When we last left “Daily Show” audience plant Peter King, he was yukking it up for Jon Stewart at a live taping of the show fraught with tons of bin Laden meaning. King was also busy crafting items for his “More Teams Should Do This Department,” which includes:

• Free coffee before 5AM!
• “Quiet boxes” in every stadium!
• Jon Gruden made leaguewide QB coach!
• Engage in imaginary trading streaks with Bill Belichick!

So what about this week? Will Malletmania ovetake Peter? Should Cam Newton play more Accuracyball? (Why is this question in parentheses?) BECAUSE I DARE. Read on…

I’m a little bit blown away this morning, as I have been since Dave Goren of the National Sportscasters and Sportswriters Association called in January to say I’d been named sportswriter of the year.

God, that really happened, didn’t it? I have a copy of Peter’s acceptance speech right here.

“This is such an honor. Sort of. You talk about getting goosebumps. How am I doing? I’d like to think I’m doing pretty good for someone in the middle of something emotional. Got a great nugget from this speech from Ritch Cumley from the Utica Press Dispatch. Let me just recite it in full and use that as the entire speech.”

You sure you didn’t get my number mixed up with Posnanski’s or Reilly’s or Verducci’s?

GOREN: Oh, shit! Reilly! That’s right! We were trying to think of someone even more offensive to give this worthless honor to. He’s sharp as a great white’s tooth, that one!

But hey, that’s the power of Sports Illustrated, SI.com and the internet in today’s sports communications business. And I ain’t giving it back.

That’s because the trophy is shaped like a minor league foul ball.

It’s a great honor, something I’ll never forget as long as I live.

Now what were we talking about?

Oh, right: HOW AWESOME I AM!

I want to start today with a guy who can be a fair referee to both players and owners.

FORMER DC UNITED COACH BRUCE ARENA?!

He was a player, a very good one, and now he’s close to lots of players, and to key people on both sides. He’s part jock, part lawyer, part E.F. Hutton.

But ALL man.

And one great color man. And he has a thoughtful, plaintive wail for everyone in this labor mess:

“Is this really what we want — judges determining so much about the future of the National Football League?” Cris Collinsworth said over the weekend.

I know. Shouldn’t changing the future of pro football be Cam Newton’s job? If Newton succeeds, then touchdowns will be worth 9 points!

The other day, I noticed Collinsworth had written on his website, footballpros.com, and tweeted that his best guess for the start of the NFL season was early November.

/hangs self

I’ve known Collinsworth since 1984, when I covered him on the Bengals in Cincinnati. Now I work with Collinsworth and consider him a friend.

Alongside someone else you might know. GUY BY THE NAME OF DUNGY.

We’ve beaten each other up on many topics over the years, but that’s why I like him.

He pitches AND catches!

I understand if you’re sitting there thinking I’m not going to be impartial or I’m going to paint Collinsworth in a good way.

You are.

I am…

See?

…but that’s because what he’s saying makes a lot of sense.

DISCLAIMER: You might think I’m biased toward Cris Collinsworth. Because I am. ALSO, HIS OPINIONS ARE INFALLIBLE. MAYBE.

(Collinsworth says) “The pro game could become like college football — 55-14 most games, with four or five tremendous games of national interest every year. Now we have that many every week.”

Oh, I see. So Cris comments at PFT.

There’s no guarantee Collinsworth’s right.

Is he right? MAYBE. Could he be so right that his thoughts should be organized into a chart that teams use as a reference point when making all decisions? NOT IMPOSSIBLE TO PONDER. Is he my friend? ABSOLUTELY.

Washington owner Dan Snyder said on Sirius Radio over the weekend that the ‘Skins and Steelers had a deal in place for Washington to trade the 16th overall pick to Pittsburgh for the 31st pick plus other choices … but the Steelers didn’t do the deal when it came time to pull the trigger. Seems the player Pittsburgh wanted was gone by the time the 16th pick rolled around.

