Ahoy-hoy. Before we get into today’s submissions, a couple reminders:

1. A lot of mailbags recently have been a little thin in the submissions department. Be sure to email us with your sex and/or fantasy football questions so that the only thing I do around here remains robust and worthwhile.

And 2. As the picture above indicates, I stress again that I am neither a fantasy football expert nor a licensed therapist. I’m just a dude who’s made a boatload of mistakes with the opposite sex.

So yes, this mailbag is both thin and slightly amateurish today, as I was preoccupied this week compiling the twenty most punchable faces on TV. A pity that the mailbag suffers because of it, but well worth it in the long run, I think. Let’s dig in.

Dear Cave0,
Fantasy Football: Who would you consider un-tradeable this upcoming coming season?

Nobody. Everyone’s tradeable — it just comes down to price. Aaron Rodgers might be the best fantasy quarterback in the game, but I’d probably trade him if some lunatic offered me Arian Foster and Calvin Johnson, you know?

Sex (If you wanna call it that): I’ve been single for a little over a year now after a horrible 2 year relationship. In the past year, many things have gotten better in my life since I started focusing on myself more and started running, went back to school, found a part time job etc… all in all, I’m in a much better place now. The way I see it, a lot of this can be attributed to me not having a girl to spend all that boyfriend time with which was a huge waste of time during that failed relationship. So with that, I have not been looking for a relationship and as anyone guy can point out, that’s usually when all the girls seem to want you most. So anyways, I met this girl through a girl I work with and she’s beautiful and we hit it off from the first night we talked and she’s really into me. Now the problem is I seem to be not into her as much after I’ve seen how much she’s into me. Is this because I’m just hesitating from any type of relationship because I don’t want to be in a bad one again, or is it the girl herself? I’ve made it clear to this girl that I have many things in my life (like my studying, exercise, guys time etcc..) that I’m not going to change drastically just because I met her. And the one thing that is worrying is she would gladly text me throughout the day if I don’t say something like “hey, gotta do such and such, I’ll text u later babe” and leave her for a few hours, usually because I really am busy with something. I don’t want to be selfish and get into a relationship that my heart is not fully into, but at the same time, I don’t want to do anything drastic like cut it off with her because I think something is there between us and she is long term material and the opposite of my Ex in so many ways for the better. So my question is, how do I know if I’m not into this girl that much because of her, or is it because I’m just scared to go back into a relationship and don’t want to fuck with the good things in my life?
Thanks for the help, -
Appreciative reader

Dear sweet mother of Jesus, that was one long-winded paragraph. When I finished reading it, my brain leapt out of my skull to gasp for air.

Anyway, a lot of things have to line up for a relationship to work out. It’s not just about meeting the right person — it’s about meeting the right person at the right time. And both people have to feel the same way and be in the right mindset for it to work. I can look back on every fizzled relationship I’ve ever had and easily pick out the missing component: women who blindsided me with a breakup (I was either the wrong person, or the timing wasn’t right for her); a year I wasted with someone who was controlling and distrustful largely because she entered my life when I was ready to have a girlfriend; and several perfectly nice, smart, attractive women where I flaked because I wasn’t mentally ready to commit to a relationship.

That’s what your situation sounds like to me — possibly the right person, but she came into your life at the wrong time. Or hell, maybe she’s just not the right person. You probably won’t know which it is until you break it off with her, then see her two months later looking super-hot at some party and holding another guy’s hand. You’ll either think, “Good for her!” or “FUCK FUCK FUCK! WHAT WAS I THINKING?” Either way, if you’re communicating your feelings honestly and not leading her on, you’re doing the right thing for the moment.

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Dear Popular Purveyor of Apoplexy,
Don’t have much on the sex issue. Good/healthy relationship with a hot, successful chick. If only she brought hot 20 year old girls home on the reg, it would be heaven.

Wait, “on the reg”? Does that mean that she only occasionally brings home hot 20-year-old girls? That’s what I’m going to choose to believe.

Fantasy Football is why I’m here. I’ve got a major decision to make, but first, a little background on the league I’m discussing is necessary. It’s a rather complex, 10 team, auction draft, dynasty league, allowing keepers, and (our subject today) pre/during draft trades. All the managers pay attention, are very active, and we have a lengthy league constitution and rule book to deal with pretty much any issues that would arise.

