I always write the introduction to the mailbag last. Sometimes it’s good, because it allows me to introduce some of the overarching themes of the week in a meaningful way. Sometimes it’s bad, because I spend all day juggling sex questions and TV news and then I’m too tired to write anything besides, “Here are the questions!”

Today, I offer an apology. Four of the five submissions today seemed specifically crafted to push my buttons, and I kinda lost my patience and snapped a little bit. So, to the people who were so kind as to write in with problems they genuinely sought advice for: I’m sorry. I can get a little mean sometimes. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you, baby. Come back next week and I’ll make it all better. I promise to be nicer in the future. *drinks whiskey*

Hola Captain-
FFB: Keeper League question. Who do you like as a developmental QB? I have one more year of eligibility with Brees, but he goes back in the pool next year. I’m hoping to draft a QB with a low pick this year and keep him for 2012-13. My thoughts from most obvious/expensive are Bradford, Newton, McCoy, then any of the other 2011 rookies. Who do you think might get themselves into a position to blow up?

Stay away from rookie QBs. Even with someone promising like, say, Matt Stafford a couple years ago, you still have to wait a couple years to get a return on your investment (and you might never get a return if that sonofabitch keeps getting hurt). Out of the current crop of young QBs, I’d guess that Sam Bradford is the best investment.

Sex: About a year ago, my girlfriend and I broke up after two and a half years together. The final year had been long distance

Timeout. I’ve just come to a realization: there have been WAY too many questions about long-distance relationships over the last couple months. I’m sick of all you assholes in LDRs. If you had a girlfriend in the same city, you wouldn’t have all this time to sit at your computer and write about your problems. You could go on a date or something.

Anyway. Please continue.

and eventually it took its toll. It wasn’t a real clean break-up.

Good! Fuck yo’ long-distance relationship!

That winter we’d been awkwardly talking about dating other people while still being together and things like that. Obviously in hindsight we saw where things were eventually heading and were trying to make a bargain to save a failing relationship with a person we loved. After a great visit in the spring, things seemed to be looking up, but it didn’t last long and she started seeing someone else.

Note to future people writing into the mailbag: if you edit out needless and boring details like that, I’m less likely to interject with my asshole two cents.

I dove headlong into your standard post-breakup funk for the rest of the spring and summer, into the fall. I was/am dating other people during that time, but nobody special. The ex and I had continued talking on rare occasions, but she finally shut that down over Thanksgiving as the new bf was getting upset. I stopped texting/emailing and continued to try to get over her little by little. That was going ok until she randomly sent me an email about a month ago just to say hi and hope I’m doing well. This threw me off and got my head spinning about her again, so I took several days to send a simple reply to her. Soon thereafter she sent a more casual email asking for trivia help. I helped but also reminded her that it was her idea to not talk. After I preemptively apologized (I was a little snooty with my reminder,) she was very nice she said she understood and just wanted to check in.

DUMBASS. Dumbass dumbass dumbass. For the 3 millionth time, I’ll say this again: women like attention. They CRAVE it. She didn’t want to check in to see how you’re doing; she checked in because you stopped paying attention to her and she missed it. She could give two shits about your well-being or mental health; even though she has another relationship and doesn’t want to be with you, she STILL likes the texts and emails because it means that a man is thinking about her. You may think she’s being nice, but what she really is is selfish.

Meanwhile in the realm of much more important problems, my younger brother has cancer. After years of surgeries, chemo, radiation and repeated remissions, he’s scheduled to undergo an experimental treatment next week. I will be flying out the week after to keep him company when he gets out of the hospital. (He can’t fly back for a few days because he’ll literally be radioactive.)

“Up and at them!”

As it so happens, of all the hospitals in all the towns in all the world, the one that’s conducting this clinical trial is less than a mile from my ex-girlfriend’s house.

Now I’m not a big “fate” guy, but I feel like I have to do something.

Get punched in the dick until you come to your senses? I’m sure we have a reader nearby who will volunteer for that.

