When we last left Rolo McFlurry, he was advising you to take Tim Hightower in the third round of your fantasy draft (oh, does your league not award 5 points per fumble?), lamenting the dreariness of Tim Horton’s coffee, and taking you on a tour of lovely Pittsford, New York. PITTSFORD: LIVING HERE IS KIND OF LIKE BEING DEAD.
So what about this week? Does the addition of Brad Smith mean the Bills will now win 14 games, or 15 games? Will the Hall of Fame writer’s winner EVER be allowed to sit in the town parade? Think we shouldn’t do anything about gun violence in this country? I BET YOU LIKE GUN VIOLENCE, DON’T YOU? READ ON. There’s mental quicksand to be had here.
When I think about what to lead the column with, I often think: What did I see or experience in the last few days that interested me the most?
“Ooooh! This town is called Pleasant Unity! Let’s lead with that!”
“Holy shit! Tom Dimitroff watches Hardball! WE HAVE OUR LEAD!”
“Did you see that a Starbucks opened in Detroit? Feel good story of the year, SORT OF!”
Sometimes it’s obvious, sometimes not.
Few people notice just how impactful something like me attending a shitty U2 concert can be.
This week, I thought of my conversation with Mike McCarthy on a bench next to the Packers’ practice field Tuesday night in Green Bay. It was around 9:45. The players were gone, the fans were gone, and now it was just me and McCarthy…
And that was when I made my signature move, which is to say to the guy, “You have to smell this Finger Lakes Blend. Astounding.” And when they lean in, that’s when I slip them the tongue. Good tongue. LOFTY tongue.
Maybe it’s not a big deal that the Packers didn’t have a big ceremony to raise the banner or a ceremony when the fourth Lombardi Trophy was put in a case outside the locker room.
Oh, God. BARF. Maybe it’s not such a big deal that the Packers are so super awesome and humble, but maybe IF AMERICA WAS MORE LIKE THE PACKERS THAN MAYBE AMERICA WOULDN’T HAVE GUN VIOLENCE AND WE’D ALL RIDE BIKES TO WORK. Maybe. Perhaps. Don’t discount the idea!
We’re in a me-first era. In most places maybe, but not in Green Bay.
And in Green Bay, no one has abortions! And everyone mows each other’s lawn! And women are only raped if they talk back! It’s the land that time forgot, HAPPILY.
There’s such a head-scratching lack of look-at-me in this organization.
“Quick! Someone call Peter King. I need the world to come look at us not drawing attention to ourselves.”
McCarthy, who learned the Pittsburgh way…
Why, he’s 57% Pittsburghish!
I thought back to the time I sat with Thompson in the middle of the Favre mayhem. Same voice. I thought back to Super Bowl Sunday night in Dallas, when he could have crowed but didn’t. Same voice. And now. Same voice.
WEIRD STORY: I talked to Ted Thompson, and success failed to alter his vocal chords in any way. Odd.
There’s a touchback controversy… The Bears teed up their first two kicks of the night at the 30, which was last year’s line, thinking perhaps that the new standard wasn’t a rule but merely a gentle suggestion.
And if anyone knows how to protest a rule by hurting his own team, it’s Lovie Smith. Lovie isn’t too wild about the two-point conversion either, which is why his team will take a knee whenever attempting one. TAKE THAT, NFL RUFFIANS!
There is a way for teams to not kick the ball into the end zone if they choose.
“What’s that? Forgo a touchback and voluntarily subject the team to a return? COUNT ME IN!” -No one except Lovie Smith
Best performance by quarterbacks, rookie division (tie): Ryan Mallett, Cam Newton. It wasn’t the numbers so much as the confidence each showed. Newton (8-19, 134 yards, no touchdowns or picks) was supposed to struggle in offensive coordinator Rob Chudzinski’s tough playbook, but he looked confident and threw the ball like he’d been there before in the Panthers’ win over the Giants.
It wasn’t that he only completed 42% of his passes, it was how confident he was in completing 42% of his passes. THAT WAS A LEGIT 42%.
