Camp Ryan Is Back In Business
07.27.11
Mark Sanchez: Hey, Shonn! The lockout’s over!
Shonn Greene: Yup.
Sanchez: We can play football again!
Greene: Yup.
Sanchez: What a great feeling! I thought we might miss the season, but now we’ve got a chance to finally make the Super Bowl!
Greene: Yup.
Sanchez: I bet coach is totally jazzed!
Greene: Yup.
Sanchez: Have you seen him?
Greene: Nope.
Sanchez: Jeez, I thought he’d be the first one here. Where could he be?
Greene: Beats me.
Sanchez: Say, what’s that big lump over in the corner of the room, under all those newspapers?
Greene: Beats me.
Sanchez: Maybe we should see what under it.
Greene: You go first, white boy.
Sanchez: Okay…
(vagrant newspaper pile flies open)
Ryan: (holds out knife) WHO GOES THERE?! WHAT DO YOU WANT?! I’LL CUT YOU! I’LL CUT YOU GOOD!
Sanchez: Coach?
Ryan: “Coach.” Now there’s a name no one has called me in a long, long time. I was a coach once, you know. BEFORE THE DARK TIMES. Before this land was destroyed. Oh, how I mourn. It’s as if the entire world has been swallowed up by a giant, dripping vagina. There’s no football. There’s no offseason hitting. SOME BAND CALLED OWL CITY IS POPULAR. MAN IS DYING! RUN! RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN FROM THIS PLACE!
Sanchez: Coach, it’s okay.
Ryan: SHUT UP, YOU! What do you know of hope? Can’t you see that GOODNESS AND PUSSYTUBING have forsaken these lands? Every day goes by without football and I drift further and further from reality. YOU LOOK LIKE A ZEBRA TO ME! WHICH IS CRAZY!
Sanchez: Coach, it’s me, Mark.
Ryan: DON’T SPEAK TO ME! Don’t you know Big Ginger is listening? WE AREN’T MEANT TO SPEAK!
Sanchez: Coach, we can talk. It’s okay. The lockout’s over.
Ryan: What?
Sanchez: It’s over. I swear. It ended two days ago.
Ryan: Don’t lie to me, Nacho. Don’t give me hope when there is NONE.
Sanchez: I swear! You must have been here the whole time. Here…
(hands him the PR release)
Sanchez: See? It’s over. We can play football again.
Ryan: You’re not lying to me. If you’re lying to me, I swear to God you will be in a WORLD OF NUTPUNCHING.
Sanchez: No.
Ryan: SWEAR IT WITH YOUR HAND ON A TORTILLA.
Sanchez: I swear.
Ryan: (begins to choke up) Training camp?
Sanchez: Yes.
Ryan: Games?
Sanchez: All of them.
Ryan: STEAKS AND BLOWJOBS?
Sanchez: I guess so.
Ryan: (bursts into tears) Oh! Oh, Nacho! OH I’VE NEVER BEEN SO HAPPY! FROM NOW ON, YOUR NEW NICKNAME IS PABLO PEGASUS, BEARER OF HAPPY ENDINGS.
Sanchez: Okay.
Ryan: Excuse me for a moment.
(goes to bathroom and comes out one second later)
(door flies open)
Ryan: HOW THE FUCK YOU DOIN’, BOYS?
Sanchez: Hey, Coach! You cleaned up fast!
Ryan: Oh, men. MEN. This is a great day! IT’S CHRISTMAS WITH TITS ON TOP! And you’re all here! Pablo Pegasus, and Greene, and Santonio The Penis Guy!
Sanchez: Actually, he’s not here.
Ryan: What about Black Al Unser Jr.?
Sanchez: Braylon? He’s not here either. Free agents can’t practice until next week. And Braylon, like, might not even sign with us at all. We’re kind of shorthanded, actually.
Ryan: Shorthanded, eh? That’s all right. Rex Ryan doesn’t need every tool in the toolbox, believe you me. You hand me six cripples and a ham sandwich, and I will mold them into a WINNING FUCKING UNIT. You’d best reckon that. You men better be in shape, because we are going to EAT THE FUCKING WORLD this season, men. WE ARE GOING TO SMASH AND KILL AND RUIN EVERY GODDAMN THING WE SEE. THIS LEAGUE IS A PUSSY READY TO BE THRUSTED UPON. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!
