Gahhhhh crap, fantasy football drafts are happening RIGHT NOW, and I am CRAZY UNPREPARED. When did this happen? It totally snuck up on me. I got back from vacation the other night and spent three hours reading up on training camp reports, and I’m now barely up to speed. BARELY. I still can’t name the Dolphins rookie vying for carries with Reggie Bush, but I’ve got another week to iron that out. In the meantime, let’s not judge ol’ Caveman too harshly for his woeful incompetence at fantasy football advice.

Lucky for all of you, I don’t have to read up on new sex positions every August just to stay abreast of all the hottest trends in fornication. There’s a finite number of holes in the human body, and most of them have already been used for sex. It’s not too often we break new ground in this department, and for that I’m thankful.

Let’s get to your questions.

Mighty Masters of Mound Munching,
Football first. Two part question for ya. With Ryan Williams out for the season, is Beanie Wells a solid option for a flex guy? And if so, who should I trade between Jamaal Charles, Michael Turner, and LeSean? (3rd year of a 10 team dynasty league, played my cards right with Charles and McCoy [and Beanie too, I guess]).

Whoa whoa whoa. You have Jamaal Charles, LeSean McCoy, Michael Turner, and Beanie Wells… and the guy you’re looking to hold on to is BEANIE WELLS? Don’t get me wrong, I think Wells is a great flex option, but with your roster I’d look to shop him before your three stud RBs. Why not propose a few trades to RB-starved teams first? Savvy players will likely counter with demands for one of your better backs, but hey, there are plenty of retarded Ohio State homers itching to put more Buckeyes on their team. Can’t hurt to try.

Sex. One of my best friends from high school is getting married in one month at the ripe old age of 22. I’m going to the wedding and wasn’t planning on bringing a date. But just the other day, I ran into a girl from high school I haven’t seen in probably 3+ years. I had a thing for her back in the day, but it never really materialized. She’s still very very cute, and there’s definitely still some chemistry between us. We talked for about half and hour before the wedding came up. Apparently she was a reception-only invite. When she found out I didn’t have a date, she essentially asked herself for me, so I guess we’re going together.

Now I realize this doesn’t necessarily mean she wants to have sex with me, but she is kind of “free spirited” and really has next to no inhibitions when she drinks, so I’m thinking it’s a definite possibility.

Definitely maybe!

The problem is this: the word amongst my friends is that she picked up herpes in college. Maybe I’m just uneducated, but herpes scares the shit out of me. I’ve only had sex in long term relationships with fairly inexperienced girls, so I’ve never really had to acknowledge its existence before. So if she has the herp, I’ll be steering clear, because it makes your dick turn green and fall off, right?

But there is, of course, the legitimate chance that she doesn’t have anything and that someone started some nasty rumor about her, as part of some passive-aggressive bitchy cold war. Who knows. All I know is that i want to have sex with her, but she might be contaminated. I realize there’s a lot of pussy out there, but I really don’t want to pass on the chance to hook up with this girl unless I really have to. It’d just be really satisfying to get one of the ones that got away. So my question for you is…what’s my move? Is this something I ask her about? Or at least ask her friends about? Or should I just double wrap and go all in either way?
Sincerely, Mr. My-Penis-Is-Scared

If you ask her friends if she has herpes, that information will be funneled back to her IMMEDIATELY. It’s the #1 way to guarantee you won’t get laid.

Your question is filled with so many conditions and hypothetical situations (“This girl who’s kind of my date might want to sleep with me but maybe she has herpes although it’s possible that’s just a rumor…”) that I’d need to write thousands of words to cover every possible outcome, and I don’t have any desire to do that, especially since the mailbag has tackled various herpes-related questions in the past.

Just relax. Treat it like every situation in life: don’t expect to get laid, but bring a condom just in case.

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My Dearest Caveman -
FF – Not entirely a football question, but directly FF league question. One of the guys in my fantasy league wants to offer a trophy for the winner at an additional cost. I have no problem paying for a portion of the trophy for the winner, but the guy who is organizing the trophy money wants to do so in honor of a former league member who died earlier this year. I would also be okay with this if the person who died had not shot himself. I do not think suicide is something that should be honored. He asked everyone to vote, and I voted no. Now, he’s extremely pissed off and calling my boyfriend whining about how I knew the guy and should be willing to honor him. The thing that upsets me the most (more than him asking for a vote and then getting upset that I didn’t vote how he wanted and more than him calling my boyfriend instead of directly discussing this with me) is that he’s willing to pay my portion of the trophy to honor the guy who shot himself, but if he pays and I win I don’t get the trophy. How should I handle this situation?

Man, your commissioner is a total gash. I can see why his friends are killing themselves.

While I respect your reasoning for the dissenting vote, I can’t help but feel that you’re taking a hard stance on something that people have close emotional ties to. That kind of thing ALWAYS leads to hurt  feelings; emotion and reason don’t mingle well. The fact that you object to suicide doesn’t trump other people’s remembrance of their friend.

