Holy cow. I asked for more questions last week, and you people F’n delivered. There were so many excellent questions this week that I’ve made this mailbag the biggest, longest edition of the summer — or possibly ever. This bad boy clocks in at over 8400 words, which puts me in Easterbrookian territory I generally try to avoid, but I wanted to make up for recent lackluster performances. And I even had enough great questions for a whole other mailbag (which, before you suggest it, could never happen because I don’t write nearly fast enough). So thanks, everybody. Way to come through.

Also, my apologies to those of you who caught an unfinished draft of this when I accidentally published it earlier today. These things sometimes happen when you have multiple publishing platforms open in neighboring Chrome tabs. #firstworldproblems

Let’s do this. And whatever you do, don’t read this on the toilet. Your legs will fall asleep or you’ll die of a femoral blood clot or something like that.

Captain Clutch,
FOOTBALL: First time fantasy football player and commissioner here (I run my fantasy baseball league, so how hard can it be?). Looking to head up a 12-person league. To avoid arguments, headaches, etc., I decided to just go with the standard ESPN roster setup and scoring: 16 roster size, 9 starters, 1 QB, 2 RB, 1 FLEX, 2 WR, 1 TE, 1 DEFENSE/SPECIAL TEAMS and 1 K. I mentioned this to some friends who are veteran fantasy football players and some of them suggested that I should make the FLEX spot be QB/WR/RB instead of just WR/RB. Is this terribly unusual? Seems to me that having two QB’s starting can be a double-edged sword and add some strategy and excitement to the league. Then again, I admit my inexperience in fantasy football. I also am wondering about division setups? Do people typically draft first, then randomly assign people to their divisions? Or vice versa? I defer to your better judgment.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. No 2-quarterback fantasy leagues!

Listen, the whole point of fantasy football — aside from a gambling interest to make NFL games more exciting — is trying to replicate managing an actual lineup of players (the ones that produce easily measured stats, anyway). That’s why you have a flex position: it’s meant to represent the deviance in lineups from play-to-play. So if you’re going to tweak the flex settings, make it WR/RB/TE, because a two-tight end set is a lot more common than a 2-QB set.

(And before anyone starts talking about the 2-QB formations with Seneca Wallace or Tim Tebow where the #1 QB is lined up at wideout: eat a dick. Those are seldom-used formations that could never produce the kind of numbers you might get from starting, say, Aaron Rodgers as your QB and Josh Freeman as your flex.)

SEX, OR THE PURSUIT OF: So last October, I met a girl at a pub crawl. She was a friend of one of my very good female friends and was only visiting for the weekend. She lives two and a half hours away. We chatted it up, had some laughs, but I didn’t make a move or anything. Next day my friend tells me that her friend, we’ll call her Wendy, thought I was hot and she was interested in getting to know me. What followed next was standard: Facebook friends, messages exchanged, texts sent, etc. Turns out Wendy is actually an amazing girl who has a lot in common with me and our senses of humor mesh very well. My friend said she’d organize a weekend for Wendy to come up and visit again and get us together under one roof. My mistake was trusting her to do that because she is a very lazy girl and nothing happened. Time passed and it eventually dropped from my mind. About a month ago, she became “Facebook official” with some guy in her area. Oh well, my fault for dragging my feet. No big deal. Fast forward to last week when she became single on Facebook again.

Whoa, three whole weeks as someone’s Facebook girlfriend! She moves quickly.

Now I’m not saying I’m pining over this girl, but I wouldn’t mind correcting a mistake of inaction. I also haven’t had any communication with Wendy since February. My friend has acknowledged dropping the ball last year and says if I’m still interested, she promises to come through this time. I’m hesitant to trust her, but these two have become BFF so it may be wise to let her ease me back into Wendy’s graces. I also know my friend can be weird at times and I know she wouldn’t like me going behind her back. Better move in your opinion? Let her see what the landscape is, or should I just grab the bull by the horns and try to score a date myself?
Sincerely,
Bored at Work

Sometimes the best way to get results is to be a pain in the ass. Tell your female friend/Wendy’s BFF that you’re serious about “correcting the mistake of inaction” — I enjoy that phrase — and that if she doesn’t facilitate some dialogue with Wendy by X date, then you’ll take it upon yourself to contact her yourself. If your friend hooks you up, great. If not, she’s tacitly given you the green light.

Now, contacting Wendy out of the blue after six months won’t be easy. When you send her a FB message, don’t say anything along the lines of “DURR HURR I NOTICED YOU’RE SINGLE.” Just be frank with her: “Hey, it was so cool getting to know you a little bit last year, and I find that my thoughts keep turning to you even though we haven’t been in contact. Is there any chance we can talk or hang out sometime this summer?” That way it sounds like you’re a nice guy who’s been thinking about her, not some creep following her status updates.

