FACK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Finally, aftah waiting thirty-nine fackin year-ahs, ow-ah beloved B’s have brawt the Cup back where-ah it rightfully belawnged! Those faggot fingah-eatahs from Eskimoland can EAT MY CAWK! Ow-ah non-NBA non-lazy dahkie Tim Tawmmas showed you what Bawston Pride is awll about!

(dips)

Oh, how we’ve suffahed through the year-ahs waiting fahhh this title! THIS HAS ALWAYS BEEN A HAWKEY TOWN! Except when the B’s ahhh losing, then hawkey is fahhh quee-ahs! And if you ahhhn’t from heee-ah, well then there-ah is no way you could pawssibly undahstand what this means to us, the legendary fans of Bruinland Nation!

They won it for the Revere girls with the big hair and O’Reilly sweaters; for the shot-and-beer guys who pour every dollar of expendable income into the hockey budget…

They won it for you.

At this hour, Everyman Thomas is Tom Brady, Bill Russell, and Curt Schilling. And the Bruins are Stanley Cup champs…

Today would be a good day to call your out-of-town friends and tell them you live in a city that just won its seventh championship in 11 years. You live in the only hamlet that’s won the Grand Slam of North American trophies within seven years.

FACK YES IT WOULD!

(takes out phone)

HouseO: Hello?

FACKIN’ GRAND SLAM OF SPARTS CHAMPIONS, YOU YANKEE LOVING ASSLICKAH!!!!!

HouseO: Dude, you bought that sweater four days ago.

FACK YOU!

(hangs up)

NO TOWN DESERVED TO ACT LIKE FRONT-RUNNAHS MORE-AH THAN US! No othah town has suffahed through such cheap ownahship! We always loved ow-ah hawkey Schillings! We ahhh nawt fair-ah weathah fans! We were-ah just… dormant! Yeah! We knew one day the B’s would make it up to us, and then we’d be there-ah for them! MY DAD IS SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW! AHHHHN’T YOU HAPPY FAHHH HIM TOO? MY DAD IS BETTAH THAN YOUR-AH DAD![1]

[1] – He used to take me to the Gahhhhhhhden to watch the B’s when I was a kid. It’s how I learned to punch people, which came in handy the first time I evah saw a fackin’ Indian move into ow-ah hood!

(loves those Miller Liteguard ads)

We nevah thawt we’d see this day. A dahhhk cloud hung ovah us fahhh 39 yeee-ahs. And today, that cloud is finally gawn. The Curse is no longah with us! I feel like I could rape a THOUSAND dahhkie whore-ahs! This one is fah Cam Neely. This one is fah Ray fackin’ Bahhhk. This one is fah… Well, I don’t remember any othah Bruins BUT THAT WAS BECAWSE I WAS SO TRAWMATIZED! THIS IS A GREAT DAY FAHHH AMERICAH BECAWSE IT IS A GREAT DAY FAHHH BAWSTON! RED SOX IN FIRST PLACE! EAT SHIT AND DIE, LUAWGO! YOU WERE-AH OW-AHH FRENCH JETAH!