Via

Jack McCaffery of the Delco Times has been noted for his craziness elsewhere on the internet, so his most recent offering shouldn’t be that much of a surprise. But that doesn’t mean it’s not hilarious. Put on your floaties, because we’re going straight off the deep end.

NFL’s lockout farce simply a ratings rouse

The ratings were asleep? I don’t know, I’m pretty sure that’s not the case. Maybe you meant “ruse,” which somehow makes even less sense. Unless you’re insane.

The contracts will be approved, the marathon TV watch will begin, and by business hours Friday, the NFL will be back.

WOOHOOO! Can I get your word on that, possibly crazy person?

After that, it will take little more than another week before major trades will be brokered and made, free agents will agree to contracts, seven full rounds of drafted rookies will sign, practices will begin and superior athletes will start to professionally execute the most complex football plays.

The Annexation of Puerto Rico doesn’t just happen. You have to practice that shit.

All of which will prove that it can be done that way … unless there is another motive. And if that motive is to artificially tease the fans for months into discussing player movement and obsessing over unsigned contracts, then the victims can blame themselves.

What?

So just remember that next offseason when some draft choice is holding out or a player transaction stalls: None of it is more than manufactured nonsense designed to worm football conversation out of people.

What?

And then, be strong. And then, resist.

Because the NFL will have proven that everything important really can be accomplished in a snap.

Except for labor negotiations. But we all know that those are just a show designed to pique our interest in legal minutiae.

The Eagles are going to be good in 2011.

Unless that’s what they want us to believe.

Very good.

I’m sorry, how good?

That good.

And that means…what?

Championship-ready good.

Ah, my old apartment was cable-ready good. But if I wanted full-on digital cable I had to set up an appointment. Now I know that they were screwing with me to get me talking about Comcast. Classic move. Are we still talking about the lockout?

Don’t even think about offering me an egg-smothered “breakfast pizza.”

Apparently not.

No.

I don’t think he’s serious.

I’m serious.

He’s just saying that.

Don’t.

But runny egg yolks make everything better.

That’s a warning.

Seriously guys, do not even think about sending an egg covered pizza to Jack McCaffery at the Delco Times (500 Mildred Ave., Primos, PA).

Don’t.

He means it.

The more the USA women’s soccer team kicks its “We didn’t choke” tour through the talk-show maze, the more it is clear: Its attitude of entitlement is the result of decades of enabling.

Don’t blame the women. Blame us for allowing them to play organized sports in the first place.

I’m recommending investing in Hope Solo “I Don’t Get It” futures. Yes, this one is going straight to the top.

What do you mean you can’t buy futures in not “getting” Hope Solo? Bill Simmons referred me to your brokerage house for this specific reason.

Are the people suggesting that the Phillies need more pitching at the upcoming trade deadline going only for a quick laugh?

Our bullpen is full of holes. LOL!

Or are they just being rudely contrary?

They’re enablers is what they are.

The Phillies need offense.

If I wanted this kind of analysis I’d read Peter King.

Offense.

Could you be more specific?

Hitting, power, base-running, small-ball, line drives, gap doubles, corner triples, upper-deck grand slams, drag bunts.

Sac flies, seeing-eye singles, triple steals, hidden ball tricks, mollywhoppers. You know, baseball stuff.

Thanks to Stephen for the tip.