**********

Dear Caveman,
Fantasy: What would be your ideal league rules? I’ve always played in a 10 team league with standard scoring and rosters, but I’m joining a new league this year and we’re open to changing the rules. Do you prefer a draft or auction format? If you do a keeper league, how many people should you be allowed to keep from season to season? Should we do points per reception? What about having a league where you start two QB’s?

No. See above.

Any other weird rules that you think would make it more fun and involve more strategy? I know there’s no right answer, but I just wanted to get your take on it.

Golly, I feel so flattered. For the record, what you’ve just done is also an excellent strategy when you’re on a date with someone new. “What’s your opinion? I want to get your take on it” is pretty much the #1 thing any woman wants to hear. I mean, they also love to hear things like “I love your shoes!” and “You’re so skinny!” and “Your hair is gorgeous! It makes you look like a movie star!” — but asking them their opinion on something goes beyond flattery and shows that you actually care about what they have to say (even if you don’t).

ANYWAY, here are my ideal league settings:

  • 12 teams
  • 1 QB, 2 WR, 2 RB, 1 TE, 1 Flex (RB/WR/TE), 1 K, 1 D/ST, 6 Bench positions (keeps FA wire active)
  • Scoring: 1 point per 10 yards rushing/receiving, 1 point per 25 yards passing, 6 points per TD, 4 points per passing TD, 0.5 PPR
  • Draft over auction, but that’s because I’m lazy. An auction requires much better preparation and strategy.
  • Keepers are a fun way to give the league continuation if you don’t have a lot of manager turnover in your league. A great addition to a league after a year or two, but not necessary at the start.

I didn’t quite include every little foible of scoring, because there are too many things I don’t care enough about (-1 point versus -1.5 points for an interception, variable points for how long a kicker’s FGs are, why a QB’s INT might be -1.5 points for him but +2 points for the defense, etc.). I’m also not particularly opposed to return yardage as a fun wrinkle for those backup RBs and WRs who populate the waiver wire, but I’m just as happy not taking that into consideration when I’m working out my starting lineups.

Sex: My question isn’t about me because I’m that douchebag from a previous mailbag that “listens to the Universe” and my life is perfect (just kidding, but seriously that guy was brutal). If you have a buddy that’s about to get engaged and you’re 100% certain that it’s a bad decision, what’s the loyal thing to do? Like let’s say all of his friends agree that he shouldn’t get engaged, and let’s say we know he’s thinking of doing it in three months even though he met the girl last month. We all feel like we’re being paternalistic and don’t want to say anything, but at the same time we feel like we’d be bad friends to just sit back and watch him make a lifelong mistake. What, if anything, should we do?
Thanks,
Concerned Commish

It’s a tough position you’re in. Having seen this play out several times before across both sexes and various friendships and relationships, the options basically come down to (1) speak your mind, thus alienating your friend and making him closer to his prospective fiancee, or (2) stay mum and watch as he sinks ever deeper into the relationship. Fucking Catch-22.

I’m pretty sure I’ve told this anecdote before, but I dated a girl in college that probably should’ve been just a hook-up. When it started, my friend Brian said to me — I remember his exact words as we stood by the pool table in our fraternity house — “She’s bad news, and she’s not even that cute.” He was right.

Brian’s words stung but didn’t affect my course of action, and it made me colder to him even though he was the only friend who had the balls to tell me the truth. I certainly respect Brian’s character now, after the fact, but it didn’t impact me positively at the time. Meanwhile, I have other friends who were warned off of certain people they dated — and they got married anyway. And now those people either live with their friends’ disappointment or have sought out new friends. It’s a pretty shitty scenario. That’s the pernicious nature of love (or lust): it can blind us to reason and cause us to ignore confidantes looking out for our own good.

So do you tell your friend? Fuck, man, that’s a tough one. As tight as the bonds between male friends may be, you can’t compete with pussy. If you’re going to say anything at all, say it gently. Too much honesty and all you’ll get is one less friend.

**********

Dear Captains of Industry,
Football: I have such little hope for the coming season that even the act of asking a fantasy football question is painful. So, in lieu of a question on football (fantasy or not), here is a picture of a hot chick with a decent sleeve.

Sometimes, a sexy woman is the difference between making the mailbag and not making the mailbag. Although I do enjoy a nicely tattooed lady, I can’t say I’m a fan of Miss Lake’s skin art. Nevertheless, I’m a sucker for redheads with big boobs, so I did my due diligence with that watermark, and I’m happy to redirect viewers to more pictures of Vanessa. For those limited to safe-for-work images, you can see her pinup work on Model Mayhem and Facebook. For those of you looking for NSFW images, there’s plenty to be seen at Robot vs Badger, with additional tittays available via a simple Tumblr search.

