When we last left Nazi coffee enthusiast, Peter King, he was coming back from vacation FOR A MONTH and telling you about all the cool stuff he learned. Did you know Adolf Hitler was born in Austria? And that he wore riding boots? And that he murdered over six million Jews? WEIRD.
So what about this week? Will Peter do more traveloguing? Did he find any more precious Yogi nuggets, presumably that Yogi left behind in the Rao’s restroom? Is Fenway Park still Peter’s top ranked baseball stadium, provided he gets excellent seats and is treated like a pube-headed GOD? READ ON. This week’s edition is tasty, flaky, fresh!
IN THE USO-MOBILE, ON I-81 IN CENTRAL VIRGINIA — Camps are open. Football’s back. I’m on the road, writing Monday Morning Quarterback in the cab of a big rig near the Blue Ridge Mountains.
WEIRD BLUE RIDGE MOUNTAIN FACT: Judge Judy vacations there quite often. Other Judytoids: Were you aware that Judy received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame five years ago? And that her robe on the show is a cotton/poly blend? And that her twat smells like pistachio shells?
This new intrigue intrigues me, Sir Bedivere. Explain again how sheep’s bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.
Life is good.
Oh, do you not have a USO big rig to cart your dumpy body around the country, visiting training camp after training camp? Pity. You should really try it sometime. Especially YOU, Albert Breer. What are you doing driving that rented Ford Focus to every camp like a sucker? YOU’LL LEARN ONE DAY TO WORK IT LIKE THE KING.
First, the headlines of the morning:
-Hitler disliked prunes!
-Judge Judy is a huge Texas Rangers fan!
-Try dinner at the Westend Bistro!
The Eagles wouldn’t have signed Nnamdi Asomugha without a simultaneous middle-of-the-night exchange of text messages between GM Howie Roseman and the agent for Asomugha, Ben Dogra, 15 hours before he agreed to terms with Philadelphia.
DOGRA: Yep. Wut’s up?
ROSEMAN: I cant sleep
DOGRA: Me neither.
ROSEMAN: Wuz jus thinkn of u. Were u thinkn of me?
DOGRA: Maybe a little.
DOGRA: Okay, maybe a lot.
KING: Say guys, this convo sounds like it’s gettin’ pretty steamy. Anyone wanna see my walleye on stick?
DOGRA: HOW DID YOU READ OUR TEXTS?!
I got to eavesdrop (with permission) on Dogra’s negotiation jousting with the Falcons over guard Justin Blalock Friday night/Saturday morning…
It’s not eavesdropping if you were given permission. Take it from someone who puts a glass to the wall in virtually every hotel room he stays in.
How’d we all miss Nnamdi to the Eagles?
BECAUSE YOU WERE BUSY TALKING ABOUT YOGI BERRA, YOU SHITDIGGER.
Dogra… had a message to deliver to Roseman first. “Don’t you think it’s strange we haven’t communicated in five or six hours, and all of sudden we send each other texts at exactly the same time? Are you sure we don’t want to explore this one last time?”
“Don’t you see that this is FATE? You were destined to give my client $25 million up front. ‘Twas foretold in the Newish Testament.”
Dogra’s no mystic, but he’ll always believe there was something eerie going on when two texts were sent simultaneously, and two phone calls made within 10 seconds of each other, all by the three people involved in making a deal happen.
I know! So weird that the principles involved in a high-end business deal would all call each other a lot! IT’S LIKE STARING AT A OUIJA BOARD.
This I knew: Jerry Richardson had his heart transplant on Super Bowl Sunday between the Steelers and Cardinals.
I knew this because Jerry asked me to bring him cookies and Gatorade right before he got dropped off at the hospital.
This I didn’t know: It was an NBC game that day, and when Richardson was being prepped for surgery, he had one request before being put under. “I wanted to hear that Faith Hill song,” he said.
