By now you’ve probably seen the ESPN segment in which Tom Brady cries while recounting the story of being drafted in the sixth round in 2000 (video below, also at Deadspin). It’s anyone’s guess whether this is a genuinely emotional moment or part of super-troll master plan, but it’s certainly not an isolated case of tears. In a KSK EKSKLUSIVE, we’ve learned through sources that Tom Brady cries in countless scenarios:
- The latest Japanese earthquake
- Rory McIlroy’s back nine
- All of the attention being paid to Peyton Manning’s twins
- The Sarah MacLachlan ASPCA commercial
- Watching his favorite Borders closing up shop for the last time
- Haircuts
- Spiders
- Gay Penguins
- The end of FreeDarko
- Infomercials with fat people struggling to use antiquated exercise equipment
- Proposed cuts to Planned Parenthood
- Sunsets
- Excessive corkage fees
- Obese pets
- American flags
- Slow-motion replays of Wes Welker catches
- First signs of Gisele aging
- New York Times paywall
- The last ten minutes of Million Dollar Baby
- The first ten minutes of Saving Private Ryan
- Those candy-caned-looking barber poles
- Three unopened text messages from Bridge
- Michigan football
- Steve Carell leaving “The Office”
- The dentist
- The English Patient
- Labor negotiations
- The lack of labor negotiations
- Whatever the hell is going on in Libya
-
Seeing John Boehner cry
- Super Bowl XLII
I’m sure we’ve forgotten a few. Yours in the comments.
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Mandy,
Ben wasn’t getting laid because the girl scouts selling cookies had a restraining order aginst him.
I am a Pat’s fan but Kid rock sums it up best on Roll on:
“Money and success,
I don’t complain about the stress.
i wanted this and now it’s here.
So I don’t bitch.”
Fuck all you players, actors, politicians and rock stars who bitch about the media.
Go flip burgers.
>sorry if that offends any of the minimum wage workers who were forced off welfare that are visiting this site.
>> not really sorry, you should have graduated high school.
May 28, 2007 – “Goodbye Marquise Hill! Now you can have ice cream in heaven. I’ll see you tonight when I go to bed…in my head movies. But this head movie…makes my eyes rain!”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jPZvYIBQJuA
Michael Jordan thinks The Brady 6 is petty and narcissistic.
Hey! Leave the vagina out of this. Weeelll, okay. Brady did cry before, during, and at the end of The Vagina Monologues.
Waitwaitwait….you’re telling me that a 2 time Superbowl MVP with millions of dollars and a supermodel wife was one of the 224 best prospects leaving college college 11 FUCKING YEARS AGO…and is brought to tears because that wasn’t good enough for him? Would he rather have been taken by the goddam Browns number 1?
I want to punch Tom Brady in the vagina.
All I have to say as a Patriots fan is “Ouch”.
/shows self out
More stuff Brady cries about:
-Being in Boston at any time of the year
-Two Girls One Cup
-One Man One Jar
-”that time of the month”
-Lassie
When he loses the Longest Road Card in Settlers of Cattan.
When someone called him GAY for his GAY Uggs.
Also Tom Cried when he heard they discontinued that Coconut scented Axe Hair Gel he was so fond of.
•Infomercials with fat people struggling to use antiquated exercise equipment
This one slayed me for some reason.
To be honest I pretty much cry everytime Sarah McLaughlin sings anything.
She rips my heart out with every frigging note.
/Gay for Sarah.
He cried when he heard Oprah was ending her show after all these years. He also cried when he realized that he’d never be on as a guest. Then Giselle punched him in the nads and told him to “man the fuck up you Cali-bitch.” Brady was then seen sniffling while wiping his eyes and choking back fresh tears.
/true story
Chopped onions…eaten off the delicate and goddesslike gluteals of Giselle while they roll in cash.
For the record I also masturbated to Lea Thompson in Space Camp, Back to the Future, Back to the Future II, Back to the future III, and various Caroline in the City episodes. However the rumor that I masturbated to Lea Thompson in The Little Rascals is absolutely 100% untrue. You have no evidence.
