I was thinking about the internet today, you guys.

What an amazing collection of knowledge we have in front of us. Volumes and volumes of anything any person would ever want to learn in his or her lifetime. And what do we do? We search for our own names in search engines. We find our own locations on those GPS machines. And we stalk our friends on Facebook, especially the hot sexy people that are friends with our wives. Don’t act like you don’t do that either. The Great Masturbator In The Sky will know if you’re being truthful. Because he jacks it to your lies.

Anyway, let’s get to the mailbag. Caveman’s on vacation, which is kinda funny when you think about a caveman trying to get away from it all:

Good Sir Ufford,

Excuse me, but this is Footsteps Falco here. Please address me accordingly.

FF: First time playing, started a league. What would you consider a good draft order? I’m thinking:

1st Round: Top-tier QB
2nd: Top-tier WR or RB
3rd: Possibly a backup QB if a good one’s still on the board

And then I’m lost.

No sir. You were already lost when you were drafting a quarterback in the first round. Are you too good for a Jamaal Charles or a Ray Rice? A LeSean McCoy even? Are you too good to refer to these gentlemen with indefinite articles despite their being the only persons of their ilk? Your skills, good sir, would be better suited for the front office of the Miami Dolphins, who can’t ever seem to acquire a quarterback worth his salt. Feel free to inform them of your availability, and also feel free to list Gerald Dean “Footsteps” Falco as a reference on your resumé.

Sex: I’m college bound, my girlfriend is a junior in high school.

Is she 18? Better question: Would a judge believe me if I said she looked 18?

My college isn’t too terribly far, about a 2 hour drive, but I didn’t plan on a lot of trips home. While I’d love to get the full college experience of a different co-ed every night,

Ho ho! You and every other red-blooded male, my friend! Please…continue.

I’ve always been more of a girlfriend guy than one to hit it and quit it. She’s easily one of the coolest girls I’ve known, and she’d most likely be going to a nearby college in 2 years. What say you: keep the Middling Distance Relationship or start over new?
-MDR

I am reminded of the old Chinese proverb: He who drives for pussy wastes at least 3 of his nine lives. I think I read that in a fortune cookie someplace. Hey, have you ever noticed that some of the “fortunes” in those fortune cookies aren’t actual fortunes? Like if I crack open one of those suckers and it says “You are a wise and gentile soul” or some shit? That’s not a prognostication! That’s downright brown-nosing! What’s the dealio with that?

**********

Dear Caveman,

Dearest Falco, you mean.

Sex: I know you like brevity, so I’ll break it down quickly: I think this girl is spectacular.

Stick with her.

Glad we could help. Next!

I could go on, but it would end up resembling Louie’s confession to Pamela too much.

Oh, when you said “I could go on,” I didn’t realize that you were actually going to…uh…go on. And I don’t watch that Louie show. My wife finagled the parental controls for FX and she won’t give me the PIN for it. Damn V-Chips.

Naturally, she’s also in a secure, long-term relationship with a British dude who I have come to hate without meeting him.

Hey, I’m with you, buddy! Nobody hates the Brits more than I do! Except for maybe Paul Revere. I heard he once sodomized a gal from Sussex in 1781. I believe the battle cry was “One if by ass, two if by cooter.”

She’s a friend-of-a-friend, we hung out pretty frequently last summer and by the end confessed mutual interest, but nothing happened, she was only in town for a few months, and I haven’t seen her since. This fall, she’ll be moving back to my city, without the boyfriend.

/lights first lantern

I’ll completely understand if you want to take the moral fifth on this, and tell me to stop being an asshole or stop deluding myself.

Stop being an asshole! Stop…wait, what was the rest?

