I won’t lie to you. Not every mailbag is a winner. But sometimes, we don’t get a lot of submissions. And, you know, it’s not every week where someone’s ex-girlfriend gets murdered. But I try to do my best with what I’m given, and there are some moderately interesting topics raised this week, so please: read on. I just don’t want to oversell anything.

We start things off this week with a positively THRILLING discussion about grammar. This is an actual email exchange, and not my usual style of interrupting a single narrative.

Caveman,
I appreciate your grammar Nazism, as it’s sorely needed and probably not oft received among the core KSK readership. On that note, however, I wanted to amend your comment last week [actually, it was two weeks ago - Ed.] about how one should never use an apostrophe to pluralize. Using an apostrophe is actually the traditional correct way to pluralize acronyms (however, there is debate on this topic). For example, the correct plural of ATM is ATM’s.

That’s all. No fantasy or sex questions for now.

Disagree. ATMs is smoother, cleaner and impossible to confuse as the possessive. “This ATM’s screen is cracked.”

The one true exception — which, in fairness, I didn’t mention in the previous mailbag — is individual letters. “How many S’s are in ‘Mississippi’?”

Well I’m not gonna get into a slappy bitch-fight over this, but I’m just telling you that the style guides I’ve been required to use in school and now professionally (I’m a lawyer, insert offensive remark here, though as a Vikings fan it’s very difficult to hurt me) all mandate apostrophes when pluralizing acronyms. That wikipedia article I linked to says one can go both ways.

I personally agree with you that it makes more sense to not use apostrophes, for the reasons you stated, but it also makes more sense to not put two spaces after periods (especially if you want to avoid the wrath of Slate’s Farhad Manjoo), yet the firm I work for requires it anyway.

Carry on.

The fact that the firm you work for requires two spaces after sentences should effectively negate any argument that what they mandate is correct or accepted, since two spaces is redundant in this brave new world of intelligent typefaces.

There will always be small differences in style guides — should TV shows be in italics or quotes? — but in trivial matters like this I go to the single most important quote from Strunk & White: “Clarity, clarity, clarity.” I save my apostrophes for the possessive, and my readers will never be confused by their use.

**********

That was fun, right? Now let’s talk sex and football.

Greetings oh Purveyor of Fabricated Football,
Football: I really just have to say how disappointed I am that Jordan Gross and Seattle’s 12th Man were eliminated in the first round of the online Madden bracket. That would have been fucking perfect if either had won.

Could you imagine the Madden Curse for a group of 67,000 fans in attendance? Would the crowds just be quieter all season? Would Qwest stop selling out? Would every season ticket holder suffer a freak knee injury? Or would it be something more disastrous, like the upper deck collapsing in the middle of a game? Frankly, I’m intrigued.

Onto Sex: I had been dating a girl from my school for the last two years. I’m a senior about to graduate. She’s a sophomore, and she’s going to be transferring to an art school five hours from me in the fall. She was supposed to transfer this semester, but she stayed, to be close to me, even though I told her at the time to follow her heart and not make this mistake- I’ve seen it blow up in people’s faces before.

Soooo… you’re talking about college, yes? I figure a sophomore in high school wouldn’t transfer to an art school.

Anyway, the relationship was great, even though at times I began to take her for granted. We broke up about a month ago to “take a break” because she needed some “time to work on herself.” I stupidly agreed. Last week, I realized that I wanted to get back really badly, and we decided to try that. Long story short, a week in, she goes out clubbing with her friends, hooks up with a guy, and I find out. I trusted her completely before this.

I’m sorry, but this is all so shocking to me — the break, the on-again/off-again thing, the cheating. I’ve just never seen anything like it between college students. Oh, except for EVERY DAY WHEN I WAS IN COLLEGE.

The problem I have is how should I handle this? This has happened to me twice before, but the relationships have never been as good as this one. I can overlook this drunken mistake, but she says she can’t be in a relationship right now, and she doesn’t want to be with me.

