In an effort to regain control of his team, Bengals coach Marvin Lewis decides to take the drastic step of bringing volatile wideout Chad Ochocinco into his home in a spirited attempt to get the two men to understand one another.

Marvin: Hey, Chad! Chad! Let’s go! Lockout’s still on, but that doesn’t mean you can’t voluntarily go work out on your own. So move it!



Ocho: No, Coach. Not this time. I’m afraid you and I… We are at an overpass.

Marvin: Impasse.

Ocho: Ain’t no devil booty I’m talkin’ about, Coach. Who the Hell is interested in an imp’s ass?

Marvin: Never mind.

Ocho: Anyway, Coach. I have decided that you and I have to break up.

Marvin: Break up?

Ocho: That’s right! You’re too mean to me.

Marvin: What the hell are you talking about?

Ocho: There. Right there. You see that tone of voice you took with me right there? That’s mean. That’s not nice. And what’s with you keeping me in this house? Making me sleep upstairs?

Marvin: You AGREED to stay here.

Ocho: And what’s with you blowing whistles all the time and telling me to run fast?

Marvin: That’s coaching.

Ocho: That’s MEANERATION!

Marvin: That’s not a word.

Ocho: Or is it?

Marvin: It’s not. It’s really not.

Ocho: But it IS a word. If I say it, then it’s a word, is it not? Like if I say, TUNALOKKADUNGBIDDIE. That’s a word.

Marvin: That’s not a word. That’s just gibberish you strung together.

Ocho: Not true. A TUNALOKKADUNGBIDDIE is a flying fish that shits gold. TRUTH.

Marvin: Fish can’t poop gold.

Ocho: But you don’t KNOW that. They COULD poop gold.

Marvin: No they can’t.

Ocho: But they could!

Marvin: But they can’t.

Ocho: But they could!

Marvin: But they can’t.

Ocho: But they could!

Marvin: But they can’t.

Ocho: But they could! What if I put just a little bit of gold on a fishing rod, then I covered that shit with banana pudding? BOOM! Goldfish, made of gold, shitting gold out.

Marvin: Gold fish aren’t made of gold.

Ocho: Whoa ho ho! Okay, now you lockin’ out KNOWLEDGE.

Marvin: They aren’t. They’re fish. They’re made of bones and scales and eyes and teeth.

Ocho: AND GOLD.

Marvin: No. Not gold.

Ocho: Then how come Mr. Wong down on the corner charged me $700,000 for a bag of Goldfish? Those were the Pepperidge Farm ones, with extra gold.

Marvin: He charged you that much because he knew you were an idiot.

Ocho: You see? MEAN. Callin’ me names. Insulting my people.

Marvin: What people?

Ocho: My people. You know. All the little Ochomaniacs out there. Just the other day, one of them wrote to me. Little girl. Name was Kyteesha Kyreesha. And she said to me, “Mister Ocho? Why is Coach Lewis so mean to you? And can you kill a dragon in the end zone for me the next time you score?” And I wrote back to that little girl. And I told her, “I don’t know why Coach Lewis is so mean. Why he has so much hate in his heart. Probably because his daddy dead. But I will kill TWO dragons for that ass come October.”

Marvin: No one wrote you that note.

Ocho: They did! LOOK!

(hands Marvin piece of blank white paper)

Marvin: This page is blank.

Ocho: She wrote the note in white crayon. INVISIBLE INK.

Marvin: There’s no one named Kyteesha Kyreesha. No one wrote you. I am not mean to you. I am extremely tolerant of you, more so than perhaps any other human being that has ever lived or ever will live. And you can’t kill a dragon in the end zone, because dragons don’t exist.

Ocho: They DO exist.

Marvin: No they don’t.

Ocho: What about a Kimono Dragon? REAL DRAGON.

Marvin: It’s a Kimodo Dragon and it’s a lizard. It doesn’t breathe fire or anything.

Ocho: You don’t know that.

Marvin: I do.

Ocho: No you don’t.

Marvin: Yes I do.

Ocho: No you don’t.

Marvin: Yes I do.

Ocho: No you don’t! You are so close-minded! Do you realize that we just killed Osama bin Obamawitz? WE DID THAT. We do that… We can do ANYTHING we put our minds to.

Marvin: Like inventing real dragons.

Ocho: YES.

Marvin: And then using them to ritualistically slaughter in the end zone at the behest of an imaginary eight-year-old.

Ocho: TWICE.

Marvin: Okay, just to clarify. There is NO link between the ability to kill a terrorist, and the ability to form mythical creatures from out of thin air.

Ocho: But you don’t know that.

Marvin: I do. You can’t make dragons, nor can I.

Ocho: I dunno, Coach. I was just upstairs in the shitter, and I think you made yourself a hell of a brown dragon up in that shit.

Marvin: HOLY SHIT. YOU STUPID FUCKING PIECE OF TREE BARK. YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY I’M SO “MEAN” TO YOU, FUCKHEAD? BECAUSE YOU’RE AN IDIOT. YOU’RE A RETARDED, SELF-INVOLVED, UTTERLY DELUSIONAL IMBECILE WHO CAN BARELY USE HIS OWN APPENDAGES. DO YOU EVEN HAVE A BRAIN, CHAD? IS THERE ACTUAL TISSUE INSIDE YOUR SKULL? OR IS THERE JUST A PILE OF SHIT? THAT’S WHAT I’M PICKING. I’M PICKING THE PILE OF SHIT, A GIANT FESTERING PILE OF HUMAN EXCREMENT THAT WAS SOMEHOW PLACED INSIDE YOUR FUCKING HEAD IN AN EXPERIMENT GONE TERRIBLY AWRY. YOU STUPID FUCKING FUCK. I HATE YOU. I HATE YOUR FACE. I HOPE YOU DIE. I HOPE REAL DRAGONS ACTUALLY ARE INVENTED, AND THAT THEY EAT YOU.

Ocho: Can’t eat what you can’t catch!

Marvin: YOU ARE OLD AND FUCKING SLOW AS BALLS.

Ocho: Yeah well, tell that to me after I score six TDs AGAINST you! FOR THE RAVENS! That’s right. I’m outta here soon as this wipeout is lifted. And when that happens, I’m going to Maryanne and joining my boy Ray Lewis. And you will get every gallon of Dade County I got in me. And then, I WILL SLAY A DRAGON IN THE END ZONE. And not just one of those Kimodo dragons either. I’M TALKING A BARCELONA DRAGON, BITCH.

Marvin: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.