Read that paragraph again. Seems like a good nugget, doesn’t it? Except that Dan Steinberg from the Post emailed me this…

Peter King had a long item today based on a Dan Snyder interview on Sirius over the weekend that apparently never happened. The Sirius PR guy says he has no idea what King is talking about. Waiting for more details.

SPORTSWRITER OF THE YEAR, PEOPLE. You try making baseless speculations off of radio interviews that never happened. That takes creativity. The Redskins also deny the interview took place.

Hmmm. Sounds like Mike Pouncey.

Hmmm. Sounds like NO ONE, because it didn’t fucking happen.

Sounds like the Steelers wanted the Pouncey twins to play center and guard for them for the next decade…

Sounds like the Steelers may soon all morph into giant, man-eating beetles that have the ability to infiltrate our wireless networks using their highly evolved antennae. I HEARD ALL ABOUT IT ON SIRIUS THIS WEEKEND. EXCEPT THAT I DIDN’T.

It would have been a perfect Pittsburgh-like thing to do…

Quasi-Pittsburghish! Because the Steelers are 40% smarter than whatever piece of shit team you root for! They don’t go for the FLASH. They don’t like GLOREE BOYZ. They want real players, and they have real fans, and they eat their dinner with a knife and fork because they are simple and THEY ARE SO VERY PITTSBURGH. So yes, I think it would have been a perfectly Pittsburghian thing for them to do, to engage in an imaginary trade for a guard that I think happened on the radio but may in fact have happened only in the cavern of my mind.

Right around 5 p.m. Eastern time today, 11 men will take the first steps of a long final day toward the summit of 19,314-foot Mount Kilimanjaro on the east coast of Africa.

And then they will fight a DRAGON at the top! And the dragon will bleed gold coins and they’ll use those coins to invent a planet-killing laser. OR SO I HEARD ON SIRIUS THIS WEEKEND.

It’ll be the fifth day of a climb for former Titans coach Jeff Fisher, former Eagles tight end Chad Lewis and ex-Patriots linebacker Tedy Bruschi, along with some NFL personnel and four members of the Wounded Warriors.

They’ll have about 4,000 feet to climb to get to the top. Now, they all might not make it…

Call it 3:2 odds.

The test to make it up Kilimanjaro, (Bruschi) said, is “very similar, very similar” to a football game. “You need 11 guys to win on the goal line,” he said, “and we need all 11 of us to win here too.”

TEDY BRUSCHI ON GRILLING: “It’s a lot like football. You can’t have your splits too tight, or else the chicken won’t cook evenly.”

TEDY BRUSCHI ON NAPPING: “It’s a lot like football. Everything is about being properly positioned. If you aren’t in the right position… IT’S A NIGHTMARE.”

TEDY BRUSCHI ON HAVING A STROKE: “It’s a lot like football. There’s lot of shaking and you can’t remember stuff. FOOTBALL ANALOGIES ARE ALL I CAN MUSTER.”

“If you are the general manager of an NFL football team, 99.9 percent of people can do what you do. I get emails, letters, phone calls from people telling me how they can do my job better than me. But it’s the 5 percent that you do, that you bring to the table, that unique 5 percent — that’s what we’re asking from you. That’s your contribution. I believe there is someone sitting here today with the last 5 percent that can find a cure for cancer.”

Giants GM Jerry Reese, addressing the Class of 2011 Saturday at his alma mater, the University of Tennessee-Martin.

I see that University of Tennessee-Martin doesn’t offer First Grade in Mathology 101 to all 104.9% of its student body.

Great note by Tony Grossi of the Cleveland Plain Dealer, who covered Len Barker’s perfect game 30 years ago Sunday for the paper. Cleveland beat Toronto 3-0. The third baseman for Toronto, batting eighth, that night?

Celtics general manager Danny Ainge.

INCREDIBLE NUGGET. Who knew that the giant bloated corpse currently running a Boston area team once did something else a very long time ago? Did you also know that Danny Ainge was the original inspiration for Captain America?