I’m not planning to pack my trench coat and boombox with Peter Gabriel cassettes, but I do want to see her and have a chance to talk. But how? What to say? Her recent attempts to reopen communication seem like a positive step (though I’m sure I’m overthinking it at least some.) I’m not expecting much, as I assume she’s still going out with that guy, but I know I would regret not taking the opportunity to see her in person and tell her how I feel. If this was a rom-com,

The fact that you mentioned a rom-com is telling. This is LIFE, not a movie. Your brother has fucking CANCER, man! Your flesh and blood could DIE, and you’re looking to play an angle so that you can win the girl back and live happily ever after. I can’t imagine what other idiotic imagery is bouncing around your head, but I assume there’s a kiss in the rain somewhere.

I’d just surprise her at work, profess my undying love and carry her off into the sunset while her coworkers cried and cheered. I’m hoping you can think of something slightly more realistic…

-RG

I hate you.

Don’t take that the wrong way. I don’t hate you because you’re obsessing over someone who isn’t treating you or her boyfriend fairly. I don’t hate you because you’re selfishly thinking about her when you should be taking care of your cancer-stricken brother (although that IS pretty shitty). I hate you because you’re making the same mistakes that almost every man makes at some point in his life. I’ve been head over heels for an ex that I couldn’t get back together with before, one who played tricks with my head and led me to think that I could eventually make it work. She was dating someone else and lived far away but we still stayed in touch and we had great chemistry and made each other laugh and all that bullshit. And I sounded just as naive and hopeful and romantic as you do now. I let that go on for years. YEARS! Years of my life pining for something that wasn’t meant to be. I was basically treading water with my life: I wasn’t going anywhere, and if I didn’t start going somewhere, eventually I’d get tired and drown.

Don’t call her. Don’t text. Don’t email. Stay by your brother’s side and focus on his needs. The next time your ex contacts you, tell her that you need to focus on moving on and that you don’t want to be in contact with her, and the nicest thing she can do for you is to respect your healing process. And then move on with your life, because there’s someone better out there: someone who lives close to you and has never hurt you and who lets you be the best version of yourself. Trust me on this. Moving on feels FANTASTIC.

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Hi Caveman,
Fantasy/Football: I was the highest scoring team by over 300 points in a non-playoff 12 person league last year and was in 1st or 2nd place for the entire year except in the final week when only the top two spots paid. Still kinda bitter about that one. Also, I’m a Carolina fan…so I pretty much hate my football life right now.

Sex-ish: I’ll start by saying I’m pretty sure what you’ll say, but I would appreciate the advice anyway (I’m guessing leave/ignore the girl or some derivative) since I’m too big a pussy to take the advice I dish out daily when it comes to similar scenarios of my own situation.

Currently, I live in London for a work/study program which is nearing completion. Prior to leaving the US, I began talking to a girl


I had previously dated in high school (10 years ago) and we became very close in a short period of time, although there was no talk of any kind of relationship other than friendship. The day before leaving for my year abroad, we finally managed to get together for an afternoon where we did anything sexual any two people could, minus actual sex. I was/am fine with what happened since she has some strange ideology when it comes sex, especially given our past (never more than a little kissing) and iffy at best future.

Without too much detail, the next few months we kept in contact on a daily basis, gchatting for hours a day, talking and looking forward to the potential future we had once I returned from the year away. Somewhere down the line, it became less of a friendship and more of an unspoken relationship without the relationship. A common saying was we were “together, but not together” as to not completely expect something that may never happen.

The only thing stupider than trying to develop a transatlantic relationship with someone who doesn’t put out is the phrase “together, but not together.”

Over the course of my months away, we have had our fair share of fights, and on a few occasions were serious enough where we stopped speaking for weeks at a time, which is unusual since we would gchat on a daily basis for hours at a time prior to the fights.

“Oh, it was terrible! I had to go out and experience London’s rich history, world-famous museums, and lively pub culture — when all I wanted to do was sit on my computer and gchat the girl who won’t have sex with me.”

Fast forward to last month when I went back to the US to visit friends and family over Easter week, including the girl in question. During said week, we were together nearly every day going out to lunch, dinner, sleeping in the same bed, working out together, showering together, and again, doing everything two people sexually could without actually having sex. Again, the reason was due to her views on sex and the unknown future; not ideal, but not exactly unexpected and not the issue at hand.

This is amazing. I didn’t think it was possible, but this email is actually more clueless than the first one.