Sex: I’m a 25 year old man in law school, and I recently started dating a pretty fun woman (about a month and a half ago, in fact), and everything about the relationship is pretty great (I’ve never had a girl cook for me before, and it is pretty amazing), except for the sex. I won’t put any of this at her feet: she’s energetic and excited during sex, and is one of those lucky girls who orgasms insanely easily, getting about three or four in a session, which is pretty gratifying and really makes me feel like a stud. However, I’ve always had issues with decreased sensitivity, and coupled with my until-recent obesity, I haven’t really been with many women (okay, three…get your laughs in now)

There’s nothing to laugh at. Ain’t nothin’ wrong with being a 25-year-old who’s had sex with three people. It means you’re way less likely to have an STD.

and never for very long periods of time, due in part to embarrassment about not being able to ejaculate easily during vaginal sex, especially when using a condom, which I’m doing now. This relationship, though, I can see going longer than a few months. When I’m handling myself I can orgasm in about 15 minutes or so, and when she’s giving me oral (blessed, blessed oral), it takes about 10. Any advice for my formerly fat-ass? (Tried to keep the word count down, hope it worked)
Thank you for your assistance,
Peen von Fritz

Well, it seems like you’d like to move this girl into “official girlfriend” status, and if that’s the case, just tell her that you have sensitivity issues that make it hard for you to ejaculate with a condom on. Maybe you can use that in your case to move toward exclusivity and glorious, glorious unprotected sex.

Of course, if you have problems getting off during unprotected vaginal sex, it means one of two things: (1) your dick is broken and you’re not a man, or (2) you’re secretly gay.

Kidding! Just kidding. I can only speak for my own penis, but if it takes you 15 minutes to masturbate to completion, somethin’ ain’t right. Like, sometimes it takes me as much as 15 minutes to jerk off, but that’s because I’m luxuriating in my Valhalla of lotion and porn. I’d recommend setting up an appointment with a urologist to see if everything’s okay physically. If you can rule out physical dysfunction, that leaves mental blocks as the cause (very possible if you have lingering body image issues), which is a whole other thing that I’m even more unqualified to walk you through.

In the meantime, keep sexin’ up your lady. Just enjoy getting her off and don’t worry about your orgasm. I suspect that over time, the more you focus on enjoying the act of sex (and not the destination of orgasm), the more likely you’ll find yourself close to that destination.

**********

CC,
Sex: I live in a beach community with a very small year-round population, a huge number of tourists, and a fair amount of 18-23 year-olds that come and work for the summer.

NICE.

Without being crass, the island does not lend itself to monogamy.

Do you work on Temptation Island? Because that was my favorite reality show EVER.

Not too long ago, I met a girl whose parents own a house here. She lives about 4 hours away and makes occasional visits when their home isn’t occupied by renters. We get along well, so whenever she comes down I clear my schedule in order for us to hang out (Oh, and before you panic – this is definitely not a long-distance relationship question). I had let her know previously that whenever she wanted to come down but couldn’t stay at her family’s house she was welcome to stay with me, and about 3 weeks ago she texted me to say she was taking me up on that offer. This is where the trouble begins.

I had been spending quite a bit of time with a girl that lives here, and was now faced with the dilemma of trying to avoid her for a week or letting her know the situation. As a bartender in a place she frequents, I didn’t have the option of using work as an excuse because she could simply come by for a drink and see I’m not there. As a person, I try to be as open and honest as possible with the other people in my life. It was pretty clear to me what I had to do, but I’ve been around enough women to know this conversation was not going to go well and would likely mark the end of our relationship. Many drinks, several harsh words and a few tears later, she said she couldn’t be around me anymore.

OBVS.

I suppose my question is, what should I have done? My female friends seem to just shake their head disapprovingly, and most of my male friends are a few shades more womanizing than a Kennedy, so I want an opinion somewhere from the middle. Should I avoid all other female contact except for the few times a year I see this other girl? I don’t think there should be a problem with me carrying on a few different casual relationships provided my actions are not malicious. It’s not like I’m pulling the classic “two dates in the same restaurant” sitcom scenario. Please help sir, before more innocent hearts are broken.

I don’t see what the problem is. You had two women on your plate, and rather than doing some shady double-timing, you broke it off with your steady girl. Feelings get hurt in break-ups: there is no candy-ass reality where every break-up is mutual and both people are happy and better off for it. It’s emotionally exhausting stuff even when the relationship isn’t all that serious. Welcome to life.

Now, if you wanted to continue dating your island girlfriend — or maybe just avoided dealing with tears — then the appropriate course of action would have been to text your visiting piece of tail and let her know that sorry, you’re seeing someone right now and it wouldn’t be appropriate for her to stay with you. Pretty simple, really.

Fantasy: I used to play a lot when I was younger, but after high school I lost more and more interest until I eventually stopped altogether. Do you think playing for money (which I never did) would prove more exciting, or is the whole thing just not for me?
-DW

EVERYTHING is better when playing for money. Have you ever been to one of those fundraiser casino nights, where you get X amount of free chips and you can play blackjack for no stakes whatsoever? It’s dull as shit, because you don’t have a goddamn penny riding on that double down against the dealer’s nine. People don’t participate in dog fights strictly for their love of dogs killing each other, you know?

