Hines Ward: Velee bad idea to ret Rongrastname firr my vehicerr with arcohor and loofies. Unchalactelistic rapse in judgment foll NFR’s smaltest leceivel. It be okay. I am dlive extla safe.

[Drives like Asian]

[Sideswipes car with Ravens bumper sticker for no reason]

Awwwww nerrrrrrrr! I am being in deep revel of tlouberr this time. Okay, okay. Bleaths. Supell big bleaths. No am good to panic. Pray it coor. It wirr arr be arr light. This Geolgia. They rove me foll correge time. And Rongrastname plove you can get away with anything if you pose for photo with porice officells. I get leady big photo smirre face!

[Pulls over]

Officer: Sir, have you been consuming alcoholic beverages this evening?

Hines: Nerr. Nerr dlink.

Officer: There appears to be a great deal of booze pouring out of your driver’s side window.

Hines: Oh, yes, that. That big plank that prayers pray on me. HA HA HA HA! Big fun! You am raffing. I see smirre. It obvious that I am no dlive and dlunk. You want photo now?

Officer: Sir, I observed you driving erratically and now that I have pulled you over, I see that you have a large quantity of exposed alcohol in your car. Please step out of the vehicle so that I may administer a sobriety test.

Hines: Fine. I wirr do. I wirr do. But you wirr see that I am have most sobliety of any leceivel. I no Blayron! I no Donte Starrwolth!

Officer: Please walk along this white line.

[Hines walks line perfectly]

Hines: Ha! So easy! You am see? Sobliety 100 pelcent! Can win dance competition if I want. Light now! I show foll you!

Officer: That won’t be necessary. Right now I want you to recite the alphabet backwards.

Hines: Fine! I do! So easy!

Z…

Y…

X…

Dobber U…

V…

Nolmar U…

T…

S…

L…

Officer: Stop. The letter “L” does not precede the letter “S”.

Hines: Nerr. Wait. You am not undelstand!

Officer: Please place your hands on your vehicle. I am placing you under arrest and charging you with operating a vehicle under the influence.

Hines: Wait! You not even want photo?

Hines: This am no photo I have in mind.

[Drunk tank door flies open]

Pacman: CHUH CHUH. Where dem drunk bitchez be at? Pacman down widdit. Pacman find hisself a drunk-as-fu*k prison bitch and put her in da slamma. Lock da pussy down with five years hard labor. Got dis neck brace on. U think that stopping pussy from gettin ate? OH NAH. Pussy getting ate. U put a iron mask on him, Pacman still gone eat dat pussy. THEN HE GON DRANK. PACMAN BEEN HAD THE DRANK. BUT HE GON DRANK DRANK SOME MO. Ain’t a real drunk tank til Pacman do shots in it.