Roads may be slippery

Welcome to another installment of the mailbag. If this one feels a little bit longer than usual, that’s because it is. I hope the extra emails were worth the wait. Some of the topics you’ll find below: drafting players you hate, clingy girlfriends, erectile dysfunction, inexperienced 32-year-old women, Calvin Johnson, friends with benefits, pirates, porn, pirate porn, and adulterous interracial sex. Enjoy.

Dear KSK,
Fantasy: What are you feelings on drafting players that you hate. For example, I will never, ever draft a Steelers player because 1.) I HATE the Steelers (Ravens fan here), and 2.) Their fanbase is absolutely intolerable.

I understand where you’re coming from, because I hate the Steelers more than any other team in in sports. I would root for a soccer team from Nazi Germany before the Steelers.

But that wouldn’t stop me from drafting Mike Wallace. That dude’s fucking good.

Not drafting players because you hate a team has the same disadvantage of being a homer and drafting players from your favorite team: it allows other owners in your league to benefit from your biases. And while I would never make a Steeler or a Colt the centerpiece of my fantasy team, I’m not going to ignore Wallace or whichever white tight end is playing for the Colts if they fall to me. It can take the edge off those teams doing well (“Ugh, the Steelers won again? Oh well, at least Wallace got me 11 points”), and if they get injured, GREAT! You didn’t want that asshole on your team anyway.

Sex: More of a relationship question here. How can you get some space from a girlfriend without absolutely insulting her and/or ruining the relationship?

Date a girl with a strong sense of identity and lots of friends.

My girlfriend of two years (we’re both 25 years old) wants to spend pretty much every night together. I love her very much and see this relationship going places but I need my space. I’ve tried talking to her about this but it doesn’t really go anywhere; she says all the right stuff “Oh I understand, I don’t want to crowd you etc…” but within two days, she’s all over my shit again. To make matters worse, none of my friends have girlfriends so they go out frequently and go on fun road trips and do stuff that I generally can’t partake in without having to deal with my girlfriend. I’m not asking to do that every weekend, but I need some time to just hang out with the guys and get stupid drunk and let loose every now and then. However, she doesn’t have too many friends, so if I do that, it means that she will be sitting on home doing nothing. Then I’m in for 3 weeks of guilt tripping. Do I just need to suck it up and realize that this is what happens as we get older and get in more serious relationships? Or is she being ridiculous and I need to either lay down the law?

And yes, I wear camo-pants to every Ravens game – I’m one of those guys.
Thanks for the help,
-Purple Camo

Your desires are completely reasonable and rational, and while I wouldn’t call it “laying down the law,” you need to be more forceful about creating space so that you can maintain your friendships and your sense of self. Granted, part of being in a relationship is giving up some freedom and the time you spend with the guys (which is generally worth it for the sex and intimacy you get from your girl), but there needs to be a happy medium.

A couple in a relationship shouldn’t be a set of Siamese twins that dies when separated. It should be two individuals whose personalities bring out the best in the other person. There should be a lot of trust and encouragement and a desire to make the other person happy — even if that means spending time apart. If your girlfriend would encourage you to spend time with your friends (so she can go shopping with friends or whatever girls do), you might find that you actually miss her when you’re hanging out with the boys. Sounds gross, right? That’s love.

I’m sure your girlfriend is great in many regards, but why doesn’t she have a desire to have her own social circle? Are you really so awesome that she has to spend seven days a week with you?

Spoiler alert: you are not that awesome. She’s needy and codependent. If a night out with the guys equals three weeks of guilt tripping, how do you think that will get better if the relationship “goes places”? Do you honestly think she’ll give you more space if she moves in or you get engaged? Make changes in your relationship now, because they sure as hell won’t go into effect later.

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Dear KSK,
So sex right off the bat, I have erectile dysfunction. Problem is it is only with my girlfriend. I’m 27 and dating a 32 year old woman. In her history she had two sexual partners before me. To demonstrate how innocent she is, she never gave a blow job until she met me. This woman is from a traditional Asian culture and prior to me it was all lights off, sex under the sheets, guy leaves and does not spend the night kind of thing. Before me she’d never been fully naked with a guy or slept over. With me is she trying to be more bold, but is slow going. Lots of issues with getting naked, with me looking at her nude body and things like that. We can be making out, I brush a hand over her breast and she pulls back and grabs the sheets to cover herself.

