A strange thing happened this week: one of the people who wrote in to the mailbag and rescinded their question out of deference to friendships and feelings and blah blah blah. So, it is on a completely unrelated note that I recommend AGAINST falling in love with a married woman, particularly if her husband is a soldier in Afghanistan. As if adultery wasn’t already a terrible idea, you REALLY don’t want the cuckhold to be a veteran with PTSD and access to firearms.

Just sayin’.

Anyway, enjoy this week’s mailbag. Try to guess which person I’m talking about in the headline.

Dear KSK:
Sex (or lack thereof) first and it’s sort of a two-parter. I’m pretty happy with how things are going with a guy I’ve been seeing for the past few months – he’s a single dad which is most definitely a new situation for me. It’s cool, but it significantly limits the time we get to spend together. But my concern isn’t with his son or anything like that. I’m a little bothered because I can count the number of times we’ve had sex on one hand. Which, in my mind, is odd because I always thought sex tapered off later in the relationship. Granted, we’re both busy people and since he has a kid and all, we really don’t have that many opportunities to get it on. But his son was away at the mom’s house for the past two weeks, so I was pretty hyped, and confident, that I would be getting some. I have big tits and like to bang,

Awww yeah.

so he should be happy to take advantage of that, right? Well, this girl barely got any ass. Normally, I would just convince myself that I’m unattractive and bad in bed, but as mentioned above, i have tits, and definitely know how bad-ass I am in the sack. Plus he hasn’t bailed on all physical contact – he’ll still kiss me goodbye and we messed around a little bit, which is nice and all but at this point, I’d rather a goodbye bang. He’s been exceptionally stressed with work, trying to move, an awful custody situation with the kid’s mom, etc. so I thought (hoped) maybe that was the reason for this drought. So my question is, can significant amounts of stress completely destroy a guy’s sex drive temporarily, or is that just wishful thinking? I mean, logic says that he’s probably over it, but that explanation wasn’t really consistent with some of his actions (introducing me to his friends, bringing his kid around me, etc.). I hate talking about my feelings because that’s awkward but if he just views me as a friend now, I feel like knowing that sooner rather than later would be better for all of us, but I don’t know how to bring it up without adding or creating any pressure or stress. Any suggestions as to how I can do that?

Forget the lack of sex for a moment. Has it occurred to you that someone saddled with a kid, an impending move, a bad custody situation, and a stressful job might not be mentally ready for a relationship? That sticks out to me as a red flag more than his nonexistent sex drive.

As for stress’s effect on sex drive, different men react to different things in different ways. Personally, I find sex to be a welcome respite when I’m stressed out, but not every man is an unfeeling tit-crazed Neanderthal like me. Who knows? Maybe his sex drive is down, maybe he wants to move slowly because his life is up in the air, maybe he’s not attracted to you, maybe he’s coming to grips with the feeling that he’s a woman in a man’s body who just wants the embrace of another man. I remind you that I’m not a licensed professional, just a dude who likes fucking.

Regardless, I think the best course of action is to sit back and let him take the reins. Next time he asks you out, tell him that it’s okay, you understand that he’s busy and stressed, and he shouldn’t feel obligated to hang out with you. Then he’ll be all, “No, no, I want to see you.” That’s when you say, “Well then, you need to step it up and fuck me like you hate me.” That should get his attention. After that, a quick talk about feelings won’t be so bad — “Hey, I like you, and I won’t pressure you, but I need my relationships to be more physical.” If he can’t or won’t provide that, then you have fair reason to move on.

Fantasy: Which is more likely to happen: getting kicked out of your fantasy league because you win too often or because the commissioner’s girlfriend doesn’t like you?
Sincerely,
Dry Spell from Hell

Either situation reflects the worst of each gender. The former would require several men (I assume you play with mostly men) to act like jealous teenage girls, while the latter would require a pussy-whipped commissioner who runs a fantasy league according to the whims of a controlling girlfriend.

I don’t know a single person like that in any of my leagues, because I play with my friends, and my friends aren’t shitheads. So, coming from my position, both situations are totally unrealistic (and not just because I’ll never win too often). If either one of those seems possible for you, you may be better off in a league where people act like adults.

**********

Ahoy Captain,
Fantasy: I need keeper advice. I can keep one of the following: Brady, Hillis, and Forte. Keep in mind that this is a fairly QB friendly league even though scoring is 6TD/2INT and 1pt/50 pass yds. Last year Brady ended with 328, Hillis with 277 and Forte with 252. I’m leaning Brady, but can he really replicate the 36:4 TD:INT ratio?

No.

But then Hillis could be a one-hit wonder?

Possibly.

And I just threw Forte in there cause he had the 3rd most pts on my team (6th place, holla!). Your guidance is appreciated.

Forte’s out unless your league is PPR and you gamble like Krusty the Klown.


