signing players, and he has never brought in a big contract free agent from another team. This isn’t the fucking Raiders or Redskins we are talking about, San Diego is notorious for low balling people.
Just to put a bit of math behind my bs:
Troy Polamalu first 4 years: 31 games played, 15 started, 301 tackles, 7 sacks, 27 break ups, 9 picks, 1 TD. For that he got 7+ million a year in 2007.
Weddle first 4 years (with worse defensive teammates): 31 games played, 16 started, 358 tackles, 4 sacks, 6 picks, 28 break ups, 2 TDs.
He aint Polamalu, but the idea that this contract (accounting for inflation and the market) is some kind of Ryan Leaf worthy fuck up is funny.
But not as funny as Marmalard. Nothing is that funny.
Jack Tatum is spinning in his grave.
Jeez, Crash, defensive much?
Crash, you missed one huge stat inproving Weddle was overpaid.
On a scale of 1 to 10 of whiteness:
Weddle – 10
Polamalu – 2
I rest my case your honor.
@ Brutus
I object! Polamalu is at least a 4 on the Whiteness scale!
BTW Ryan Clark needs some math lessons. According to Google, he gets paid about 4 million bucks a year and Troy gets paid about 7.5 a year. How 7.5+4=11.5>8 is beyond me. Must be gritty Steeler math.
@ Chad Henne
Just trying to enlighten. There’s so much ignorance in Fandom today, I like to do my part to combat it. There are plenty of reasons to hate my Chargers, we don’t need fake ones.
Crash is a little too serious, but he’s right. Aj isn’t normally free with the checkbook and the market for free agent safeties was tough this year. It’s not like he gave a new big check to Butters or anything (btw, Butters rules).
That said, great piece. Clever pun in the title and the High Commander of the Super Soldiers is back! He needs to be updating his twitter feed more often, though.
@Crash – Where in your mind does Weddle rank in the NFL among safeties?
Whitner is better than Weddle. Are you telling me that the Chargers couldn’t have signed Whitner for this same contract?
I guess we’ll find out in a few weeks when/if Whitner does sign somewhere.
“Yo, Gay J Smith – what weapons did you add to my arsenal? The super soldiers need more super. Lot more super. Even I, great as I fucking am, can only do so much. That’s humility. Jesus teaches it, I preaches it”
/Heh
“What do you have for me queefstain?”
//Haha
“Say Arribabooboo”
///Spit-take ruins semi-important papers on my desk at work.
You just made my day Ape.
@Moose: Randy Moss is a lock for the HOF. He broke Jerry Rice’s single season TD record and has been an integral part of the highest scoring offense in NFL history not once, but twice (the Pats broke the single season point scoring record that Moss helped set with the Vikes in ’98). The HOF is already filled with shitheads who weren’t half as talented or productive as Moss (see: Michael Irvin) so that fact that he has been a total queefstain does not preclude his induction. As far as pure talent goes, I don’t think there has ever been another Randy Moss. You’re an old guy, so you remember the early years. I was barely Bar Mitzvah’d when by the time was drafted, but even I could tell the guy was flat out ridiculous.
Sorry: *I was barely Bar Mitzvah’d by the time he was drafted, but even I could tell the guy was flat out ridiculous*
/nerded
Marmalard? I thought this was a Tebow post. Pleeeeease get those two together in a prayer circle with that model citizen Mister Dungy before the season is out. PLEASE.
/Still loves Sexy Rexxy the best, now with ink
No float?
Just so happy the first part of this wasn’t about the Texans paying Weddle the exact same amount.
Is it wrong that when I heard football was back the first thing I thought of was KSK’s Marmaduke, Rex, and Nacho…
I can’t find Say Arribabooboo in the database. When the fuck is Yahoo going to add him?
@Cereal Killer; agreed, even discounteing his stats somewhat for the modern passing era he was able to dominate games. When a WR or TE can dominate a game with multiple type and qualities of QBs (Culpepper) to me is a grading factor. He made defenses play different schemes when he was on the field. The problems with the voters is they’ll look at him and say he took plays off and didn’t try (Oakland tenure) all the time, which is true. However you have to put him in based on what he did. A stat I didn’t mention: 2nd behind Rice in 100 yard games.
Hey Crash; thank you for the information. Please keep posting this good stuff. ALSO, PLEASE add a dick joke at the end, you’re a Bolts fans, it should be easy.
With Moss; one coach said when he saw a long pass to Moss he’d just start getting the kick off rec. tea ready.
Have fun trying to re-sign Polamalu next year Ape
Okay.
/not responsible for re-signing Steelers free agents.
//also unsure why anyone would think I’m trying to make a serious argument with these posts
This wasn’t serious?
I’m pretty sure those are quotes from Phillip Rivers, so this has to be accurate.
@ Moose
River’s doesn’t swear. And he’s in a race with Travis Henry for progeny. (Granted Travis has the advantage of not being married)
Stats are great, but does anyone really think Weddle is a top-flight safety? Good yes, but shoot, not THAT good.
Moss = HoF. If Irvin can get in with stabbing a teammate, Moss’ Oakland pouts can be overlooked.
Carter should have went in before Irvin.
Rivers says ‘gosh darn’ and ‘your mother’ instead, but it’s just a substitute.
“Belle Plaine Ballwashers” XD
Chad Henne
I’d ask why Randy McMichael wouldn’t sound like a member of Chicago, but then I remembered the name would have to be more Italian or Polish (think Cetera, Lamm, Pankow, etc)