With perhaps the exception of FX’s “The League,” fantasy football has absolutely nothing to do with Hollywood. Los Angeles doesn’t even have an NFL team until the Vikings move there. But because so many people play fantasy football, The Hollywood Reporter dedicated an issue to it. I say this only to point out that Turtle from “Entourage” is exactly the kind of person you’d expect him to be.

Jerry Ferrara, who plays Turtle on HBO’s hit show, says that when it comes to fantasy football, he’s a total “junkie.” Ferrara also tells THR that, in his books, “if you don’t do it, I lose 10% of my respect for you right off the bat.”

Ferrara goes so far to say that fantasy football is more important to him than NFL football. He’s one of THOSE.

Hey, I love fantasy football. I’m thrilled this season is happening. But I don’t automatically lose respect for a person if they have more worthwhile pursuits than trying to figure out if Ronnie Brown is going to affect LeSean McCoy’s carries this season. What a douche. Ronnie Brown, I mean. But also Turtle.

Let’s go to your questions:

El Capitan,
Fantasy first: I’ll keep it short and sweet. I work at Victoria’s Secret.

GO ON.

My male co-workers and I started a league last year. We lost half of our members at the beginning of the summer and several of the girls there want to join now. None of them have played before. Is there a way to keep it simple for the new girls, but still competitive for the veterans? Or should we just split it up into two separate leagues?

Let me get this straight. You’re telling me that there are women who sell lingerie AND play fantasy football? I could knock a hole in a wall with this boner.

Keep it to one league. It’ll make your workplace more fun and inclusive. As for keeping it simple but competitive, force the new girls to wear lingerie to the draft. Tell them it’s tradition or something. That won’t make them any better at fantasy football, but it WILL make it much easier to tolerate them drafting a kicker in the 8th round.

And now for the sex: I have a FWB. It is strictly sex, no relationship-type emotions at all, but still at least once a week. (I am a female btw.) We’ve been doing this successfully for a few years now. We take a break when we are seeing other people but it only tends to last a month or two. I am finishing school and working full-time so I don’t have much time to invest into a relationship right now. I figure just ride the shit out of this situation while I can. Beyond the sex, we are actual friends, drink together, pick each other up from the airport, wingman, move shit, vent, etc. He is someone I want to keep around in my life for a while.

You’re aware that this movie was already in theaters TWICE this year, yes?

I’ve mentioned the situation to a couple of the guys I’ve dated just to get an idea of how they would take it. It didn’t go over very well. They were either jealous or let me know I was a whore.

No shit, dummy. “Hey, you know my buddy John? If I weren’t dating you I’d be fucking him right now. Just thought you should know!”

When and how do I bring this up with someone I see a future with? I would just keep it a secret but I see it getting out way too easily with our circle of loudmouth friends, and I actually believe in honesty and disclosure in a healthy relationship.

-Another Austin Asshole

For the sake of argument, I’m going to assume that your letter is NOT the plot of a shitty rom-com and that you will NOT eventually come to the realization that this close male friend that you have sex with and rely on is the man you’ve loved ALL ALONG.

Honesty is absolutely vital to a relationship. Disclosure, however, is a slightly different animal.

HONESTY: “I’m glad we’re exclusive, because you’re the only person I want to be with.”

DISCLOSURE: “Now that we’re exclusive, here is a list detailing which of my friends have ejaculated in my mouth.”

In short, you can be honest with someone you’re dating without sowing jealousy or making them think you’re a whore.

DISCLOSURE: “You should know that John and I have a friends with benefits arrangement that’s been going on for a few years. Obviously, we’re on a break right now, but if this doesn’t work out you better believe I’m gonna get back on that cock.”

HONESTY: “Oh, John? Yeah, we kinda dated for a little while, but it never went anywhere. He’s better as a friend.”

You can further dampen any possible jealousy by following up that honesty by giving your theoretical boyfriend a big, reassuring kiss. And by letting him ejaculate in your mouth.