Anyway, depending on how much money you and your prospective league mates make, it can be nice to play the season with a $50 or so buy-in — not enough to break the bank with your investment, but it makes the potential windfall come December very nice.

**********

Dear Cave Dweller,
I’ll start with the sex question. So I’ve been seeing this girl for about a month now and I’m just feeling guilty as to the pretense under which this whole relationship started. So I’m at a baseball game with a couple friends and have put a few away when this girl trying to get to her seat spills her beer all over me. She apologizes repeatedly and seems really embarrassed so I say don’t worry about it, why don’t you come up to the concession stand with me- you need a beer (and you’re really cute), I need a beer. Not a big deal. I’m just wearing a t-shirt, etc, etc. So we start talking and actually stand up by the concession stand for a couple innings and she starts telling me about her internship and how much she loves living here (on the East Coast but I’d rather not disclose) and on and on. I’m just thinking to myself, damn it, internship??? This chick is in college? I totally want to fuck this girl and she seems relatively mature for a 21 year old but I’m 35. When I was in college I thought anyone over 30 was a fucking fossil!! I’m toast. There’s no way she’ll ever go for it.

Never discount the possibility of daddy issues.

So we keep talking and she ends up asking me how old I am and being a bit buzzed I just blurt out 28. She’s like, oh, cool. Doesn’t bat an eye. So what’s the harm, right? If I have to lie to bang some senior in college one night so be it. Well, I end up taking her out a couple nights later and doing just that. Here I am now a month later and she stayed over at my place 3 times in the last week.

Your pants must be on fire from all the sex you’re having. Wait, no. That would be the lies.

I literally had to go through my apartment and hide anything that might give away my age. Why does your college diploma say 1997? Because I’m a fucking genius and I graduated when I was 14. I temporarily de-activated my Facebook account and just told her I’m the last person not on there. It fucks me up whenever I tell a story because I can’t screw the fictional timeline up. Lying is hard damn work. I feel like I’m living some George Costanza kind of lie. The crazy thing is I’m actually really starting to like this girl. I don’t know if she’s really that into me or just likes the idea of dating an older guy who can take her to nice restaurants, shows, etc. She spent the first month of her summer at shitty bars with other interns and maybe just wants someone who can do other things with her. Anyways, I do feel bad about lying to her but I never thought this last month could have actually went like this. Oh, the sex is great by the way. So I guess the question is what do I do about this situation? My guy friends think I’m kind of a dick but that it’s also hilarious and awesome. The couple females who know…..not so much. I see myself as having three options 1) Just come clean, apologize, tell her I’d had a few when she asked and hope she’s cool with it 2) Continue living the lie and just never tell her. She leaves town in a month. 99% chance it’s over then anyways. 3). Live the lie this summer and then if she moves back here after graduation and I see her again I tell her then.

In order:

  1. Good idea.
  2. Bad idea, but amusingly so, in a dickbag sort of way.
  3. Fucking terrible idea.

I’d go with #1, stress that you didn’t think it would go anywhere because she’s so young and smart and beautiful, and then explain the continued lying by telling her that you just wanted to be with her more and didn’t want to risk losing her. It’s standard desperate begging, but she’s young, so following up with flowers and particularly romantic acts will go a lot further than they’d go with an older woman.

Onto football- I’m the commissioner of a league for which the team names are a bit stale and it really pisses me off. I take pride in trying to come up with a somewhat witty new name every season. Some of the guys in my league haven’t changed their names in 5 years. I want to strangle them when I see the same bullshit name again. I want to do something at the draft so that no one names their own team (ideally something insulting- we’re all friends). Guys seem to the most creative when they’re insulting their friends. Do I just have people pick someone else’s name out of a hat? That seems a little lame. Do I allow last year’s league champ to give everyone an insulting name? Any thoughts you have on this would be helpful. Thanks.
-Sexy Costanza

Why should people change the name of their fantasy team to make you happy? In one of my leagues, my team has been named Muffcunt Vaginapussy for three years, and I have no intention of changing it. Hell, maybe your opponents know that the name thing drives you crazy, and that’s why they keep it dull. Gamesmanship.

Of course, fantasy football IS more fun if everyone has profane and/or funny team names, so it may be a good idea to stay tuned to KSK and share Drew’s annual Guide to Naming Your Fantasy Team with your league when it comes out (usually in early to mid-August). But you can’t force people to give a shit about what you give a shit about. That’s why we hate our Facebook friends whose updates are always about their kids.