Holy shit, Jerry Richardson has the worst taste in music ever. They never should have repaired his heart, which I assume is made of some kind of grit-and-salt pork mixture.
The NBC theme song for the football game was the last thing, other than some personal words from his wife, he heard before the transplant.
So touching. That a rich asshole would want to hear an awful song right before having an expensive heart procedure he could easily afford. It’s like the end of “Life Is Beautiful,” really.
Four things about the deal he loves:
“I get to overpay Charles Johnson!”
“I was told I’d get at least one free Negro to clean my barn!”
“I get to own the league’s most nondescript team!”
“PLAYERS CAN’T LISTEN TO THE HIPPITY BOP IN MAH LOCKER REWM.”
“(Roger Goodell) was by far the driving force to getting this deal done,” Richardson said. “when we picked this man five years ago, what a decision we made. He’s 52 years old now, and he’s demonstrated clearly his ability to take complex situations and make the best of them for our league. He got a 10-year deal in this climate in the sports business? Amazing.”
“And when he farts, OIL comes out! Pure, clean petrol. It’s like nothing else you’ve ever seen! And he can do sixty chin-ups in thirty seconds! And he knows MAGIC! REAL MAGIC! The kind they practice in Arabia! Write this down, Peter: ROGER GOODELL IS BASICALLY JESUS IF JESUS WERE CLEAN SHAVEN AND HAD SOUND FISCAL INSTINCTS.”
Five thoughts about the opening of camps:
1. Thank God there are no pesky Europeans to cut in line here in beautiful Ashbu… HEY THAT GUY GOT ON THE ELEVATOR BEFORE ME!
2. As a city to have fun in, we underrate Calgary.
3. The only thing that would make Packers camp better is if Billie Jean King sang for the kids.
4. Saw a man drive right over a piece of tire on the interstate. Buckner-like.
5. Accuracyball, Ryan Mallett. You need to play it.
Watching Cam Newton Sunday night in Spartanburg, S.C., three things were evident:
He’s a confident kid, even though he doesn’t know half of what he needs to know yet.
He’s not unlike Albert Breer. How’s your room at the Clarion, Bert? AMATEUR. OH TO BE YOUNG AND STUPID.
He’s very well-liked by the fans, and that’s helped by signing as many autographs as any Panther in camp so far.
QUASI DERRICK MASONESQUISH!
And though his accuracy is very much a work in progress (he missed six or eight open receivers Sunday), he does throw a beautiful deep ball…
That no one can catch.
One more reason why all teams should go to small college campuses, the way the Panthers do at Wofford College: They eat in the student union, and hang out there after lunch, with the real people…
Unlike people at the team facility, who are mostly made of carbon fiber.
— students who might be on campus, media, fans. On Sunday, one of the Panther players went to the piano in the corner and began playing a Mozart sonata. There’s nothing wrong with that.
WEIRD MOZART NUGGET: He was NOT Hitler’s favorite composer. That honor goes to Wagner. WEIRD.
ESPN will release this week a proposal for a new passer rating, called the Total QBR, or Total Quarterback Rating. It has been developed by several quarterbackmeisters at the network — most notably Trent Dilfer…
“Super Bowl wins are worth a zillion points!!!!!!”
“This is a game-changer,” Dilfer said.
It could be just the thing we need to cure AIDS.
“Mark my words: This is the number scouts and coaches and the media will use to quantitatively discuss and judge the ability of quarterbacks going forward.”
What I like about it is that ESPN finally accounted for NOWNESS in its calcuations.
If it sticks, of course. You know how the sporting public (and the larger American public) is with new ideas.
I know! Stupid asshole Americans. They lack VISION. You never see them drinking water with their espresso, or trying Nazi coffee. We limit ourselves in so many ways.
But judge for yourself. ESPN will explain the proposed Total QBR in a special Friday night show at 8 Eastern with Dilfer and the Monday night crew — Mike Tirico, Ron Jaworski and Jon Gruden.