**********

Dear Potentate of Pussy,
I wrote in a couple months back; you encouraged me to end things with my girlfriend and in the interest of brevity, I did. Did the single thing, then found an amazing girl who I completely connected with and, suffice to say, I couldn’t be happier. Now, I know this is a fantasy football/sex mailbag, so my question combines the two reasons for any man’s existence.

My new girlfriend recently turned 21 and her father was planning a family party for her. Due to outside forces, the league that he and I are in together had to move the draft party to the same night. Her dad has decided to go to the draft party, and I’m on the fence right now. It’s a long-standing league and I was asked to join this year. Do I go to the draft and risk having to deal with an upset girlfriend, or do I go to her party and run the risk of having an auto-drafted squad? I’ve already thought about excusing myself from the birthday party for a while during the draft, but as the party is at her cottage (where there is no internet/cell service) this plan falls flat faster than Stewart Bradley (side note: I don’t like seeing players suffer from concussions, but this clip is hilarious).

What’s my play here?

Sincerely,
Damned if I Do, Damned if I Don’t

This feels like some grand compendium of impossible scenarios that someone would invent in order to stir a discussion. Like, you’re in a fantasy league with your girlfriend’s dad (???) AND he’s planning a birthday party for her AND it’s not just any birthday but her 21st birthday AND it’s the same night as your fantasy draft AND the dad has decided to skip the party he planned AND the party is inconveniently located where there’s no internet or cell service? What the shit? “Also, if I go to the party, my girlfriend will let me have a threesome, but if I attend the draft I get the first AND second overall pick.”

Hey, now THAT would be a good discussion. Threesome with your girlfriend, or the first two picks in the fantasy draft? I think I’d go with threesome, but ask me again the week before the season starts.

Go to the draft. Leave after the 7th round to go to your girlfriend’s party. Fifth round if she’s marriage material.

**********

Cap’n:
Sex: I don’t really have a question right now. We just had our first kid, so the sex life is still getting back on track towards normal, but I’ve got no complaints.

So instead, I’ll just go on the record to state that toe-sucking is a completely underrated form of foreplay. I was amazed at the number of girls that loved that shit when I was still playing the field (admittedly, it was 15 years ago). I know everyone always thinks “ewwwww”, but in my experience, it is a pretty tame way to see if a chick has a bit of an unorthodox side to her. The two best BJ’s I ever received were while I was sucking her toes. It became a kind of a Simon Says game that ended in an awesome orgasm.

Wait, how is it a Simon Says game? I’m more confounded by that than I am by the notion of you trying to sell people on toe-sucking for the last 15 years.

Also, because it’s my email and this is my actress crush (you can find your own Alison Brie photos):

I like how people get possessive about their celebrity crushes. “You can have Alison Brie, pal. I’m jackin’ off to Sarah Shahi.”

Fantasy: I’m in my first pre-season of a 16 team dynasty league (6pt/Pass TD, 1pt/reception). I did pretty well during the season last year but busted out in the first round of the playoffs. The core of my team consists of Foster (HOU), Rice (BAL), Hillis (CLE), Jennings (GB), and Colston (NO). You will notice that there is no QB listed, since Carson Palmer decided to take his ball and go home instead of posting up garbage time stats that boosted him to a serviceable starter. I’ve never had to deal with off-season trading before and it’s making me second guess all of my instincts for some weird reason.

1- Do you think I’d be better off to keep the RB stable I’ve got and use whatever rookie or plug-in I can find at QB, or should I try to work something out via trade. I should mention that most of the owners in this league are skittish to trade and it’s usually required to overpay a bit to get a deal done.

I don’t know. I would absolutely HATE getting the short end of a trade, but on the other hand, any league that has 6-point passing TDs is going to be won by someone with a top-flight quarterback.

2- Of those RBs, who do you think is most likely to have a major fall off from last year?

Conventional wisdom and the cover of Madden would indicate Hillis.

