When we last left Kiperism dispenser Peter King, he was invading Jim Harbaugh’s dreams (plant the Illy can in the vault!), marveling at the handcrafted loveliness of the manual scoreboard (it’s the typewriter of Jumbotrons!), and getting lied to by the Patriots. Nobody gets lied to by the Patriots more often or more easily than Peter. I think.

So what about this week? Is there a little Fenway/Augusta to the Atlantic City Starbucks? Will Peter rediscover the Texas School Book Depository for the ninth time? It feels like a historical spot because it IS a historical spot. And will we ever get an update on the Texas Rangers? Tell you in a few paragraphs, Jon. And what did Peter mean this morning when he tweeted “RIP AMC”? Did mean the channel, because it seems to be thriving. Did he mean the theater chain, which no doubt extorted him? POSSIBLY. Which AMC was it? READ ON.

Very quiet in Laborville, isn’t it?

VERY quiet. There’s more than a little Coltland/Bengaldom to Laborville right now.

And aren’t we all happy about that?

Uh… no?

Ten days before the draft begins, I’ve got a draft-education MMQB…

OH SHIT YEAH! It’s first grade in draftology 101! Are you prepared? SORT OF.

I’ve got Bill Belichick with Mark Ingram in his back pocket…

“I can’t wait to run ill-advised fake punts with this fine young man. Now, off to the Holiday Inn to wrenchfuck a 46-year-old.”

But I begin down the New Jersey Turnpike in an office park 40 minutes outside of Philly, with a man about to get very emotional.

Pretty emotional for someone in the middle of something emotional.

What I found most amazing about (Steve) Sabol is his desire to talk about everything. I mean, anything I wanted to bring up, he welcomed.

“Steve, let’s talk about cloudy that damn moon is.”

“Okay.”

“And later, I want to share with you a voice mail I saved from Mike Munchak.”

“Okay.”

“Did I ever tell you about the time my fax machine broke, and the lady at the Conrad Hotel took ten whole minut…”

“Now you’re pushing your luck, fat man.”

“I’ve got to ask you something morbid,” I said.

What if you can NEVER drink coffee again, Steve?

Out of the blue (Sabol) said, “Who knows? I could be around until the Super Bowl in New York.”

You hear that, league office? This man wants to go to the Super Bowl in 2014 and you’re going to let him FREEZE TO DEATH. Shame on thee!

Ten things I learned about the draft this week:

1. Jake Locker will be drafted somewhere between #4 and #87.
2. Sort of.
3. Maybe.
4. Maybe she’s born with it.
5. MAYBE IT’S MAYBELLINE.
d. If I’m the Panthers, I skip the draft, hire Derek Jeter to be my intangibles coach, and then I sit back and pop the bubbly.
{: Who uses the { bracket? Seems like a waste of a good keyboard key.
Q: I know something about Ryan Mallett. Something very deep and dark that could affect not just his life, but the lives of hundreds of people. But I don’t really know if it’s true, so… LATERZ!
ix: It’s not impossible that the Chargers will draft some sort of guinea pig dressed as a Solami pirate. Not saying it WILL happen, but it’s more likely to happen than you think. Call it 3-2 odds.
10. Who put this pear in my rollerboard? It’s been here for weeks! Wait, did I put it there?

Falling: Alabama running back Mark Ingram (running backs are so cold), Temple defensive tackle Muhammad Wilkerson and Arkansas quarterback Ryan Mallett. Mallett might go 15 (Miami). He might go 49 (Jacksonville).

Will he go to Miami? MAYBE. Will he fall all the way to Jacksonville? POSSIBLY. Are his prospects Olbermann-O’Reilly bad? IT’S IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER.

Talked to one team Sunday that has scratched Baylor nose tackle Phil Taylor (foot) from its draft board and two others that haven’t. I could see him going as high as 21.

Call it quasi-21ish.

Ryan Mallett’s mobility is becoming a big concern. It always has been.

You know what’s becoming a concern? That thing that’s always been a concern.

“You know, it’s a shame about Ed.”

“Oh, it was. Yeah, it was really a shame. To go so suddenly like that.”

“Ahh, he was dying for years.”

“Sure, but… the end was really… very sudden.”

“He was in intensive care for eight weeks!”

“Yeah, but I mean the very end, when he actually died. That was extremely sudden.”

Seattle wants to trade down so bad from 25 that John Schneider can taste it.

