[Editor's Note: The introduction to this year's "Love/Hate" is, as Matthew Berry's regular mongoloid readers have come to expect, a needless and horrifying digression into the personal life of what has to be America's loneliest citizen, the kind of guy who goes to nightclubs by himself five days a week. You will hear stories about Berry picking up chicks at the Holiday Inn Express lobby bar and you will have to WILL YOURSELF to not picture the kind of desperate person willing to go home with a self-satisfied oil slick who looks like Yellow Bastard from "Sin City". So if you would like to dispense with such ugliness and go right to a bunch of his worthless fantasy predictions - made worse because they're laced with horrible "90210" analogies and suffocating smugness - then go here. Or stick around. After all, we at ESPN assume that Berry represents our precise demographic - just a bunch of repellent armchair QBs who you'd never want to spend more than five minutes with. On with the show.]

You TMR readers know that I’ve been on my fair share of dates over the years. I’ve dated them all: Russian escorts, Bulgarian escorts, Thai escorts, Czech escorts. You date enough high class tail like that (I take ‘em out for sushi before we get to THE BUSINESS), you’re gonna learn a few things. For example, did you know lots of these chicks have KIDS? For real! TALK ABOUT A FUCKING PARTY FOUL! Here I am, about to “Berry” my cock in this Russian gal, and suddenly I see this big Caesarian scar. BRO! NOT COOL! I don’t want to think of some little slimy baby watersliding out of that cooch before I go vag-surfing! FALSE ADVERTISING, SVETLANA!

That exactly how I feel about Dwayne Bowe, you know? He looks good, and you know he’s been good for you to ride him all night long in the past, but then you remember Charlie Weis is gone and it’s like seeing a big C-section scar above his twat, you know what I mean? YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT I MEAN. I think we’ve all had to send a gal packing to ol’ Dumpstown because she got all teary-eyed when you told her that her vagina looked like a rotten head of lettuce because of all the wallet-drainers she pumped out. That’s Dwayne Bowe. Not feeling him, gang.

Now Mike Vick? Mike Vick is what I’m talking about. My friends and I play Fuck/Marry/Kill four hours every day, and it’s so hard because you don’t want to marry any of these girls because you know they’re all CRAZY, right? But Mike Vick? That’s a marryer. He’s gonna take care of you. He’s gonna take care of your team. He can run AND pass, like a gal who can cook AND clean. That’s a keeper. That’s a Mrs. Walsh, right there.

Now Josh Freeman? Oof, now I’d be careful there. Not saying I hate the guy. That’s a strong word. But it’s almost like a really hot girl who’s great for the first ten dates or so, and fucks like her hair is on fire, and then once you get into relationship mode you start noticing all her flaws. Like her pooping at your apartment. GROSS. Or maybe she gets all clingy and – cue the gong – starts throwing out the relationship questions. You guys know the ones I mean. There are certain phrases out there that every bro hates to hear, like:

-“I’m pregnant.”

-“You left the toilet seat up!” (Seriously, you ever notice girls do that? What the dilly?)

-“You just used $5,000 on my credit card to gamble at Bodog? You’re an asshole.”

Girls. SO FUCKING WEIRD, RIGHT? Loosen up that ‘gina, ladies, and enjoy LIFE! So you don’t want to hear any of those things. Those are the things that tell you it’s time to wind down this little courtship you got. That’s Josh Freeman. You fuck ‘em. Maybe you even get engaged. But I dunno about marriage.

Then you got someone like Brandon Marshall, and boy you know he’s trouble right from the get go. You hate him, but you kinda want to fuck him too, right? You wanna HATEFUCK him, because that’s probably how he likes it.

(SIDEBAR: A friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of mine who’s real big in the industry once took home an Oscar-winning starlet, and you would not BELIEVE what a freak this chick was. Spitting. Hitting. Choking. Branding with a curling iron. She wanted it all. I know famous people.)

But then, you get into it with her, and the sex is great but you know it’s gonna end badly, but suddenly you realize things have changed! That she isn’t so crazy anymore. Don’t think it can happen? Listen, lemme tell you about how I got with my current “ball and chain”. I meet this girl and she’s SMOKIN’ hot. Easily a 9.2. The problem? She’s got kids. GROSS. Head of lettuce time. And she’s got the crazy eyes. You know the crazy eyes. So everything about her is telling me to scram. But that’s just like Brandon Marshall. A CLASSIC BUY LOW SCENARIO. I date this chick for a few weeks, the sex is predictably AWESOME (adjusted rating: she’s a 9.6 with the carnality factored in), and we’re going great. I’m thinking that this can’t last, that I should trade her to my boy Johnny for spare parts before she turns sour. But then I meet her kids and you know what? THE LITTLE TITHANGERS AREN’T BAD. Good thing they were boys. Because little girls would NOT be my thing, with their little girl vaginas. So this girl is giving me PRODUCTION, and now I get to be the world’s coolest stepdad. All because I took a chance when no one else would. That’s the lesson of fantasy, and of being a lover. Till next time, I’m AUDI 5000.