Tom Brady cried at the end of A.I., even though he knows it wasn’t a very good movie.
Err, that’s Lea Thompson.
Fantasy Football says:
April 12th, 2011 at 12:53 am
Brady also cries:
…snip…
- Howard the Duck
To be fair I also cried during Howard the Duck. Also I masturbated to Leah Thompson.
In an ironic twist, and as further proof of his trolling prowess, Tom Brady did not cry when being shown the famous T.O. “That’s My Quarterback” clip. Unsubstantiated reports claim he snickered.
Brady cries when Gisele doesn’t let him use the masterbatorium.
Anybody read Simmons’ latest ? Talk about a need for a takedown. Either his kid is going to be super-grounded or in therapy for years. There is no middle ground.
NOBODY DENIES THIS !
Wow, we certainly have a lot of Brady cocksuckers here (well, three anyway). We all know what his team, he and his coach have done over the years, great, hurrah even. However that doesn’t change two things; Pats fans suck diarrhea ass and swallow (the Tawmmy ones anyway), and well, just watch the video again.
@snake_11s – Christ, don’t get me started on Ben. You know why the Steelers lost the Super Bowl? Because he wasn’t getting laid. No one gave his fiancee the “oral is moral” chat, and the fans are the ones who suffer. I mentioned this theory to my boyfriend, and he told me I should’ve flown down to TX and taken one for the team. Like I’d have a choice.
Brady also cries:
- When watching Billy Elliot
- When Gisele beats him
- When he hears “I am every women”
- When he eats spicy food
- When he breaks a nail
- Drops his ice cream cone
- Clowns
- Talk of ghosts
- Howard the Duck
/points at rage boner
//sees self out
If you’ve knocked up a smoking hot actress, are currently banging the world’s richest super model, done GQ covers, won three super bowls, two super bowl mvps, two league mvps, comeback player of the year, happen to be the most successful troll on the internet, and still get choked up at the memory of how shitty it was going in the 6th round, you definitely have your priorities straight as a football player, always burning to prove yourself. meanwhile, eli still gets rage boners at the thought of the san diego chargers having the audacity to draft him first overall while consistently putting in mediocre performances every season.
i bet brady wins at least one more super bowl within the next 3 years, bitches.
…& then the cameraman started crying too. Not so much from what Tom was saying, but because he had his own thing going on… whatever, it was very cool.
He cries every time the hillbilly makes Ned Beatty squeal like a pig.
Wait, that’s wrong, Brady gets erect every time Ned Beatty squeals like a pig.
How many kids that go undrafted 10 years ago are playing in the playoffs? No wonder you don’t hear from them. No one gives a shit.
I had to google the Christian the Lion reference, I bet you are a big teletubbies fan also.
Also he cries while watching the Christian the Lion video.
Jon, I think it has more to do with the fact that the pussy STILL cant get over the fact that he was picked so damn low.
Shit, how many kids go undrafted every year and do they whine 10 fuck years later?
Off topic:
The WNBA draft, these transvestites could really fool someone when they dress like women.
Jon,
I agree, the guy can wear his grandmother’s panties for a jock strap and accessorize with an Indiana Jones satchel. He has walked off the Super bowl a winner more times than the whole “first family” combined and only Big Ben is challenging him for most wins thanks to Jerome Bettis.
Mandy,
I spent more at the strip club last weekend, can I get your phone number?
Powepuff girls were a positive influence on my girls, I respect that.
I understand the Steelers connection since the AFC South is the expansion/relocation division.
Also, what are your thoughts on Ben being so respectful of a woman to not move in together before marriage?
Don’t hate on Brady here. 3 Championships and 2 NFL MVPs. He can do whatever the hell he wants.
@snake_11s- I am from Indy, but I’m actually a Steelers fan (also, I’m not fat). You don’t have to be a Colts fan to enjoy a Tom Brady/Pats choke job, do you?
As for blowing Peyton Manning…well, how much money is involved? Give me $500 and a couple of mojitos and I’ll think about it.