“Oh, I thought the Generals were due!”

I’d go with Brady, just because I’d be angrier at Hillis if he flamed out than I would be at Brady if he got hurt again. There’s nothing wrong with making a top-tier quarterback your keeper.

Sex: This is less of a what should I do and more of a request for some calming words of encouragement. My best friend’s girlfriend’s best friend (that is way easier to say) just moved to town from Idaho after graduating college and deciding she had no idea what she wanted to do with her life. Well, my BF’s GF thought that we would make a really great couple and introduced us. Normally, I hate getting set-up by my friends, but this girl is really awesome, fun, easy-going, and at least one level above me in the looks department. Now is where I should mention that she is a 23 year old divorcee (I’m 28). She has no ties to her former life, and wanted to put it behind her so bad that she moved 1000 miles across the country. But she is not in the mindset to have a serious relationship right now.

My problem is that I tend to meet someone I like and my mind goes into fucking overdrive. I start thinking 1, 2, 5, 10 years ahead, instead of just living in the moment.

I have identified the problem: you are a woman.

Now I know she likes me (intel from the BF’s GF) and we have great chemistry. So how can I keep my mind in the here and now, and not A) work myself into a frenzy that this might finally be the one, causing myself to have a nervous breakdown or B) try and push things too fast and end up frightening her to the point that she wants to move another 1000 miles away? I don’t know when I developed the tendency to do this, but I would like to re-boot my mind to high school when I was much more chill when it came to relationships. What say you?
Much obliged,
Cowboys fan by birth/Cowboys fan by choice

You’re going to do what every other smart person does in a fledgling relationship: you hide the crazy for as long as possible. It’s summer; treat it like a fling. Just relax and enjoy getting laid by a younger woman who’s better-looking than you deserve. Maybe by the end of the summer she’ll like you enough to try a real relationship with you, or even think your completely insane over-analyzing of the future is charming. But probably not. Keep that shit hidden.

Also: GF = girlfriend; BF = boyfriend. “BF” is not short for “best friend.” That’s just common sense, man.

**********

Suicide Suppressors,
Sex – Long story (I’ve rehashed it roughly 100000 times in my head and will try and keep it brief). Met a girl last fall who had a long term relationship (2 years ago) with a friend of a friend (an acquaintance to me). I wasn’t particularly close to this guy, but we are/were in the same social circle. I hit it off with this girl and fell hard. This naturally created any manner of drama in our group, including shoving at a bar between him and I, him calling her saying he is going to kill himself, etc. I am seriously falling for this girl as the winter goes along, the sex is mind blowing and daily. But this is always hovering. One day she calls me to say she is spending the month before she starts her new (and first) job abroad with her dad who she has no relationship with and before she leaves breaks it off. That’s all well and good, but as soon as she gets back, she is right back with the ex. This was pretty devastating to me and she wonders why we can’t all be friends.

I don’t know, but it probably has something to do with her being an obtuse moron with daddy issues.

It is now sufficiently awkward and fractured in our friend group as a result. I point out the obvious which confuses her. She still drunk texts me regularly and says she thinks about me all the time, misses me, but is with him, etc. Pretty much a total mind fuck whenever she wants (I know I shouldnt let it…but still).

No. There’s no “but still.” That’s precisely the kind of idiocy you hear from abused women who say shit like, “I know it’s wrong that he hits me, but…” And then they get murdered by the dude because they didn’t leave.

And frankly, getting murdered is a better ending than what you’re doing, because at least death brings some finality to the story. You’re willingly allowing yourself to get jerked around by some dumb bitch because… because the pussy was great? I didn’t see you write anything glowing about her personality.

Everyone I know (friends, family) says to get over this girl, it was for the best, she is psycho, etc… but for some reason I can’t and feel like I lost.

You did lose, dumbass. You lost a person who isn’t right for you, and now you’re losing your mind because you won’t move on with your life. You know, other people have REAL problems, problems like cancer and crippling financial woes and parents with Alzheimer’s and shit that doesn’t go away. Your shit will go away as soon as you stop feeling sorry for yourself.

You’ve got a broken heart. Boo hoo. Join the club. Now stop wasting your friends’ and family’s (and my) time telling your lame story about how dumb you are, then hold your head up like a man and move on with your life.

So was I just delusional and in reality a stepping stone guy?

No, you weren’t a stepping stone. A stepping stone would mean that she moved on to someone else. You were more of a placeholder.

Further, was I in the wrong for dating a girl who used to date someone I know (again, not a “friend” didn’t have his number in my phone or anything)?

No, that wasn’t the problem. Lots of people date more than one person in their circle of friends over time, and it’s something that most adults can cope with. Your problem was dating the flighty bitch.

Items of note: 1) This is the first time I have ever been broken up with so my mind is.

Your mind is what? Not finishing sentences?

