Okay, I’m writing this mailbag in the wee hours of the night, having yet to pack for a cross-country flight that leaves at 9:30 in the morning. Therefore, the theme of this week’s mailbag is “what it’s like to get advice from an exhausted and distracted grump.”

Sail these waters carefully, grammar pirates. Methinks typos lurk in the rough seas ahead.

Dear KSK,
College sex (sorta): I am a college-bound kid going going to a pretty big party school. Now, I am big but do work out and eat right, borderline depressed, lonely, and have no lasting fiends from high school. I probably would’ve gone to a small private college (it would’ve probably fit me better), but (being strapped on cash as my family is) I chose to attend the party school because they offered me their highest non-athletic scholarship. I’m not a party person, don’t drink, don’t do drugs (none of the last two necessarily by choice, more like, “I come from a poor family, so I really shouldn’t spoil what I have” along with the fact that I’ve never been in a situation where anybody cared to offer me any,”) or like crappy music. I’m also just not a great friend-maker, as in I’m not very attractive physically or someone that has a ton of confidence to just walk up to someone. Despite all this, I’m not a weirdo. I was a football captain on my team (as voted by the players), kids in my class actually liked to talk with me… I’m not the kid in the corner listening to marilyn manson with horizontal wrist scars. I’m normal. College is painted out to be this great thing by movies I’ve seen, adults I’ve talked with, and the money-grubbing institutions themselves. But I feel like I’m going to be unhappy, friendless, and studying and working out relentlessly just so I don’t self combust. Do you have any advice (therapy is too expensive)?

You said it yourself: you’re normal. Anyone who’s worth a shit feels out of place in high school, because the culture of high school is to ridicule individuals.

I apologize in advance for the overly long anecdote, but I think it’s relevant so here goes: I was truly lonely in high school in southern Illinois. I was a brutally late bloomer: I started my sophomore year at five-foot-one and 100 pounds. I was an excellent student who didn’t want to hang out with my fellow nerds, because I wasn’t socially awkward and didn’t have acne and didn’t like talking about math. I sang in the choir but felt uncomfortable hanging out with the choir kids, because their parties mostly consisted of playing improv acting games. I worked really hard writing and editing the school newspaper, which nobody gave a shit about. And so I left for college and was like, “fuck everybody” and joined the Marines.

Fast-forward nine years. I live in New York, and one day in the Union Square subway station I bump into the cheerleader who sat next to me in high school French class. She had been the prom queen and had all the traits that come with that crown: attractive and friendly and cool and blah blah. After that random encounter, we ended up dating for a little while, and I learned that she had felt out of place in high school, too. And I was like, “Bitch, you were popular!” But she was serious. Apparently it’s just something that all normal people go through. High school is shitty and awkward.

ANYWAY. Your question is about college. “Boo hoo hoo, I’m going to a party school.” Tell you what: I’m gonna table your question. Write in again after the first month of college and let me know if you’re still worried about being unhappy and friendless. In the meantime, relax, be friendly, maintain a positive attitude, and try to remember the names of people you meet. It’s gonna be fine.

(Also: (sidequestion) Has there been a college movie where someone doesn’t have a great time [minus those college horror films where hot chicks get killed while having a good time]. I mean even the guys in revenge of the nerds have the panty raid. The only movie I’ve seen where someones life sucks in college is Prozac Nation, and even then Cristina Ricci still made a friend instantly, had a guy, and never throughout the film seemed to go to class or study. She was just depressed because she sucked at writing.)
-Frosh

The Social Network, you may recall, is about a college kid who’s unhappy with his social standing. Noah Baumbach’s Kicking and Screaming is a little slow, but it does a good job of capturing the malaise of graduating seniors facing the world. Everyone in Rules of Attraction screws over someone else, and everybody ends up unhappy. Tobey Maguire’s character in Wonder Boys is obsessed with suicide, but it doesn’t really feel like a movie about college, and anyway you’re better off reading the book. St. Elmo’s Fire is unlike other college movies in that it’s an obnoxious pile of shit. Basically, if a movie portrays college students in a realistic way, it’s not a very good college movie. I’ll take Animal House any day of the week.

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To the Dukes of Dick-Sucking: From what I’ve heard, you guys have had a weak mailbag the last few weeks, so Imma try to use it to my advantage.

Actually, last week’s mailbag was pretty robust. You have outdated information.

FANTASY: I am an Eagles fan, and I hate Michael Vick with the passion of one thousand burning suns. He’s an overrated piece of shit who lofts passes and gets incredibly lucky when one of the young receivers picks it out of the air and saves his black ass.

