Draft day mailbag! Let’s get right into it.

Dear KSK,
Football first: We’re allowed just one keeper in my 12 team league, and while the obvious choice a year ago would’ve been CJ23, I’m leaning towards Jamaal Charles because he seems more fresh. Or do I just go with Tom Brady?

I think you’re right to pick Charles. Don’t get me wrong: Chris Johnson is still an amazing running back (and fuck you for having him and Jamaal and Tom Brady on your fantasy team at the same time), but I think Charles is posed for an even more dominant year in 2011. Keep in mind that he was third in rushing yardage in the NFL without being his team’s primary back. Oh sure, Charles put up much better numbers than Thomas Jones, but that’s only because Todd Haley hates fantasy football more than he likes his job. The knock on Charles is that he doesn’t get into the end zone, which is an expediently stupid way of ignoring his OBSCENE 6.4 yards per carry and more than 10 yards per reception. Jamaal Charles is a live wire: an electric current capable of holding a football.

Sex–ish: In one of my undergrad classes there is an extremely attractive grad student who is probably at least 6-7 years older than me. According to some friends of mine she’s giving me some clear signals but the fact that she’s much older and crazy hot gives me pause. We also are coworkers in a very large company where word gets around; although we rarely see each other there (different hours). I keep telling myself she’s way out of my league and trying not to get my hopes up, but I’m afraid my curiosity is going to end up making me look stupid. Is there a chance for me or should I just listen to my brain telling me to leave well enough alone?
-thinking I may be reaching too far

Well, the deck is certainly stacked against you, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you shouldn’t try. The typical complaints about younger men — and college men in particular — is that they’re immature and just want to do awesome stuff like drink beer and smoke weed and play video games. Thus many women, understandably, gravitate to men with jobs and pants that fit.

But regardless of age, women want men who are confident. So if you’re going to ask her out, just go up to her after class and say, “Hey, do you wanna get coffee some time?” It’s good for you, because it’s not like you’re asking her out-out, and it’s good for her because it’s just coffee — she can suss you out in a well-lit setting without fear of getting roofied and waking up dead. (Also, if you’re not 21 yet, it saves you the embarrassment of getting turned away by a bar’s bouncer after she’s already gone inside.) If she says yes, then you’re already halfway there. Just be sure to wear pants that fit and talk about your non-video game hobbies.

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Caveman,
FF: None as i’m into fantasy baseball right now and I have no real problems with my fantasy football leagues but I just love reading the columns so I figured I’d try a submission.

Okay, let’s do this! Your confidence and enthusiasm is positively ELECTRIC.

Sex: I’m interested in this girl as we have a lot in common, she’s fun, energetic, interesting, and more. She’s cute, but I feel like she could exercise a little more. I really enjoy my time with her; however, we are currently about 60 miles apart. She’s in law school and I work and am in grad school. She used to be a fantastic swimmer and in law school she stopped really going to the gym as much and it’s starting to show. Now this is not to say I’m vain but I would like to see her take care of herself. I feel if we were in the same place things would be different because I suggest her coming with me to the gym or on a run. So my question is this: how do i suggest her going to run/swim/gym? Or do I just have to accept it for now because we are far apart and a serious relationship really isn’t in the forecast?
-Part Time Ninja

Let me get this straight: you’re interested in this girl, but she lives an hour away and needs to lose some weight? My, but you have exacting standards.

I don’t know, Mr. Ninja. I’ve been bouncing ideas around in my head for ways you could bring this up to your girlfriend, and then I realize that she isn’t even your girlfriend. I understand that you’re attracted to her personality, but broaching the exercise/body appearance topic with a woman you’re not even dating is a minefield I wouldn’t want to enter. She’s either cute enough for you to date as is, or you should date women who better fit your mold. Hell, you go to grad school. There’s a campus! Don’t tell me you don’t have other options.

