Johnny: We got a big swim meet coming up this weekend, Billy.

Billy: Yup.

Johnny: I mean heck, we’re going up against Woodlawn Acres Country Club!

Billy: Yup.

Johnny: Where all the rich kids swim!

Billy: Yup.

Johnny: Tyler Reynolds invited me there once before he decided we weren’t friends anymore. You should have seen the snack bar, Billy. It was amazing. They have eight different kinds of grilled cheese AND a bartender who makes kiddie cocktails. You ever have a virgin rusty nail? Pretty tasty!

Billy: I bet.

Johnny: I just don’t know how a little public pool like us is gonna compete!

Billy: Eh, coach’ll think of something.

Johnny: Oh yeah, who’s coaching us this week? I heard Coach Tamarin hired a sub because he was out on vacation.

(ground rumbles)

Billy: I dunno, but I think I hear him.

(door flies open)

rex4

Ryan: HOW THE FUCK YOU DOIN’, BOYS?!

Billy: Hey, that’s Coach Rex Ryan of the Jets!

Johnny: What’s he doing here?

Ryan: Oh, men. MEN. Men, let me tell you about just how hard I fucked my wife last night. She had on the espadrilles, and damn if I didn’t end up espadrilling her until every damn painting in the house had fallen off the wall. Even the painting I had commissioned of Patton power-raping Hirohito! I MADE THE WALLS BLEED WITH PLEASURE.

(farts)

Billy: Sir, why are you here?

Ryan: Men, your Coach Tamarin asked me to sub in this week, and since that redheaded BULL CUNT Goodell still has us in lockdown, I’ll take any coaching job I can get! I don’t care if it’s a football team, or a swim team, or a track team, or an elite team of sandcastle builders… REX RYAN ISN’T GONNA STOP MOLDING YOUNG MEN TO BE THE PUSSYGRABBING AXEMURDERERS THEY WERE BORN TO BE!

Sally: Mr. Ryan, this is a co-ed swim team.

Ryan: Well, howdy do, little girl? Not to worry. I got plenty of experience with you young lasses too. Nacho brings them around Jets headquarters all the time. Good looking girls, too. The kind you want to anally invade with a garden hose on full blast. I think one of them used to date a boxer. No wonder Nacho can’t keep away. ILLEGAL ALIENS AND ILLEGAL PUSSY ALWAYS GO HAND IN HAND.

(sniffs)

I smell something sweet. Someone here bring something sweet?

Billy: My mom gave me sugar cubes for energy.

Ryan: Oh gimme gimme gimme!

(eats entire box)

Mmmm… ohhhhh… lovely lady lumps…

Billy: Sir?

Ryan: Sorry. Sometime I get in the sugar zone. Now, first order of business… NICKNAMES. Sally, your new nickname is SALLY THE STRANGLER. Johnny, your new nickname is COCKNESS MONSTER.

Billy: What about me, sir?

Ryan: You have big ears, so you get to be DUMBO. Every pool’s got a big-eared kid. And who’s that boy over there with the mini-tits? Every pool’s got one of them too. Little Tit Boy!

Sally: How are we gonna beat Woodlawn, sir?

Billy: Yeah, what do you know about swimming?

Ryan: What do I know about swimming? Son, I was snuggling up against water jets before you were a spot on your old man’s dick. Rex Ryan knows himself some swimming. When I was a kid, my dad took me to a dock. And then he pushed me off and told me SINK OR SWIM. Then he released two sharks into the water and said SINK OR SWIM AND FIGHT OR DIE. Then he started firing his gun at the water and screaming SINK OR SWIM AND FIGHT OR DIE AND KILL OR BE KILLED, SON. So yeah, I know me some swimming. In my day, we had REAL swimming. The crawl was the ROTATING KNIVES. The breaststroke was the TITTYPULL. And the butterfly was the HAMMERSTROKE. And that’s what we’re gonna be doing this weekend. We’re gonna go hammerstroke the SHIT out of those rich dickbags from Woodlawn.

Men…

Sally: I’m a girl.

Ryan: Men AND aspiring ladyfolk… this isn’t gonna be your ordinary swim meet. This will be a SWIM WAR. I want you to smell blood in the fucking water. Do you smell it? DO YOU SMELL BLOOD IN THE FUCKING WATER?

Billy: I think it’s chlorine, actually.

Ryan: YOU NEED TO ROLL WITH ME ON THIS! I look at you and I see a bunch of scared little children. Well, today’s the day you grow up. Today’s the day you grow some hair between your legs. Anyone who thought we were gonna be happy to go home with a yellow PARTICIPANT ribbon and a hot dog can GET THE FUCK OUT now. We are going to attack that water. You hear me? ATTACK ATTACK ATTACK ATTACK ATTACK. We will KILL that water. We will RAPE that water. We’re gonna swim so hard, the lifeguard will be able to blow her whistle with her pussy!