The draft is a $100 auction, followed by an S draft during which you can fill out any remaining roster spots. The only tweak on the S-draft is that it is done by reverse order of when each manager ran out of auction money (thus if you pay $20 each for 5 players, and are out first, you’ll be waiting a long time before you get to look at a 6th player). This works well in motivating teams to keep to the $100 budget, but allows for experimentation by risk-prone managers. You can keep up to 2 players from your previous draft, but those two players will cost you their previous draft price, plus $8. Thus, you only want to keep highly skilled players that you got at a bargain the year prior.

I also note just as advice to other leagues that we do waiver bidding ($100 budget for the season, blind bids every Wednesday), and have a rotating commissioner situation, so everyone that wants to can be the man for a season. We are about to (hopefully) start year 5. I won last year, in large part due to drafting McCoy ($15) and Foster ($13) for reasonable bargains (Petersen went for $37), and picking up Vick late in the supplemental S-draft (same value as FA=$1). So, obviously I’m keeping Foster, who will be a great value. My choice between Vick and McCoy seems like a no-brainer – take Vick at $9, because he was the highest scoring QB last year, and should be top 5 again (top 5 usually go for 15-25). Feel free to give any commentary on choosing Vick over McCoy in the second keeper spot, because McCoy too should be worth his keeper value at $23.

However, my question is as follows: I have put out feelers to each of the other managers about their interest in Vick. Here’s how that would work under our rules: I keep him for $9, taking up one of my keeper spots, then prior to the start of the auction, trade him to another manager for $X, I would then start the auction with $100 + $X – $9 to bid on players in the draft. I’m thinking that Vick is a bit of a risk, with his injury prone style, and one hit wonder track record. I’ve got one offer so far for over $20 on Vick – do I snap this up? I’d start the draft with the difference between my keeper cost on vick, $9 and that offer, let’s say $23 just for the sake of it. An extra $14 in the draft is huge in this league, considering the budget. So, should I keep Vick and actually keep him, or keep him and pre-draft trade him while the iron is hot and his value is up?
Thanks,
Convoluted League Idiot Trader

I was told there would be no math.

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I’m not feeling an original and witty greeting… so hey,
I’d like to start with football. I am in a 12-team four-keeper league in which I was undefeated all year, but lost in the semi-final. I had the first pick and took Johnson with it, and I was lucky enough to grab Arian Foster late in the draft, as the news had just recently broken out about Ben Tate and his expected draft position hadn’t yet been changed. I also picked up Michael Vick. So three of my keepers are definitely going to be CJ, Foster, and Vick, but the fourth is the one where I’m a bit stumped on who to decide. I also have Josh Freeman, Marques Colston, and Wes Welker. I obviously wouldn’t consider Freeman unless I thought I could get the best trade value for him, since I already have a better QB and I usually use the last few rounds of the draft to pick up a backup. I’m not sure which of those three will carry the most value though, what do you think?

Because I’m white and play in a PPR league, my first inclination is to say Welker. But I’m going to fight my racist urges and say Colston on account of him getting in the end zone more, which may or may not be true. I don’t really feel like looking it up.

And then the other thing… so I’ve been going out with a girl for a few months. We’re both 25 and she’s smoking hot. And she’s always up for sex whenever I want it. And it’s fucking good sex. I really like her personality… at times. One side of her is sweet, with a really good sense of humor. She and I have a lot in common; we both love sports and have the same taste in music and movies (she’d rather watch Caddyshack than something like The Notebook or other generic chick flicks that I’d dislike having to sit through), it’s always easy to make conversation, and we both can make each other really happy. She’s easily the best girl I’ve ever been with when she’s like that.

But?

But… she’s an emotional mess at times. She’s a bipolar schizophrenic with a terrible history of abusive boyfriends, mother, and stepfathers, and her past really haunts her.

Yikes, stepfathers. Plural. That can’t be good.

She sees things in her mind and I often have to calm her down and stop her from hurting herself. Sometimes she lashes out at me for something minor when she gets angry, although later on she’ll start sobbing and apologize to me a thousand times hoping I won’t leave her. Obviously, she’s very needy and I am a very patient man and thought I could handle anything when she told me about this, but it’s getting to be a bit much. I really like this girl and perhaps even love her, but her problems make her quite a handful, and the cons clearly outweigh the pros. And yet I really care for her and I keep thinking that if I leave her who knows what she’ll do to herself. What do you think is the best thing to do in this situation?
- C.C.