I CAN TASTE ITS POWER. Nothing tastes better than a potential minor draft-day trade that has yet to take full shape.

10. The Panthers have put a nice lid on Cam Newton news emanating from their building.

Smells like iconism!

Looks like they’ll take him number one, but no one can swear to it.

He’ll go #1, or somewhere between 15 and 49. I could see him going at 21. I could ALSO see him going at 5. It’s NOT inconceivable. Now at number 9.8? I.m dubious.

Adam Schefter was right this week when he said, in essence, Minnesota and Donovan McNabb. Perfect together.

GAHHHHH NOOOOO FUCK YOU!

You know what’s perfect together? Donovan McNabb and fucking RETIREMENT. That’s the only perfect match, you glossy cunts!

Because I feel (Greg Cosell is) so prescient, I asked him if he would be good enough to take 10 intriguing players in this draft and analyze them for Monday Morning Quarterback.

Because I really don’t know anything, let me yet again bring in someone who actually knows stuff. Kudos to you, Greggy!

His insight is not full of cliche. It’s full of facts, some of which you can’t find anywhere else.

Certainly not in the rest of this column. Say, does Laborville have a Peet’s? Because I could really go for a cinnamon whipped dulciatto.

That’s why I’m airing out the film study of Cosell today. I want you to know the truth.

You hear that? You are getting the hard TRUTH. No half-truths or slight truths here! Call it a legit 40% chance you get the FULL truth of this truth!

”Christian Ponder, QB, Florida State (high-second round): Showed a strong arm against Oklahoma, with good juice on intermediate throws. Seems similar to Mark Sanchez.”

/hides niece from Christian Ponder

This is what Jon Gruden should be doing, and I told him so.

THIS GUY… THIS GUY should be out there doing this!

The second annual “SportsCenter Special: Gruden’s Quarterback Camp” show, featuring five top quarterback prospects for the 2011 draft, will air Thursday night at 7 p.m. Eastern. Gruden analyzed video and worked out Andy Dalton, Blaine Gabbert, Jake Locker, Ryan Mallett and Cam Newton on a field at the University of South Florida. I’ve watched a few snippets of the show, and I’m more convinced than ever that this is Gruden’s calling. This is what he should be doing full-time.

You know what Jon Gruden should be doing full time? A show that only happens once annually. Totally makes sense. He’s becoming good at it. He’s ALWAYS been good at it.

I know he wants to coach again, but with all due respect, he’s one of many coaches who knows what he’s doing.

I know! So many GREAT football coaches out there right now, like… uh… well, Pete Carroll was good in college! Sort of! Awesome coaches are otherwise a dime a dozen! That’s why Norv Turner has won thirty Super Bowls!

By the way, I strongly dispute that Jon Gruden knows what he’s doing. Because if he were actually running a team, he’d draft all five of those QB’s and then cut three of them.

He might be the only one, however, who can look a prospect in the eye and talk to him, acerbically and authoritatively.

TRUTH: Jon Gruden is the only coach in the world who will talk to players as if he is some kind of authority figure. Coaches are usually so subtle and evasive. You think Tom Coughlin has any acerbicnessity in him? CHILD PLEASE. The man is far too gentle.

Gruden shot back (at Jake Locker): “Your ability to run is a weapon and a resource that has to be there for you for about the next 10 years of your career. You don’t want to abuse that.”

BOOM ROASTED! You hear Gruden dig into Locker’s ASS like that? Fucking no one else out there is gonna give it to him straight like that. Let’s hear more of Gruden’s HARDCOCKED CANDOR:

On Newton: “I’ve heard all the thunderstorms about his football character and his work ethic. When I was with him, he was great — bright-eyed, eager, sharp, coachable, into it, alert, smart. I’d love to have a chance to get this guy. He can run over you and through you. Do you realize he ran for 1,500 yards last year? In the SEC.”

Gruden to Jake Locker: Don’t run do goddamn much.

Gruden on Cam Newton: WOW HE’S REAL FUCKING GOOD AT RUNNING! THIS YOUNG MAN HAS CHARACTER.

(Ryan) Mallett, he said, had the advantage of being coached hard by a guy who knows what he’s doing offensively, Arkansas coach Bobby Petrino. “Ryan’s parents were both teachers, and he responded well to Petrino,” Gruden said.

