Whew! We made it to April! That means it’s almost draft time! And once the draft comes and goes, we can finally kick off four months of speculation about which rookies will have an impact on fantasy football. WHEEEE!!!! …assuming, of course, that there isn’t a lockout that cancels an entire year of NFL football and possibly a season of “The League.”

But it’s also spring! Who needs football when women are wearing tank tops and sun dresses again! HOORAY TITTIES! Oh titties, how we’ve missed you. Don’t get us wrong, you look great in sweaters, but it’s so nice to see you breathing the fresh vernal air, exposed to sunshine and our loving, attentive eyeballs. Welcome back.

Of course, nobody wrote in about a lovely blossoming romance, because that would be way too easy for me. Let’s talk problems.

Caveman,
FF- As a diehard 49er fan, (yeah there’s like 10 of us left) I find it hard every year to NOT pick at least 2 Niners on my team. Obviously if this were the 80’s, I’d be killing it, but alas, it is 2011 and as I’m sure you know, we have a cancerous hole on our team known as Alex Smith. I usually take Frank Gore or Vernon Davis, easily in the top 10 in their respective positions each year. I know you shouldn’t put too much hope in your favorite team as it pertains to Fantasy Football but honest opinion, am I selling myself short because I go with players I know and see more often?

Yes. It’s okay to be a homer, but you should use your homer-dom wisely. Because you’re always going to overvalue the players on your team, use your inside knowledge to snag up-and-comers, not stars. Last year I gave Ben Obomanu — who’d started to become a favorite Hasselbeck target — a spot start when I found out he’d be replacing the injured Mike Williams, and Obomanu went off for 159 yards and a TD in a loss to Kansas City. That was the upside of being a homer. The downside was when I started him the next week, and he left the game with an injury after just two catches.

Anyway, you can do worse than drafting Vernon Davis or Frank Gore, just don’t overvalue them. Better to be the guy at the draft who takes advantage of other fantasy owners’ biases than to be the one predictably snapping up 49ers.

Sex- I got married to a awesome woman about a year ago and I couldn’t be happier. I know we’re young, I’m 25 and she’s 23 but from the get go we told each other everything, people we’d been with, things we’d done and I realized after dating her for over a year that she was the one. No giant epiphany or anything, I just got tired of dating and fucking dumb, money grubbing, selfish whores that abound here on the West Coast.

Yes, because the West Coast is the only place that has women like that.

I don’t regret anything, I’ve done some FUCKED up shit as it pertains to sex and women so I didn’t feel like I was missing out on anything when I said, “I Do”.

The only thing that weighs heavy on my mind is… this is it?

I mean, life is good, my woman loves me and we’re dirt poor but we’re making life work. I guess I thought that life would change drastically and I’d have a hard time being faithful to her and enjoying sex with the same person over and over but… it’s not. It’s easy. Really fucking easy. Am I blind to things that will happen over the next couple years, or is the perception of marriage being hard just a huge show? I’m not trying to sound smug, I just don’t get it. Life for me hasn’t changed at all, other than this hunk of metal on my left ring finger.

Use this in the mailbag if you want or not, I realize it’s not as interesting as some of the other questions from college aged guys you get, but maybe I’m just looking for someone to tell me that sometimes… life just ISN’T as drama-filled and tough as it seems. Maybe I’m just the most boring, content guy in the world. That would suck.
Thanks man.
-Sean

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being in a happy marriage with a well-adjusted and understanding partner. After all, marriage is supposed to be a partnership of two people who love each other and share a similar vision for the lives they want to lead.

That said, you’ve got a long-ass way to go ’til death do you part. Don’t take your victory lap just yet, and don’t turn to the crowd to celebrate, lest you get hit in the head with the metal folding chair of your wife’s first pregnancy.

*********

Dear Purveyors of Poon Pouncing,
Sex: A girl I from a study abroad program I attended a few years back is flying cross country to visit me in a few months. While abroad, she and I had a couple of close encounters, but nothing ever came of it despite her knowing that I had expressed an active interest. Her friends claimed that she was turned off by the fact that one night I spurned her advances due to the fact that she was incoherently drunk, and I would not have my conquest go down with an asterisk…and also the whole gentleman thing I guess.