One word: THERAPY. Therapy for her, and maybe couples therapy for the both of yas. You can’t — and shouldn’t — be the sole anchor tethering her to the world. She seems to recognize that she has problems, which means should be willing to try to get better in order to be a better girlfriend to you. And most importantly, you should want to stay with her because you very much like/maybe love her — not because you’re afraid she’ll slit her wrists if you leave. A relationship should be two people working together for mutual happiness, not one person carrying the other through life.

And while I think you should give therapy a go and try to help her improve her mental state, I’ll also reiterate a common refrain in the mailbag: just because you’re in love with someone does not mean that they’re the right person for you.

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Cap’n-
A question on sexy time, Polyamory edition: About three months ago, I started dating a wonderful woman. We get along fabulously, share plenty of common interests, and the sex is fantastic. Moreover, we’re both busy, strong-willed, independent people in our late twenties, so there’s little danger of us turning into that annoying (and, in my humble opinion, patently unhealthy) couple that has to do absolutely everything together. In short, these few months have been excellent. Last week, she informed me that she has been seeing someone else.

That’s bad.

I can’t say I found it all that surprising. She’s a knockout, we hadn’t broached the subject of exclusivity, and while I can’t say the thought hadn’t crossed my mind, I’d done a fairly good job of not dwelling on it. She’d left a long relationship in January and so my plan has been to let things develop organically (they have) and, despite an intense desire to girlfriend the hell out of this woman, to give her whatever space and time as she needed (I have) to sort things out. This plan seems to have worked well enough because she went on to tell me that earlier in the day she had ended things with the other party on account of her feelings for me.

That’s good!

She then explains that while she’s quite smitten, she wishes to retain the right to see other people, should the opportunity arise.

That’s bad.

Now, the last thing I am is puritanical about people’s sex lives, provided they are always honest with their partners. Also, my life over the past few years — I had an engagement go to shit and, until the lady in question, hadn’t come across anyone with whom I felt at ease — could best be described as polyamorous, so telling her that I find this arrangement unacceptable smacks of hypocrisy, does it not? The trouble is, having this conversation with her has rendered clear what should have been blindingly conspicuous: the notion of her with another man has evolved from ignored possibility, to mild irritant, to unacceptable certainty. And now I have this sinking feeling that just as I’m exiting a phase of my life that, while great fun, had grown rather vacant and unfulfilling, she, a serial monogamist for many years, is just getting started. I’m not interested in exercising some reptilian-brained impulse and throwing down the gauntlet of, “It’s either me or the greater New York Metro Area. Pick.” And she needs to do what she thinks will make her happy. To that end, I suppose my question is this: Do I continue to see this woman in hopes that, just as with her kicking the “other guy” to the curb, her feelings for me prompt her to realize that we’re good together, have a great shot at making each other pretty damn happy, and it’s worth pursuing in the exclusive manner I would prefer? For what it’s worth, our discussion of exclusivity last week did have a recognizable “I’m just not sure if I’m ready yet” ring to it. Or, am I just bullshitting myself into believing I’m not the next “other guy” in-the-making?

Ahhhh, I like it when mailbag questions come together in a common theme: it sounds to me like she found the right guy at the wrong time.

Me, I’d rather bite the bullet and take a loss like a man than live with conditions I find unacceptable, and it sounds to me like you feel the same way. I’d say something along the lines of, “Hey, I’m really into you, and as much as I wanted to take things slow and let them develop organically, I’m really only interested in a monogamous relationship with you. So if you have to date other people, I understand — but I don’t want to be with you unless I’m ONLY with you, and vice versa.” Maybe showing that kind of backbone will make her commit to you, or maybe you’re not going to like the decision she makes. But that allows you to at least know that you followed your heart and your conscience in speaking honestly. It’s better to sleep alone than to lay awake next to someone, wondering who might have been there the night before.

On FF: Professional football is pretty much the only entity about which I am relentlessly superstitious. During the lockout this has manifested itself as a deep and powerful reluctance to talk about anything related to the NFL. In lieu of a fantasy question, I give you a picture of Alison Bree that you’ve probably seen 100 times. Were there any way that any picture of Alison Bree could ever get old, I would apologize for the repetition.
Thanks, Sean

First of all, it’s Alison Brie, not Bree. It’s important to be respectful in our celebrity obsessions. But thank you: you’re quite correct that Alison Brie pictures never get old, and I appreciate you sending such a nice high-res image (you can click it for the larger version).

Speaking of high-res Alison Brie images, you can see her and “Community” co-star Gillian Jacobs S&M-ing it in lingerie up here. Today is a good day.