3- What QB’s would it make sense to trade straight-up for Foster?
-Toes Only Enhance Sexy-time

The best ones. Aaron Rodgers, Philip Rivers, Tom Brady.

**********

Hey-
Relationship stuff- Last weekend I was out and ran into a buddy’s girlfriend at a club. They’ve been together for almost 2 years, and my buddy is head over heels for her. They live about an hour apart, however. He had to work on Sunday, so went back to his town on Saturday night, while she stayed in the city and went out with a group of friends, none of whom I knew. After I bumped into her and we talked for a solid 10 minutes, I saw her hitting the dance floor, grinding on several dudes. Whatever, that’s just women being flirty and liking attention; and I don’t know his girlfriend that well, so for all I know it coulda been some gay friends or something.

Later on in the night however, I noticed she was all over one of the guys in the group, arms around his head, faces 2 inches apart, his hands rubbing her up and down, tho nowhere too inappropriate. They danced together, did shots together, she gave off all the “i wanna fuck you signs” (playing with her hair, giggling, touching his leg and arm, etc. She did this knowing full well I was there, and even stopped to say bye to me as she left with her friends (and the guy). As she was leaving, I told her “ok, ill tell (buddy’s name) i saw you!” She just drunkenly said “ok yeah!” as she stumbled out with her friends and the guy.

Now, I am a full believer that one should never get involved in someone else’s relationship, for pretty much any reason. I’ve hated it in the past when people have tried to do that to me. However, I do think that if I was in my buddy’s shoes, this is something I would probably want to know about. For that reason, I am considering telling him what I saw, letting him know that’s all I saw, nothing more, and allowing him deal with it as he deems appropriate. So, my question is, keep my mouth shut/ignorance is bliss, or do what I’d hope my friend would do to me and spill the beans on his flirty girlfriend?

Guhhhhhhhhh that one sucks. If you’d actually seen her making out with the dude, you could go to your friend with hard evidence. As it is, the only thing your story can do is plant the seeds of suspicion. Best-case scenario: your friend confronts his girlfriend, she confesses to infidelity, and they break up. Worst-case scenario: she DIDN’T cheat but your friend now thinks she did, leading him to distrust everything she says and does, eventually ruining their relationship.

The extra little wrinkle here is that your honesty could lead to problems in your friendship. True story, changed names: Jane and Marie are friends, and Jane often crashes at Marie’s place, which she shares with her boyfriend Eric. One night, Jane walks in on Eric fucking another girl. Eye witness to cheating. Jane tells Marie about it. Marie GETS MAD AT JANE and stays with Eric.

Two lessons from that: (1) As always, bitches be crazy. And (2), people value love more than friendship, often to their detriment and outside the scope of normal human reason.

Anyway, you seem to have a pretty solid understanding of the dangers and limits of what you saw, and I applaud your faithful friendship. It’s probably the right thing to tell your friend what you saw, but be prepared for unexpected consequences. And rest easy knowing that even if your buddy’s girlfriend didn’t cheat on him, most reasonable people would agree that she wasn’t acting appropriately for someone in a committed relationship.

The real reason I’m writing in: Why anyone would be in a FF league where QB TD’s are worth 4 points each? I know some think it overvalues the QB, but I don’t think that’s too big a deal seeing as how QB’s are (rightfully so) overvalued in real life. If 12 people were having an actual draft of QBs, RBs, and WRs in order to build the best team, there is no way in hell that the likes of Shonn Greene and Ryan Mathews would go ahead of Peyton Manning, as they did in several drafts last year; or if you want an example for this year, Frank Gore/Michael Turner over Tom Brady. It’s absolutely the most important position in football, why not make it so in fantasy? There are enough elite QBs with the way the league is now that you don’t just have 1 or 2 QBs that rack up points leading to 1-2 teams having an unfair advantage. 6pt passing TDs simply make more sense to me and keeps it consistent with all other TD point values. Just an observation.
Regards,
Clever Name

