Vick: Oh.
Oh, man.
Oh, Sweet Wilma Flintstone. DAMN.
I am fucking HIGH!
Can’t slow my roll! Even Jeremy Maclin’s mystery herpes ain’t gonna slow down MV7. I got everything I need for this season: LeSean, DeSean, probably some other Sean, Nnamdi, this 3D pegasus sticker they sold me at the Rite Aid… Look at that pegasus, man. If I look at it this way, its wings are down, but if I look at it THIS way, its wings are up! That’s SORCERY, bitch.
(door issued tersely worded warning to open or face potential locking out)
Goodell: Michael, glad I found you!
Vick: Oh! Oh, shit! It’s my red-headed stepdad!
Goodell: Michael, we have a bit of a problem.
Vick: I know! The Rite Aid had NO Visine! THE FUCK?
Goodell: It’s not that. Listen, we need to talk about this GQ article.
Vick: Oh, you mean the one from the Raisin Man. That was one fucked up white boy. Ate raisins ALL THE DAMN TIME. Went on and on about baseball like a damn BITCH.
Goodell: Yes well, you see this part where you intimated that we forced you to sign with the Eagles instead of the Bills or Bengals?
Vick: Oh right! I do! You said you’d put my mom into foreclosure if I signed with Cincy. CLEAR AS DAY. I may be high, but some things still stick around in this dome!
Goodell: Actually, I do believe that joining the Eagles was your choice.
Vick: It was?
(flashes back)
(The Vick home, 2009)
Goodell: YOU WILL SIGN THIS FUCKING CONTRACT OR I WILL PACMAN JONES YOU INTO THE GODDAMN POORHOUSE.
Dungy: Listen to him, Michael. You must consider what is best for THE LEAGUE, for what is best for THE LEAGUE is also best for you. And for Your Maker.
Vick: But I wanna start! Lee Evans said he can’t wait to drop balls 50 yard downfield from me! CAIN’T DO THAT IN PHILLY!
Dungy: (takes off belt and lashes Vick across the face with it) SILENCE!
(back to present day)
Goodell: Absolutely. It was YOUR decision.
Vick: Huh. I must have been… Huh. Shit. DAMN.
Goodell: Listen, a simple statement will clear this all up. Let me help you with it.
(whips out pen)
Vick: Okay. (starts writing) “Dear Mom,”
Goodell: You don’t have to address it. It’s not a letter. Just write the statement. “I, Michael Vick…”
Vick: “I, Michael Vick…”
Goodell: “…was in NO WAY influenced by the NFL or commissioner Roger Goodell…”
Vick: “…was in NO WAY influenced by the NFL or commissioner Roger Goodell…” Are you sure I wasn’t influenced?
Goodell: Absolutely. Not influenced AT ALL. Now keep writing. “…in my decision making.”
Vick: “…in my decision making.” Is that the right wording? I can’t decide.
Goodell: IT’S THE RIGHT WORDING. NOW SIGN IT.
Vick: But who’s this Goodell fella you keep mentioning?
Goodell: I AM.
Vick: Oh. Really? WOW. That’s a serious-ass plot twist right there.
Goodell: Just send out that statement. And if anyone asks you, the NFL has NEVER influenced your decision-making.
Vick: And what do I have for dinner tonight?
Goodell: Chinese. Gotta go Chinese.
Vick: Damn! That’s a bold choice! Can’t go wrong listening to y’all!
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Duuuuude! That’s, like, so how I ended up with Miami.
Wait… what… Baltimore? Like, for real?
Wow. This is some goooooood shit, man.
Plax was secretly guided out of New York to avoid the temptations of guns and nightlife…oh, wait. Goodell Fail.
When I want a spleef opinion, I go to the experts.
CHCC; Plus cooking can be fun. Side advice: don’t grill and, get on KSK “for a couple ‘a minutes”, watch your team for a meaningfull game, have more than four beers. An combination of those can have you ruinong a $20 steak in no time ($32 porterhouse). If you practice you can make better food than a majority of the restaurants and all the fastfood places.