This can’t be encouraging for the emotionally ravaged Bills fan, watching his team trade (Lee Evans) for a 2012 fourth-round draft pick. “They’ll be about half of them like it and half that won’t. That’s the way most of all the decisions are,” Buffalo GM Buddy Nix said of the Bills fan base.
Nix said this while chewing on a piece of straw and watching two cows fuck in his back yard. “Yep. Yep… Reckon there’ll be some who like it and some who don’t. Yep. Reckon we might lose some games, might win some… That’s the cowpie you get dealt, lemme tell ye.”
(Jay) Cutler, on the practice field, is as commanding a presence as he’s ever been.
“You, Knox. Like, run a post or something. I dunno. Whatever. Don’t make eye contact with me.”
Hope to see a bit of the Thursday night preseason game against New England somewhere on TV, so I’ll have a good handle on how the Bucs are playing by the time I arrive — particularly with so many good young players on defense.
It’s true. What better way to know EVERYTHING about a team than by maybe possibly kinda watching a little bit of one preseason game? I think I’ll have this team solved if I watch one series in the third quarter, don’t you think?
“He said, ‘Mayor Bloomberg just went on TV, said you should be, you know, punished to the full extent of the law.’ And you know what I said after that? I said, ‘Who is Mayor Bloomberg?’ ”
— Plaxico Burress, in an interview with Bryan Gumbel of HBO Real Sports, airing Tuesday night. Burress was referring to a conversation he had with defense attorney Benjamin Braffman after the shooting incident in a Manhattan nightclub.
It’s Michael Bloomberg, Plax. The mayor of New York City.
And there you have a perfect example of why this column is so important. Without MMQB, Peter wouldn’t be able to correct stupid athletes who will probably never actually read Peter’s correction.
Factoid of the Week That May Interest Only Me
Passcode for the wireless network at Bears training camp in Bourbonnais, Ill.: Sweetness34
Yep, that’s Peter compromising the entire wireless network of a major North American sports franchise. So cute! By the way, the passcode for Peter’s NetGear router is FallFoliageville2011.
Minnesota defensive tackle Remi Ayodele has added the face of another starlet to the growing tattoo collection of yesterday’s starlets on his body. Before this year he had Marilyn Monroe, Dorothy Dandridge, Audrey Hepburn, Bettie Page, Lucille Ball (?!), Jayne Mansfield and, as a nod to a crush of today, the late R&B singer Aaliyah.
Because there’s no hotter crush of today than someone who died ten years ago.
It’d be tough for me to be a student at Olivet Nazarene University, a religious school 70 miles south of Chicago and summer home of the Bears. No swearing, drinking, smoking on campus. Or dancing.
No saying “dillweed“? No beer with lemon in it? YOU TALK ABOUT SLOW TORUTRE FOR PETE! Well, at least they have coffee to dr... OMG THEY USE CITGO COFFEE NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
As I tweeted the other morning around 4, I’d like to personally thank the deer straddling the white line between the passing lane and berm on I-90 near Wisconsin Dells. It was my turn to drive while my USO and ProFootballFocus.com passengers slept, and, in the middle of a 490-mile drive from Bears camp to the Vikings, that split-second shocker was as good as a triple espresso for staying awake.
“God, that deer almost killed us all! Thank God we’re alive! I’ll never again become listless and distracted on the road. In fact, let me tweet that to people right now while I hold the steering wheel with my teeth.”
One of my favorite spots on the camp tour has become Jake’s Stadium Pizza… You can eat a lot of it — I think because it’s made with lowfat mozzarella from a farm in Grantsburg, Wis.
And that means that it has NO calories! At all! Eat 70 of them if you like? What’s that? You’re having a Rolo McFlurry? YOUR AMERICAN GLUTTONY REPULSES ME.
I think this is my Twitter advice of the week…
…to all good beat men and women around the NFL.
Stop what you’re doing, Albert Breer! The guy who barely works wants to tell you how to do your job!
And I give this advice humbly…
FROM MY STUDIO AT 30 ROCKEFELLER CENTER WHERE I WORK FOR NBC AND SIT WITH TONY DUNGY. OF THE COLTS.