No question, that is the sensible answer that you ought to give and I am realistic about the likely results here. But I think at least the kommentariat will have enough evil bastards to produce a couple dastardly schemes to break up this relationship. Honestly it’s almost like a Kommenter Draft: “ways to wreck a home.” I’ll take anything from “go dancing and grind her” to “have the boyfriend killed.” Actually, let me revise: THE SKY IS THE LIMIT, SO LONG AS THAT LIMIT DOES NOT CARRY FELONY CHARGES.

You’ve obviously never raped a 14-year-old girl in a hot air balloon before.

Look here, friendo. If you think you stand a chance at being the Transcontinental Lolita, you have to take a few things into account. One: homewrecking is not enumerated in the Geneva Convention. And if I read your email correctly, these two aren’t even married! That’s gives Captain Peepee free reign in my book! And Two, if you can demonstrate more value to her in person than Nigel can via Skype, then you should give her a declaration of independence with your (John Han)cock.

America!

Football: My league has an auction draft.

America again!

I know this is a niche (though hopefully a growing one), I was wondering what your thoughts were about nominating players for auction. One school of thought is to put up players you want, so you can find out quickly what you’re going to have on your team (and snag favorites) and thus maximize flexibility as the auction wears on. Another is to nominate players you DON’T want, so that everyone else wastes their money on them and you (hopefully) reap the rewards. Do you have any thoughts on that particular piece of strategy?
-PB

I have some thoughts on this! Remember when you went to the homecoming dance in high school? Now think of yourself as a Taiwanese crime lord and auctioning off those women to be shipped out as sex slaves across the globe. Hey, it could happen! But would you want the best girls from your dance to get stuck in the back of that 45-foot shipping container, subject to starvation or potentially being crushed? Golly, no! You’d save the prettiest gals of the gala for the very end, and that’s a great rule of thumb for fantasy football too. Wait for everyone else to spend their money, be they fellow owners or the captains of the Yakuza.

Bon chance, buddy!

***********

Dear KSK,
Fantasy: Everyone should buy their FFL commissioner a beer for taking the time to make the league work. Specifically organizing everyone the draft/auction. I get exhausted just answering yes/no to predetermined auction dates. Organizing a fantasy football draft is probably way harder than any task I’ve ever done at my job.

You should be grateful for even having a job right now. Ah, I’m just pulling your leg! Jobs suck!

Sex: I live in an old area where the buildings are all as big as the lots, this puts my windows close to my neighbors. My girlfriend happens to be friends with the girl that lives next door to me and apparently she can hear her while we’re going at it (regardless of the window being open or closed).

Kinky!

Last week she sent a text to my GF saying please keep it down, I’m tired of hearing your shrill moans. This really pissed her off and they traded a few text messages. It ended with her saying stop being such a bitch and we moved on.

Maybe she meant “Stop being such a banshee!” Damn autocorrect!

Last night and we turned on the TV loud like we normally do (I’ve got roommates — they’ve never said anything to me about her) and she mentioned she was going to work on being a little less loud (I like it and do not care what this neighbor thinks). We’re going at it, she starts singing a little and her phone rings twice and then gets a text notification (I notice it during sex, she doesn’t). About an hour later she checks her phone and sees this text message saying ‘SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH’ and pretty much immediately starts crying.

Hold the phone there, bub. Pun intended!

So instead of getting your ladygal to hush up, you turn up your television? And your roommates obviously aren’t going to admit to listening to you bumping uglies…at least I never did to my roommates! But enough about my parents. But why is your neighbor getting a free show? This sounds like a lawsuit for voyeurism to me, friendo!

It wasn’t a problem before, we both just laughed it off. Now it is. I have her crying in my arms after sex and she’s going to be self conscious to the point of probably not wanting to have sex at my place for at least a week. I’m pissed. What’s my play here?
-Anon

Most women cry in my bed after sex. Don’t worry. When you call her in three days, she’ll just tell you that she’s really busy with a lot of things and will get back to you when she can. Problem solved!

But really, no sex for a week? My heart bleeds for ya, Jack.