*Source: Sirius radio broadcast of “Crazy Ira and the Douche,” first aired 12/21/1956ish

The King traveling party — me, wife Ann, Donnie Banks, brother-in-law Lou from Monongahela — took in the Hickory Crawdads game Sunday evening in nearby Hickory. Got a great kick out of Conrad the Crawdad. A crawdad’s a small lobster, basically, a freshwater crustacean.

And “freshwater” is water that does NOT have salt in it, unlike “seawater,” which is very salty and comes from the sea. I assume you didn’t know any of this, which is why all 104.9% of you read this column. A column is a grouping of words that runs in a newspaper or on a website. “A” is an indefinite article! MAYBE.

It was Bark in the Park Day with the Crawdads. We shared a row with a black Great Dane, Atticus, who won the dog contest. Not a complicated contest. The dog that got the biggest cheers from the crowd won the $25 gift certificate (to what, we’re not sure), and our row made sure Atticus got the biggest hand. Good dog.

LOFTY dog.

“In #Detroit airport and never really sat back and saw how nice an airport it is! It was good to be back for a bit.”

–@ndamukong_suh, Lions defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh, on Saturday afternoon, commenting on one of the nicest, most humane airports in the world.

But wait till you see the Indy airport!

I think I’m for a reunion of Pete Carroll and Matt Leinart in Seattle. For one reason: Why not?

Because Matt Leinart sucks?

I think there are minefields in place with the proposed Vikings stadium complex 12 miles northeast of downtown in Arden Hills, Minn., but the fact that there’s significant traction now tells me there’s very little chance the Vikings will follow in the footsteps of the Minneapolis Lakers and trek west to Los Angeles.

I think this proposed stadium deal is fairly meaningless as it stands right now, which is what makes its future legitimacy so much more certain.

I think, for all of you wondering about the whereabouts of prize free-agent cornerback Nnamdi Asomugha for the 2011 season, stop putting him in Green Bay. Just not a smart fit.

Who needs an extra cover corner and incredible secondary depth, besides everyone? STUPID IDEA.

How distracting would a golf-ball-sized chaw made of Bazooka and sunflower seeds be if you’re trying to hit, with the sunflower shells floating out of the mouth willy-nilly? Maybe that’s why Alex Rodriguez is slumping. That is one of the most grotesque things I’ve ever seen in a player’s mouth. Looks like A-Rod’s choking on it half the time.

AND YOU’D KNOW ALL ABOUT CHOKING ON IT!

/cheap

What a weekend for Jorge Posada.

What a country! You get awards just for listening to the radio!

Obviously, he shouldn’t have asked out of the lineup Saturday after getting dropped to ninth in the batting order, and even more obviously, he shouldn’t have created the excuse of having a sore back. But he’s been such a credit to the game that he deserves a mulligan.

It’s true. Posada has been a whiny bitch for SO long that you have to love him!

Coffeenerdness: As we drove by a Starbucks on I-77 Sunday afternoon in North Carolina, Don Banks said: “Why hasn’t Starbucks taken the mermaid’s face out of the logo and replaced it with yours?”

They are!

/heard about it on Sirius

See what I told you about The Office?

I should run that show! Except I missed last week’s episode. I’ll let you know when I catch up!

Boston Mayor Thomas Menino reads MMQB. (I think. Either that or a staffer does.)

LEGIT 37.8% chance he reads it.

At a season-opening Little League parade last week in our neighborhood, I had the pleasure of meeting our mayor, and he said, “We doing better with the litter in your neighborhood?” Quickly I processed this. When my wife and I moved to Boston 27 months ago, I wrote (and remarked to many in the neighborhood) about how much litter there was, and why in the world was such a great city pockmarked — on some days at least — with so much litter? It has gotten better, mayor. Thank you.

But????

But there’s still too much.

HOW DARE YOU LINE THE PATH OF A SPORTSWRITER OF THE YEAR WITH REFUSE?! HE DEMANDS ROSE PETALS AND KIT KATS BE LAID AT HIS FEET FORTHHENCE!

UPDATE: Steinz says: “Now king struck through the entire 300 word item, and added the word “reportedly” to the first sentence, and never acknowledged that snyder wasn’t even on the radio”