Everyone: YES!
Ryan: Pablo, are you in shape for fighting and fucking?
Sanchez: Yes, sir.
Ryan: Did you work out?
Sanchez: Every day, sir.
Ryan: Did you hit the tuna wagon?
Sanchez: Well, I mean I think I may have had a few dates here and…
Ryan: Oh! Oh! Oh, little Pablo found himself a new batch of juniors at the Lycee Francais! THAT’S GREAT FUCKING HUSTLE!
(slaps Sanchez on ass, HARD)
Sanchez: Ouch!
Ryan: The secret to good fucking and good football, men: THE POWER IS IN YOUR HIPS. You control your hips, you have LEVERAGE. Now, first order of business, FUCKING HITTING. Everyone get ready… FUCKING TRIPLE OKLAHOMA DRILL.
Sanchez: Actually sir, the new CBA limits our full pad practices.
Ryan: Fine, then… AROUND THE FUCKING CORNER!
Sanchez: We can’t play that either. That’s actually worse than the triple Oklahoma drill.
Ryan: The Gauntlet?
Sanchez: No.
Ryan: Circle of Death?
Sanchez: No.
Ryan: Hungry, Hungry, Death Squad?
Sanchez: Can’t do that drill either.
Ryan: GOD DAMMIT THIS WHOLE LEAGUE HAS GONE GASHY! All right, fine. We’ll scrap the full contact drills. Let’s just share some hugs. Shonn? Give Pablo there a hug.
Greene: Okay.
Ryan: But put on your pads.
Greene: Okay.
Ryan: And don’t use your arms.
Greene: Okay.
Ryan: And lower your head. For extra nuzzling.
Greene: Okay.
Ryan: And hug him REALLY FUCKING FAST.
Greene: Okay.
(hits Sanchez really hard)
Sanchez: OUCH!
Ryan: Yes, that’s it! HUG HIM! KILLLLLL HIM WITH YOUR LOVE!
Greene: Okay.
(hits Sanchez repeatedly)
Ryan: NOW BRING OUT THE HOOKERS!
Greene: We ain’t go no hookers. They cut staff payroll when we got locked out.
Ryan: Well, I will rectify that immediately.
(runs out of building with wad of hundreds)
Ryan: WE’RE BACK IN THE PUSSY BUSINESS!!!!!
Everyone: Yayyyyyyyyyy!
Ryan: FUCKING BRING IT IN.
(everyone brings it in)
Ryan: Men, it’s good to have you back. Truth to tell, I don’t even know how long you were gone, or how long I was asleep over in that corner…
Sanchez: Yeah, I was gonna say something about that. It smells like you pooped a lot over there.
Ryan: ALOSI WILL CLEAN IT! I sat over in that corner for God knows how long, eating canned beans and living in my own filth. I was bereft… adrift… lost. The idea of a world without football, without hitting and killing and mangled fingers and drunken fans throwing beer cups at me… It was more than I could handle. BUT MEN! Men. It’s those empty spaces in your life that end up defining you. It’s what you do with the little accidental bits of free time that separate you from the common man. At some point when I was under all those papers, I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself and to come up with a plan. I promised myself that if I EVER got to coach this team again, that we would be the BIGGEST BADDEST ANGRIEST BATCH OF MOTHERFUCKERS YOU HAVE EVER SEEN. I promised myself that I would turn you men into HUMAN BUZZSAWS, capable of setting the other team on fire simply by looking at them. Able to rip and shred and tear and render other men virtually unrecognizable. AND I WILL KEEP THAT FUCKING PROMISE DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!!
Everyone: Yes!
Ryan: ARE YOU READY TO HUNT?!
Everyone: Yes!
Ryan: ARE YOU READY TO TURN THE WOLF LOOSE?!
Everyone: Yes!
Ryan: ARE YOU READY TO CHUG BLOOD?!
Everyone: Yes!
Ryan: We are winning the fucking Super Bowl this year. We’re winning the Super Bowl, and then we are going out for TITS AND ICE CREAM SANDWICHES. CLEAR?!
