When you think of me, Tim Tebow, I want you to think of one thing: hustle and determination. I want you to think of my love for the game of football and my prediliction for Filipino foreskin. I want you to think of leadership. And now, all of those qualities and more can be delivered right to your door with the new Tim Tebow statue, featuring me. Tim Tebow.

That’s me with the ball.

For the low low price of twelve thousand dollars, you can order a life-sized statue of me! Tim Tebow, playing the game in the way that countless obese caucasian jouralists would swear it was meant to be played. Look at how I’m pointing my finger at nothing in particular. That’s showing leadership. If my teammates had statues, those statues would see how much my statue cared about them.

Wait a second. This says the statue is only fifteen inches tall. Sorry about that.

But that is not all. If you act now, you will receive a copy of my memoir, Through My Eyes. It is the greatest memoir allegedly written by a 23-year-old that you will ever read. You will enjoy the countless tales of leadership and hustle and determination and caring and foreskin. That book is yours with a purchase of the statue, since we can only sell so many of these at church.

I want to apologize again for incorrectly describing the size of the statue. I take my preparation very seriously and I will do better the next time someone decides to mass-market any sculpture of my likeness. I think you will have a much easier time with a smaller statue than a life-sized statue anyway, especially since I don’t think shipping is included.

I want to apologize for not being aware of the shipping costs associated with this product. I will look into that and get back to you right away.

Thank you and Godbless.