I’m going to cut and paste the last sentence you wrote, just to make sure you read it again: “I can overlook this drunken mistake, but she says she can’t be in a relationship right now, and she doesn’t want to be with me.”

We’re kind of being friends right now but she’s not enthusiastic about it. I really want to be friends and win her back even though I know I’m being a little bitch.

You’re trolling me, right? I refuse to believe that a senior in college can be this naive.

I’ve been to hell and back with this girl.

Unless you’ve bought a house together or suffered a rash of family deaths or she wrote you letters while you were serving in Afghanistan or you got her pregnant and she lost the baby: No. You have NOT been to hell and back. You dated for two years in college.

(If you have gone through something that traumatic, however, I offer my condolences.)

I think there’s a chance I could make some sort of long-distance relationship work

Nope.

over the summer

Double nope.

(it’s only a five hour drive).

…and there’s the hat trick.

Should I stay friends in the off chance it could lead to us back together? Or should I just completely break ties?
-Suffering from Bitch Dependency

First of all, SBD, I get the feeling that this is an email about a fake situation crafted to get a rise out of me. However, if this is indeed serious, I’m very sorry. It can’t be easy to go through life as a complete and utter moron.

Pull your head out of your ass. She said she doesn’t want to be with you, she cheated on you as a way to intentionally hurt you, and she’s not enthusiastic about being your friend. What else do you need to get the message? An aerial banner flown across the state fair? A shovel to the head? Preserve some of your dignity and cut the cord.

**********

Hey Captain,
Football: I’m a Bengals fan and now not only have to deal with the lock-out but also the complete and utter lack of a QB. Mike Brown is a terrible, terrible person.

I dunno. Chad Ochocinco says that Carson’s not going anywhere. And when has Chad ever been wrong about anything?

Sex: I’ve been going to school (college and law school) out of state for the past 7 years and, as a result, have been very hesitant to start very many serious relationships.

I’m just going to stop you right there and point out your egregiously faulty reasoning. “Well, I’m only here in college for four years. I don’t want to get attached to anyone.” Good call on that one. People never meet their future spouse in college or law school.

A guy I knew from high school, who was a year younger than I, and I started hanging out again a few years ago and hooking up over school breaks. He recently moved back to my hometown for graduate school and has provided us with a place to get together in town now when I go home. Initially, the sessions consisted mainly of blow jobs and heavy petting due to my inexperience. However, any attempts on my part to move things further have been fruitless. The few times I asked, he made up excuses, mainly saying that he didn’t have any condoms.

Because he didn’t want to have sex with you.

This past break, after having gained more experience while up at school, I brought condoms myself to preclude him from his normal excuses. It was then that he informed me that he “only has sex with people he dates.”

Awww, what a gentleman!

Mind you, this most recent meeting occurred after he sent me pictures of his penis and had been sexting me for a while. When I asked for him to help me out or reciprocate at the very least, I was informed that he also only does that with people he dates and doesn’t consider himself very good at it anyways.

Seriously. He’s like if Prince Charming was a knight of the Round Table.

Needless to say, I left him high and dry and hightailed it out of there. As I was getting dressed, he then proceeded to ask me what my plans were for the remaining few days of break and even texted me later on that week.

I wasn’t looking for a commitment and have never even broached the subject but am writing in because I will be moving back to my hometown for good in a month and a half. While I will be devoting most of my time this summer to taking the bar exam, I would not be opposed to dating this guy if that’s really where he wants to take it. However, given the fact that we rarely speak when I’m out of town/not available to help him out, I have a feeling that his latest bullshit excuse wasn’t an expression of his desire for more. He’s aware that I’ll be moving back at the end of May and was when he gave that excuse. I’m really attracted to this guy and was just hoping to have some fun – what’s going on here?
Thanks,
Sexually Frustrated

Good Lord, I wish it was 1955 and you were in my living room, because I would slap some sense into you.