…with the clear understanding that covering a team is hard, and you want to get an edge on the competition. I’ve done it, and I have been quite competitive at it…
“Oh, so Bob Glauber gave Parcells a handjob, did he? Well, STEP ASIDE, BOBBY. Peter’s goin’ mouth.”
…and the world has changed now, and when you’re up against people who are aggressive, you have to compete. But tweeting play-by-play of practice is not good. Unless it deals with a player getting hurt or some guy making a spectacular play or something wowzy like Nnamdi Asomugha intercepting Vince Young in the first 15 minutes of them practicing against each other with the Eagles.
Wow! A really good player intercepted a really shitty one! TWEETWORTHY.
Reading that John Doe just beat Joe Blow in one-on-one O-line vs. D-line drills is tedious … particularly when you do it 25 times in a practice.
So true. Let’s see what kind of crucial, hardcore football nuggets Peter has been slinging around lately on his feed.
The Wakefield feel-good story doesn’t feel so good anymore.
RT @jem77pmc: @SI_PeterKing do you consider Ben Roethlisberger elite? … Absolutely.
RT @jacklamabe65: Who is the NFL version of Dustin Pedroia? … London Fletcher.
RT @LeslieSColeman: The Montclair Pedroias? Best team name ever! … If only they played as well as their namesake.
So LISTEN to Peter, you aspiring Peter Kings. You don’t get to where Peter is by communicating potentially relevant observations. You get there by MAYBE catching five minutes of Bucs-Pats this week. POSSIBLY.
Say, why don’t you fill in for a few paragraphs, Neil Hornsby of ProFootballFocus.com? Only sucker beat writers don’t have temps fill in for some of the column.
“As someone who sees these guys play in massive detail from afar it was a little uncomfortable at times to meet them close up. I constantly remind all the analysts to treat the players as numbers when we grade them as it helps to take any emotion out of the work. But here I was chatting with Vikings tight end Visanthe Shiancoe, a guy we thought blocked very poorly last year, and I found myself, when face to face with him, really, really liking him. He’s an enormously charming guy with a huge smile, and as he started having a little fun at Peter’s expense, I couldn’t help feeling I’d love him to block better in 2011.”
Me too, Neil. Me too times a lot! And now I’d really like to know what Shiancoe taunted Peter about. I assume he just took out his cock and said, “Break off a piece of THIS Kit Kat bar, bitch,”
This is not a simple surgery, although by all indications (Steve) Smith’s procedure was not as serious as some. He is feeling good, from what he says, and will be able to run without restriction sometime soon. But how long will the freedom of movement last? He might be back to his old self, he might not. We’ll see.
Will Steve Smith be back to peak form? MAYBE? Will he never be the same? ALSO MAYBE. What if Steve Smith is actually an alien cyborg sent to steal all our hair? MAYBE PLUS TWO.
I think I almost buy that Chad Ochocinco or Albert Haynesworth might not make the Patriots, a possibility longtime football writer Dan Pompei wrote Sunday on National Football Post.
Peter one week ago: “Boy, Ocho sure sucked in practice, but I’m sure that’s the LAST you’ll see of him playing that badly!”
This week: “Yeah, they might cut him.”
…unless they’re either hurt (Haynesworth has presumably been hurt because he hasn’t practiced for over a week) or troublemakers (hard to believe in either case because each knows he’s at the Last Chance Saloon), I think it’s likely they make it.
Yes. Hard to believe that Al Haynesworth or Chad Ochocinco would ever act in an irrational and distracting manner. Can’t see it happening folks! Unless it happens.
I think no matter what Jim Harbaugh says — and I am sure he’s serious when he says there’s an open competition at quarterback between Alex Smith and Colin Kaepernick — that Smith’s going to win the job. He’s so much more of a sure thing right now, and he’d be devastated to not win the job.
So true. When you think “sure thing,” you think Alex Smith. And don’t you see how sad it would make him if he didn’t win the job? Shouldn’t feelings matter when choosing a QB, dammit?
Why no U2 channel, Sirius/XM? Are you sure you have more Buffett fans than Bono?