That’s actually the most convincing and cogent argument I’ve ever heard for 6-point passing TDs. But there’s one thing you’re ignoring about leagues with 4-point passing touchdowns: quarterback already IS the most valuable position in terms of points scored. Perhaps that wasn’t the case in years past, before quick passing attacks and running back by commission became commonplace, but it certainly is now. In my my league last year — 4-point passing TDs, 0.5 PPR, here are season point totals for some of the top players:

Arian Foster: 360
Michael Vick: 325
Aaron Rodgers: 324
Peyton Manning: 311
Philip Rivers: 305
Drew Brees: 298
Peyton Hillis: 267
Matt Schaub: 265
Eli Manning: 261
Jamaal Charles: 261
Roddy White: 259
Adrian Peterson: 258
LeSean McCoy: 257
Chris Johnson: 252
Brandon Lloyd: 247
Calvin Johnson: 227

Arian Foster’s monster season aside, quarterbacks already put up more points than any other position. Giving them 6-point passing TDs only imbalances their value MORE. With 4-point passing TDs, Eli Manning is already more valuable than Adrian Peterson and Chris Johnson. Why would you make Eli even MORE valuable? Are you some kind of terrorist?

So if QBs are so much more valuable, why do people draft running backs first? Supply and demand: you can start two running backs (three with a flex position), whereas there’s only one starting spot for a QB. The greater need for running backs increases their value at the draft. If you’re so hung up on who gets drafted when, join a league with an auction draft.

**********

Dear Wise Marine,

I met a really cool chick during a recent trip to the East coast. We had one very good night, and then I flew 3,000 miles back home to the West coast. Since then, it has been a lot of texts and emails, which are fun, but realistically, we aren’t going to see each other much going forward; maybe a long weekend here and there. And I know where you stand on long-distance deals. She and I have agreed to keep the relationship going so long as we are both having fun, but we also recognize that we can’t do a committed thing with the distance involved. While that makes good sense from a practical standpoint, I have a tough time with the image of her in bed with another guy. Naturally, I hypocritically have no problem imagining myself in bed with another woman.

Questions – Can I realistically keep up an emotionally and intellectually intense long-distance relationship in non-committed fashion when I’m the type of guy to get hung up on her having fun when I’m not around?

Of course not. You just said that weren’t.

Can I change myself and become cool with it? Or am I going to go crazy thinking about the other guy (or guys)? Which there will certainly be – she’s hot.

Oh yeah, she’s a stripper. Buried that one on you for dramatic effect.

And now it’s all clear. You banged a stripper and you feel cool. Next time you feel like writing in to the mailbag, just write, “I banged a stripper!” It’ll save me the trouble of reading your obvious question and editing out the unrelated paragraph about your divorce.

I can deal with the stuff at the club, but the stuff on personal time, which is much more “in-depth”, shall we say, kind of messes with me.

You mean like meeting guys and fucking them on the same night before they fly back to the West Coast the next day?

Oh, I’m sorry. Were you under the impression that you had something special with her?

Questions – Am I insane to think that I can handle a non-committed relationship with a stripper? Can anyone?
Thanks in advance for the advice, CC.

Tell you what. You tell me where this girl works and what name she uses. I’ll go to the club, chat her up, drop a paycheck on lap dances with her, and see if anything untoward happens in the champagne room or after her shift. I mean, we can’t be sure if you can handle this non-committed relationship until you actually find out she’s fucking other dudes. I just want to help.

Football. Standard league, no flex, can keep three guys, but only one at each position (e.g., can’t keep 2 RBs). I’ve settled on my one RB keeper and my one WR keeper. The third spot is always a QB or a TE, because who would keep a DST or a K, right? I’ve narrowed the final spot to Stafford, Orton, Tebow and Dwight Clark. I’m inclined to keep Clark.

I wouldn’t recommend that. Dwight Clark retired after the 1987 season.

