Pop culture is awash in anthropomorphism. Animals talk. Inanimate objects talk (BRAVE LITTLE TOASTER 4EVA!). Ghosts talk. God talks. Even parts of the human body that aren’t supposed to talk, talk. If you lived on TV, you’d never be lonely because anything you could think of would constantly be talking to you. Which is why living on TV is probably fairly unpleasant.

But it would be nice if you could converse with something other than a person, because people are depressing at best and super depressing at worst. And talking to technology is no fun either. I make myself hoarse yelling at the bitch who lives inside my GPS.

So it would be nice to give an animal species the ability to talk. Not in the parrot sense, where they can only mimic the sound of a few words, but full-blown speech. At first I thought to make it an individual animal, but then somebody would just hog Harvey The Vocalizing Ibex all to himself. Let’s make it an entire animal species. Humans would be endlessly fascinated by any animal capable of speech, for no better reason than animals revel in the base instincts that humans try so hard to suppress or sublimate into sports passion. There might be sweeping ramifications. If nothing else, it would at least make for some good one-liners.

Your picks in the comments. I’ll get you started with honey badgers, who obviously have the dry, cool wit needed to be an action hero.