*********

Dear ummm- damn, I swear I had something for this
My problem isn’t really about sex, but I honestly don’t know anyone else that I talk to about this. So, here it goes: I go to grad school in a small town. Recently I found out that I failed a course and have to repeat a year. This is horrible news not only for my career (obviously), but also in my personal life. I go to a small enough school that most people are familiar with each other. This means that the entire school knows I failed. How the fuck am I supposed to have a social/sex life when the whole school knows what a dumbass I am? I’m not a great catch to begin with; I’m short, skinny (but getting fatter thanks to stress eating for the past couple of months) and balding with gaps between my teeth and a small penis (maybe, I don’t know). Most of the people I interact with are from the school and there aren’t that many people outside of the school because, like I said, it is a small town. I understand I should focus on school first and get my shit together, but the prospect of being holed up in my apartment by myself for the next 3 years scares me. This really isn’t how I pictured my early 20s to be. How do I start getting my life together? Really, at this point, any advice is great.

Football: Is there even a slight chance that the Raiders will turn it around in my lifetime? Why can’t Al Davis just die?

By the way, I completely understand if you don’t answer this question. I’m 100% sure people don’t want to read a story about some loser when they go to your website.

Thanks,
– Pete

Relax, Pete. As flubby explained to the KSK staff, most Raiders fans have failed at least one class at some point in their lives. Now you’re a real member of Raider Nation.

As for your concerns about school and life, I’m not going to turn this into some long pep talk about picking yourself up, dusting yourself off, and continuing with your life — but that’s pretty much what you need to do. The wallowing in failure and self-loathing you’re doing is unbecoming, and people will smell it on you as surely as they would if you shit your pants or didn’t wear deodorant.

Short answer: worry about the things you can control. Don’t worry about the things you can’t. You can’t control what other people think or say, so who gives a shit? Study hard. Exercise. If going bald and having a gap in your teeth bothers you, stock up on Rogaine and get your teeth fixed. Otherwise shut up and rock that look. Paul Scheer is an ugly son of a bitch, but he’s pretty damn successful.

You can’t do anything about being short, so throw your shoulders back and stand proudly. Be a man, not some homunculus of failure. The people with the most character are the ones who use their failures to grow stronger and wiser.

**********

Dear KSK,
Well, let’s start with the FF. I am in a dynasty league (get to keep 5 guys) that is also PPR. My set in stone keepers are Rogers, Megatron, Mendenhall and RUN DMC. For the fifth spot, I am going back and forth, and back and forth between Brandon Lloyd, LeGarrette Blount or the extra draft pick (if you dont keep the full complement of 5, you get draft picks back). Thoughts?

Blount was inconsistent; I’d keep Lloyd. He’s better than a draft pick.

On the sex front, this is more of a guy code question. My wife has a friend. She is quite attractive. For a solid decade she dated some rich asshole (heir to major pharmaceutical company fortune), who after they had been together for 7 years banged some townie in the Hamptons, got herpes and promptly passed the disease onto her. Fast forward to now, her and a good buddy of mine met at a networking event, and are on their way to putting tab A into slot B. Because I know she is afflicted — I need to give him a heads up, right?
-Wingman Whistleblower

So she dated the guy for a solid decade, even though he cheated on her and gave her herpes after seven years? Meaning she stayed with him for three years after he cheated on her and gave her herpes. Meaning, in turn, she’s either a hardcore gold-digger or an utter moron. That’s more of a concern to me than the herpes — whatever’s going on up in her head isn’t limited to outbreaks.

Anyway, we — that is, the mailbag and its contents — haven’t revisited the herpes discussion for a while, so let’s hit the major talking points. While herpes is certainly not something you want to contract, it’s also not the end of the world. It’s only contagious during outbreaks — which become increasingly rare after the first year of infection — and while the virus is “shedding,” a narrow window of contagiousness before an outbreak (and outbreaks are further limited by Valtrex and similar medications). So while the popular opinion is OH GROSS HERPES UNCLEAN, reasonable people can understand and accept the condition — whether they have it, or are just having sex with someone who does. As Drew once said, it’s like getting a used Corvette at an excellent price.

However, none of that answers your question about whether to warn your friend. And though I respect your desire to look out for your buddy, what’s going on in your wife’s friend’s vagina is her business, not yours; the onus is on her to talk about her STD with potential partners. If you need reassurance that your friend is going to get fair warning, I’d suggest talking to your wife and seeing if she can talk to her friend about it. If your wife gleans that her friend doesn’t intend to disclose her herpes, THEN you can give him a heads-up.

**********

Greetings Captain,
Fantasy first. I have been in the same league for 6 years, just co-workers, and we start from scratch every year due to the whims of HR. You get fired from the company, we replace you as well. Barbaric, but tradition.

I appreciate that realness.

My question is, what is the ideal time to hold your draft? This group makes it earlier each year due to vacations, and last year we had the draft following the 3rd preseason game. I say the week between the last preseason game and the start of the season, but to no avail.

You’re right, of course. Tough titty for you.

