Before we begin today, I’d like to respond to some criticism from last week’s mailbag.

In case you don’t remember, one reader talked about a woman who lost interest in him after he turned her down when she was drunk. Personally, I think it’s foolhardy to turn down sex, but my response — which perhaps lacked perfect clarity — led commenter “stinkdaddy” to say this:

Haha, that second guy was too much of a pussy to commit sexual assault! What a loser! Really Ufford? You don’t know the difference between taking advantage of bad judgement and boning someone who is “incoherently drunk?” Let me help. One is bad judgement, and the other means you just fucking raped someone. It’s subtle, I know.

I guess this is what you end up with when a trained Marine pretends he’s also qualified to dispense relationship advice.

First things first: I have never once said that I’m qualified to dispense advice. In fact, I’ve said the opposite repeatedly, yet people keep writing in with questions. And I don’t see why being a “trained Marine” (redundant for any veteran, by the way) has anything to do with that. At best, it implies that someone who served in the Marine Corps is too stupid or immoral to give relation advice, and at worst it implies that Marines are inclined to rape people. It’s just a shitty, ignorant thing to say.

Anyway, to be clear – because apparently I need to make the most obvious declarations with every piece of advice I give – in no way am I a proponent of sexual assault. The reality is that a lot of people have sex after lowering their inhibitions with alcohol, and to to skip past that reality and twist my words so that you can jump right into screaming “Rape!” is nothing more than trolling. Fuck you. Die in a chemical fire.

There. Much better. Let’s get to your questions.

Caveman,
Football – I am in a keeper league and have been having a real issue with my WR and RB options. For WR it’s either Megatron or Roddy White and for RB it’s Bradshaw or Hillis. Another opinion on this matter is greatly appreciated.

Can you keep Megatron AND Roddy White? Those would be my choices: White and Williams are the second- and third-ranked players at their positions according to NFL.com’s 2011 fantasy ranks. Bradshaw and Hillis, meanwhile, are 17th and 18th. And while I don’t stand by those rankings as hard and fast truths, they do reflect a reality: your WRs are top-tier consistent producers, while your running backs are talented first options who can put up good numbers. If you HAVE to keep one of each, flip a coin. Personally, I’d roll the dice with Roddy and Hillis.

Sex – I was browsing the internet the other day when I came upon a picture of an ex of mine. The picture is of this person giving a hand job with her mouth to someone. It is unmistakably my former girlfriend. This is definitely not a picture I had taken because I like to think my penis is better looking and I am not a prick who posts pictures of their exes. I dated this person for some time until I finally realized that being with someone like her (abusive, insecure) was not worth it. We still send each other the occasional email around holidays and birthdays but that is the extent of the relationship. I guess my question is, should I reach out to her about something like this?
Thanks, Burt

We had a similar question to this sometime in the past, but it’s hard as hell to sift through the archives, so I’ll give this another whirl.

On the surface, it seems like the right thing to do would be to tell her about the picture, because that’s the most honest and open path. But really, what does she gain by you telling her about that picture? What can she do about it? Seek some kind of legal injunction against whichever ex-boyfriend (or fling) took the picture? I doubt it. And even if she gets it removed from whichever site it appears on, it will only pop up on other forums.

And all of that, of course, assumes that the picture was taken for private use only. What if she got paid for that photo and knew it was going to end up online? It’s not a likely scenario, but it’s possible. And that would make your holiday email exchange with her even MORE awkward than the baseline of “I found a picture online of you blowing a guy.”

Let it be. The kindest thing you can do for your ex is not share the photo with anyone.

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Dear KSK,
Fantasy: I’m in a keeper league where we keep 6 players.

Holy shit, that’s got to be the most boring draft in all of fantasy football. “And with the first pick of the draft, I select Owen Daniels.”

We usually have to submit our keepers the Monday after the NFL draft. Is it reasonable to ask the commissioner to put off naming our keepers until we know for sure that there will be a season? I’m just not confident that all of my players will be in the same exact situations a year from now as they are now.

I think that makes perfect sense, and I don’t see why any commissioner wouldn’t be flexible in making changes to accommodate the lockout. You’d have to be a giant asshole to be all, “No! You’re locked into your keepers now! Even if there’s no 2011 season!”

Sex: This is unfortunately a sad and serious topic. Pretty much every girlfriend and any other female friend I have had over the years has at some point told me that they were molested at a young age. I’ve heard stories of fathers, uncles, babysitters, religious figures, and family friends molesting them. I just recently had a girl completely break down to me and tell me how a good friend of the family molested her when she was 7 and then her mother beat her for lying when she told her about it.

