I’d like to thank the readership this week for submitting almost no emails whatsoever, as I was really tired and unable to write about anything too heavy after the last couple weeks, which were all traumatic and filled with rape and murder. So consider this a a nice little back-off week — like an easy yoga class after a bunch of punishing workouts. Hey! Speaking of yoga…
Happy Sinko Day My-Oh Masters of the Wizard Sleeve,
Sex, sort of: I just recently took up yoga and was wondering the etiquette of hitting on gals there, if there is any. I am well aware of your stance on hitting on girls at the gym, but was wondering if it was any different within the confines of the yoga studio. I feel as though the combination of the ratio of (hot) chicks to dudes (19:1, I did count) plus the somewhat and curiously endearing factor of me being absolutely clueless of what I am doing would equal an absolute mistake on my part if I did not take advantage. Is the yoga studio a safe, non-threatening haven for chicks, or is there an appropriate and tasteful way I could ask a lady out after class?
I used to take bikram yoga (aka “hot yoga”) — mostly because it was the only yoga that really felt like an ass-kicking workout, but partly because people wore the bare minimum of clothing, and there were always a couple girls with unbelievable bodies. I mean absolutely SICK bodies: willowy limbs, flat stomachs, awesome round asses. Then they got all sweaty and pulled their legs over their heads, and, well… it was distracting. It’s like a pleasure cruise for your eyes, except you’re supposed to be looking at yourself while you balance on one leg. Not easy.
Anyway, I think you can ask a fellow yogi out, but you need to establish yourself as a regular first. You have to appear to be a guy who’s there to take yoga, not a guy who’s at yoga to pick up girls. Once you get in the habit of engaging in bullshit yoga small talk (“Hey, great class!” “Your standing bow is awesome!”), you can branch out into slightly more meaningful conversation, then eventually drop the ol’ “Hey, I’ve got to go [volunteer at a veterans hospital / meet friends at an underground jazz festival / feed my cats and watch "Grey's Anatomy" by myself], but maybe we can get a drink some time and talk some more?” But make sure you choose your hot yoga girl wisely. It’s not going to be easy to ask out various girls from the studio without becoming the creepy guy everyone wants to avoid.
ADDENDUM: I’ve said repeatedly in the past that men should never try to pick up women at the gym. I think a yoga studio’s vibe is sufficiently different to allow fraternizing: not only is it “safer” because of the largely female clientele, but it’s also a group activity versus a collection of people with headphones doing individual workouts.
Football: This is a two headed question about the same person; C) Is Jacquizz the best first name in football? and %) I am definitely going to be drafting Mr. Rodgers. Is it safe to assume he will be around for my last pick, or will the 66 inch backup to Michael Turner warrant a higher draft spot?
Jacquizz may very well be the best first name in the NFL, but until he becomes a fantasy stud and gets himself a Super Bowl MVP, “Mr. Rodgers” can only be Aaron. Oh, and if the other owners in your league are even remotely savvy, there’s almost no chance of you seeing Jacquizz in the final round. People draft handcuffs to top running backs well before that.
FF: I’m the commissioner of a ten-team league and six of the ten teams teams have continually been a league together since eighth grade (we’re all graduating college in a couple weeks) and the other teams are some of my college buddies. Because we’re all about to be spread out all over the place, and because it’s an absolute hassle to get twenty bucks from anyone, I suggested that we do away with dues. Some people complained saying that it wouldn’t be as competitive anymore, but I argued that because we’ve all been in a league together for so long and because it’s a keeper league we’d all still care. What do you think?