Sex. Divorced after 12 years of marriage, 15 years with the same woman. Last time I dated there were no cell phones, and the internet was dial up. I have been single about 18 months. Have had my share of dates and short term relationships, and because I date within my age range (35-42), there are a lot less hangups about sex. Women just seem to want it just as much, if not more. Issue, I met one woman, who I hit it off with on a personal level, and we became good friends. Very close. One night, we got drunk and fooled around. Thats what us old folks call it. She loves the idea of friends with benefits, however 2 things occured. One, she is absolutely brutal in bed. I never thought a bad lay existed, usually just grateful for the opportunity. But she has one position, doesn’t care for oral, and once she is satisfied she falls asleep. I did try a second time to make sure it wasn’t just the alcohol, but same thing happened. I spent too much time in monogamy to deal with that again. Two, she doesn’t really believe in grooming. Im not looking for a wood floor, but yikes. So now I am avoiding seeing her in person. I enjoy the friendship, but I am not doing that again. How do I explain this without pissing her off?
Sincerely,
Weedwacker needed

“You suck in bed and your pussy’s hairier than Robin Williams.” Nope, I guess that doesn’t work, huh?

Depending on how the woman is wired, there may not be a way to tell her without pissing her off. I briefly dated someone who appeared to be smart and funny and sexy — but was an absolute dead fish in bed. And it was a goddamn shame, because her tits were a sunny meadow in heaven filled with rainbows and corgis. I could have happily put up with any number of awful quirks if she didn’t just lay there without moving or making a sound. And what can you say? Certainly not “You’re awful in bed.” I guess that’s why the sentence “Let’s just be friends” was invented. It’s polite shorthand for “The mere thought of sex with you turns my stomach.”

**********

Lads,
I’d like to combine questions if I may. I live on the Gold Coast in Australia, but have a work opportunity in Evansville, Indiana.

Oof. For those who’ve never traveled the sparkling highway of I-64 from Louisville to St. Louis, Evansville is toward the southwestern tip of Indiana, just across the water from Kentucky and not far from southern Illinois. It is maybe the fifth-best city in a state without any good cities. And don’t let any Colts fans or Notre Dickwads tell you otherwise.

It’s a decent job but travel opportunities out of Evansville seem to be limited. I’ve never been to the States, but am super keen to get to some live NFL games and hit some good bars and talk NFL shit with people who actually give a fuck and know what they’re talking about. I’m also into crossfit and triathlons, and would love to get some events in, meet some hot chicks and hopefully cut a significant swathe through your female population (no offence). I do okay here, but I’m backing that my accent and novelty value might increase my batting average, so to speak.

A physically fit Australian man? Yeah, you’re gonna do just fine with the ladies.

Unfortunately a look at Google Maps seems to show Evansville is Fat Humps Territory — this is backed up by Wikipedia which shows it is the most obese city in the USA. I realise Evansville is not likely to be the best place to fulfil my NFL and multi-cultural sexual dreams – but is it worth it just to get a foot in the door? Am I going to be surrounded by obese Colts fans, or should I just ignore the stats? To be honest what I’m most worried about is throwing away something good – am I fucking crazy for wanting to leave Australia and move to Indiana??
Appreciate your help,
Red Hill Charlie.

I can understand your curiosity. A common stop for Marines on deployment is Darwin, Australia. From what I understand, most Aussies think of Darwin as a shitty backcountry nowhere, but the Marines who’d been there had loved it. It was Australia, after all — this crazy country on the other side of the Earth that most of us dream about but never visit. There were wallabies an’ shit! Awesome!

So do you move to America, even if it’s not a glamorous part? Well, it depends on your expectations and desires. I cannot stress to you enough just how big of a gigantic motherfucking step down it is to go from the Gold Coast to southern Indiana. There’s no beach. There are not beautiful surfer girls in bikinis. What you get in southern Indiana is fat people and fast food and humidity. However, if you lower your expectations enough, you can still see plenty of decent nightlife and NFL action if you’re willing to drive a couple hours. Here’s a breakdown of nearby NFL cities and the approximate time it would take to drive there from Evansville (I went with conservative estimates, in case you obey speed laws):

  • St Louis: 3 hours
  • Nashville: less than 3 hours
  • Indianapolis: 3.5 hours
  • Cincinnati: 4 hours
  • Chicago: 6 hours

As I stated above, you’re also across the river from Kentucky, the birthplace and one true home of delicious American bourbon — and only two hours from Louisville, site of the Kentucky Derby and home to plenty of frisky Southern belles. And look! Evansville even has a CrossFit gym! (Not the greatest picture gallery, though.)