I guess my question is: do you have similar experience of your girlfriends/friends telling you similar stories or do I just happen to know a skewed sample of girls? Furthermore, are we just that fucked up of a society where a girl can’t make it to the age of 10 without someone molesting her?
– Lil’ Wayne Chrebet

Does it happen to a lot of girls? Yes, absolutely. Does it happen to every girl? Certainly not. It’s possible that women who were molested are just drawn to you, or maybe you live in West Virginia. As always when I don’t have a good answer, I look to Wikipedia for answers:

In North America, for example, approximately 15% to 25% of women and 5% to 15% of men were sexually abused when they were children. Most sexual abuse offenders are acquainted with their victims; approximately 30% are relatives of the child, most often brothers, fathers, uncles or cousins; around 60% are other acquaintances such as ‘friends’ of the family, babysitters, or neighbors; strangers are the offenders in approximately 10% of child sexual abuse cases.

So… yeah. Cheerful subject. How ’bout them Knicks?

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Dear Colossus of Cunt,

That… that’s really not a very good nickname.

I do not really wish to file this topic under “sex” for forthcoming apparent reasons:

So, a few weeks ago I was at my gym and a guy asked me about something workout related, and I chatted with him for a bit. From time to time in the next few weeks I see him around at bars, and he will buy drinks for my friends and me without fail, even though I try to refuse. It turns out some one of my female friends knows him from around town as he is somewhat of a local fixture, and she tells me that he is a super nice guy and is often buying drinks for people. She also informs me that he is gay. I am straight, and I have no problem with gay people even though I’m from a part of the country that does not tend to embrace homosexuality.

So, the Midwest, the South, or Utah. Got it.

So I talk with him a little bit, and end up giving him my number after telling him that I was looking for a job, and he offered to call me if he heard of anything.

This is when things start getting weird. For the last two weeks he has started texting me almost daily asking how my day is going and what’s up. He also sent me some late night texts telling me how much he wishes I were with him on a business trip he was on, and that he wants to spend lots of money on me. He later sent me an “oops I see I sent some drunk texts the other night ;)” text, and I’m not sure whether that is more or less unsettling. After some very curt text messages back to him, he tells me that he knows I’m straight and that I need to stop being so homophobic. If I don’t text him back promptly, he’ll ask if he’s offended me. Let me add that this man is in his late 50′s. Now, I’m sure half of your commenters will tell me I’m a huge pussy and this is all my fault for not telling him to step the fuck off, and the other half may call me a homophobic, unworldly heathen for being uncomfortable interacting with a gay man, he’s also black and I’m white if you want to add “racist” in there.

Anyway, the guy seems like a nice dude who is generally well-liked around town, and I’m sure I will run into him again in the future, but I straight up do not like getting creepy text messages all the time. Today, he suggested that we should get dinner sometime. Also, he frequently calls me “stud.” So I have a few questions to throw out into the universe:

1. I have always assumed that gay people would know not to try to force a 22 year old clearly straight men into their gay world. Should he not expect me to be skittish about even speaking with him at this point? Does he not have the social responsibility to reign that shit in a little? Plus he’s like 30 years older than I am. I’m kind of irritated with the gay community that one of their members has put me into this situation.

2. This needs to stop, so how the fuck should I handle this?

First of all, you’re WAY off base about expecting gay men to respect your straightness. You know how women play hard to get, and we chase them because we’re idiots? Well, straight men are the ULTIMATE hard-to-get for gay men. And keep in mind, they might like musicals and have excellent taste in interior design, but they’re still men. Which means they think with their dicks just as much as we do — maybe even more so, since they get to target other men and don’t have to worry about offending feminine sensibilities as much.

Is he a creep? Yes, absolutely. But you need to stand up for yourself and handle him the way a woman would handle a gross older stalker. It’s a 3-step process: 1. Clearly state that you don’t want him to contact you any more. 2. Ignore his texts/calls. 3. If he persists, get yourself a restraining order. Who gives a fuck if he’s well-liked? He’s an asshole.

Post script: You’re irritated with the gay community because of one gay man, huh? That’s like being irritated with Italian-Americans for “Jersey Shore,” or being irritated with black people because of Tyler Perry, or being irritated with women because of Kate Gosselin. It’s preposterously reductive.