In bed she is very nervous, sometimes a little childish and basically reminds me if an insecure virgin. It kills my boner, mentally I can go from “this is hot” to “holy shit I’m screwing an innocent teenager” in no time at all. My boner dies and the mood dies with it. In turn this messes with her, gives her body image issues and makes her even more nervous next time. I pick up she’s nervous and the cycle rolls on.

Also I’m back on condoms with this girl and I’m wearing them for the first time in four years. That isn’t helping either.

So far the best advice anyone has been able to give me is to dope myself on Viagra and power through it. They figure after a few times she’ll stop being nervous and everything will work. Your advice is appreciated.

Allow me to sum up what you just wrote: “I’m dating someone who’s so terrible at sex that she doesn’t even arouse me.”

My question to you is, why do you want to date someone who doesn’t get you hard? Why is it your job to teach this 32-year-old woman how to have sex like a normal person? I was a college senior when I felt I was too old to coach someone through a blowjob, I damn sure wouldn’t do it at 27. Let her be someone else’s terrible lay.

That may sound cold (or maybe just practical), but consider the source: you’re getting advice from someone values sex as a vital building block of a relationship. If this girl is really awesome and you think it’s worth the effort of teaching her, the only way she’s going to feel comfortable enough for you to maintain an erection is with a lot of frank talk, open communication, and baby steps in physical intimacy. Sounds miserable to me, but I suppose it could be worth it for the right Asian snatch.

Fantasy football. Should I shop Calvin Johnson around? Detroit is starting to become legit and when Stafford is healthy (aka the preseason) it seems like a good setup on paper. I’m worried though that Stafford will be injured again and Johnson will underproduce as Detroit raids the depth chart. I’m tempted to trade Johnson for a lesser receiver with a more consistent QB and a draft pick. Good move or boneheaded?
Sincerely,
Can’t get it up

Matt Stafford played only two regular season games last year — a Week 8 win over the Redskins, and a Week 9 OT loss to the Jets. Against Washington, Johnson had his best fantasy game of the year: 9 catches for 101 yards and three touchdowns. Against the Jets, his worst: 1 catch for 13 yards on Revis Island (Stafford still managed a 94.7 rating that game, with two passing TDs, a rush TD, and no INTs).

Minus those two games, Johnson caught 67 passes for 1006 yards and nine touchdowns (should have been ten *cough* Chicago! *cough*) in 13 games — he didn’t play Week 17. Assuming standard scoring in a non-PPR league, that’s an average of… Goddammit, I can’t believe I’m doing math for this stupid column… 11.9 fantasy points per game. That’s pretty fucking good with a backup quarterback. Considering that Stafford is likely to play more than two games this year (and that the Lions don’t play the Jets), it would be my assumption that Johnson will have better numbers in 2011.

That said, it’s not necessarily a bad move to trade Johnson, especially if your roster lacks depth. Generally speaking, I’d rather have two solid performers than one great player. (That’s probably why I always make the playoffs but never win the championship.)

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Hiya,
One of those rare and endangered female readers here. Love the site, can feed my football addiction and my morbid curiosity about what guys talk about in the locker room at the same time. Sooooo, thanks for that.

Fantasy: No question. I have expended all available football energy on stressing about there being a season and, if so, what is going to happen to my boyfriend Nnamdi.

Sex question: I have been dating an awesome guy for 4 or so months now. “Dating” might be an overstatement; we have (great) sex, we drink cheap wine, we watch Civil War documentaries. It’s fantastic, and we get on like a house on fire. He’s a coworker and we’re trying to keep it on the DL (I know, I know, shit, eat. Generally good advice, but that ship has sailed.) so we don’t go out a lot. It’s been very casual, not a lot of talk about emotions or shit like that. Which suited me peachy at first, but lately I’ve been wondering where we stand. I’m not much for talk about feelings, but I’d like to know if he sees this progressing somewhere more serious or if we’re just, ahem, having a good time. So my question, oh wise man of cave, is how does one ask that question without having that horrible and depressing “relationship” talk?

Sincerely,
Token Vagina

Nope, can’t be done. Most men can live under a friends with benefits arrangement until the end of time, because it involves our two favorite things: fucking and not talking about our feelings. Women don’t operate that way. They can try to be friends with benefits, but it only ever lasts three to six months before the coolness cracks and the emotions take over. Bear witness, Internet: Token Vagina is a cool woman. She likes pro football and cheap wine and Civil War documentaries and casually fucking her co-workers. And yet even she cannot sustain the FWB relationship.