**********

Dear Sages of snatch,

Not a whole lot of fantasy advice needed, I’m the GM of a 12 team league with owners of varying levels of experience. Any suggestions on how to improve the quality of a draft party? I’m having a cookout at the house with plenty of booze and food, a few little gimmicks to determine draft order and other fun things, but I figure you’ve done this enough times to have a good idea or two.

The best and worst thing about draft parties is giving the other owners things to preoccupy themselves between picks, whether it’s a game of bocce out in the yard or torturing your homecoming dance slave in your basement.

The issue is that most of us gents can’t pay attention to anything for more than two hours, especially under the influence of alcohol. Give the fellas some opportunities to horse around between picks, but make sure they know when they’re on deck to get their selections in.

Sex, or rather relationships, or rather being a shallow bastard in the midst of a pretty good relationship. I’ve been dating a girl for roughly 5 months now (We’re both in our mid-20’s), after spending the last 5-6 years in various casual non-monogamous relationships. The girl I’m dating now is funny, intelligent, has an interesting career and hobbies, seems to be head over heels for me for some reason, and is generally fantastic to be around. This is the part where you likely type “but…”

Fuck you. Ha! Really changed it up there, didn’t I, friendo?

She is cute, but she is unhealthily overweight (20-30 pounds by BMI standards)

Whoa whoa whoa. BMI is a joke. An absolute joke. You know who else is obese by BMI standards? Michael Jordan and pretty much every other professional athlete that ever cashed a check since 1990. Fuck BMI. Fuck it in its poorly-groomed asshole.

and far less sexually experienced than I am (by a factor of more than 10:1).

So she hasn’t fuck halfed of Wichita like you have. I can see why this is such a bad thing for you.

The latter isn’t a huge deal, though it makes her somewhat hesitant to try new things.

“Baby, when I get really excited, I want you to stick a finger in my poorly-groomed asshole.”

The former is an issue though because I really want to see her as having serious long term potential. As someone who was in the same position growing up I’m sympathetic to how difficult it is to lose weight and because I care for her so much I don’t want to hurt her feelings.

Fat bitch, look at my life. I’m a lot like you wereeeeeeeeee….

She’s trying on her own to get in shape, and I’ve done my best to support her, going on a small diet myself and trying to get her to exercise with me, but she’s less and less committed to it every day. She’s not dumb, so she knows that my attempts to help aren’t entirely health related, but I don’t know how not to come off like a jerk. I’m just finding myself less attracted as time passes and I don’t know when it’s time to give up on a fantastic girl. I feel like a frank talk would only be really hurtful to her while accomplishing next to nothing, and I’m sure if I push it more outwardly she’s going to be rightfully resentful. So what to do? At what point is trying to change someone who loves you harder on them than just breaking it off?
-Shallow Hal

Wait, I just realized that lyric should have been “I was a lot like you are now.” Golly, I really screwed that up guys. My bad.

**********

Oh Captain, My Captain,

Oh Falco, Your Falco.

Football first. I have participated in the same league for the last couple of years.

So? You want a medal or something? This isn’t the Special Olympics, you know (by the way, if you actually are retarded or something, I apologize).

Good group of guys, $100 buy in, and pretty typical rules. But in the middle of last season, I got a job in the mountains (all the guys live in Denver), about 3 hours away. They’re doing a live draft on a Wednesday and are giving me a ton of shit for wanting to skype or call in for the draft, but of course, leaving work early on Wednesday to get to Denver for a fucking fantasy draft seems patently absurd to me.

I’m flying 1200 miles, round-trip, for a fantasy draft in 2 weeks. Sounds like you could use a 20-ounce bottle of man the fuck up. Buy some at your local gas station on your way to Denver.

Now, let’s make with the love. I had a very tumultuous, sometimes great sometimes awful relationship with a woman in Denver for a good long time.

“And then she wanted me to come into town to do stuff and I was all fuck that, bitch!

