Casey Anthony: So look, you guys. I’m not SAYING that I actually did it, but if I did, I totes would have had a good reason for it. Do you know how expensive it is to get a babysitter these days? Almost as much as a bottle of Jack! How was I supposed to get my groove on with THIS STUPID KID following me around all the time. And they always WANT STUFF! I had to go to bars and flirt with guys to buy me drinks, just to get away from that.

Yeah, so if I actually did that, I really like saved myself money! Isn’t it SO STUPID that other people actually take their kids with them to do stuff? Sorry, I have a life! I need to be my own person! I mean, that would be a totes valid reason for knocking my child unconscious and duct-taping her nose and mouth shut. What, I have to BRING YOU YOUR OWN AIR, you little jerk?

Some of you people are already calling me the white OJ. That’s so sdumb. Why would orange juice ever be white? It comes from oranges. Duh! If you want to make white orange juice, why don’t you get some white oranges. And I don’t even know where those are.

[door succumbs to moral pandering]

Nancy Grace: Yew!

Yew tot mom! Yew’re a stunning bleu tew justice! LEMME JUSSAY! That yew are a deespicabble hewmin bean! Yew are so EVIL! Yew…yew DIRDY HUSHPUPPY!

Casey Anthony: Ugh. Like, CHILL OUT you dirty old bag. Like, who are you even supposed to be? Are you Glenn Beck in drag?

Nancy: IT’S NAWT RIGHT THAT YEW GITTIN AWAY AWAY WIT THIS! LEMME JUSSAY! That yew got away with MARDER! Yew’re a DEE-SCRACE to tha tawt-mawm communitee!

Casey Anthony: Look, Paula Deen. I’m not saying I drugged that stupid little burden and left her in the back seat of my car for a month, but, you know, if I did, I TOTES spent three years in jail anyway. It’s not like I was giving body shots in prison. Um, as far as you know.

Nancy: LEMME JUSSAY–

Casey Anthony: And how the hell did you get on TV, anyway? Did you win “America’s Got Back-Fat?”

Nancy: LEMME JUSSAY–

Casey Anthony: What’s the name of your show? “Swift Breakfast?”

Nancy: LEMME JUSSAY that everyone knew yew were guilty! The only ones that acquitted yew were the 12 folks that actually watched the entire trial and properly weighed the state’s burden of proof against reasonable doubt. BUT EVERYONE ELSE KNOWS YEW DID IT!

Casey Anthony: Whatever. Hey, I’m thirsty. Wanna do some shots? I’m totes parched.

Nancy: HOW COULD YEW! YOUR CHILD DIED THREE YEARS AGO!

Casey Anthony: Whatever. I’ll bring you back a Big Gulp full of gravy.

Nancy: YEW GET BACK HERE! YEW DON’T APPRECIATE THE FRAILTY OF LIFE LIKE I DEW! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO TALK ABOUT AFTER THE SENTENCING IS OVER? YEEEE-HAWWWW! I AM FUCKING CRAZY!!