Judge Susan Nelson: Did you know I could end your silly football lockout this very day, if I so chose? That’s right – I hold the key to whether you drooling misogynists get your weekly barbaric excuse to pummel your wives and neglect your children. How do you like that?

Oh sure, there are legal niceties and precedent to consider. A complex and significant labor case such as this could never be settled by the arbitrary whim of a spiteful termagant. Yeah right. And I still get waxed every month.

The buck stops here, baby. You want NFL Sundays? You tongue bathe the drapes. Make ‘em glisten. They don’t call ‘em oral arguments for nothing.

What’s that? You don’t need me to resolve the standoff? It could just fix itself? You suppose that even if I keep the lockout going that the players and the owners could reach an understanding before your any of your precious football gets canceled. Fat chance. I know you pig-headed buffoons. I married one and raised two others. You can never see the big picture. You can’t put anything ahead of your own selfish interests.

Explain why I should bail you out. It is, after all, the vast expanse of money that countless men have squandered ahead of more practical, more necessary things that these jackasses are fighting over. Money that could have been saved toward college for the kids. Money that could have been fancy vacations. Money that could have fixed this haircut. You brought this on your selves and it’s time you reap what you sow.

Oh, I know. “Female football fans suffer, too.” You mean the same bunch of broads who have spent years calling me brittle for not wanting to join the objectification parade and listen to grown men refer to everyone as a bitch? Hate to disappoint them. No, it’s going to take a little more than that to make me sympathetic to the fans’ plight.

[Drew Brees appears and rips rubber mask off Nelson]

Jerry Richardson: AHHHHHH! CURSE YOU, PLAYERS! I DON’T KNOW WHO TIPPED YOU OFF, BUT IT WAS PROBABLY THAT OLD FAGGOT COMMIE, ROONEY!

IT MATTERS NOT! WE WILL HAVE OUR LOCKOUT. AND ONE DAY, YOU WON’T BE ABLE TO TAKE A PISS WITHOUT BEING TESTED FOR HGH! YOU HEAR ME? GET READY FOR THE 36-GAME SEASON, ASSHOLES!