That said, there’s nothing wrong with having the “horrible and depressing” relationship talk. Men may prefer no-strings sex, but only the most lunk-headed cads would expect a woman to perpetually be standing by with a bottle of two-buck Chuck and a tube of lube. It seems like you and this guy get along well, so I’d approach him with an acknowledgment of what it is. “Hey, I love spending time with you and I think we’re really good together, but as a woman I need to know if this is going to go anywhere.” Then point to your ovaries and say, “These babies runs the show, you know.” Okay, maybe that’s too much, but the gist is this: a frank discussion allows you to either have a relationship or make a clean break.

The path I don’t recommend is a much more established procedure among bad female stereotypes: slowly trap him into a relationship. Leave hair ties at his place. Keep a toothbrush there. Whine about how the two of you never go out and do anything fun. That way, he’ll totally do things for you to make you shut up! He’ll grow to despise you, but it will definitely be a relationship. Girl power!

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Dear Caveman,
My husband and I occasionally enjoy viewing adult DVDs. We have not seen any big budget adult films since Pirates and have no idea what or where to look for new films.

Wait, Pirates? Like Pirates of the Caribbean?

/Googles “pirates”

/Pittsburgh Pirates

/Piracy

/Pirates of the Caribbean

/Googles “pirates XXX”

Ohhhhhh, PIRATES, starring Jesse Jane, Teagan Presley, and Jenaveve Jolie. Of course. How could I forget?

Can you suggest some titles and trustworthy sites where we can get them? The only things we won’t watch are S & M, beastiality.

Why can no one spell “bestiality” correctly? Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Here’s a mnemonic device for horsefuckers and regular people alike: “Anything worth having sex with is no beast, so give bestiality your best effort.” Not my finest work, I admit, but it’ll do in a pinch.

As for porn titles, I don’t know. I don’t think I’ve actually watched a real porn movie with multiple scenes in years. Why not just look up the nominees of the most recent AVN Awards? Monster Cock Junkies sounds pretty good.

In your opinion, what do you think the probability of actually having an NFL season is this year?
Thank you,
T

My opinion has no bearing on whether the season happens or not, and is less informed than Peter King’s. But since you asked: I’m confident there will be a season because there’s too much money to be made. However, at this point I’ve heard too many rumblings about losing 2-4 weeks of games to think that it will be a 16-game season.

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Dear Masters of (I’ve got nothing):

First off, football: So the other day, I caught myself watching a firefighters vs. police officers football game on public access. Is this what I will be subjected to if this damn lockout continues?

No, you just need a better cable package. The rest of us will get by on college football, UFL, and old games on NFL Network.

Now, the sex (or the impending lack thereof): Okay. This girl and I had been dating for a few months now. Not every day, but we were talking every day and saw each other every so often. We went to events together, ballgames, movies, etc. Things have been going great and I really started liking this girl. I mean, we did some physical things, the whole “I really like being with you” stuff being said, she gave me the whole “You’re the perfect guy” stuff.

“we did some physical things” — Thank you for such vivid details. It’s like I’m watching your story on film.

This past Friday, she told me she was going to St. Louis with her friends on Saturday. I told her to have a great time and just be safe. We didn’t talk all day, I figured she was having fun with her friends, no biggie. Later in the evening, she texts me the following:

“I really like you. But I’ve been seeing someone else, and I know sometimes he doesn’t treat me right, but I really like him a lot. He was in my life before you and believe me I wish I had met you before him. I really like you, but please don’t be mad at me because I always felt that we had a strong friendship”

So naturally, I start thinking of all the things we did, the stuff that was said (see above), the time that I had invested, etc. And of course, I’m pissed. At the time, I was out with my brother and a friend, I started yelling at them and throwing glasses (all stupid stuff, I know, but I lost my temper). The next day, I apologized to my brother and friend and explained what happened, they were cool.

Later that day, at around 5 pm, she texts me: “Are you mad at me?”

Now, I could have gone off on her and told her the truth, but instead I told her I wasn’t angry and that if she really wanted to be with the other guy, that I wish her the best of luck. She asked if we could still be friends, and I said yes.

So she dicked you over by seeing someone else behind your back, and you lied to her so she can feel better about it? A daring power play, sir.