Yeah, he barely has any arm strength or accuracy.

He runs back-and-forth for 20 minutes on one play and after he picks up 5 yards and falls down he’s praised for his “agility”. I don’t get it, and I probably never will…

Keep talking. I’m gonna watch these sick highlights of him throwing touchdowns and making tacklers miss in the open field.

But it doesn’t negate the fact that he’s a great fantasy option. My friend picked him with the very last choice in our league last year and I laughed in his face. Well needless to say sixteen weeks pass by and he cashes in BIG TIME. So I was wondering where you guys think it’s acceptable to take Mr. Mexico this year. Obviously, he’s not a running back (although he should be because it’s all he’s good for),

*cough*

so he won’t go in the first 7-8 picks. But after that is he worth taking with the likes of Brady, Rodgers & Manning?

Yes. I’d even take Vick over Manning (but not Philip Rivers). Sure, Vick’s likely to get injured at some point this season, but Manning is 35 and has never had a serious injury. He’s due! *crosses fingers*

Also, we should probably address what a flaming asshole of a fan you are. Like, it would be okay if your objection to Vick was that he’s a dog-killing felon. Totally legitimate complaint. But your entire argument against him is that his “black ass” completes passes to his receivers and makes five-yard gains after dodging tackles.

In 12 games last year, Vick completed 63% of his passes for over 3000 yards and 21 touchdowns to just six interceptions. He ran for an additional 676 yards and 9 touchdowns (at 6.8 yards a carry, not five, FYI). His passer rating was 100.2, fourth-best in the league behind Brady, Rivers, and Rodgers. He led his team to a playoff berth, where they lost a home game to the eventual Super Bowl champions who beat everybody they faced on the road. He’s an excellent quarterback who had a brilliant season for a very good team.

Oh, but you don’t like the arc of his passes? Fuck you. Do you realize there are only, like, ten or twelve good quarterbacks in the NFL at any time? Every year, two-thirds of all NFL teams start some useless hump like Chad Henne or Ryan Fitzpatrick or Alex Smith, and you have the temerity to bitch about how much you hate your team starting Michael Vick. Eat a dick.

OTHER QUESTIONS: Remember I’m taking advantage of you. So just lay back and let it happen.

Whatever.

1.) My best friend has decided to take the leap and marry his girlfriend. And at the same time, he’s asked me to be his best man. While I am more than willing to take on the role, I’m not quite sure what it entails. I know I plan the bachelor party and am expected to make some short, drunk speech at the wedding, but is there anything else I need to know?

No. That’s it. Except you get drunk after you make the speech, or else everyone at the wedding will come to the same conclusion that everyone reading this mailbag has made.

2.) Please analyze this situation for me: Be on a dating website, get a message from someone who I used to be friends with in high school (I’m 23). Talk on and off for a few hours and eventually get a number. Am I in due to the context (dating website) or is this just friendly catching up?
I await your responses with baited faps.
-Jackass Who Didn’t Leave a Name

You’re in. I suggest taking her to a Phillies game. You can tell her all about how you admire Chase Utley’s grit while denigrating Ryan Howard’s laziness.

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Dear Caveman,
I’m a long time reader, first time writer. I hope I don’t embarrass myself the first time out.

Football: 12 teams, 2 keepers. By far the least money invested, but by far the most trash talking invested. My options are Matt Ryan in the 4th, Ladanian Tomlinson in the 5th, Kenny Britt in the 6th, Mike Williams (TB) in the 7th or Matt Cassel in the 9th.

I’d keep either Britt and Williams or Cassel and Williams.

Relationship(sorry)/Sex: I asked a girl out 3 weeks ago. Because it would be a long distance relationship she’s taking her time to decide. In the meantime I decided to go off on a fling with someone else. Is that cheating?

No. You can’t cheat on someone you’re not in a relationship with.

Do I even have to tell the other girl?

Um, no. “While you think about whether you want to date me, you should know that I’ve been sleeping with other people.”

The fling was for my virginity (whoopsie), which brings me to the sex part of this question. Is it normally difficult to finish if you are wearing a condom? We went for an hour before I finally finished with my hand (she’s lazy). I just want to make sure that everything is working properly or if I should go see a doctor.
– Jeremy in West Virginia

Again, everyone’s penis is different, from size to shape to sensitivity. But no, it’s not unusual to have trouble coming when you’re wearing a condom. You probably need to stop grabbing your dick so tightly while jerking off. Relax your grip a little.