I really must learn to use Pacman Jones as a verb more often.
Speaking of the devil, that was quite the performance by Michael Pick last night.
@ Moose – Huh, what, oh, Wilma Flintstone definitely got dat azz!
more cooky, more fucky
Ookie better not share his blunts with Maclin. Gotta avoid the mystery herpes.
And learn to fucking cook.
This, this, a thousand times this. Impresses the ladies/gents, saves you buku bucks in both the short and the long term, and it’s a pretty essential skill in terms of being able to take care of yourself and/or a family, if you want one. Also, if you can cook, you can create (and stick to) a mealplan for yourself, thereby allowing you to maintain your weight/lifestyle/what-have-you.
/Steps down from soapbox
And don’t trust whitey!
I’m all adviced up and have no mailbag to dispense my drunken wisdom to. You messed with my Thursday, Falco!
/shakes fist
Fuck it. Here goes.
If you are young, educated and wish to be professionally successful for your entire working career…
Don’t have kids.
Don’t.
And stop buying presents.
You’re making the rest of us feel guilty.
And learn to fucking cook.
Don’t flip off the angry guy in the Civic because he may have a gun.
Get some walking in.
That’s it for now.
Spot o………
What?
Moose. It’s pretty damn accurate.
Oh shit.
That’s the Longbottom leaf.
I’m higher than Bilbo Baggins.
Flutie really did shit on the Bill’s luck. They need a priest.
My Frank Langella tags didn’t format correctly.
IT’S NOT TAMPERING IF THE COMISSIONER DOES IT
We have to make sure Brutus Ballsack confirms that this is an accurate portrayal of a STONED M. Vick.
@UU; NOOOOOBDY circles the wagons like….. oh, sorry. Fitzpattyboy is way better than Tejesus.
I love Plaschke’s thoughts on whether Cincy or Buffalo was screwed:
Some say fans in those first two cities should be outraged. I say they should be thankful.
Yes. I’m sure Bills and Bengals fans are doing cartwheels in the streets over the fact their teams are being led by Ryan Fitzpatrick and a Quarterback To Be Named Later instead of the best player in the NFL today.
Goodell: “And another thing…James Dungy was murdered. Murdered by a fruity gay married couple. Got it?”
Ralph Wilson is very confused about …. well, everything. You always have Steamed Hams, UU.
thanks TPS
I’ll share with you UU.
@TPS, good point.
@CW, hide what you want, just leave the booze for me.
Ok, hide everything sharper than gum from UU. Gonna be a long season for the Argo- I mean, Bills. Sorry.
@UU – at least you don’t have Tavaris fucking Jackson.
@EP, thanks for reminding me.
Wings go up, wings go down.
Can’t explain that.
Fear not, UU, you have Brad Smith instead and some guy named Donald Jones that PK wants you to draft in the first round.
Is Dungy gonna have to choke a bitch?
You can’t stop a Dirty Ginge once they put their mind to something…they have no soul (nods knowingly).
Poor Ookie. Somebody should buy him a puppy or something…
If you don’t know the story, it’s a wacky one: We came awfully close to missing out on this era of Vick’s career because of pastry.
The only that could be more Leitchian was if it was raisins, not pastry.
I like how Vick refers to Leitch as “the Raisin Man.”
Now I hate Goodell even more knowing Vick could have been a Bill.
I had vietnamese last night. I was pretty go–
/Hit in the face with Dungy’s belt.
Dungy Slap!!! You can’t beat a ho with a belt… they like that shit. Trucky from “Pootie Tang” 2001.
The Dungy twist was pure genius, the belt lashing was sublime.
Vick really wanted to order Korean food, but Goodell doesn’t want him even remotely associated with anything that brings harm to dogs.
“Dungy: (takes off belt and lashes Vick across the face with it) SILENCE!”
Dungy is Daddy Tang? Makes sense.
Ookie done got hisself in some serious shit from the G-man.