Everyone: Yes, sir!
Ryan: FUCKING HANDS IN!
(all hands in)
Ryan: FUCKING TITS ON THREE! ONE TWO THREE!!
Everyone: TITS!
Ryan: Oh, shit! Look at that. There was a pigeon nesting in my ass the whole time.
Sanchez: It’s good to have you back, sir.
Photoshop by Uff
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/global/images/default-avatar.jpg){kind=avatar}
![[image]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/05/cowboysskinstoilet-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/04/Mike-Cerullo-150x150.jpg)
This is the only version of Rex I enjoy.
“Black Al Unser Jr.”
So, uh, THAT was funny.
“ALOSI WILL CLEAN IT!”
Oh sweet baby Jesus. I spit coffee everywhere. Football’s back = Rex is back. Life is complete.
YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Christ on a Crutch. KSK Rex is back, and I’ve never been so happy in my life. Also Santonio, so it’s good to be a Jets fan this afternoon.
Also, I always suspected that KSK Rex came from deep within Drew’s id, but today he is just Big Daddy all over.
SHUT UP, YOU! What do you know of hope? Can’t you see that GOODNESS AND PUSSYTUBING have forsaken these lands? Every day goes by without football and I drift further and further from reality. YOU LOOK LIKE A ZEBRA TO ME! WHICH IS CRAZY!…Don’t lie to me, Nacho. Don’t give me hope when there is NONE.
I say Amen to this righteous, righteous return to normality
Damn CBA prohibiting Hungry, Hungry Death Squad.
I lost it at Hungry Hungry Death Squad
/Drew just produced like 25% of the fantasy team list with one article.
This has just replaced the Bill Pullman speech from Independence Day as the most inspiring thing ever written in the English language. I wipe a tear, and stand at attention. Full, rock hard attention.
I had to look up what a “Lycee Francais” is.
GOD DAMMIT THIS WHOLE LEAGUE HAS GONE GASHY!
so, so true. and so, so sad.
but fuck it! football’s back and my Raiders can suck for all to see once again!! yeehaw!! free pussy for everyone. ‘cept Charger fans… free dick for them.
/dick joke
/wipes tear away
Tits and ice cream sandwiches — two great tastes that go great together.
Thank God that Rex is back.
SWEAR IT WITH YOUR HAND ON A TORTILLA
Hungry, Hungry, Death Squad
so many gems from this one. bravo, sir!
I can die a happy man
\shits pants
the hooker pic is now my new screen saver.
I’m sort of puzzled that Rex and Bart Scott have never “met” in these before. You would think that they would get along swimmingly.
Thank god this is here today.
Yes!
“Big Ginger is listening.”
Also, is that Hacksaw Jim Duggan’s beard?
I am so happy right now. Plus, new material to use with my 10-11 year old football team. I think “tits and ice cream sandwiches” will motivate these kids more than “steaks and blowjobs.”
Pablo Pegasus…Black Al Unser Jr…ALOSI WILL CLEAN IT!
God damn! It’s good to have football back!!
Ryan: Hungry, Hungry, Death Squad?
LOL- hard.
“You hand me six cripples and a ham sandwich, and I will mold them into a WINNING FUCKING UNIT.”
/fact
Fuck yeah Rex is back! And Hungry, Hungry Death Squad sounds like fun.
“Christmas with tits on top” may well be my favorite holiday.
Christmas with tits on top is my favorite holiday
I’m looking forward to these weeks this season, 9/11 Dallas @ Jets, 10/23 Chargers @ Jets. Some great KSK Kharacter mashup potential there.
This is exactly the right way to welcome football back. Just awesome.
A Lycee is just a french high school. But in NYC, Lycee Francaise refers to a specific school on the east side, where the girls wear hiked up gray miniskirts, smoke gauloises and love brooding college guys. Ah, lycee girls, lumiere de ma vie..
can’t believe we haven’t had a marion barber sighting yet
I wonder if I could use Tracy Jordan’s Meat Machine to make a ham and ice cream sandwich?
I’d convert for Hanukkah with Tits on Top.
/8 nights beats one day.