And before any Fat Humps start claiming that I’m maligning the Midwest, I spent my high school years not too far from Evansville: I was in southern Illinois, about 35 minutes from St. Louis. I was also stationed in Fort Knox for 4 months — about 40 minutes from Louisville — and enjoyed it for the most part. So I know the region okay. There are nice people. There’s cold beer. But I haven’t been back in ten years, and I don’t plan to go back, because where I live (New York) and the various cities where my friends and family live (Boston, D.C., Atlanta, San Diego, L.A., San Francisco, Seattle, Chicago, and so on) all kick the shit out of Evansville. So while I don’t recommend living in southern Indiana, I do recommend living in America. We’re intensely proud of this country for a reason. Come check it out.

**********

Dear KSK,
Football question first: I’m doing fantasy football for the first time, because I’m deployed to goddam Iraq in support of Operation New Yawn and I have an absurd amount of free time and my warfighters have been issued hugs and kisses instead of rounds. I would feel guilty about how little I’m doing, but it’s my fourth deployment and frankly I’m loving the rest. I’m buying a Dodge Challenger and working out and not paying taxes, and it rocks.

Something that civilians may not realize: service members do not have their income taxed while deployed to combat zones. A totally fair and deserved perk — until you realize that sailors enjoy that benefit while sitting off the coast of Kuwait. Fucking Navy.

So in an attempt to stay busy and maintain an interest when I probably won’t be seeing many games, I’m taking the fantasy leap, which I’ve avoided before because I felt like it 1) would take up that much more time, when I already spend entire weekends drunk on the couch, and 2) because my friends who are way into fantasy and gambling seem to end up caring more about that than their teams (rooting for one player to perform, but not so much his team beats the spread, and not really caring about the game, etc.).

You still root for your team to win. The Seahawks are always my #1 rooting interest. Fantasy football and gambling just make EVERY OTHER GAME instantly enjoyable.

I’m playing in a Yahoo! Sports league that seems to be set up pretty standard, and my question is: what are some basic, no-shit draft tips for a total beginner?

My standard recommendation to everyone is to find a nice balance between drafting for need (i.e. filling all the positions) and taking the best player available. For example, there’s a time in every draft where there’s a run on the handful of good tight ends, and you have to decide if you want to reach for a good tight end (there aren’t many) or take a player who presents better value for the round. There’s no hard and fast answer, you just have to go by feel.

Yahoo has a nice little feature that allows you to sort all the players by your assessment of their value versus the Yahoo standard. It’s got an easy-to-use drag-and-drop functionality, and you can use it during your online draft (players disappear from your list after they’ve been drafted). It’s not a hard-and-fast way to determine who to pick next, but it’ll give you an idea of who you think is the most valuable player on the board.

Sex question second, which I would probably pass on but you’re prior service and you also asked for questions, so I figure fair’s fair if you help with the first one. I’m recently married to a wonderful woman (no, it’s not a predeployment thing–we were together for almost two years and properly engaged, etc. prior). After I flew out, she got PCS orders to a base that’s as far away as possible from where I’m at without going OCONUS.

That would be Outside the CONtintental United States for our civilian friends.

I can’t join her for a while because there are no slots there for me, and I just started at my job regardless and I love it–great unit, great bosses, great co-workers, great mission. I genuinely love her, and our sex life is good, giving, and game.

Ah, a Dan Savage reader. I like the way people who send him submissions all have clever acronym names (someone did it here last week, and I failed to properly praise that person). Half of the people who write into this mailbag don’t leave any kind of handle, so I just make stuff up. Step up yo’ game, readers!

But I’m a dude and 2 to 3 years with only periodic visits (we’re both officers, but flights are still expensive, and time is the bigger limiting factor…I can’t take leave every month) is a hard thing to face. Are periodic, out-of-town side pieces with no emotional involvement acceptable? If yes, what are the caveats?

I wouldn’t know — you’d have to ask your wife. If she’s cool with it, it’s not a problem. (NOTE: most wives are not cool with it.)

If you’re talking about a piece of strange on the sly, then no. Not acceptable. I’d also like to remind you that adultery is punishable under the Uniformed Code of Military Justice. If I remember correctly, a court-martial is generally bad for an officer’s career.

Follow-up, she’s intimated that a threesome is not out of the question as a post-deployment treat (I know this deployment is a joke, I think of it as just a belated gift for the ones we weren’t together for). No pressure on my end, it was freely offered (and I was honest in my acceptance). I know she might back out at any point, so I’m not counting on anything until it happens, but I’m admittedly hopeful. I’m leaning towards high-end escort as the third, because there’s no post-threesome social awkwardness and said escort can be briefed on expectations prior to threesome, hopefully minimizing the risk of mid-threesome issues. Any thoughts / guidance?

To bring it full circle, if I win the league, I’ll spend the money on said escort.
Thanks!

Not really, just a high-five for you. It’s my firm belief that any service member who survives four pumps to a combat zone is entitled to a threesome with his wife.

**********

Greetings sirs, chick reader here!

They DO exist!