Also, I like that your reasoning for finishing with your hand is that your lover is lazy. Dude, you just fucked her for an hour and didn’t come! She’s tired. You can’t hammer away at a pussy for 60 minutes and then expect the woman to enthusiastically suck you off when you can’t pull the trigger.

**********

CC,
There’s this girl who I went out with a few times about a year ago. I don’t think the timing was right for either of us at the time, and we mutually agreed to go our separate ways. We know a lot of the same people, and many had vouched for her as a good head on her shoulders type of girl…has her shit together etc. Over the course of the past year, we’ve run into each other out at the bars and things are friendly and flirty, and she seems to have gained more interest recently (more suggestive, more flirtatious etc). I mentioned to a couple of friends that know her as well that I had been running into her recently and how she seemed more interested and that I was thinking about making a move again. I got the same story/reaction out of everyone that I told (all independently of each other mind you) – the girl has gone off the deep end. Apparently she has spent the past year snorting every drug in sight, spreading her legs for any guy with a pulse, drinking herself into a nightly stupor, and capping it off with a suicide attempt, which is now covered with a tattoo of some stupid fucking saying or some shit…I dunno.

Hearing all of that 100% killed my desire to try and date this girl. I dated a girl with some mental issues in the past, and umm, yeah, fuck that. Never again. My question is one of morality. Does the fact that I know she’s dealing with a lot of issues make it wrong to try and hook up with her? I mean, on one hand, if she’s hooking up with all these other dudes, and I just want a night of fun, seems like both parties are looking for the same thing. On the other hand, part of me feels like I’m taking advantage of a girl who’s life is clearly a fucking mess right now.
Thanks,
Todd Nizz

This is why being a man is so awesome. “Sure, she’s a suicidal drug-abusing slut, but I have a boner.”

On one hand, there’s nothing wrong with two adults enjoying consensual sex. On the other hand, crazy doesn’t take a day off. What you think could just be a fun drunken hook-up might end up with your apartment on fire or a dead girl in your bathtub. No thanks.

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Dear Wielder of the Big Club,
Sex first: My wife of nearly 11 years recently informed me that we are getting divorced. Here are some convenient relationship bullet points, since I’m an engineer and you value concision:

  • She was 19 when we got married is now 30 going on 19 (still an undergrad after several attempts at college, hasn’t really ever worked for any length of time, I’ll be supporting her financially for the next year in return for her not seeking alimony for a longer period of time, etc.)
  • I’m moving out of our rented house in Champaign, Ill., at the end of the month into a small apartment a mile or so away
  • I was 24 when we got hitched and a bit of a Magary-esque late bloomer, so this is really the only relationship I’ve ever been in (and the only person I’ve had sex with)
  • We/she didn’t want kids, so I had a vasectomy six or seven years ago
  • I struggled with impotence on and off mostly because I have little self-confidence in that area, which is kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy; it was a source of conflict in our marriage, and I have a prescription for Viagra

So, I have a few questions: What’s an acceptable amount of time to wait before attempting to date?

Negative 20 hours. Start dating yesterday.

If I meet a nice young lady, at what point should I bring up the vasectomy — I lack both the ability and desire to reproduce — and is that likely to be a positive or negative attribute?

Mention it after you start having sex with a woman, but before it becomes a serious relationship. If you date women who want to have children, it will be a negative attribute. If they don’t, positive.

Any chance that my impotence will miraculously cure itself in the presence of a different partner?

Hell if I know. Stick with the Viagra prescription for now. That’s not something you want to leave to chance with a new sexual partner.

And finally, there are a lot of single, attractive, female grad students about; as a 35-year-old, how young is too young?

The age of consent in Illinois is 17. Up top, bro!

Outside of legal constraints, a common rule of thumb is “half your age + 7″, which means you shouldn’t go any younger than 25. But hell, you’re a 35-year-old divorcé who’s only been with one woman. Don’t be picky.

Fantasy Football: I’m not a FF player, and I’m at work, so I can’t seek out any excellent and obscure photos to send your way, but that Alison Brie sure seems like she’d be a fun person to spend an afternoon with, huh?
Best regards,
Back In The Saddle?

Are you telling me to find my own Alison Brie pictures to insert into the mailbag? Fuckin’ A, I gotta do everything around here. *Sigh* Very well. But I’m putting them on the next page, because GIFs can take a while to load. You want ‘em? You gotta give me another pageview.