Today’s draft supposes this: scientists have selected YOU to be the subject of their horrific, God-angering plan to combine animal DNA with the human genome. You will gain the awesome traits of one animal, but not in a sexy way like Spider-Man, who gets to crawl on walls and have super-strength while still looking human.

No, you will be rendered a horrific hybrid freak. Children will laugh and point at you. It will be impossible to get laid, unless you choose “donkey” and move to Tijuana. But oh, the power! The raw strength and majesty of the animal kingdom coursing through your veins!

I’ll start things off:

Yep, a gorilla. Not terribly original or imaginative, but here’s my thinking:

  1. Super-strength.
  2. Fangs.
  3. Close enough to human to still get laid.

I contemplated a great bird of prey such as an eagle, but I’ve got acrophobia and all the superheroes with wings (Hawkman, Archangel) look stupid. I’d just get my wings caught in doors.