Other than a few minor hiccups relating to needing some time away from each other due to specific personality traits, everything went as well as could be expected. We ended the time together with a fond farewell and positive thoughts for the future. Once I was back to my temporary home, we had a candid talk about how the week went, feelings for the future, etc. Essentially, she comes out saying she’s unsure about the future because she constantly flips between wanting to be together and thinking it’s a horrible idea both now and in the future. She claims she doesn’t want to lead me on but also wants to continue to talk on a daily basis and knows in a few minutes/hours/the next day that she’ll be all about wanting it to work again and how it’s only a temporary feeling of thinking it wouldn’t be a good idea to continue.

Since having that conversation, we have decided to take it easy and slow it down to the point of no expectations, similar to how it was when I had first moved to here. The first few days were fine, but inevitably we have fallen into the same old routine despite my best efforts to keep conversation light, non-committal, and less frequent as we had discussed previously. She continues to say how she misses me, wants me to come home, can’t wait till I come back, etc. I suppose my question is this: what’s my play here? I have all the opportunity in the world to live essentially wherever I want and pick the job that suits me best, regardless of her location, which she is hesitant to change. Any advice or suggestions are much appreciated.
Sincerely,
Dumbassery in London

You’re fucking fired. That’s your advice.

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Dear CC,
Sex/Relationship: My ex-fiancee broke up with me about a year ago. Six months later, she got married to the last guy she had dated before me (when I met her she was not seeing anyone). This marriage was mostly caused by a custody battle she is fighting with her son’s father. She has admitted to me that she had to show resources for the court, so she did what she had to do to keep her son. Despite the short time-frame, I am certain she did not cheat on me and she has said she did not and that the guy popped back into the picture after she and I broke up. In any case, I have remained friends with her and we communicate on a daily basis, with communication initiated by her, which I know is not good. All of this could be a mailbag submission by itself, but that’s not the reason I am writing in.

Recently, her son was diagnosed with ADHD. She and I got to talking and we figured out that she has it too although she has never been diagnosed, much less treated. Tonight, after the Pacquiao fight, I was channel surfing and I stumbled on a PBS special on ADHD. I learned a lot of new information and then I did additional internet research. My mind was blown because all the issues we had in our relationship which were the cause of our breakup (sexual issues, fighting over unimportant things, her financial irresponsibility) were all tied to her ADHD.

I plan on telling her what I have learned. I found a good book that could help her deal with her ADHD and how it affects personal relationships and I will encourage her to get diagnosed and some treatment. My dilemma is this: I feel that with the knowledge I have now, we could have avoided and/or worked on those issues and the breakup could have been avoided. Obviously, I am not over her, considering I am still friends with her and in daily contact. By giving her this information, I know this will help her in her marriage, which I thought was doomed to fail.

Don’t get me wrong, I will go ahead and do the right thing and give her all the info. I am also strongly considering cutting off contact, which is hard considering we work 6 floors apart, but probably for the best. I have tried that before, though, and she contacts me and I go back to talking to her. I am just pissed off that it will help her be with someone else and not me. Yes, that is probably childish and immature, but I can’t help it. This was the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and now she will have a better chance to spend it with someone else. As a military man, I know you have previously chosen the greater good over your own selfish wants/needs. Any words of advice on how to deal with my own selfish desires and anger/resentment?

Lemme get this straight: you’re hung up on a married woman who had a kid with another dude, and she has an ailment that makes her pick fights and buy shit she can’t afford? What the hell is wrong with you? That’s not a rhetorical question, either. This woman sounds so completely unappealing to me that I can only assume you’re an amputee or a victim of horrible third-degree burns over 70% of your body. Because otherwise you can do better.

But let’s back this up. First of all, you’re not a doctor. You can’t diagnose someone with ADHD. And even though doctors today will diagnose ADHD in anything that isn’t an inanimate object, a successful diagnosis doesn’t make the problem go away. ADHD medication may help people focus, but it can also change personalities for the worse — people on ADHD meds often complain about feeling a loss of creativity, humor, or identity. So even IF her problems are tied to ADHD, and IF she goes to a doctor who gives her medication, and IF the medication works for her, she’ll still have to work on her problems. She was an unmarried mother who married a man for financial expedience; ADHD meds aren’t a guarantee that her marriage will work, and you’re not some altruistic savior because you’re giving her a book. Drop the martyr act.

And yes, cut off contact with her. Stop being so weak by indulging her every time she contacts you. You’ll lose the anger and resentment when you focus your energy on self-improvement. Exercise, volunteerism, and education aren’t just ways to redirect your broken heart; they’re also good ways to meet new people, make new friends, and screw new women. Hooray!