The last 10 minutes of Spygate footage?
Mandy,
Let me guess…you are a fat hump.
I’d say go blow peyton but he prefers Dallas Clark.
When Antonio Cromartie fathers another child (endless weeping, mate).
Oddly enough he doesn’t cry when Dick Vermeil does, weird.
When he lost the “Best Actress” Oscar to Natalie Portman.
When Ina Garten wouldn’t cook with him after he choked in the playoffs 2 years in a row.
When Tomjira jumps rope with jeans on.
When Sweet Lou is an unfunny homer.
Whenever Bridget Moynahan calls his cell phone.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mC39vIJcWOE
Oh, Sweet Lou.
Take the rubber bands off your face, get a haircut, lose twenty pounds and join us in real life where Tom Brady is the would’s douchiest douche that ever douched a douche.
He crys everytime Peyton chokes in the Playoffs.
@Sweet Lou; long time lurker, first time troller?
Dad, you are such a total pussy. Man the fuck up.Thnak God Mom dumped your faggoty ass. Now I have a chance at hetrosexuality.
One more thing,, Pop-make sure we get our share of game checks.
Jet Moynihan
When Darth Vader goes “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” at the end of Revenge Of The Sith.
Thing is, that time he was right.
Okay, it’s official–any time the word “douche” gets used it is now mandatory that Tom Brady’s sobbyface picture follows it.
Give me five minutes alone with him … with a baseball bat and ten people swearing I was elsewhere. Douche. Douche. DOUCHE!!!
/hey, throw in Roethlisberger and Cutler while you’re at it
//I will rid the world of douchebag QBs
Proposed cuts to Planned Parenthood
In Mr. Brady’s defense, every professional male athlete probably gets a little weepy/nervous when they realize the women they get pregnant may not have access to abortion services.
/sees Brady crying
//thinks of this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ee925OTFBCA
If you don’t get emotional when you see the ASPCA commercial then I hope you get ass cancer and have to watch someone you love get lung cancer.
Sorry but Tom Brady is a man’s man. The guy has earned every thing he’s gotten. Stick that up your sphincter.
Earl Campbell’s Sausage says:
“Oddly enough, all the things that make him cry give me an erection.”
Earl; weird, like a perpetual motion machine, since he cries when you get an erection….
RE The Sarah MacLachlan ASPCA commercial
Who doesn’t cry during that commercial? That and the “I am a good dog and I just want to go home” TV spot. Gets me every time.
When he gets rickrolled.
That evil bastard is just trying to free Loki.
Every single Manning (both) commercial.
@perpetualjoe – And every minute of Shaving Ryan’s Privates.
When the CITGO sign at Fenway is lit.
When he thinks about the possibility of Danny Woodhead being on the cover of Madden.
When Simmons writes about walking his dog and about his dad falling asleep.
When he watches Steel Magnolias.
When he thinks about Steel Magnolias.
When he overhears someone saying the words “steel” or “magnolias.”
When another person gets sucked into the event horizon of Buffalo’s black whole of draft information distribution.
The last 10 minutes of “Saving Ryan’s Privates”
Oddly enough, all the things that make him cry give me an erection.
When he realizes that Justin Bieber’s new haircut looks way better than his.
Two words: Bernard Pollard; also I hear he tears up at the mention of Randy Moss’ name – not because he misses the half-assing on his routes, but because of the soft-sensual caresses in the post-game shower. He has big, soft hands. Or so I hear…
While eating Ben and Jerry’s and watching Pretty Woman.
When he uses his last tampon.
• Godley & Cream videos
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h-mI3nuCjss&feature=related
Any time he sees a plastic bag caught in an updraft.
-All the other average college quartbacks who didn’t get to play under Billy Belichick.
while masturbating
Princess Diana’s Death..
This article makes an excellent point. Fuck the New York Times.
Even Glenn Beck thinks this is a puss move.
when he has to do long division and has a remainder?
when Peter King fails to deliver food that make him vomit
• Really just wants to Sing! Sing! Sing!