Lame. “Oh, I’m too gentlemanly to sleep with a woman I like because she’s drunk!” Fuck that. What are you, a car? Some piece of heavy machinery? For all you know she’s only attracted to you because she’s drunk. Better to benefit from someone’s poor drunken judgment than to never benefit at all.

After that, I tried a few times to make things happen but was shut down. My question is how do I successfully plant and cultivate the seeds so that they blossom into a majestic Fuck Orchid by the time she arrives and should I take her visit as a green light to plant such seeds?

I suggest you give her some flowers. Then get drunk with her.

Football: Are you at all surprised that Cam Newton hasn’t yet pulled an Eli and stated that he refuses to play for the Bills? I feel like he would be the type of doucher to make demands and I don’t know why more players don’t refuse to play in Buffalo.

/only consulting you about these issues because they were not covered by Ron Swanson’s Pyramid of Greatness.

What’s more ridiculous is that Eli Manning refused to play for San Diego. Holy shit, what a fucking numbskull. San Diego is the closest thing to paradise in the contiguous 48 states, and Tardface McGillicuddy refused to go there. I bet that asshole’s never even had a fish taco.

**********

Caveman,
I have a big time pantyhose fetish. To me, there is nothing more attractive than a woman showing off a nice pair of legs (and feet) in a pair of nude or slightly shimmery pantyhose. Never fails to get me aroused. I’m 26 years old, and I’ve felt this way for as long as I can remember. Now, based on the number of X- and R-rated websites that cater to this sort of fetish, I assume that it’s not totally uncommon. On the other hand, that doesn’t necessarily provide validation, as I could probably find websites catering to even the most disgusting, deviant things I can imagine. So my question is, how abnormal (or not) is this type of fetish?

I wouldn’t call it “perfectly normal,” but it’s certainly not abnormal, either. The nice thing about your fetish is that, unlike a lot of fetishes out there, you can talk about it with a woman without her being instantly repelled by your desires. Green light: “I just happen to think a woman’s legs look incredibly sexy in pantyhose.” Red light: “It’s so hard to find a woman who will defecate on my chest.”

Also, in my experience, most women hate wearing pantyhose, saying that they’re not comfortable, which I guess makes sense. Does that make it unreasonable for me to want significant others to indulge me in this?

Remember when you talked about those X- and R-rated websites as if you weren’t allowed to say the word “porn”? Well, those same pantyhose-fetish websites also feature a men ejaculating on women’s faces. Which is to say: it’s wise to remember that porn/fetish websites exist to fulfill sexual fantasies and aren’t representative of normal, realistic sex lives. I’m not saying that ALL women don’t like wearing pantyhose or taking facials or defecating on people or what have you, but a fetish is a fetish specifically because it’s outside the norm.

Like I said, pantyhose is a pretty acceptable and inoffensive fetish. I’m sure just about any woman in a relationship would be happy to wear hose for a night if she knew it turned on her boyfriend and she was going to get particularly enthusiastic sex out of it.

Football: I have no question here, as it’s April, so I’ll offer a comment. My league awards 6 pts per passing TD, and I like it that way. So there.

Thanks
Pantyhose Guy

Hey, whatever makes you happy, you sick freak.

**********

Football statement: Watching The Masters coverage late Sunday reminded me how much I fucking hate Jim Nantz. That’s all.

No one in sports deserves to be murdered in a mugging gone wrong more than Jim Nantz. That is all.

Sex: This is kind of long, but I assure you it’s for good reason. This is a question that clearly does not get asked often enough, so I figured I’d write in about my little situation. I dated a girl a few years back when I was young and stupid, and she abused me emotionally for 11 months (during this time I dropped out of university, got kicked out my house, and many other fun things) before I finally manned up, got some help from my friends, and cut ties. Since, I have turned my life around from college dropout useless skinny nerd to moderately successful straight A student about to be finished with undergrad Mechanical Engineering at a major university, and she has continued the spiral she started back when I let her run my life.

I’m not exaggerating when I say she’s the most evil bitch I have ever met in my life. The things she gets away with are borderline criminal. To Jersey Shore reference her, she argues and lies about on the level of Sammi, drinks more than Snooki, and demands more attention than the entire cast put together.