Football first, I suppose: So supposedly the lockout should be sorted out by Thursday? Or at least that’s what I’m banking on? Otherwise I vote in favor of cancelling Sundays, because I don’t really see the point without football. That’ll be all for that subject…

Well, it’s Thursday, and the lockout is still going on. From what I hear, it’ll be another two weeks to hammer out the rest of the details. But a positive outcome seems likely.

On to sexytime. I wish I had a much more attractive topic to write in about, but unfortunately my much anticipated first-submission to this is moderately embarrassing. Either way, I know the soon-to-be-mentioned douchebag reads this site so I’m hoping you’ll either side with me and he’ll change his mind (very unlikely), or you’ll set me straight. Onward…

So I’ve been sexing this dude for four years or so (dated, broke up, fuck buddies, sworn enemies, back to occasional fuck buddies due to hate sex, SCORE!). I don’t really care what he does on his own time but he’s a great option for when I’m home & occasional visits. This past spring when we weren’t speaking he raw-dogged this horribly slutty Asian chick that I’ve hated for years. Fast-forward two months later…and I discovered that I had an STD. I asked him to be very thorough in telling me his sexual partners, to which he obliged, and in between fucking me and her…there was only one other girl. AND he never actually had sex with her. He warned that girl, she got tested, everything came back negative.

I have now asked him to please contact said slutty Asian, and he is refusing. His reasoning is that he wants to “put it all behind him” but I’m pretty sure that its just because he wants to bang her again some time in the future and he doesn’t want her to think negatively of him if her tests come back negative as well. I think that I deserve some closure and finality in finding out who passed this along to me…and I think that (in fairness) she deserves to know that she might have something and may be passing along to unsuspecting others. I’ve asked him numerous times to please just confront her about it, but he can only forsee it making things worse. I obviously think that he is taking the selfish route…A. because he is the most selfish person I know & B. because while it may make things worse for him (and for me it doesn’t make the disease go away–it simply makes me feel better) he honestly doesn’t deserve to avoid the subject. I’ve considered messaging her myself, but I told him that I will heavily weigh all of the ups and downs of both his and my own argument before making my decision. Therefore…I’ve come to you.

Am I crazy for wanting to know where I got an STD from? And am I a psycho for wanting to confront her? Lastly, should you side with me–is there any way to get through this guy’s thick-headed-ness?
Sincerely yours,
I’ll show you my tits if you post my question on your site.

Oy.

Okay, there’s a lot to sort through here. Let me tackle your questions one by one so I don’t get bogged down in the details.

Am I crazy for wanting to know where I got an STD from?

You already know where you got an STD from. You got it from that dude you’ve been fucking on and off for four years. What, you want to find the girl that gave it to him? And then what? Harass her about getting an STD? Maybe grill her about her sexual history so you can track down the guy who gave it to her? After that, maybe you can travel the country annoying the shit out of people to find out the family tree of your STD. You can become an expert on the STD’s genealogy, tracing it all the way back to the Italian immigrant that brought it to Ellis Island.

Fuck that. You got the STD from that dude. That’s it. That’s what happens when you fuck people who aren’t in a monogamous relationship with you: you place yourself at a greater risk to get a sexually transmitted disease. Shit happens.

And am I a psycho for wanting to confront her?

I woudn’t say “psycho.” It’s natural to feel angry and ashamed — and to want to find someone to shoulder the blame. But I don’t see why you have to hunt down the woman who gave your dude the STD when the dude is right there in your “Casual Fucks” circle. Here’s an idea: how about instead of calling other women “horribly slutty,” you accept some responsibility for your actions, recognize that it was probably stupid to spend four years fucking around with someone who can’t offer you anything more than an orgasm, and move on.

Regarding the “she deserves to know she needs to get tested” aspect: well, yes. You have a point there, and the right thing for Mr. Selfish to do would be to tell her. I’m sure you can threaten him with “If you don’t tell her, then I will” — but then you put yourself in the unenviable position of having your finger on the nuke button. Because let’s face it: you’re not letting her know for her sake, you’re letting her know because you’re pissed off and you don’t like her.

So what happens when he calls your bluff and you confront her? You go to tell her, and maybe she’ll thank you and go get tested. Or maybe she’ll go to Mr. Selfish, and he points her to this little Internet column and says, “She’s lying! Just look at this crazy screed she put on the Internet! She called you a horribly slutty Asian chick that she’s hated for years!” Then everybody’s all pissed off at each other, and best-case scenario is you’re the mean chick with an STD.

Lastly, should you side with me–is there any way to get through this guy’s thick-headed-ness?

Well, I’m not really siding with you, but I’m definitely not siding with the guy, either. I’m sure he’s just as thick-headed as you say he is. But I have to wonder: what have YOU done to curb his selfish behavior over the years? Oh, that’s right: you’ve continued to sleep with him for years after your break-up without asking for (or offering) any kind of emotional investment in return. You probably can’t change how he behaves, but you can cut him out of your life and change your behavior.

…right after you show me your tits. A deal’s a deal, baby.