Not that you still can’t come out ahead in this scenario. My recommendation: long-term, carefully planned REVENGE. Rather than get into a pissing match with the commissioner (and dragging your boyfriend into an argument he wants NO part of), you should  explain your vote to the commissioner, apologize, and offer to chip in for the trophy. Then you can spend all season calling it “the Coward’s Cup” and making T-shirts that say “I shot myself in the face and all I got for it was eternal damnation and this fantasy football trophy named after me.” Hell, if you win the league, you can spend the offseason plastering the trophy with suicide prevention mini-plaques. “Don’t kill yourself unless the lockout affects the NFL season,” etc.

Another thing you and your league-mates can do is pretend to be grown-ups and enjoy a cash prize instead of having a trophy for pretend football. I love FF, but let’s not kid ourselves: it’s the sports fans’ version of Dungeons & Dragons. If you feel you MUST have a trophy, don’t spend money on it. Recycle one from somebody’s childhood, or make one out of papier-mâché and used condoms. It’ll be just as meanignful, and just as worthy of display in your home.

Sex – My cervix is in a weird position and it’s difficult for me to have sex missionary style or sideways. I’m in a long term relationship and it seems that the traditional thing that had always worked for us – me on top until I have an orgasm/him hitting me from behind until he has an orgasm – isn’t really working any more. It’s not that we don’t want to have sex, and we pride ourselves that after being together for 2+ years we still have a very active sex life (3-5 times a week), but it seems that doing the same thing for so long is becoming tiresome and we usually just end up masturbating rather than having sex. Any suggestions for new positions so we don’t have to succumb to pleasing ourselves?

The Indians were all over two millennia ago. If you’re old-fashioned, you can buy the book on Amazon for the low low price of $5.32. Cheapskates and people who want answers now may favor Cosmo’s expansive list of articles about sex positions, while horny dudes just want to see some lesbians demonstrate the best Kama Sutra positions.

Am I right, broheim? Up top! (Plenty more of that at FHM, by the way.)

And, in lieu of the tiresome positions, he’s becoming more interested in having anal sex (no cervix to worry about there),

I should hope not.

and I wouldn’t mind if we could figure out a way where it didn’t hurt so much. We’ve tried lubes, finger warm ups, etc…but it’s still just too painful. Any advice for a newbie to the anal game?
Anti-Suicide, Pro-Sex

I’m not a pro at anal sex myself, and I’d hate to sound off on this subject when we have so many experienced sodomites in the comments section, but I think you could benefit from a small/mid-size vibrator. If you think about it, there’s a pretty critical leap in the diameter of a finger versus that of a penis (ideally, at least), and your tight little sphincter could probably use some practice with something larger than a finger but smaller than a dick.

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Hey CC, hope you had a good vacation.

You know, I really did. Thank you for your thoughtfulness, UNLIKE EVERYONE ELSE.

Fantasy: I have the number three pick this year and (as I’m sure others are) am worried regarding the CJ2K contract situation. Would you take the chance on Johnson given his holdout and the offense he plays with, or bypass the headache altogether and just go with Ray Rice (hopefully one of the mooks ahead of me goes through with his promise to take Vick #2 and I can reap the rewards).

It’s a justifiable concern. Common sense would dictate that both Chris Johnson and the Titans would benefit from him playing, but you never want to spend your #1 draft pick on some guy who ends up going all Vincent Jackson on you. If Cop Speed hasn’t signed a new deal by the time of your draft, and assuming the first two picks of the draft are Arian Foster and AP, then yeah, I’d probably take Ray Rice or Jamaal Charles. That pick’s too valuable to spend it on a question mark.

Sex: Well this question is about marriage, so technically it’s the end of my sex life (hey-o). What’s the rule for engagement rings? I’ve heard 3-6 months salary, but granted those are all women answering. Do I trust one good friend of hers to bring with me to help me pick one out? Thanks for your help.
-LTF

Do women pay for engagement rings? No? Then why THE FUCK are you asking them how much to spend? Talk to people with boots-on-the-ground experience: men who’ve bought engagement rings.

Sorry if I’m a little touchy about that subject, but the “3-6 months’ salary” estimate from your female friends makes them sound like entitled cunts. The “industry standard” — if you can call it that — is two months’ salary, thanks to a worldwide campaign by DeBeers, which upped it from one month’s salary sometime in the 1990s. And you can trust DeBeers, the company that re-shaped women’s expectations (and men’s bank accounts) in approximately the span of a generation thanks to millions of dollars in advertising and restricting supplies to keep prices high.

But I’m not going to launch into some boring rant against blood diamonds and capitalism and all that. It is what it is, and we can’t change the fact that most women want a shiny bauble to show off to their friends when they become affianced. Get an idea of what your girlfriend wants/likes by talking to her friends (or directly to her), and then buy the nicest ring you can afford. It’s important to make her happy, but it’s even more important to be able to buy a house later on down the line.