GRUDEN: THIS RATING… You talk about a rating that’s accurate and polished!
JAWS: The numbers! The algorithms! I think this stat we made has a bright future in the National Football League, Inc, of America, Which Resides On Planet Earth, In the Milky Way Nebula.
So I’m on the road in the Mobile USO, a 40-foot truck/RV the troop-serving agency uses to get to troops who have no USO facility near or on their bases.
YOU ARE WASTING VALUABLE RESOURCES. PETER KING SHOULD NOT BE HANDED THE KEYS TO THE EM-50 URBAN ASSAULT VEHICLE. IT BELONGS IN THE HANDS OF REAL GO-GETTERS.
I started the camp trip Friday in Flowery Branch, Ga., working on a story that will run in the magazine this week, and the crew joined me Saturday at Falcons camp. I ride in the big rig with the drivers, who alternate driving while I write in a captain’s chair on the passenger side; only two guests can ride in the big vehicle at once. And the other two ride in a trailing minivan. The USO provides the Mobile USO; SI is paying all expenses.
BUT YOU’RE STILL WASTING A VEHICLE GOD DAMMIT.
Then Lou climbed into the driver’s seat and we started buzzing up I-85 toward Redskins camp in Northern Virginia, 490 miles of bumpy bliss while writing this column. Let’s just say I would have written longer overnight if the interstate highway system in this country weren’t as much of a roller coaster.
/immediately writes to congressmen to raise $4 billion to make American roads bumpier and less navigable.
By the way, way to complain about being unable to write from the seat of a fucking luxury big rig that you are being personally chauffeured around in. WHY CAN POOR PETE’S LIFE BE PERFECT AT ALL TIMES?
For those who have asked about my schedule …
Who did this? SHOW YOURSELVES. You know how the man loves to go through schedules. Have we learned nothing from the Great Papa Itinerary of ’10?
Today — The Redskins, in Ashburn, Va. One of the mystery teams in the league.
I know! SO MYSTERIOUS. Will they win four games or five? And just HOW shitty will John Beck be? America needs to know.
Good buddy Dan Graziano is threatening to make it a Nationals evening tonight in D.C. We shall see.
At the 22nd ranked ballpark in the universe? I THINK NOT, DAN.
Tuesday — The Ravens, in Owings Mills, Md. Baltimore will try to get over the Steeler hump in 2011.
And what a mighty, Pittsburghish hump it is.
Saturday — The Steelers, in Latrobe, Pa. Hmmm. Doesn’t look like I’ll see my old NBC pal, Tiki Barber.
Why won’t anyone hire my friend? Don’t you know he and I worked at a major television network together and watched games from a luxury production room? You can’t find that kind of experience on the street!
Monday, Aug. 8 — The Lions, in Allen Park, Mich. Looking forward to talking to Jim Schwartz about his music tastes and his heavy-metal-loving tweets.
“Jim, you mentioned a band called… Anal Cunt? Did I pronounce that right?”
Wednesday, Aug. 10 — The Bears, in Bourbonnais, Ill. Memo to the drive-thru Starbucks about two miles from the Bears practice fields: We’ll be stopping by for a couple of ventis that morning. I’ll need a transfusion.
And don’t give me any of that skim crap. And I expect there to be open access to the manager’s restroom and scented towels upon my arrival. And I would also like there to be a flatscreen TV airing Judge Judy when I walk in. And don’t even THINK about opening your doors to civilians.
Thursday, Aug. 11 — The Vikings, in Mankato., where I will get to replace the nifty gray and purple Minnesota State T-shirt I bought a couple of years ago, the one I left in some hotel somewhere.
