Every year we do this fantasy naming guide, but I’m especially happy to present it to you this year because, of course, there almost wasn’t fantasy football at all. And how terrible would that have been? No choosing an offensive team name. No hoping to organize a live draft with all your KRAYZEE BUDDIES IN VEGAS, only to have your plans fall through and organize a Yahoo! draft that features a disappointingly low amount of chat in the chat box, with people bailing after the sixth round. No looking at your draft haul and realizing you hate your team. No dropping players in Week 2 who magically turn into perma-studs in Week 3. No sitting there impotently while Chad, that dickhead from sales, cruises to the title for the fourth straight year and pretends he knows a lot about football WHEN IT’S ALL LUCK, I TELL YOU! ALL DUMB LUCK!

None of that. Which would be horrible.

So it’s with great relief that I bring you this year’s fantasy naming guide. These name suggestions have been painstakingly hand-crafted over the course of the year (or past two hours), and they are yours to do with as you see fit. There are NO Charlie Sheen jokes on this list. If you use a Charlie Sheen joke, you deserve to be kicked out of your league for being a tit. The best fantasy name is one that amuses you and/or disgusts others throughout the course of the entire season. And so these names were conceived with an EVERGREEN feel in mind. Let us begin:

-Casey Anthony Baby Shower
-Amy Winehouse Corpse Bukkake
-Rex Ryan Footpie
-Gay Dungys
-Pumpkin-Flavored Sperm
-The Loftorium
-Alabama Tornado Pot Luck ’11
-The Ryan Dunn 500 Brought To You By Smirnoff
-Rainbow Jizzstains
-Fister Roboto
-Rashard Mendenladen
-Bill Barnwell’s Foreskin Metrics
-Cowherd Penis Tumor
-Jay Cutler Kneeginas
-#blacktwittertags
-Jerry Richardson Ass Cancer Fairies
-Cromartie Foster Child Outlet
-Adam Schefter Porn Tape
-Nipple Pot Pie
-Gin & Chloroform
-Sophomores For Sanchez
-Li’l Sebastians
-Slutwranglers
-Authorized Bill Simmons Movie Stars
-Tebow Anal Pledge
-Oslo Shooting Daycamp
-Steve Slaton Butterclaws
-Tommy Freshes
-Lexxi Silver’s Side-Armed Handjobs (courtesy @pearlbullets)
-Crazy Ira & The DOUCHE
-Tiki’s White Girl Fund
-Cock And Biscuits
-Lenny Dykstra’s Debt Ceiling
-The Charging Vulvas
-Slutty Megatron
-Peles of Anal
-Tonguin’ Connie Britton
-Brandon Marshall’s Better Half
-Angry Turds
-Banjo Chris Kluwe
-Dichabod Cranes
-Darren Rovell’s Cake Balls
-Snapplecunt and the Vomitoriums
-Roger Goodell Anal Faceplant
-Monkey With A Gun
-Captain Karl’s Pizza Ship
-Gabby Giffords Skull Bowling
-Betty Ford Gravekegger
-Russian Nesting Dildos
-Nastyass Honey Badgers
-Bin Laden Corpse Removal Systems
-Hot Fudge Butt
-The Last Chinese Rapist
-The Last Wilting Turd
-The Booty Farmers
-Laurie Berkner Titpinch
-Clarence Clemons Skin Sax
-Motorboatin’ Nancy Grace’s Eyebrows
-Ellis Lankster Always Pays His Debts
-Ryan Murphy’s Leaking Colon
-Kenny Britt Lockout Blotter
-Jeff Fisher Will Fistpump For Dollars
-Hillis Week 2 Groin Tear
-Nazi Baristas
-Penises & Aliens
-Yogi Nuggets
-Steve Serby Has Mouth Herpes
-OSU Scrotal Tattoos
-Steig Larsson’s Rape Scenes
-Anal Hair Putting Green
-Vancouver Riotkissers
-Battery Acid Colonic
-Beav Hose Soaking
-Venice Peronis
-Al Davis Face Lesions
-Pyramid of Greatness
-All the Bacon and Eggs You Have
-Conrad Hotel Receipt Bitch
-Dave Duerson’s Headspot
-Derek Jeter Rapes Starving Cripples
-The More Teams Should Do This Department
-Four Seasons Or Bust
-Dave Meggett GHB Bucket
-Kam Nootuns
-The Recombobulation Area
-Pippa Middleton Booty Watch 2011
-Peter’s King Team. Sort Of.
-Montclair GODFUCKYOUS
-Jeff Blumbkins
-Childhood Molestation Pillows
-Gus Johnson Mouthskeet
-Dan Snyder’s Inverted Penis
-Rick Reilly’s Adjectives
-Cookies For Steve Young
-Box O’ Clits
-Dallas Moonscapers
-Clown Shoes Brewmeisters
-Polka Dot Boners
-Roger Ebert’s Jawbag
-RUPERT MURDOCH JACKED OFF TO MY SEXTS
-Prikileaks
-Peter King’s Extended Vacation
-Darnell Dockett’s Trillest Tweets
-Box Full Of Baby Penises
-Gulf Coast Oilbirds
-Bleechur Reeporte
-Hugh Jackman Mustache Parade
-Spork in Your Uterus
-Gary Kubiak Fumble Orgy
-Norv’s Face Geologist
-Joey Harrington’s Paper Route
-Titburglars
-Urethra Foam Beard
-Katy Perry’s Speculum
-Backfat Corn Turds
-Mexican Gingivitis
-The Spanish Tit Hammers
-Fukushima Blinkies

Yours in the comments. Rejoice everyone. Fantasy is BACK.