This is The Postmortal, a novel I wrote that comes out today (buy it through here.). Now, I know the idea of reading a novel makes you want to run screaming for the hills, but you have to trust me when I tell you that I have been forced to read just as many terrible novels in my time as you have. So I did everything in my power to ensure that this was the most METAL goddamn book you ever read, which is why The Postmortal contains the following elements:

• Immortal strippers
• Exploding hippies
• Involuntary scarification
• Doggy-style intercourse
• Short chapters
• A cameo by fake Robert Evans
• Insane Texans
• Shootings
• Bombings
• Bloodthirsty mobs of homeless cannibals
• Binge drinking

And much more. Now obviously, I’m not the most reliable person to tell you that this book is good, because I’m the asshole who wrote it and is trying to profit from it. HOWEVER, if you consult the Goodreads page for the book, you will see that it has, as of this writing, an average rating of 4.05 stars among Goodreads users. That’s a better average rating than the following books:

• “The Road” (3.94)
• “On The Road” (3.62)
• “The Catcher In The Rye” (3.73)
• “The Sound and the Fury” (3.84)
• “Beloved” (3.69)
• “Sports Illustrated Monday Morning Quarterback: A fully caffeinated guide to everything you need to know about the NFL” (3.27)
• “A Farewell To Arms” (3.65)

I think I can say that the above ratings offer definitive proof that I’m TOTALLY BETTER than all those other authors. I didn’t beat the King James edition of the Holy Bible (4.31), although there’s still plenty of time, now isn’t there? So listen to these insanely picky and possibly delusional human beings and buy the thing. Then come to tomorrow night’s reading in DC and we can all slap each other on the ass, HARD. (Two more readings will take place in Brooklyn on 9/19 and Austin, TX on 9/29. Details to come)

Seriously though, hope you like the book. And if not, hey there’s always more Rex Ryan posts and stuff.