Man- Around the Corner, Oklahoma, Gauntlet and Circle of Death bring back some real football memories for me in this late-summertime. We didn’t do Hungry, Hungry Death Squad, but I went to a dipshit prep school.
The hug/tackle was fucking hilarious.
“Yes, that’s it! HUG HIM! KILLLLLL HIM WITH YOUR LOVE!”
Bravo!
Christmas with Tits On Top will now be the theme of all HoC family holiday cards.
Wait did he ever swear on that tortilla?
HELL YEAH! And I just got wood at work… tits and ice cream forever!
KSK Rex is back, and all is right with the world.
I cannot express how truly happy I am after seeing this
This post is probably the only good thing to come out of the lockout, and it was glorious.
“SWEAR IT WITH YOUR HAND ON A TORTILLA” had me in stitches. Also, I like how Vicious89x’s comment went all the way out of the comment box – that pretty much encapsulates how much joy I feel about the return of both football and KSK Rex.
Christmas with Tits on Top is now going to be observed. No X-mas without Sex-mas.
And bravo at the swear on a tortilla, and the love tackle
The blogging equivalent of Kurt Warner’s game against the Packers in the Wild Card.
That hooker pic gave me a scared but excited boner. Scarecited.
The bindle hobo Rex is carrying is a nice touch. Nice work, Uff.
“Swear it with your hand on a tortilla.”
Absolutely ost it.
Killing with love will be used frequently by this poster from now on. Probably next time there’s hot monkey sex. And I HOPE it gets very awkward.
“THIS WHOLE LEAGUE HAS GONE GASHY”
/James Harrison concurs
All Drew had to do at the end of this post was stare at the back of the room for a second, toss the proverbial microphone on the floor, turn his back, and walk off the stage… the crowd in stunned silence.
When I saw Taco up there I let out a loud YES and had to quickly come up with an excuse for my excitement.
“Christmas with Tits on Top” was the original name of the nuclear scientist character that Denise Richards played in that awful Bond movie. They changed the last name to “Jones” because they thought the Tits on Top part was obvious after they cast her.
True story.
Also, nice work on the photoshop, Caveman, but I don’t know why you went to all the trouble with the beard and hair when you could have just used this image as a starting point.
The Real Rex Ryan is back and I can’t wait for the season opener (Christmas with Tits on Top) and the Monday night live blog. Oh how I missed you.
Time to change the gravatar for the 2011 season.
/steak, blowjobs and footjobs for all
Otto; does it change the story now that she took the plastic out of her tits?
Also, how does Rex feel about plastic tits?
*DOOR FLIES OPEN….
“It’s what you do with the little accidental bits of free time that separate you from the common man.”
What if I read a sports humor blog in my little accidental bits of free time?
I’m so happy, I could kill kill kill, then pussytube for lunch, back to kill kill kill, followed by a nice meal.
SO. FUCKING. GOOD. I think Drew just posted the annual KSK Fantasy Football names column early.
Interesting (horrifying?) that hobo Rex looks just like Timmy Thomas. . . .
Yay football. With tits on top.
All of Rex’s talk of tits made me drift off into a dream-state. I then was jolted back to reality by the thought of “WHAT IF THE SITE REDESIGN CAUSE THE MOST WONDERFUL GIF EVER TO STOP WORKING!!11!??”
Not to worry lovers of tits and ice cream sammiches, it works just fine.
/prepairs for link fail
Did Rex assemble the team with a conch shell?
Link success!
@ThePirateSloth: You said ‘kill killl kill’ twice…
Christmas with Tits on Top is probably the happiest thought anybody could ever have.
“THE POWER IS IN YOUR HIPS.” I’m such a nerd. That reminds me of the Penny Arcade comic where Gabe hit a guy so hard, because all the power is in the hips, playing XBox Live that he knocked the guy offline.
When you think about it, you could have just put a photo of Rob Ryan and still get the vagrant look without the need for photoshop.
Bra-fucking-vo Drew.
@Spanky – I was saving a third kill kill kill for after my evening of Sex Cannon-ing every woman on my island.
I have a busy schedule.
Maybe it will help lessen the grief of having Tavaris fucking Jackson. I doubt it, but I’ll give it my best after this pep talk from Rex.