Football: The Colts

DING DING DING! Sorry Utah, the winner is “Midwest.”

are saying they are thinking of drafting a QB fairly high in the draft. Does that not seem like the most wasteful pick of any team possible at this point. Though I loathe that pale-faced choke artist, Peyton has never been hurt and by all indications has at least 5 years left in my humble opinion. So two colts QB’s…. what does it mean?
-Likin’ the ladies more than ever

Maybe, maybe not. Maybe they’re thinking of grooming a young QB with more talent than Jim Sorgi or Curtis Painter — maybe as a long-term replacement for Manning, maybe as insurance for Manning’s aging body (that they could deal for more picks like the Pats did with Matt Cassel). Who’s to say, really? The Colts have made pretty excellent personnel decisions over the last decade, so I’d give them the benefit of the doubt for now.

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Hi Captain,
Sex: No problem there. I get as much as you would expect after 10 years of marriage and 2 kids which is not as much as I would like but enough to keep me happy.

*yawn* Good story.

Football: My exposure to the NFL started in the late 80s when one of the TV channels down here in Oz started to show a game of the week around midnight on a Friday night.

I think it’s really cool that people call Australia “Oz” for short. And yet, every time I see it in writing, I’m like, “Holy shit you’re from OZ?!?!? But that place isn’t real!” It comes from a childhood of seeing The Wizard of Oz and The Wiz. I can’t even imagine what it’s like for people whose frame of reference is the HBO series “Oz.”

One game a week was all we got. The games seemed to always feature either the 49ers or Oilers. I then became a fan of the Oilers. A few years later the broadcasts stopped. Then around 1998 they started again. By this time the Oilers no longer existed and I decided to pick a new team. We had an American at my work place who I asked about the current league. He steered me in the direction of a team which had a history similar to the Australian Rule Football team I support, mediocre with the occasional good season. So I became a fan of the Patriots. Since the explosion of the internet and my exposure to NFL based blogs I have come to realize that the team I follow has a supporter base that I under no circumstances would normally associate with. The question is am I able to renounce my fandom of the team and just follow the NFL as a whole or am I stuck being one of them?
-Concerned.

Just about every enlightened sports fan has a byzantine set of rules for what teams you can and can’t root for, and who’s a real fan versus who’s a poseur, and when it’s okay to wear a jersey of your team, et cetera ad nauseam. But I think when you’re an international fan who’s never had the chance to pick a team based on watching the games with native fans, none of your allegiances need be set in stone. For now, just watch the games and root for which players are on your fantasy team, or whichever team is more fun to watch, or whichever team has Rex Ryan on the sidelines.

I’ll try to watch a little EPL every now and again, and I say that my team is Fulham because they’ve been home to American players like Brian McBride, Carlos Bocanegra, and Clint Dempsey (my favorite player). But when it comes down to it, I’ve never lived in London, never been to Craven Cottage, and have only ever met one Brit whose favorite team was Fulham. (Everyone in London seems to cheer for Chelsea or Arsenal, with a sprinkling of Spurs and West Ham supporters. Fulham seemed a distance fifth in terms of fan bases.) My point is: it’s hard to truly connect to a team unless you feel like you’re part of the fan community. If you don’t feel like a part of FACKIN FOOTBALL RED SOX NATION, well, feel free to take your loyalties elsewhere.

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Dearest Caveman,
Longtime reader of the mailbag. I’ve finally been motivated to write in after struggling with a lady-related issue. First off the Fantasy question: after getting some serious mileage out of the ‘Kurt N Kitna’ moniker over the past couple of seasons, I feel it has grown stale. While there is no hooker-killing duo quite like them, I was wondering if you had any suggestions for team names that might strike fear in the hearts of my opponents. (PussyTubers has been taken…)

Worry not, dear reader. Every summer, Big Daddy Drew compiles a giant list of KSK-approved fantasy team names. Wait until July, then come back to KSK every hour until we post. Until then you can peruse the previous years: 2010, 2009, 2008, and 2007. It’s fun to revisit what was relevant in previous years. Remember Fred Smoot and his double-ended dildo? Ah, how I miss the sex boat scandal.

SEX (sorry this will be long): After years of sleeping around in a drunken and drug induced haze with anything that moved, I met a girl through my program at school. She was fit, good looking, funny, good in bed, smart, easy to talk to, similar interests and priorities to mine, supportive of me and very caring/loving. Things progressed quickly needless to say, and I felt that for the first time in my life (of 27 years) I actually, legitimately, was in love with someone and could see myself with them in a long term relationship, (the longest, continuous relationship I had been in before might’ve been 5 months? So this was a huge step for me to even think about.)

But…?