We did have plans on going to the Cubs vs. Sox series in July, but today she called me and said she had problems getting the tickets and kept on saying that if she couldn’t get the tickets, she’d give me my money back, but if I wanted to wait, she might have them by the weekend. I told her to just give me my money back because I didn’t want to wait until the last minute. She stopped talking, and said “okay” then hung up on me.

I’m pretty much ready to not talk to this girl again based on what she said to me on Saturday and how she reacted to me asking for my money back for the Cubs tickets. My train of thought is that she was stringing me along and being selfish for the sake of having another man’s attention, and now that I won’t give her that attention, she has no reason to talk to me.

I guess my questions to you guys are the following:

1. Should I still be upset?
2. Was it okay for me to tell her we’d still be friends?
3. Am I wrong with my train of thought?
4. Should I have asked for my money back for my ticket (I’m a yes on this, but I really wanted to go to that series)?

Answers/suggestions/comments/criticisms are all welcome, believe me, I do feel shitty at this moment, but I just had to vent.

Thanks!

You’ve got it all figured out, you just want validation from KSK and the commenters. You know, I excluded a couple other emails from the mailbag without realizing that this one was just a mental exercise for you. So if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to pass on your obvious questions. My apologies to those submissions that didn’t get included this week.

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Dear KSK,
It’s offseason and I’m an average fantasy football player anyway. This submission is about sex. Specifically, adulterous interracial sex.

WOO-HOO! Interesting email!

I work in a professional setting in lower Manhattan

Are you in finance? Because “professional setting in lower Manhattan” has the familiar humblebrag ring of “a little college just outside Boston.”

and met my ideal woman in the store where she works today. She assisted me with a purchase for about half an hour during which there was some light flirting only, as my wife’s younger brother was with me. When she rang up the purchase, which included giving her my address, email and cell number, I joked to him that we would keep a stool open for her while we were at the bar next door. She laughed it off, as she undoubtedly gets hits on much harder than that all day, and we left.

I was back at my desk within 20 minutes when my cell rang. It was her, asking if I was still at the bar. I was stunned. I told her no, but that I damn sure would be within five minutes. She met me there, had a quick drink, and basically made her intentions plain. She’s in the process of a divorce, has a boyfriend, and is evidently not put off by the ring on my finger. She wants to get together within the next few days and go from there. I haven’t cheated before but I’m extremely tempted.

I’ve read this site since 2006 and am familiar with commenters’ responses on this issue. I have joined in vociferously, but without the benefit of having been in this position before. I acknowledge it’s somewhat odd to solicit advice from a single guy on an issue that is really only within the purview of married men, but I already asked my two best friends, and they both told me to fire away and give them details.

Do they also work in finance? Because that would explain a lot.

I admit, I want to do it, but I’m obviously still on the fence. Criticize me scathingly if you will, but I have done the same, until I was put in this position. Now I’m not so sure. I tell you, she is literally my ideal woman. Everyone in the store just stopped and gaped at her beauty and shape. Anyway, any advice would be appreciated.
Thanks,
Anonymous

PS: Oh right, the interracial stuff. I’m white, my wife and kids are black, and so is the new chick.

Preemptively discounting my advice because I’m unmarried is shaky logic. I’ve had my share of girlfriends, and I’ve had opportunities to cheat on some of them — with women I found very attractive, mind you. In most cases, I turned down those opportunities, and it felt good. I mean, sure, my dick was unhappy, but the next day I felt like a decent human being. On the few occasions that I wasn’t faithful, I felt awful — like there was something heavy lodged deep in my chest. There was a time when I cheated on a girlfriend I didn’t even like and I still felt like shit.

And I don’t even have kids! It’s one thing to cheat on your wife, because adults can be real assholes, even to people they love. But to gamble your kids — seeing them every day, helping them grow into people — on a piece of pussy? I don’t know, man. Those stakes are too high for me.

But this isn’t about me. Let’s talk about you, and we’ll use your own logic. In the past, you’ve scolded people who cheated or wanted to cheat, presumably because you felt it was wrong to lie and break one’s vows. And now you’re reconsidering your position on adultery, as far as I can tell, because you stand to have sex with a hot woman. Your moral about-face is predicated on “But this is different because it’s me about to get laid. And she’s, like, way hot.” Your sliding scale of morality speaks for itself. I suspect the person who married your wife would be disappointed in you.

[Images via retrozone (NSFW) and nevver]