Again, more spot-on truths from the only honest coach left on Earth. I like Ryan Mallett because he was a teacher’s kid, which is only just one step below coach’s kid on my AWESOME KID metric chart. At the bottom of that chart? Skateboarder’s kid.

“I think you can get on his ass.”

“I think you can yell at him and stuff. Hallmark of a great player.”

Gruden’s careful not to pass judgment on the five guys…

He’s here to give you the TRUTH. But let’s not be too hasty with these young men, Peter…

Funny thing: When (Jeff) Fisher first looked up Mount Kilimanjaro, he saw the height was about 6,000 … and he though it was 6,000 feet. Nope. Meters.

Whoa hey, meters! How much more is that? I DON’T KNOW MATHISHNESS.

Multiply times three and a fraction.

Phew! Thank God Peter was there to save me with his handy conversion.

/the fraction in question is actually 3.28, which means 6,000 meters is roughly 20,000 feet. But that hardly matters in context.

Vince Wilfork, the rollicking Patriots nose tackle who is to New England what Big Papi is to the Red Sox has joined the starry cast for the Matt Light Lockout Breakfast to be held April 26 at the Liberty Hotel in Boston

Peter fourteen months ago: “A little advice for Vince Wilfork: Not a smart thing to talk about how much you’re being disrespected and how much of an insult it is when you can show up at work on Day 1 next year and be guaranteed $7 million if you’re franchised by the Patriots. Not today. Not in this economy.”

Peter today: HE JOINED MY BENEFIT! WHAT A ROLLICKING FELLOW! THERE’S A BIT OF FENWAY/WRIGLEY TO HIM!

I’ll host and give a draft tidbit or two…

Or bring in Greg Cosell to deliver those nuggets for me.

Sounds like a great morning for all you lawyers — clubhouse and otherwise — to come and get the scoop on the labor deal, or lack thereof.

Sounds like a great chance for you to get some valuable information, except that I don’t have any.

“The stat guys are idiots. I mean it very strongly.”

n CBS analyst Phil Simms, to The Big Lead.

How strongly? Is there some kind of metric I can use to measure your emphasis?

By the way, having Phil Simms cuss out math to The Big Lead is so perfect. Only Peter commenting on it makes it more perfect.

I’ll leave the emphasis the way The Big Lead wrote it for the rest of Simms’ quote about third-down efficiency for quarterbacks: “That means nothing. I could not care less. My face gets red thinking about that stat. WHO CARES! Well get him out of there on third down! Keep him in on first and second down!”

What?

”You’re not drafting his college coach or his college team. You’re drafting Blaine Gabbert. These numbers … why do I need numbers? … Believe what your eye tells you.”

So true. Why does anyone need numbers? I see the sun in the air, I know it’s daytime. NO CLOCK NEEDED. I see a team get a touchdown, I know they’re probably winning. FUCK THE SCORE. Numbers are fucking GAY. Did Jesus need numbers? No. No, he did not. He lived to… some nice age, and then an indeterminate number of people had HEEM killed. NUMBERS ONLY SPOIL THE HISTORY.

“I have never looked at one quarterback ever on tape through all the years and then when it’s done, I have never even thought, ‘What were his numbers?’ I never have. It has never even crossed my mind.”

I think we need to get Phil and Joe Morgan in the same booth IMMEDIATELY. Just to watch Mike Schur’s head explode. You know how I measure the greatness of Tom Brady? By telling my grandkids I had the honor of seeing him play. Let’s see a YPC stat communicate that.

“If he’s not a top 10 player [in this draft], then I quit.”

-Simms, on Ryan Mallett, the Arkansas quarterback, to Pat Kirwan and Tim Ryan, on Sirius NFL Radio’s “Moving the Chains.”

/prays for Mallet to not be drafted in top ten

I might want to put a latte on that one right there.

And here begins Peter’s rather bizarre habit of betting lattes on things. WATCH AND SEE!

Boomer Esiason turned 50 yesterday. Did you know how big a hockey person he is?

Did you realize there’s something about Boomer Esiason that you won’t give a shit about?

For his birthday, he sat in his 12th-row-behind-the-visitors-bench seats at Game 3 of the Caps-Rangers series at Madison Square Garden…

Hmmm. I wonder if he booed Ovechkin on the Cap star’s second-period goal.

I bet you a latte he booed Ovechkin on the Cap star’s second-period goal

Whoa hey Peter put a latte on it! I AIN’T TAKING THAT BET!