Sex: I usually tend to break off relationships before a serious emotional commitment becomes necessary but over the past five/six months I’ve fallen for this really amazing girl who I met completely incidentally (and who goes to another school). It makes absolutely no sense for me to get involved with her: she’s a junior, and although I’m gonna be living in the city that’s her hometown (and will probably be after she graduates), a lot is going to happen in the next year: I’m going to be going abroad a bit for job training, she’s going abroad for her first semester of senior year, I’m graduating now, followed in a year by her graduation…among a million other things. It’s stupid. We’ve had a “talk” and decided on a “we won’t jump into anything now and will see in the future” approach and I’m sure I’ll see her a decent amount over the summer…but I can’t help but feel shitty about the situation. I don’t know whether it’s an “obstacle is the key to desire” type deal where because I know I can’t be with her I kind of pump up the idea of being in a relationship in my head or whether it’s actually the fact she’s the first really special girl I’ve met since my last serious girlfriend. Could be both. And obviously both of us are gonna change a lot in a year — it’s dumb to just expect everything to be the same. I’ve talked to a bunch of friends about it and they all said the same thing — “don’t sweat it if it’s meant to be it’ll happen.” Anyways, I can’t help but just feel remiss about the situation and was hoping for some advice on how to handle not being able to be with the girl I like for reasons out of my control.
Well, I think you’ve done an excellent job of staying grounded and being realistic. Sometimes things just suck, and your best course of action is to wait and see what happens.
I can keep 3 of these 5, Vick, Foster, R. White, G. Jennings, M. Turner. And yes, I won my league last year.
Vick, Foster, and White. Nothing resembling a hesitation on that one.
Sexy time, I started sleeping with a now ex-coworker when we stayed late at work one night, grabbed food/drinks before going back and working a few hours (my boss was there, best boss ever) then she claimed she was to drunk to drive home. I had a poker game at my place, so I said come back, hang out, go home whenever. When I asked if she wanted anything else to drink she said “If I have anymore to drink, you’ll have to drive me home and stay there.” So taking the hint, I got her more and even though she had one over the course of 5 hours, drove her home and good times rolled.
Told her I was just looking to have fun, not a serious relationship, love is not in my near future after being single from a 6 year relationship for about 3 months at the time, so of course she says she’s falling in love within the first month. Crazy bells went off and I kept sleeping with her due to the green light for anything involving 2 people in the bedroom being welcomed by her, but the relationship was going nowhere. 6 months in, she brings up the love thing again, asks where it’s going, I say nowhere and haven’t ever lied to her or led her to believe it was going anywhere, so she splits with me.
2 weeks later she goes through some shit with one of her kids, she’s 36 with 3 kids I’m 28 with 0 but I work with them, and we talk after work, I go spend the night without trying to get any, but after not falling asleep for about 2 hours she rolls on top of me and put herself to bed so to speak. That was February, and I slept with her again for 2 months until she brought up the kids at which point I said it’s not going anywhere, you need more and I don’t want the kids involved, we should end this. Range of emotions comes out from anger, to crying, to understanding, to trying to get me to sleep with her at the end of the night. I decline, then get a message later that I should come over 2 days later for “closure” meaning sexy time. I decline that also, few days go by, another attempt to get me to go over, not happening. It’s to the point where she’s openly telling me what she wants/”needs” me to do to her and it’s pretty graphic and I haven’t gotten any in 3 weeks now so at some point my resolve will weaken. Am I looking a gift horse in the mouth? I’m well aware she was in love with me, which after 3 weeks I’m sure those feelings are still there, but she’s basically telling me to come use her body and I can’t help but think she’s asking for emotional abuse too. Am I wrong? Please tell me I’m wrong and to go fuck her and enjoy the booty call.
Rosy Palms current best friend
I’ve always said that it’s okay to have post-breakup sex twice*. It’s like weaning yourself off cigarettes: really difficult to do cold turkey. Besides, the two people know all the ins and outs (so to speak) of each other’s bodies, and it seems like such a waste not to get laid just because the relationship isn’t going to work.
But I maintain that you should only ever do that two times. You did it for two MONTHS. And if you backslide again, you’re just going to start the process all over again. She’s gonna be all lovey-dovey, and you’re just going to hurt her again, and you’ll find yourself in this same goddam boat in another six weeks until she wears down your patience and you end up exploding at her and yelling, “GODDAMMIT HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU?!?!?” Better to cut her out of your life in no uncertain terms so that she can start getting over you and move on (and raise her kids).
Dear….wait, come back to me…I had something for this,
+1 for the Archer reference
After a recent mind-blowing revelation that apparently it’s now okay to use one space after periods, the theme of this email is current trends I don’t understand.