OH THANK GOD. Here I was hoping for valued information about my team. Thankfully, Peter will go to Vikings camp to replace A FUCKING SHIRT. A shirt so valued to him that he left it in a fucking hotel room he can’t even remember the name of. Was it the Conrad? MAYBE. Was it the Westin? NO ONE KNOWS. Does Christian Ponder have any chance of being a useful quarterback? SHUT UP YOU’RE INTERRUPTING THE SEARCH FOR THE PRECIOUS REPLACEMENT SHIRT.
I think you’re all going to jump up and say, “Oh, you work with Florio, so you’re pumping him up” after this item.
Now, I may be a bit biased here before I go on and praise a colleague.
I guess I am.
That’s because I am. I’m totally biased. Nothing I’m about to say is gonna even have a whiff of legitimacy. Like that Jerry Richardson interview I barfed up a few paragraphs ago? Like that.
But if you want one sign that profootballtalk.com and czar founder Mike Florio have become power brokers in football, consider this. Falcons GM Thomas Dimitroff has a big-screen TV monitor with touch-screen capability in his office, and he has loaded with a few things. There’s his roster (with detailed bio and scouting information on each player), the Weather Channel and The Rumor Mill on profootballtalk.com.
AND CNN! THE MAN KNOWS THE WORLD!
Dimitroff walks up to the screen a few times a day and clicks his fingernail on the PFT logo, and up it comes.
Wow. That’s quite a nugget. A football exec checks a prominent football news site? GET. THE. FUCK. OUT. AND BRING ME BACK A VENTI.
I think one of the “wow” things to me early in camp reports I saw was rookie Gabe Carimi lining up at left tackle with the Bears’ first offense from the start. He hasn’t been there exclusively, but the point is interesting — Lovie Smith and Mike Tice aren’t fooling around with their production on the line. Not that he isn’t the best man for the job; I don’t know if he is or isn’t. But it’s an obvious sign the Bears feel they don’t have anything close to an NFL-caliber blind-side protector on the roster. So why not put Carimi there from day one, put his feet to the fire, and let him know they have the confidence in him to get it done from the first day of camp?
Reader DJ would like to note something here:
If you’re gonna rip PK this afternoon, his #7 Things…is completely wrong. Carimi hasn’t once lined up at LT w/ 1st team
Well DJ, he hasn’t been there EXCLUSIVELY. Sometimes, you don’t line up there all the time. Sometimes it’s NONE of the time. But none is still part of the time, is it not? Now, I don’t know if he’s the man for the job or not. Maybe he is. Maybe he isn’t. MAYBE THE LOCH NESS MONSTER IS JUST AN OPTICAL ILLUSION. But if I’m Mike Tice, why not play Gabe there none of the time and see how it works? What do you have to lose?
I kind of like the Eric Bedard deal for the Red Sox, because they didn’t have to give up anybody good, and Bedard’s been good in four of his last five starts.
STEAL OF THAH FACKIN’ YEEE-AHHHH!!!!
Finally saw the Curb Your Enthusiasm from last week. (DVR runs my TV life.)
Ugh, if only these fantastic electronic innovations didn’t keep me in their thrall!
Advice to the producers, and to Susie Essman: The angrier, the better, particularly at Jeff.
CURB PRODUCER: OMG! Finally, the advice I’ve been looking for! And what’s this? He wants more Funkhauser? WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF THAT?
Coffeenerdness: You do not want to get the coffee I tried at the CITGO in some small town off I-85 in South Carolina around 10 last night.
Oh, okay. I’ll be sure to note that the next time I’m around there, which is never.
When you walked in the place, you smelled the burners. I think my coffee was brewed lat April.
WHY CAN’T THERE BE PERFECT NAZI BREWED COFFEE AT ALL TIMES IN ANY PLACE I ENTER?!!!
Beernerdness: Not many to discuss, honestly. Did have a nice Paulaner Hefeweizen Saturday at my hotel in South Carolina. The nice waitress even put a lemon on the rim of the glass for me.
Jesus Christ, do you ever drink beer without citrus in it? Are you suffering from scurvy? God dammit.
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news & humor before everyone else.