Japanese Nuclear Plant Worker #1: Yashido, we cannot stay at this plant much longer.
Japanese Nuclear Plant Worker #2: No Masuhatu, we MUST stabilize this reactor, to protect our country.
Japanese Nuclear Plant Worker #1: But we’ll die!
Japanese Nuclear Plant Worker #2: That doesn’t matter. I don’t want to keep on living if it means knowing I didn’t do everything I could to save our people. We will stop this leak, damn the consequences.
LOUDSPEAKER: Attention Fukushima employees, we have just been informed that yet another Earthquake has been detected off of the Northeast coast. A tsunami warning is now in effect for the entire coast.
Japanese Nuclear Plant Worker #1: No!
Japanese Nuclear Plant Worker #2: It’s not fair! It’s not fair after all the sacrifices we’ve made! Truly, I don’t know if there is ANYONE out there right now experiencing this kind of bad luc…
(sealed radioactive vault door flies open)
Tommy: FACK YOU! FACK YOU! FACK YOU! You rotten nips think you ahhhh the only ones in crisis?! THE FACKIN’ RED SAWX AHHHHHHH OH AND SIX!
(jumps rope with jeans on)
Japanese Nuclear Plant Worker #1: How on Earth did you get in here? You don’t have clearance?
Tommy: (points to tattoo of the name YAZ in cursive) THIS is my fackin’ clearance! You think you know suffering? Try NAWT winning a World Series since 2007! All the baby cancahhhhh in the warld can’t be worse! This was supposed to be ow-ah yeeeah! Adrian Gonzalez! Cahhhhhl Crahhhhfard! FACKIN’ JAWN LESTAH IS LETTIN’ US DOWN! I guess he should get ahhhmpit cancah again! Hand me that urineanium so I can give him a souveni-ah! COURTESY OF THE TAWMSTAH!
Japanese Nuclear Plant Worker #1: Sir, you must leave here at once.
Tommy: FACK YOU, SHAHT ROUND! I am nawt through putting you in yar Jap place! You people make me throw up. “Wahhhhhhhh! We gawt floods! Wahhhhhh we ahhh having a meltdown!” You talk about meltdowns? Let’s talk Jacoby Ellsbury’s batting average! THAT IS A FACKIN’ DEFCAWN TEN SITUATION, AND I DO NAWT THINK YOU FULLY UNDAHSTAND THE IMPACT IT HAS ON THE WARLD!
Oh, you should have heard my fathah on the phone last night. “Tawmmy,” he said to me, “Do you think we’ll make it?” And I choked up. And I said him, “I don’t know, pawp. I just don’t know…”
SO FACK YOU! Who cay-ahs about this piece of shit country? Let it fackin’ DIE. You ahhh too smawll mahhket to survive! NO ONE DENIES THIS!
(hires Katie Baker for new website)
Japanese Nuclear Plant Worker #1: Actually, we have quite the baseball tradition here in Japa…
Tommy: I’m sawrry? Ching chang chong chokes on dick? Rove you rawng time? SPEAK FACKIN’ PRAWPAH ENGLISH!
Japanese Nuclear Plant Worker #1: (to co-worker) Do you understand what he’s saying?
Japanese Nuclear Plant Worker #2: Not a word of it.
Tommy: I am here-ah to officially declay-ah a SAWX emergency! It is time to FACKIN’ panic! Abandon this stupid plant now, and give your-ah Bawston Red Sawx the support they deserve! HOW CAN ANYONE DISLIKE THE ‘TEK?!
Japanese Nuclear Plant Worker #1: Actually, we like the Yomiuri Giants.
Tommy: The what? The fack is that, like some slope version of the Mahhhlins?! THAT IS NAWT A REAL TEAM, AND YOU DO NAWT UNDAHSTAND TRUE BASEBALL!
Japanese Nuclear Plant Worker #1: Sir, you have to wear a Hazmat suit! PLEASE! It’s for your own safety!
Tommy: FACK YOU! I grew up in the hahhhdest town in the warld! Did you nawt see “The Town”? Do you nawt grasp the grittiest of ow-ah hometown? We’ve survived everything! WE AHHH SURVIVAHS! We made it through The Curse, Lenny Bias, Reggie Lewis, and integration! I CAN SURVIVE ANYTHING!
Except maybe Perk leaving the C’s. Oh, how my fathahhh hated that trade! “Why’d they trade Perk?” he asked me. “He warked hahhhd! HE WAS THE WHITEST DAHKIE I EVER SAW!”
Japanese Nuclear Plant Worker #1: Oh no!
Japanese Nuclear Plant Worker #2: What?
Tommy: Ahhhh… WHAT’S HAPPENING TO MY FACKIN’ BAWDY?! I feel so strong!
(can dip six tins of Kodiac at once)
(sprouts eight new Red Sox tattoos)
(knows every lyric to every Daughtry song)
Japanese Nuclear Plant Worker #1: Oh no! Tomjira!!!!
Tommyzilla: MUST KILL FAGGOTS!
(quintuples in size)
(stomps on nearby Hideki Matsui-owned restaurant)
Japanese Nuclear Plant Worker #1: We have to stop him!
Tommyzilla: I WILL EAT YAR FACKIN’ CITY! MUST FEED MONSTROUS SELF-PITY! I CRAVE DUNKIN’!
Japanese Nuclear Plant Worker #2: My friend, I think it’s time to leave here.
Japanese Nuclear Plant Worker #1: Fair enough. God help us all.
Tommyzilla: COME BACK HERE-AHHHHH! CAN’T YOU WE AHHH LOSING TO NEW YARK AS WE SPEAK?!!! OH AND SEVEN IS THE GREATEST TRAGEDY OF OW-AH TIME!!! I’D FACK AN ASIAN GARL!
I want more like this!
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