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Hey Caveman,
Fantasy football: I am the commissioner of my football league (and have been for 5 or 6 years) and quite frankly I’ve been sucking badly the past few years. I have finished in the bottom two, two of the last three years, and although I made the playoffs in 2009-10 it was pretty much solely because of Chris Johnson. I’m not that great and care a lot more about baseball than football. My question is should I step down and let someone else take commissioner, or as long as I’m fair does it not matter that I don’t care too much and that I suck?

Who gives a shit? Nobody needs the commissioner to have a good team. Just set up the draft and adjudicate disputes fairly.

Sex: I’ve been talking with this girl since about January and although we have never been physical I’m gaining the sense that we both have feelings or each other, and she’s the kind of girl that I think might be worth locking down. Problem is she is from my hometown and our colleges are about two hours apart. This wouldn’t matter much as summer break nears, except I’m leaving for an internship that is about half way across the country a week after I get out of school. Now I know you aren’t a big fan of long-distance relationships but I’ve been doing the hit it and quit it thing for a little bit and getting a little bored of it. The thing is I’ve never really been in a real relationship and don’t really know how to approach her and try to make things “official” or exclusive. I’m also against the clock as I will only have about a week to hang out with her before I leave. So how should I approach her and try to see how she would feel about getting in a relationship?
-J.C.

I’m going to try to phrase this as delicately as possible: you are retarded. “I’ve never been in a real relationship before, but I thought I’d try to start one during the one week I have at home so that I can spend my summer internship in a long-distance relationship.” Dude, I give advice. I don’t work miracles.

Listen, I totally understand being tired of booty calls and drunken hook-ups and all the other amazing aspects of college life. So let’s just say you somehow start up a relationship during the week that you’re home packing and catching up with friends. Then you go off to a shiny new city that’s filled with exciting sights and bars you’ve never been to and girls you’ve never seen. And one of your fellow interns is a beautiful girl named Amanda. Everyone in the office wants to hook up with her, but she’s creeped out by the older guys and wants to bond with you because you’re in the same position, and her auburn hair tumbles down past her shoulders and she always wears a shirt that offer just a hint of cleavage and she smells like a spring meadow at dusk. The two of you often talk over lunch about hoping you get jobs with the firm after you graduate, and you get an erection at your desk when you think about her.

Now who’s the asshole with a long-distance girlfriend? Oh, that’s right: it’s YOU.

Obviously, that story is fictional because no female on the planet is interested in a male intern, but it serves a larger point: you’re young and unattached and about to embark on a summer in a new place. You might be mentally ready for a relationship, but that doesn’t mean you have the right circumstances for one. So go home after the school year, hang out with your girl, hook up with her if that’s in the cards, and by all means tell her that you like her and you want to stay in touch over the summer. Maybe she can even visit you. But don’t rush into anything or make any promises.

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Bonjour Boner Buddies!
Football ALWAYS first: Fuck, there’s nothing to talk about in football this time of year, is there?

Well, there is this little thing called the NFL Draft that starts today.

Uh… is Mike Vick worth a first-round pick? He’ll ONLY break his leg if I draft him, right?

I think Vick is a top-tier fantasy quarterback, and I’d happily take him late in the first round or early in the second round. And yes, he will almost certainly break his leg if you draft him.

Sex: My girlfriend has sexual dreams of her with other women, and no, I’m not in them. No toys. Nothing fancy. She says it’s just naked kissing and sometimes fingering. Is this normal? I’ve noticed she likes looking at naked woman more than most girls I know. She says she likes admiring the bodies of woman she wishes she looked like, but that she’s not sexually attracted to them. Well, I’m not sexually attracted to men, hence why I don’t have dreams of messing around with them. Is this a girl thing, and more importantly, can I finagle a three-some out of this? Please say yes, but only if you really mean it.
Sincerely,
AAAW YEEEAAH! *Hi-Five*

This is a girl thing. Many straight women enjoy looking at other women with a mix of jealousy and non-sexual attraction that most straight men don’t really understand. And while your girlfriend’s softcore lesbian dreams may suggest that she’s less than 100% heterosexual, it’s also important to remember that dreams aren’t always a window into someone’s soul. Sometime they’re just random shit your brain cooks up while you sleep.