Merry Titsmas to all, and to all a good night!
You didn’t have to photoshop that pic of Rex Ryan. That pic already exists. All you had to do was google “Rob Ryan.”
@ThePirateSloth: “grief of having Tavaris fucking Jackson”, hey, I don’t mean to harsh your buzzz, but couple that with Tavaris (Tavarious) Jackson starting and not know more than a quarter of the playbook.
Could be worse … Tebow.
Oh! Oh! Oh, little Pablo found himself a new batch of juniors at the Lycee Francais! THAT’S GREAT FUCKING HUSTLE!
And everything is right with the world.
Except the new look of the site. I’ll get over it.
/sheds tear of joy
fuck owl city. fuck them hard. especially 10 years ago when they were called the Postal Service.
This post is the official start of the season for me! Didn’t realize just how much i missed Rex and his rants. I’d run through walls if he told me to.
As soon as I saw the tweet that said “HOW THE FUCK YOU DOIN’ BOYS?”, my day went from sucktacular to awesome.
Pretty sure the Day after Thanksgiving can be observed as Christmas with Tits. My wife usually sends me shopping, during which time I head to a strip club for 4 hours of simulated pussytubing, and then 10 minutes at Sharper Image. I come out looking like a hero.
And……..is it time 2 kickoff yet?
Fictitious Rex Ryan=Drew’s id.
LOFTY id.
Hungry Hungry Death Squad. Welcome back Coach Ryan!
Now it’s football season.
Guess I’ll be looking for a new nickname. Reggie Bush is Miami bound.
Tits and Ice Cream Sandwhiches: What your mother brought to halftime of neighborhood soccer games.
oh good baby jeebus, the Pats just got Haynesworth. We’ve got the fattest DL in the league now.
@ Slothrop – and you still can’t rush the passer.
Is it me, or does the one hooker on the right look a little like Marilyn Manson?
IT’S CHRISTMAS WITH TITS ON TOP!
Yeah, Baby!
@DB: The good news is that Ty Warren is coming back from injury. He might have a huge year.
I put the cursor over the picture of hookers and it says “hookers.” Clarity is needed now more than ever in a world of madness. Thank you.
I had to Google “Owl City,” and fuck me sideways if that isn’t the gayest music I’ve ever heard. It’s like they took the Postal Service/Death Cab guy, who was already weapons-grade gay, from pre-op tranny to full-blown-vagina-made-out-of-his-inside-out-used-to-be-penis.
As they say in Workaholics “That is NOT tight butthole”
Semi-related side note: Can anyone explain to my why the fuck Shaq is in this music video for a song that should be called “Vagina Twilight”?
[www.youtube.com]
@37 secs: Huh?
@1 min 52 secs: Whaaa?
@2 min 25 secs: WHY GOD?!?! WHY DO YOU LOVE KOBE MORE THAN MEEEEEEEE?!?! DID YOU EVEN SEE KAZAAM?!?!
@2 min 58 secs: (off camera) Are you going to In & Out? (on camera) TAKE ME WITH YOU!
@3 min 35 secs: I get it now. It all makes sense…
/wipes single tear
…Thank you
/smiles shit-eating Shaq smile
//tears achilies in three places
” I swear to God you will be in a WORLD OF NUTPUNCHING. ”
Priceless.
Also, “no homo,” he is kinda handsome as a bearded homeless man. That’s a look he needs to capitalize on.
… the other team on fire simply by looking at them.
Spontaneous human combustion x 53, film @ 11.
Hello. My friend
w w w ( l t t s y – t r a d e ) c o m
The new update, a large hot
FREE sHIPPING
WE ACCEPT PYAPAL PAYMENT
YOU MUST NOT MISS IT!!!
thank you !!!
w w w ( l t t s y – t r a d e ) c o m
shenjun you fucking cunt; I AM THE ONE WHO ENDS THREADS!!!!!!
Thank god you’re back!!!!!!!!
Hello. My friend
w w w ( y a h c c ) u s
The new update, a large hot
FREE sHIPPING
WE ACCEPT PYAPAL PAYMENT
YOU MUST NOT MISS IT!!!
thank you !!!
w w w ( y a h c c ) u s