2) I met this girl through my friends (hometown) and she has a bad history like this with guys so I suppose I should have seen it coming.

No shit.

3) Before we started dating I was dating her good girlfriend, further, i found out she goes after guys with a girl (the new boyfriend/ex was seeing someone else when she broke it off with me).

All of your sentences have different words in them, but they have the same message: “I am a moron.”

4) The aforementioned potential “daddy issues” 5) I am starting a job soon at the same place she works.
–At least the Packers won the Super Bowl

Way to backload all the important details at the end, pal. And good luck with #5. I suppose you already know that’s a fucking terrible idea.

**********

Dear KSK,
I’ve always felt that I should tell the truth, not hurt people, and just let things happen in life and things will work out. Some things look bad at first but turn out good and vice versa, so why get angry or try to change them? You could be changing them for the worse. Even when I was a kid, people called me “lucky” the way things seemed to work out for me. In school I never brought home a book and was top 5% in a class of 400. Same thing happened in college. One time, my car broken down at 1 A.M. and I walked the 3 miles home, but found a brick of weed on the side of road. Later that summer, my car was stolen and two weeks later the cops found it, only with 4 new tires and a paint job. I got in a philosophical argument with a professor my last semester of college and walked out of class, he gave me an ‘I’ and I had to take a summer course to graduate. At that class, I made friends with a beautiful girl and we smoked bowls and she gave me a BJ every morning before class. As I was paying my final bill for that summer class, I just happened to be there when the new Career Resource handbook was being delivered and I applied to a job advertised therein. Now at that same organization to which I applied, I make $100K/year in a great small town, come and go as I please and I swear I don’t think I have a supervisor. If there’s no work, I just stay home or go golfing and my job is generally someone calling me and me giving my opinion. Stuff like this happens all the time. Basically, the universe shines on me. I don’t deny that and in deference to it, I agree to abide by its wishes.

That sounds great. Fuck you.

Fantasy Football: I was invited to join an established local league several years ago, I drafted Shaun Alexander first and was ridiculed (2005, his 27 TD year). I was ridiculed for starting out 0-5, not trash talking (not my style), not making any trades, and forgetting to sub players on bye (I know). People were demanding I abdicate ownership (maybe rightly so?). I ended up running the table and winning the whole thing. I was not invited back, so no questions.

My two cents: you weren’t kicked out because you won. You were kicked out because you’re an aloof asshole.

Sex/Relationships: My resulting personality and attitude has served me fine with women for short term engagements. But relationships never worked out. If a girl tries to test me to see if I’ll “chase” her by saying she wants space or to see other people, I’ve always wished her well in her endeavors. They generally find my easy-going demeanor and lack of jealousy maddening. But at 25, I finally met a woman who didn’t care. She was 9 years older and let me do my thing and had my same attitude that if someone doesn’t want to be with you, let them go and wish them well.

That was 5 years ago and the problem is that lately, this has changed. She’s much more demanding and not happy if I’m not doing husband-like things or if I want to go do things alone. It’s sort of a bummer but not a deal breaker (did I mention I’m easy going?). We’re not married as I don’t think the universe wants that and I told her that in the beginning. I’m perfectly content growing old with her. The problem is that I’ve been thinking lately about kids (she can’t have any). I’ve come to the conclusion that I would like to have kids if the opportunity presents itself. In other words, if the universe sends me a woman with the care free attitude she had, who can have kids, I’ll probably consider leaving with her. Now my question is should I tell my current woman this? Should I leave now? Should I suggest counseling? I don’t want to be an ass but I may stay with her for the rest of my life, who knows? I won’t ever pursue another woman or cheat but for example, if someone gets hired to work with me and she seems like the one, I’ll probably leave and start anew. I’m afraid she’s cramping my mojo too. In the past, I’ve always fixed broken cars myself, by learning how to do it with friends over beers or books and internet videos. But she demanded I take her car to a shop because it’s faster (obviously). I did and the car broke down 3 times over the next 3 months costing over $5,000! That kind of stuff never used to happen to me. I understand if you think I’m crazy, am I?
Thanks for your input,
FSO

Hold on a second, let me put my ear to the ground and ask the universe.

Hey Universe, what have you got for FSO? Yeah, he really said that. I know, right? Hmmm. Interesting, interesting. Okay, gotcha.

All right, I’m back. The universe says fuck you, it ain’t sending you shit. It also said something about your life philosophy of being a passive recipient of good fortune is the sort of selfish bullshit it expects from aging hippies who’ve never contributed anything of worth to the planet. Then it went on a long rant about how your best bet for being happy is to make some fucking decisions for once in your life. It also said that luck isn’t bestowed upon the easy-going few, but made by people who work hard and try to make other people’s lives better.

Finally, the universe said good luck with being less of a New Age douchebag.