That’s over now, her wandering eye and my moving being a bad combination that couldn’t be overcome. But we were together for a solid four years, and during that time we really did share everything: an apartment, dog, record collection, and a really great friendship. It’s been difficult, sometimes with her wanting back in, sometimes me, but never at the same time.

If El Capitan were here now, he’d probably remind you that most people only remember the good things from their relationships, that we tend to gloss over or block out the bad, and that we’re often gravitating toward other people if only for the sake of acquiring stank on our planks.

Anyway, now I’m moved and starting over and have begun seeing a woman with whom I really connect.

“Planks” means “penises,” by the way.

The dates are awesome, we have great conversations, completely “get” one another. And the intimate times? Outta sight, my man!

Dad?

Problem is, I’m still hearing from the ex, and every time I do, the hurt feelings and memories come rushing back, causing me great consternation.

Eat lots of grapes. Those always get me back on track.

I still want to be friends with this woman, but if I heard she was seeing someone else, I’d be hurt, as I know she would be about me and this new woman. I have no interest in hurting her.

Additionally, we have a very close circle of friends, so the chances are good that I’ll be running into her while I’m home on weekends. If either of us is on a date when we run into each other, it could lead to drama and some really bad times.

So what do I need to do? Do I tell her about the new woman? Ask her not to call for a while? Avoid those friends when I return to Denver on weekends?

Thank you sir.
Jeff Georgeous

Golly, Jeff! It sounds like your old ladymate hasn’t quite had the chance to move on! It’s probably best to keep her nose out of your business, unless of course she lives right next door to your current girlfriend and sends over cock-blocking text messages in the midst of coitus. But really, if she’s upset with you and your new girl, she’s entitled to that, and you can’t plan around that.

You’ll just have to be extra-careful if you want to keep your new relationship in hiding, but the best approach might be to acknowledge that this is out of your control: you can’t control whether you’ll run into her, and you can’t control how she’ll feel when she sees you with your new girl. And goodness gracious, that just might be what she needs to see in order to move on.
**********

Dear Corporal Creeper,
Fantasy: I am in an auction keeper league with a $200 budget where your keepers cost last years draft price plus $10. I am keeping Freeman and Hillis for a total of $20, which leaves me with a starting QB with upside potential, a #2rb (at least), and $180 to spend on the rest of my team.

My question for you is this: I feel that, with my team as it is, I go for one of the top receivers (leaning towards Jennings who only went for $26 last year while Andre Johnson went for $57), and use the rest on…

A) Building a deeper team with less elite players. With the short preseason, I am expecting more injuries, and having a deep roster allows me to minimalize risk and gives me the freedom of playing matchups.

OR

B) Go after a top RB and two top receivers and have somewhere around $30 to fill 10 more spots.

Always always always wait for the end of auction drafts. The bargains are at the end of the draft, where other owners have expended their funds and their patience entirely too early. Option A is your better bet here, sir.

Sex (I think): I have not blacked out since college, which I have been removed from for 3yrs. That was until last weekend. I remember being with my buddy, meeting up with his girlfriend and her friends, and talking, with no interest, to one of his girlfriend’s friends. From that point until 6:30 am when I had a friend pick me and aforementioned girl up on a dt street corner in the pouring rain, I remember nothing.

The only details I have were told to my by witnesses to the evening. She took my phone and threw it on the street because I was trying to call my girlfriend ($600 down the drain), she tracked me down later in the night when I thought I had lost her, she blew me on school house steps (she told her friends this), and she stole my favorite hat. I can’t begin to tell you how crazy her texts were the next day, but my two friends who know her much better than I say she is certifiable and most likely drugged me (hence the blackout after 4 drinks).

We didn’t have sex (I asked her so that I would know whether to get tested or not) and I know nothing else. My question you ask? What do you think am I morally obligatted to tell my gf of 4+yrs?

Sincerely,
I forget

Tell her you lost your hat. She’ll understand.