What do you mean, I have to listen to U2 on my iPad if I want to hear U2 any time I like? Is there no justice in this world? AMERICA DEMANDS ELEVATION.
Save for last night, I’m caught up on Curb Your Enthusiasm.
Couldn’t you just feel Susie’s Pinkberry rage rising? The angrier she gets, the better it is for the show. By the way, have I said “More Funkhauser” lately? More Funkhauser.
What the fuck is this fixation with Funkhauser? You want more Bob Einstein? Rent “Super Dave.” It’s not fucking “Curb Your Funkhauser.”
Guilty pleasure upcoming: watching the Little League World Series.
By the way, have I said more pointless baseball shit? More pointless baseball shit.
As much as I hate the pressure these 11- and 12-year-old kids are under, I love watching them play baseball.
As much as I hate the conditions those Malaysian kids work under, I do love the feel of this new Red Sox sweatshirt.
They want a championship so bad. So great to see.
It’s not like watching pro sports, where no one wants to win. Arnauld Chatainier told me so.
Tremendous job on the Dustin Pedroia story in this week’s SI by Tom Verducci.
Way to go, Tom! But needs more Yogi nuggets.
A great sentence: “If you think of the Red Sox clubhouse as a cattle farm, Pedroia would be the little herding dog, a Corgi…”
/hears Ufford orgasm from miles away
Just a gut feeling, but unless the Red Sox are scoring seven runs a game, they won’t beat Texas in the playoffs, and I can’t imagine them beating Philly in the World Series.
Good. Fuck them. I hate them and I hope they all die of bot fly infestation.
Good to see you, Matt Rubel. And a lovely family you have there.
Great seeing you, Matt! Good to know your wireless passcode is FunkyHonky82!
j. Ian Kennedy, 15-3. There’s one the Yankees would like to have back.
A reader would like to point out that New York got Curtis Granderson in that trade.
And congrats, Liz Whiteley! We are so pleased for your engagement!
But not so pleased that we couldn’t send an actual congratulatory card instead of shoehorning it into a national column where it doesn’t belong! Make sure your mom puts out a nice spread for me at the engagement, okay? And no shitty coffee.
There was a heavy-metal death the other day — Jani Lane, the lead singer of Warrant, which had the hit “Cherry Pie.” He was 47. What interested me about his New York Times obit was the fact that his parents, whose last name was Oswald, gave him the first and middle names “John” and “Kennedy.” So his name growing up was John Fitzgerald Oswald. I bet he is the only person in history with the first and middle names of the president and the last name of the man who assassinated him. Unless someone 140 years ago named a son Abraham Lincoln Booth.
WEIRD FACT: Warrant was Hitler’s favorite band.
I’m pretty dangerous when you give me an hour to read the New York Times. No telling what I’ll find.
I think what you’ll find is random bullshit to fill column space. OH NO. ANOTHER GUN-RELATED DEATH. HEAVENS TO PETE.
Coffeenerdness: For mass produced coffee, Delta, yours is not bad. Ten percent bolder and I might rave about it.
But it better be TEN percent if you want the King Bump. Don’t come at me with just an eight percent improvement. And NO skim crap.
Beernerdness: With my pizza in Mankato the other day, I tried one of St. Paul’s finest, Summit Pale Ale. Excellent. Good bite to it, with a strong flavor that was surprisingly light…
and a hint of citrus.
BOOM! Gotta have that citrus. Citrus is the nutmeg of malt and barley beverages. Hey citrus hey liquor I love it when you touch each other…
By the way, a few of you have asked if I’ve tried Leinenkugel’s Summer Shandy.
“Hey, Peter! You like gay beers. Did you try this gay beer?”
I have. I love a lemon in some of my beers, but I’m not a big fan of alcoholic lemonade, which is what this Shandy thing tastes like.
This beer is just lemon-flavored water! IT’S NO BUD LIGHT LIME.
People who live in Wisconsin and Minnesota must have a mandatory high school class in Pleasantness.
First Grade in Pleasantology 101! They lead the league in smiles!
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news and humor before everyone else.