Fantasy Football: Last year we had a controversy over draft order. Some people wanted to do it based on the prior year’s finish. Others wanted to do it like we’ve always done: random draw out of a hat on draft night. Any thoughts on the subject?

Much appreciated and thank you for your service,
Lana Kane Aficionado

Because fantasy drafts are serpentine, I don’t think the first overall pick is all that advantageous, especially for the people who are already bad enough to finish at the bottom of the league. Go with the hat. More drama and excitement that way.

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Esteemed Internet Advice Columnists-
Fantasy: I am the commissioner of an amazing fantasy football league. Great group of guys, keepers, smacktalk, wheeling and dealing, funny emails, etc. We’re the league that most guys wish they could be in. We’re a couple of years old and have decided to pull out all the stops for the upcoming draft. Vegas here we come.

We have a fairly basic plan in mind, involving (I think) a good balance between hanging by the pool shooting the breeze while enjoying each others’ company and debauchery. My question is twofold: what sort of hangout:wangout ratio would you suggest for this long weekend in August, and do you have any advice for common scenarios we should try to avoid (or heists and scams we should initiate) while in Sin City?

It’s hard to stay abreast of what’s cool in Vegas: there’s always a newer, hotter casino or club or pool scene or underground party. And I’m a bad person to ask: I’m a particularly crusty 32-year-old with partial hearing loss who likes quiet conversation, strong drinks, and small parties.

My recommendation to you is a business called No Worry Nights. It’s run by a couple of young, laid-back guys who facilitate groups of people looking to have a good time. You know those douchey party promoters that grow like mold in Vegas? These guys are NOT like that. They’ll get you good deals on whatever kind of stuff you want to do, from bottle service to transportation to strippers.

Sex: We have a member of our league who may well be a virgin. We’ve tried on multiple occasions to set him up with ladies or give him prime opportunities to make the most of his ample charms. Sadly, he doesn’t ever bite. Our league buy-in is only $15, and with around 10 guys going to Vegas, what kind of cap does that put on our prostitute funds?
Kindest Regards,
Daniel Snyder Ocean

I’ll be straight with you: you’re too poor to fuck any Vegas prostitute you’d want to have sex with.

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Hey Caveman,
Football: Two questions: 1) Keeper choice between Braylon Edwards or Brandon Marshall? 2) Assuming Ronnie and Ricky are done, where do you take Daniel Thomas? Or is he just another Ryan Matthews in the making?

Oh, I don’t know. I’m all worn out from that long-distance relationship stuff above. I guess Marshall? And considering that the Ricky Williams/Ronnie Brown duo has frustrated fantasy owners for the last couple years, do you really think it’s smart to get the back-up who’s just going to enter another split-carries situation?

Sex: I have been fucking two different girls for the last couple months without either of them finding out. Unfortunately, it’s gotten to the point where they both want to be exclusive. So, I have to decide between the two. Both girls are blonde and basically they same body type, not skinny but not fat either. So deciding on looks isn’t an option. Girl #1 is 21 and works at a clothing store. She’s more willing in bed, and judging from the ass play we’ve had before, anal is around the corner. She is however very quiet in the sack and harder to get off. Girl #2 is 26 and in the middle of med school. We haven’t really done anything adventurous in bed (just missionary and her on top), but she is very vocal and gets off rather easy (at least 3-4 times per session). FYI, I’m 27 and just finished law school. Who should I pick? Or should I just dump them both and try to bang more girls before I turn 28?

Thanks,

Sexual Fantasy Conundrum Guy

They’re both blonde with similar bodies, huh? Golly, that’s a tough one, mister. If only there were some other aspect to them besides the way they act in bed. I mean, if only these women that you’ve given no consideration to for the last couple months had personalities, then I might be able to weigh in on your decision. But you conveniently reduced them to the only qualities that truly matter in women, so I can’t decide.

The younger one seems good because she’s probably going to be hotter for longer, plus she’s down for anal. And who cares if she gets off? Am I right, bro? Up top!

But the older one is all freaky and loud! Plus, she’s in med school, so she’ll be super-busy for the next ten years and really easy to cheat on. You really win either way, but definitely keep screwing both of them as long as possible.

(You are an asshole.)