However here is the let-down: in recent years I had been struggling with a number of serious problems, some of which I had ignored, some of which I had tried (and failed) to get help with. A few weeks before I met her, I was undergoing a psychiatric evaluation for really bad obsessive compulsive disorder, which I put on the back burner once the relationship progressed. Needless to say, that backfired. She wasn’t an idiot and could see that my brain worked differently than other people’s. Along with the OCD came a number of rage and anger issues, anxiety and depression.

Furthermore, I had always fancied myself as (or took pride in) being an smart-ass/asshole/tough guy who didn’t have much of a filter, so I would do and say things to her that were borderline stupid, or lies or just idiotic. These were things I could hide at times, but not forever, and she accepted them for a while, and probably could have lived with them if it weren’t for the final personality strike which was my chemical dependency.

When sober, I can usually be a stand-up individual (which is what attracted her to me in the first place I suppose). When drunk (and these things would occur long before she was in the picture), I would become a tazmanian devil, drinking to the point of blacking out, getting behind the wheel, stealing things, getting into very aggressive fist fights taking any pill I could get my hands on, calling old hookups, ending up in flop houses or brothels or after hours parties with shady characters, and so on. After a night of ‘bad things’, I called her for a ride home. When she arrived she witnessed me and my roommate in the aftermath of a brawl against 3 or 4 guys and a couple of girls, in cuffs on a city sidewalk. (Don’t ask me how I was able to weasel my way out of the charges, but we got off, thank god, as my future profession prevents me from having any type of criminal record…). She gave me a couple of weeks benefit, and then high tailed it out of my life (which I do not blame her for doing…).

Needless to say, my life went into a bit of a tailspin and I thankfully hit rock bottom without doing too much more damage to myself or others. Currently I am undergoing treatment for the OCD, which has progressed really well. I stopped drinking cold turkey, and began to get help from professionals in regards to my other mental issues. Months have passed, and without going into too much detail, I am doing a lot better now.

That’s lovely to hear.

As for her, she started dating some hipster d-bag from our school program (which absolutely floored me…),

Really? And do you think for even half a second that some “hipster d-bag” is worse than the reckless, dangerous, drug-abusing, drunk-driving, whoring guy she dated before? Reality check, buddy.

but they decided recently to go their separate ways. I guess my question is… what do I do to get her back in my life?

…Invent a time machine?

(I know from the description above, that this might be border line impossible, but from what she had told me at the time of break-up, and in the aftermath, I am pretty convinced that the possibility still exists.) We haven’t had much contact lately as I obviously needed to focus on myself, until the other day I sent her an e-mail saying hi and asking how she was doing. Her response was luke-warm at best, so where do I go from here oh wise one? I actually would be perfectly fine with just being her friend, and having her in my life as such, but I really do not know how to go about it. I await your guidance.
Sincerely, Admiral Heavy

Generally speaking, I think the human race would be a lot happier if more individuals would be happier to let go of people in their lives. Obviously, my opinion in this regard is colored by the life experience of growing up in the military and moving every three years — I’ve grown to enjoy fresh starts where I leave everything behind, and only stay in touch with the people who truly matter to me. And so, on the few occasions where I’ve treated a girlfriend poorly — not quite as bad as you, but still worse than any decent person deserves — I’ve always wanted to move my life away from her (maybe not by moving away, but always moving on). Seeing the ex-girlfriend just reminds me of how shitty a person I was, and I’d rather focus my life on moving forward. I’d rather build something new than try to fix up the rubble.

Now, second chances are great. I don’t discount the fact that you loved this girl, and I’m sure you’re confident you can get it right this time if she just gives you the opportunity to show her. Maybe, maybe not. Maybe she takes you back but won’t let you get close to her because she can’t force herself to trust you, and then you spend the second iteration of your relationship apologizing for things that you’ve gotten treatment for and are trying to move past — not exactly the best thing for either of you. Or hey, maybe she takes you back and it’s awesome — but I’ve never known anyone who’s enjoyed that route.

My suggestion to you is to you is a heartfelt email to the ex. Let her know how special she is, and everything you loved about her — and also how sorry you are that you dragged her down with your problems. Let her know that the regret you feel about losing her has helped you get your life back on track, and that whatever capacity she’ll allow you in her life, you’ll gratefully accept even though you don’t deserve it. That sort of honesty allows you to express your feelings, but it also gives her an out — it relieves her of the burden of having you in her life. After saying your piece, you can move on. I’d recommend taking the regret and sorrow and love for your ex-girlfriend, and applying those feelings to building a new relationship with someone else.

(Note: the first two images used in this article came from the delightful tumblr glass case of emotion.)