Anyway, men and women are just programmed differently when it comes to looking at members of the same sex. If you’re gunning for a threesome, approach it the same way you would with any new sexual act you want to try: by having a frank discussion about fantasies. Maybe she’ll yes, maybe she’ll say no. What do I look like, some kind of qualified psychologist?

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Dear KSK,
Final Fantasy Football: Dude, I’m over it. Don’t get me wrong, I will still be an ardent reader of your wonderful site while living and breathing professional football. Hell, I will probably even still play fantasy football out of the same compulsion that causes criminals to steal a pack of gum even after they’ve found Jesus.

I just don’t want to talk about playing fantasy football anymore. I’m tired of discussing bad beats, mindlessly arbitrary rules, and all the other facets that suck me dry of enthusiasm as a fan of the actual games. I remember being a teenager and thinking no further than, “Natrone Means came out of nowhere, how exciting!” As an adult, I can’t simply enjoy the emergence of Arian Foster from the ether because one of my loser friends stayed up until 4 a.m. to scoop him off waivers.

Chide me if you will, good sir.

Nah, those all seem like legitimate gripes. I love playing poker, but I absolutely HATE bad beat stories. It’s like, c’mon, you’re GAMBLING. What do you think is gonna happen?

Now with that self-indulgent but necessary bit of whining off my chest, it’s high time I asked a sex question.

I’ve smoked pot on a regular basis for a decade plus. I’ve learned to dose my intake based on the impending activities I’ll be undertaking. Staying in to watch a movie? Let ‘er rip. Going to a bar to meet friends? Stay medium and mellow. Funeral? Stick to water.

Up until my current relationship, one of my favorite activities to enjoy while zooted was sex. I found that being high enhanced my appreciation of every nuance and made the physical sensations more intense. However, for some reason, the greenery saps me of any desire when with my new girl. It’s kind of odd since ours is the best fornicatin’ I’ve ever fornicated while sober.

So my question is this: can the biochemistry between two people impact the effect of buds and booze on one’s libido? Maybe my subconscious is saying I simply don’t need any enhancement since she is extremely attractive and my emotions for her are stronger than the kushest of kush, but I can’t helping thinking a higher level with her would be nirvana.
-Pocket Rocket Man

So what’s the problem? That you’re enjoying sex without smoking pot? Congratulations, you’re in a mature relationship with someone you like and/or you’re showing signs of growing up.

Take this advice from a heavy drinker: unless you’re only having the doctor-approved single glass of red wine a day, doing less/fewer drugs — be it alcohol, weed, pills, or anything harder — is ALWAYS a good thing. Just enjoy your fantastic sober sex. Seriously, why did you even write me this email?

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This next letter is a response to one of last week’s emails. In case you don’t remember, Lil Wayne Chrebet wrote:

Pretty much every girlfriend and any other female friend I have had over the years has at some point told me that they were molested at a young age. I’ve heard stories of fathers, uncles, babysitters, religious figures, and family friends molesting them… are we just that fucked up of a society where a girl can’t make it to the age of 10 without someone molesting her?

Since I’m not an expert, I cited what statistics were on Wikipedia. Thankfully, a female reader replied and used this opportunity to segue into a discussion of rape.

Dear KSK,
I used to volunteer as a legal advocate for survivors of sexual assault, and whenever this fact would come up in conversation it would often lead other women to disclose some incident that had happened to them. I don’t necessarily mean legal-definition rape here (though there were a scary number of those), but just among the dozen or so women I am closest to, every single one has some form of sexual assault in her past. And no, I’m not exaggerating this for effect or anything. Literally every single one.

Just among the women who managed to escape the worst (so to speak), one fought her way out of a car and ran two miles home to get away from a boyfriend who didn’t want to stop when she told him to, another had a boss trap her in a storeroom and feel her up, another had a guy follow her into a bathroom at a bar and rip her shirt off, another had three men dry hump her against her car in a parking lot until someone else scared them off…the list goes on and on and on. At some point in the life of literally every woman I know, some asshole has at least threatened her with rape in a very real and terrifying way. The statistics don’t even scratch the surface of how prevalent this shit is.