Football: I’ve played FF for many years now, and it was always an iron-clad rule that you had to have a sick running back to win. Then came the trend of platooning backs and people started to say that you should use high picks on an elite QB. I switched up my game and got massacred the past two years. The guy who racked up the most points by far last year had Hillis, McCoy and Rice and then at QB…the Sex Cannon and Kitna. I had Aaron Rodgers and Andre Johnson and some mildly productive backs and didn’t even sniff the playoffs. So, WTF do I do this year?
Recognize that there are a few elite players at every position, and do your best to get those guys on your team. I’ve never understood people who are locked into this mentality of “I have to draft RB-RB-QB-WR” or whatever. Got the first overall pick? Then take Chris Johnson or Jamaal Charles or Arian Foster. Got the tenth pick? Then take Aaron Rodgers or Michael Vick or Andre Johnson. I’d rather pick a player I KNOW is awesome than draft Frank Gore in the first round and hate myself.
Sex: A friend of mine who works for our state healthcare benefits program said that our state is considering doing away with coverage for circumcisions. She said that pediatricians have testified that about 70% of the lads in this state still get cut, but that it’s at 50% now in other states. And that San Francisco is considering some law making them entirely illegal (for what it’s worth, being San Francisco and all). I was shocked by all this.
Fucking San Francisco. When I’m declared God-King, one of my first acts is going to be importing 40,000 rednecks into the city limits, so that pistol-whipping becomes a common occurrence for aggressive panhandlers and asshole progressives.
I just assumed most people were cut, but that’s apparently not the case. I remember in college girls would make a big deal about how shocked they were to come across a non-circumcised dick, as it was a rarity. I also remember a poor SOB in our middle school getting mocked soundly in gym class for being the only one not cut.
There was once a lot of talk about circumcisions reducing the risk of HIV and other STDs, but I’m not sure of the truth of that. It might have just been propaganda spread by the powerful mohel lobby. I just thought it was religious/traditional.
So what’s the deal these days? Will we someday live in a country where being cut puts you in a minority? I’d thank you to alleviate the swelling of my mind grapes.
I’m not an expert on circumcisions, and I don’t want to rehash the arguments for or against them, so I’m going to quote our old friend Wikipedia:
The Ancient Greeks and Romans valued the foreskin and were opposed to circumcision – an opposition inherited by the canon and secular legal systems of the Christian West that lasted at least through to the Middle Ages, according to Hodges. Traditional Judaism and Islam have advocated male circumcision as a religious obligation.
The ethics of circumcision are sometimes controversial… Modern proponents, such as Morris, argue that circumcision reduces the risks of urinary tract infections, penile cancer, HIV, balanitis, posthitis, phimosis, and prostate cancer as well as conferring sexual benefits. In contrast, opponents of infant circumcision often question its effectiveness in preventing disease, and object to subjecting newborn boys, without their consent, to a procedure they consider to have questionable benefits, significant risks and a potentially negative impact on later sexual enjoyment.
As an average circumcised dude who’s had a couple conversations with ladies about cut-versus-uncut before, here are my random thoughts on the matter:
- A circumcised dick is much easier to keep clean (I’ve heard women who’ve been with uncut guys complain about the smell).
- Penises are inherently gross-looking, but ones with foreskins are SUPER gross. You ever seen porn where the guy has a foreskin? Ugh, might as well masturbate to NatGeo.
- Since the foreskin has lots of nerve endings, uncut dudes may very well have more pleasurable sensations during sex than I do. I’ll obviously never know the difference. However, the whole “Let a man choose” argument is preposterous. Nobody’s going to CHOOSE to get a piece of their dick cut off. And if for some reason a grown man WOULD choose to get a circumcision — at the behest of a woman, no doubt — then he’s going to be massively disappointed when he all of a sudden has less sensation during sex. If it’s going to happen, it should happen the dude’s a baby and has no chance of remembering it.
- My pro-circumcision bias aside, there are few things as terrifying as a botched circumcision story. I think we had one in the mailbag once. JEEZUS. Utterly horrifying.
So, to answer your question, what’s the deal these days? I dunno. I don’t know enough new parents with sons to know if they’re getting the procedure done, and I don’t see enough dicks to judge the state of the populace. Maybe you should ask your mom. BURN!
I want more like this!
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