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Dear KSK,
Sex: What’s the best way to find out if a bartender is single without being a creeper? If she is, what are the chances the “want to grab a drink after you’re off?” line will work? I understand that hitting on bartenders, especially at a place you frequent, is frowned upon, but so is masturbating on an airplane. Thanks a lot, bin Laden.

Pfffft, says you. I’ve definitely had some skyjackings post-9/11. You just gotta be quick about things.

I really, really, really hate to address the bartender question again, but the basics merit occasional repeating: (1) She is paid to serve you drinks in a friendly fashion. (2) Typically, the sexier and flirtier she is with male patrons, the more she gets paid. (3) If she’s actually taken notice of you as a potential sexual partner, she has also seen all of your behavior at said bar, from general drunken idiocy to whichever women you might have made out with. (4) The best way to win her over is by stopping in for a drink during slow hours, conversing with her, and leaving before you’re tipsy. Repeat this two or three times (not all in the same week). If she remembers your name on that second or third visit, that’s as good of a green light as you’re likely to get. (5) If she turns you down, all of your future visits to that bar will be imbued with awkwardness. (6) If all of this sounds like too much time and effort, that’s because it is.

Football: With the fourth pick in a twelve-team league I’m probably going to take Jamaal Charles then have a number of good choices when my next two picks come around. Marmalard, who by all accounts is going to be a stud this year, will probably be available in the second or third. On the other hand, I have a good feeling about Orton this year. What say you on stocking up on a solid WR and RB instead of taking a QB early then swooping up Orton in like the sixth or seventh?
-Huge Fan of This Bar’s Hiring Standards

It’s a riskier approach than I would attempt in a draft, but there’s obvious upside if you’re right (and, importantly, IF you get Orton). However, for perspective, while I was on vacation, I autodrafted in a team in a 16-team league (16!), and I somehow came away with this lineup (minus bench/K/DST):

QB: Sam Bradford
RB: Cedric Benson
RB: LeGarrette Blount
WR: Roddy White
WR: Andre Johnson
TE: Antonio Gates

Obviously, I’m not bragging because the computer did the work, but I was astounded that I could get two top-tier WRs, two decent starting running backs, the game’s best tight end, and an okay young QB in such a large league. It reminded me that while it certainly helps to have a top-tier quarterback on your team, the best route in the draft is to strike a balance between your needs and the best talent available.

So, see how the draft goes: if there’s a run on wideouts and you don’t like the best WR available at #21, pick Rivers. Plan B: hope Rivers is around in round 3, or settle for someone like Matt Schaub. Plan C: Orton. Kyle Orton is EVERYONE’S Plan C.

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O Captain, My Captain:

Fantasy football first. I have the third overall pick in my PPR league, and I’m almost 99% sure that Arian Foster and Adrian Peterson are going 1-2 in some order. In standard scoring, I’d take Jamaal Charles next without a second’s hesitation, but I noticed that LeSean McCoy had 78 grabs last year on the Eagles. Would it be a reach to grab him with the third pick, knowing that Andy Reid’s red zone offense is a goddamn shot in the dark?

I would say it’s a slight reach. Charles is no slouch out of the backfield, either: he caught 45 passes with 10.4 YPC in 2010. If you need more of a head-t0-head comparison, I had both Charles and McCoy in a PPR league last year. Charles was the third-highest-scoring RB in the league (behind Foster and Hillis), while McCoy was 4th, just barely ahead of Adrian Peterson. I’d give Charles the edge because he’s the more talented player and won’t have Thomas Jones won’t be siphoning away his goal-line carries this year.

Finally, sex-ish. I’ll get right to the chase: I knocked up my girlfriend, and we agreed that she should terminate the pregnancy (both in college and want to have careers and financial stability before we pump out kids). She prompted it first, and since we caught the pregnancy early on, she can get rid of the thing with pills, and everything seems to be settled on that front. However, she seems to be taking it all very, very smoothly, to the point of cracking jokes about me being a ‘daddy’ and whatnot. I assume she’s trying to lighten the mood, but I worry that she’s not taking the whole thing very seriously. I’ve heard that abortion is very hard on the mother, and I’m worried that she’s not mentally prepared for this choice. So, I guess my question is, am I freaking out over nothing? In this enlightened day and age, are women just super cool about terminated pregnancies and I’m just being a stick in the mud?

For the record, I’m pro-choice and all that other good stuff, but it’s still difficult to stare in the face. I’m just not getting how she can do it.
-DelicateFlower

As usual, I’m not an expert on the inner workings of female plumbing (too many hidden parts), but as I understand it, the pills your lady’s gonna take will kick-start her period, and the very tiny fetus will pass from her body before she gets attached to the idea of being a mother and having a baby inside of her. It’s not a fraction as traumatic as a clinical abortion procedure or a D&C.

My take? Be glad that she isn’t super-Catholic and intent on having the kid and ending your life as you know it. Lighten up, Nancy.