Chad Ochocinco is well-liked by football fans across America, except by me. I can’t stand the guy. He hasn’t done dick since Houshmandzadeh left town and last year he and TO rode a tidal wave of mediocrity into a nine-game losing streak. While Chad seemed to have trouble catching balls, he had no trouble catching headlines, seemingly spending more time working the camera than working on his game. That’s not fun to watch when your team is busy making Ryan Fitzpatrick look like Joe Montana.

Those unfamiliar with Bengals owner Mike Brown might think of his refusal to trade Carson Palmer as the ultimate act of stubborness. That actually came two years ago, when the Bengals were offered two first-round picks for Chad Ochocinco. Brown said no.

Yesterday, Ochocinco was traded to the Patriots. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, Chadwick.

Albert Haynesworth. Shitty attitude. Horribly underperforming. Fat.

Traded to the Patriots.

Wouldn’t it be great if we could take the worst people in our lives and just trade them to the Patriots? Just send them off to personality rehab where they would eventually get their shit together and fulfill their potential? The tradeoff of watching them succeed is totally worth not having to deal with their misplaced self-aggrandizement. Out of sight, out of mind.

You are picking one person or celebrity that you would banish from your life in a blockbuster trade to New England. Don’t be afraid to get meta if you’re capable of explaining yourself. It can be a tired celebrity or some asshole in your actual life. Pick. Wait ten picks. Pick again.

I’m taking Harrison Ford, who simply doesn’t have the decency to choke himself to death in a closet while wearing fishnet stockings already. Coach wants to see you, Harrison. Bring your playbook and that stupid earring of yours and let’s get this over with.