Billy: What does that even mean?

Ryan: You’ll find out in due time. Now, we need to do something about these suits of yours. What the fuck are you wearing, son?

Billy: It’s a Speedo.

Ryan: Doesn’t leave much to the imagination, do it?

Billy: No, sir. Kind of embarrassing.

Ryan: Well, that has to change. From this weekend on, you are no longer wearing those fucking Speedos. You are FUCKING FROGMEN. Take these uniforms.

Johnny: Whoa.

Ryan: I got them on loan from a friend in special forces. These suits are made of double-stitched Kevlar and coated in liquid silicone. And take this harpoon gun.

Billy: Cool!

Ryan: You see any Woodlawn kid pull ahead of you? STICK THEM.

Sally: Is that legal?

Ryan: There are two things in this world that don’t need rules: WAR and juvenile swim meets. Who’s gonna stop you? Any Woodlawn parent that gets in your face, you stick them too. Stick them HARD. And if that piece of shit Woodlawn coach doesn’t like it…

(door flies open)

Dungy: Ryan.

Ryan: Dungy.

Dungy: I understand my students at Woodlawn will be competing against you this coming weekend. I hope you weren’t teaching these young people anything untoward.

Ryan: Wouldn’t dream of it.

Dungy: You should see some of the young boys and girls I teach. So eager to learn. So elegant in the water. So fearing of their Maker. They possess in themselves a quiet strength, a knowledge that, regardless of the outcome, they will have found glory in the effort they gave before God.

Ryan: We’re gonna fucking kill you.

Dungy: I doubt that.

Ryan: We’re gonna hold you underwater until you either come or drown, preferably both.

Dungy: Is that what you’ve been teaching these young folks? Autoerotica Asphyxia? Then, I’m afraid they’ve already lost. Such a shame how kids today learn little more than crassness in place of real integrity.

Ryan: Get the fuck out before I harpoon you, Dungy!

Dungy: (jumps into water, disappears in cloud of black water fog)

Ryan: Goddamn Dunge. You kids listen to me. I will NOT let you lose to that man. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!

Sally: Who was that?

Billy: Yeah, he kinda looked like an egg.

Ryan: Look, I know you’re kids. I know this is just a bit of messing around for you. I know you haven’t learned much about competition yet. But today is the day you begin to. Today you start to learn just what it means to stand over another man and be declared the victor. To know you put everything you had into beating his ass and then did just that. To realize you’re good enough to be better than everyone else. You men can do that today. You men can get in that pool and fucking make BLOOD IN THE WATER. You are not children anymore. YOU ARE BLOODTHIRSTY VAMPIRE SHARKS WHO WILL FEAST UPON ANYONE WHO DARES ENTER THE ARENA. YOU WILL DRAG THEM INTO THE DEEP AND YOU WILL RIP THROUGH THEM UNTIL THERE IS NOTHING LEFT BUT PLANKTON FOOD. Do you understand that?

Sally: What’s plankton?

Ryan: Just bring it in!

(everyone brings it in)

Ryan: I’ll put this in simpler terms. DO YOU HATE THOSE KIDS FROM WOODLAWN?

Everyone: Yes!

Ryan: You tired of them parading around with their fancy drinks and riding around in Mommy’s Land Rover?

Everyone: Yes!

Ryan: ARE YOU READY TO FUCKING KILL?!!!

Everyone: Yes!

Ryan: BECAUSE AFTER THIS WE’RE GOING OUT FOR STEAKS AND BLOWJOBS!

Sally: What’s a blowjob?

Ryan: ICE CREAM! WE’RE GOING OUT FOR STEAKS AND ICE CREAM!

Billy: Can I get a Toasted Almond?

Ryan: Yes! YOU WILL KILL AND THEN YOU WILL GET A TOASTED ALMOND.

Billy: Okay.

Johnny: I know what a blowjob is.

rex2

Ryan: Oh! Oh! Oh, ol’ Cockness has gotten some teenage trim to get to the center of his Tootsie Pop! THAT’S GREAT HUSTLE!

(slaps Johnny on ass, HARD)

Johnny: Ouch!

Ryan: FUCKING BLOOD IN THE WATER ON THREE ONE TWO THREE!

Everyone: BLOOD IN THE WATER!

Billy: Anyone see my nose plug?

Ryan: WINNERS DON’T USE NOSE PLUGS.