What’s with Peter betting al ate on everything? Is that his currency? Does he tip cabbies in coffee beans, and leave espresso shots for the staff at the Conrad when they clean his room?

Just a quick one this week, from the Acela Quiet Car. Had a trip from New York to Boston the other day, and was whispering (truly) to the man in the seat next to me.

LEGIT whisper.

After about three minutes of that, a man directly behind us said, “Excuse me. Sorry, but no conversations on the Quiet Car.”

You don’t shush the King, good sir. That man learned all about quietude from Tony Dungy.

That’s not entirely true. Very quiet conversations like the one we were having are allowed.

So TAKE THAT, quiet police! I bet a Kit Kat I was quieter than YOU!

I think you can blame this opinion on me being friends with Bob Papa if you wish, but it’s downright foolish for NFL Network to be playing with his job by making him audition for it. Foolish. There’s no other word.

How is Papa sitting in a booth with Mike Mayock going to sway anyone’s opinion of him?

Because the dynamic between a play-by-play announcer and various analysts can wildly differ, so perhaps the League is looking to see if Papa and Mayock are a good match?

Papa’s the ultimate solid play-by-play man, with strong lines and excellent set-up capability.

And have seen how much he travels? The man is a modern day Magellan.

I love listening to him, because I learn things.

Did you know it’s THIRD down right now? This guy knows himself some football! (NOTE: Phil Simms says making note of the down is for fags.)

I think the reason it’s so difficult to place the quarterbacks in the proper order in this draft is simple: Different teams like different players.

Which is untrue in ANY OTHER DRAFT, where opinions of players are uniform across all teams.

John Mara’s not an alternate juror anymore. He’s a real live juror on that South African drug case in Manhattan, because another juror was excused, and the intrepid AP reporter on the case, Larry Neumeister, says the conscientious, note-taking Mara might even be elected jury foreman when the group retires to deliberate.

That’s how admired of Mara is in juror circles. But you better have a Starbucks in that courtroom, because he’ll go running out for his espresso at any minute. I’d bet a Triple Candy Cane Douchatto on it.

I don’t know how it’s possible for Steve Carell and Will Ferrell to be on the same 30-minute sitcom, playing off each other, and not be funny. But that was the case Thursday night on “The Office.” So unfunny, I thought, that it was awkward.

And where was NARD DOG? NARD DOG could rescue any bad comedic repartee.

RIP, “All My Children,” the soap of my youth.

Of course! Of course Peter was referring to “All My Children” as AMC. I should have known he meant the oldest and least relevant AMC of them all!

Phoebe Tyler. Langley Wallingford. Erica Kane. Etched in my subconscious.

Forever. Like the sands of the hourglass… so were the days of my DAMMIT WRONG SHOW!

Soap Quiz: For how many years did Susan Lucci play that little vixen, Erica Kane, on AMC? (See answer at bottom.)

And did you know Susan Lucci ADORES the New York Rangers?

Congrats, Justin Masterson. Three wins for a great guy.

I’m going to assume this has to do with baseball and just move on.

And Jered Weaver — I looked up on Tax Day and saw him 4-0. What pitcher in history had four wins by the time we all had to pay our taxes?

I don’t know. Why don’t you ask Tom Verducci’s column and leave me alone?

And Josh Beckett, Texas boy, throwing seven superb innings in 31-degree windchill at Fenway Saturday against Toronto.

GAHHHH NOT IN A WINDCHILL! SUCH BRAVERY!

Stop slapping around the Globe’s Pete Abraham, Red Sox readers and tweeters. The guy’s a gem. He’s tough when he has to be, and he’s had to be a few times this year, obviously.

Indeed, who knew Boston fans could overreact to the opinions of local columnists and radio hosts?

Relax, Carl Crawford.

And two chill pills for you too, Adrian Gonzalez!

Coffeenerdness: Guy in front of me the other day in Starbucks in the South End of Boston ordered a tall quad latte. I said to him: “Is there any room for milk in that?” Four espresso shots in a tall cup? That’s hardcore.

Fucking SOLDIER of coffee is what that guy is. No fucking around with him. He takes his four shots in one cup and he’s off. He’s the Gruden of caffeine addicts, that’s for sure. Makes Charlie Sheen look like a day care teacher.

Hang in there, Jess Sarfati. Better days are ahead.

I’d bet a nutmeg au lait that you get better.