I apologize for the enormous dose of depressing, but this is as close as I can come to explaining how unbelievably fucked it is to be a woman in this society. Please return to your regularly-scheduled dick jokes.

I appreciate you writing in, even if your sole purpose was to leave a gigantic, rape-y turd in the punch bowl. I can’t for a second imagine the various difficulties and pitfalls of being a young woman subject to unwanted advances from men, and yet I still find something off-putting about your email. As much as my heart goes out to all the women you described, I take issue with your assertion that being a woman in today’s society is “unbelievably fucked.” I’d like to downgrade it to “believably fucked.” Women in Africa and the Middle East are unbelievably fucked. They get their clitorises cut off or they get AIDS as teenage prostitutes or they get stoned to death for adultery after someone besides their husband rapes them.

In terms of opportunity for education and employment, America in the 21st century is probably the pinnacle of female existence throughout human history. Yes, OBVIOUSLY we still have a long way to go, and perhaps our patriarchal past allows the lesser men you described to act on base impulses, but we also enjoy a democratic society and the rule of law that can punish those acts. You can’t say the same thing for Iran.

Again, I’m not trying to belittle or demean the gravity of rape and sexual assault that so many women experience — I’d like nothing better than to personally mete out the death penalty to child molesters. What I’m trying to say is that American society is more good than bad, and that we still favor the courageous to the cowardly.

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dear ksk,
Im a 21 yr old with severe self esteem issues. I have a really prominent nose, and huge frontal ears that got me picked on as a child. I was called bunch of names that affected my viewpoint of myself. It didnt help that my parents lost our home when i was 17 and i was forced to drop out of school in order to work to help pay the bills. Thankfully, i got my ged and have taken clep credits and i’m ready to enroll to a university next year. My problem is the following; i want to have a better experience this time (from high school) around and i think that plastic surgery would truly help. However, my parents who are not paying one cent for the procedures, have told me that they would disown me if i went through my surgeries. My parents (old school mexican) viewpoints of the procedures are that this is how god made me and i should deal “with the cross that he gave me.” Should i risk the surgeries and my family’s banishment for what some consider a pointless exercise?

I truly believe that the surgeries would help me become less conscious of my looks and help with my confidence with the ladies. Considering i had to sacrifice my teenage years for the family, should they have the right to manipulate my life now as an adult?
thanks,
living in the cleanest bathrooms in texas

Oof, that’s a tough one. I’m somewhat sympathetic to your parents: you are, after all, a product of their DNA. Because you don’t want the features that they gave you, they probably feel that you’re rejecting them. By changing your appearance, you’re sending a message to them that they somehow failed to make you correctly. Their threats to disown you, I suspect, stem from a fear of their child rejecting them. (DISCLAIMER: I have never in my life taken a single psychology course or read any textbook on the subject.) That said, it’s not right for your parents to try to manipulate your decisions as an adult — though that’s never stopped any other parent before.

The ideal scenario here, of course, is that you realize you’re perfect the way you are, blah blah blah, then we all hold hands and sing “Kumbaya.” But the fact of the matter is that a LOT of us change our appearance to feel better ourselves. Many endomorphs embark on life-long trials of diet and surgery to be thin. Women dye their hair to hide gray hair or just to get a different look. And getting braces to straighten our teeth is practically a rite of childhood. Think about it: is a mouth full of crooked teeth any less attractive than a big nose or radar ears?

My point is, the line is blurry when it comes to “correcting” what we don’t find attractive about ourselves. If a small-breasted woman feels like she’d be more confident and happy with breast implants, then she should feel free to get them. Ditto for you and your features. You should be able to look at the mirror and feel comfortable with what you see without worrying about being disowned. Ideally, that comfort comes from mental acceptance and not surgery, but we don’t often inhabit an ideal world.

So, right. Your parents. The surgery. I don’t know what to tell you except that you’re still a young man with a lot of life in front of you, and this is a big, irreversible decision. If I were to make this sort of choice, I’d want the support of my friends and family. Maybe that means wait; maybe that means convince your parents to join your side.