I’m sure we’ll get into this more later, but most “evil bitches” act that way because they’re almost completely lacking in self-confidence. They pick fights with you because they don’t trust you, and they don’t trust you because they don’t have enough confidence that they can keep a man interested. That’s why they call every other girl fat or ugly or a whore: it makes them feel better about themselves while implicitly telling you that you have bad judgment if you find those other girls attractive. They’re not evil per se; they’re just sick in the head.

But perhaps I’ve interjected too much. Continue.

Our most significant interactions in the last few years (the relationship ended nearly 5 years ago) are INCREDIBLY BRIEFLY described:
*I pick her up one night when she’s drunk, sleep with her, and since she won’t shut up, claims I’m not going to class later, and I have an 8AM class the next day, I literally pick her up and throw her out of my apartment, and then I throw her clothes after. She walks home 7 miles at 4:30AM.
*She calls me one night I am extremely hammered at a bar, to the point I don’t remember showing all of my friends who it was, answering the phone and cussing her out. She later shows up at the bar and tries to take me home. My friends yank me out of the bar and make sure she doesn’t follow.
*I go to a bar and see her there with her friends. I am with my friends. She texts me asking who the “sluts” are that I’m with, demanding I leave them and come with her instead. I don’t.
*I am out on Halloween and her and her friends show up at the bar I’m at. I am deep in my costume to the point where I’m not even wearing glasses and I don’t think she knows what I am. She immediately finds me, says she heard from a friend of a friend what I was dressed as. Her and her roommates are all dressed as different iterations of Britney Spears. Her roommate won’t stop groping me. I leave.

I can’t tell you how many times I have treated this girl like complete shit in an attempt to get her to go away. I can’t tell you how many times I have ignored text messages or gchat messages from her because she didn’t get the hint when I was calling her a fat cunt. After a long time of “letting” her contact me through different means, she slowly lost her rights to things like gchat and facebook because she couldn’t be a human being. I have as of this morning blocked her number, and the numbers of all her friends’ phones she has called or texted me from. Probably the first thing I should have done.

Yup.

She called me 7 times at 3AM looking for sex. I have early class. This is very much not the first time this has happened.

My question is this: If this fails to work, and she continues to find ways to contact me and see me, how seriously should I consider a restraining order? I know, I know. I should have done this LONG ago. I often am afraid she is going to find a way to destroy a meaningful relationship for me (something I am having trouble finding since I am emotionally checked out thanks to the shit she used to pull) Does anyone have any insight on this subject?
Thanks,
Ho Equation Proven

UPDATE: This morning I woke up to 3 gmail chat requests (her and two of her friends’ gmails) and an email from this psycho at 1:30AM with just this: “Hey. Can I come over? I can drive.”

This is two days after I blocked the numbers.

Wow, you’ve got 99 problems and a bitch is ALL OF THEM.

Certainly what she’s doing can be considered harassment, and I think it would be wise to consult a lawyer about the possibility of a restraining order. I’ve seen some extreme cases in my time, but your ex-girlfriend is a special breed of crazy, well past the point of listening to reason or taking hints like, say, you throwing her out of your apartment naked at 4:30 a.m. or calling her a fat cunt.

And let’s talk about those hints, shall we? It’s too late for you to correct your mistakes, but perhaps others can learn from them. So, gentlemen: if you find yourself in a relationship with a crazy girlfriend, there is no hope for your happiness as long as you stay in that relationship. Unless she’s self-aware enough to realize that she needs therapy and/or medication, there’s no lifting her up into your realm of love and sanity. All she can do is pull you into her cauldron of distrust and co-dependence. She’ll slowly cut you off from your friends — because she can’t control them, only you — and no matter how much you meet her demands to make her happy, she’ll still pick fights, argue with you over trivial details, demand that her unwarranted fears be placed ahead of whatever work/school commitment you have, and bait you into bad behavior like cruel words and physical violence. And as a man in a relationship, you never, ever, ever, EVER win when an argument results in any sort of grabbing, shaking, hitting, etc. One little bruise is all it takes for you to end up in jail.

But you already know these things, I assume. For the uninitiated, the best thing you can do is cut that person out of your life completely. Tell them over the phone or email if you have to, and then cut off all communication. De-friend her on Facebook. Block her number. Change the locks. Change your number if you have to. And yes, save those emails and voicemails, and bring them with you to the lawyer’s office when you look into getting a restraining order. Sure, lawyers cost money, but that’ll be the sweetest money you ever spend. Think of it as buying the freedom to move on with your life.