He’s more elite (or was)

Was.

at his position than the other three, and I think I can grab a decent QB in the draft. But my gut says that Tebow will be a stud keeper in a few years (I know many disagree), and I would like to keep him off the market entirely. I’m low on Stafford because of injuries, but the projection systems seem to like him. Orton seems risky with Tebow around. Thoughts?

Sincerely,
Smitten with a Stripper 3,000 Miles Away

To quote High Fidelity, your guts have shit for brains. Don’t keep Tebow. Only an idiot of long-distance-stripper-dating proportions would keep Tebow. Keep Clark, assuming you have the goateed Indianapolis variety of Clark.

**********

Dear CC,
Sex question: I met a woman recently through mutual friends and we hit it off. Because of our related social circles we’ve been able to get to know each other without doing anything sexual, but I could sense something was there. She recently confided in me that she has feelings for me. Her interest seems really romantic whereas I’m not interested in a committed relationship with her, but I would be interested in being sexual or just remaining platonic friends. I wholeheartedly agree with you admonitions to writers/readers of the mailbag to communicate openly and honestly and I would only tell her what level of commitment I would be able to offer. I’m just wondering if you would advise staying away from the sexual stuff altogether and telling her I just want to remain platonic friends. In other words, is it likely that getting into a sexual relationship with someone with whom you’re on a different wavelength would end badly and complicate mutual friendships?

Seems to me like you’re getting way ahead of yourself. “I hit it off with this girl and I want to have sex with her but she has feelings for me and I don’t want a relationship so I guess we probably shouldn’t have sex.”

I’d say give it a try and see where it goes. A recent study found that 73% of married people didn’t want to get bogged down in a relationship when they started dating their spouse. Granted, that study never happened and I just made that percentage up, but my point is that you shouldn’t restrict yourself from pleasures of the flesh merely because you think she wants a relationship and you think that you don’t. What if she’s super cool and has no gag reflex and her vagina is hotter than a Burmese jungle? You’d be a fool not to stay with that.

On the other hand, if your trepidation is caused by something more obvious (“I’d fuck her if I was drunk, but I could never date a woman with an ass that wide”), then you’re right not to take advantage of her inherently moped qualities.

Football question: I must confess I’m not in a fantasy league. But I would like to ask for some always be covering advice especially from an NFC west fan such as yourself. I see that vegas has my niners getting 7.5 wins this year and I feel that an under bet would be a lock. Their defense has only gotten worse and starting Alex Smith hasn’t done them any good for the last six years. They’re also playing the AFC north (admittedly two gimmies with Cin. and Cle., but two sure losses against Pit. and Bal.) and the NFC East with three guaranteed losses coming from that division. At large NFC opponents are the Bucs (who destroyed them last year) and the Lions who, despite a similar record last year, have the better team. But with six games in the NFC west the picture gets muddied, and last year they lost a lot of close games by being simply out coached. Do you think Harbaugh will fare better this year? Or do you think they will more likely draft Andrew Luck than flirt with a .500 record?
Thanks for your time,
Northern-Fucking-Californian-Woman Esteemer + Stunted Tryst = Frightened And Neurotic

Well, I do like betting the under on 7.5 wins, NFC WEST FAN, but it seems to me like that could be bad karma as a fan. What if the NFC West plays out in a similar way to last year’s suckiness? What if the Niners enter Week 17 with a 7-8 record, needing a win in St. Louis to clinch the division and make it into the playoffs?

You’d be conflicted: as a fan, you want your team to get into the playoffs. Hell, you’ve got that one home game where anything can happen, then maybe the team gets hot and catches some lucky breaks and you’re in the Super Bowl! Fuck yeah!

On the other hand, you’d have money riding against your own team. Sure, it’s a nice consolation if the team doesn’t make the playoffs, but it just seems against some moral code of fandom that Bill Simmons might spend 5000 words carefully outlining and then revising every other year. I’d rather just root for my team.