One day, after you’ve had some ACTUAL sexual experience with REAL MEN who, I don’t know, show you even the slightest modicum of courtesy in bed, you’ll look back on this email and say, “Holy shit, I was a truly naive jackass who should have dated people while I was in college.”

In all seriousness: this guy has no interest in you beyond your mouth on his dick. You’re nothing to him. Tell him to fuck off.

**********

Dear Asshat,
FF: 10-team league going on 6 years old. I play in a couple leagues and this one has by far the most conservative scoring system. No return yards, no bonuses of any kind, and we don’t even use a flex player. As the commissioner, I try to campaign for a few rules changes every year, and they always get shot down. Not having a flex player really limits the chances an owner is willing to take when setting his/her (hopefully his) lineup each week when starting the traditional lineup of 3WR-2RB-TE-QB-D/ST. How can I convince them a flex guy would be a welcome addition, even on a temporary basis?

With only ten people in a league, it would make more sense to have an extra position so that you mine the full depth of active fantasy players. But I’d ease your league into that.

Here’s what I’d do: three weeks before the draft, send an email to your league letting them know that one of the three WR positions is now a RB/WR/TE flex position. Just make the change. I honestly don’t think people will quit their fantasy league of six years for such a small tweak. People love to bitch about change, but when push comes to shove, they fall in line and accept things the way they are. (SEE ALSO: any change to any blog ever. “Oh no! You’ve changed the commenting section! I hate it!”)

Sex: I recently starting going to a new dentist. He’s a younger guy, early 30s (I’m late 20′s), has very modern office and equipment – by far the best dentist I’ve ever visited.

…and you want a different tool of his in your mouth?

He also has two very attractive hygenists, one of whom I have seen on all three visits and we have a pretty friendly rapport for only seeing someone every six months.

Oh. You went a different direction there. Well if you don’t want to fuck your dentist, don’t talk him up like that.

Through some facebook stalking she doesn’t appear to be in a serious relationship. Is it worth trying to ask this girl out? If I crash and burn, I would probably hate going to this dentist I really love, and even if I still kept going, it could be awkward. What say you?
-Big Book of British Smiles

Do a little cost-benefit analysis: is it worth a brief awkward exchange once every six months — if she’s working — for the chance to see her naked? I’d say that it is — it’s not like we’re talking about asking out the bartender at your favorite bar. Hell, if you don’t want to ask her out while she’s at work, you could even ask her out via Facebook message. It’s a little untraditional, but if you keep it simple, honest, and not creepy, I think it would be okay. Something like this: “Hey, sorry to hit you up over Facebook, but I didn’t want to bother you at work or wait another six months to see you again. Can I buy you a drink some time?”

**********

Geez! Sushi Stink (anagram for Kissing the Suze!),

Football first,
Where would you evaluate OchoCinco next year? You know he’s not going to do a single thing for the first three weeks, will go off for about 2 or 3 goals in the fourth game, and someone will offer high for him in trade…so I think, a washed up Henry and Ochocinco for a future 3rd might do it, so he’s a 7th or 8th round flyer at best. My question is how much does the MLS suck?

I assume by your muddled array of questions you mean Thierry Henry, and not Chris Henry. Calling Chris Henry “washed up” would be a little too callous, even for me.

If you’re looking for someone to validate your negative opionion about soccer, you’re asking the wrong person. Soccer is my back-up sport after the NFL, and my favorite team to root for after the Seahawks is the men’s national team. MLS still has a long way to go — hell, soccer in general is still another generation away from true acceptance in the American sportscape — but the league is growing, and it’s being pretty smart about developing rivalries and fan bases. I’m not a fan of MLS, but its development is crucial to American soccer on the international level; thus, I have a vested interest in its success.

And even though I love soccer, it has no place in this mailbag. Keep it to fantasy football, please.

Rant second,
I’m not even going to hide the fact that this is a rant and disguise it as a question like everyone else does, but some comments on the validity of what I’m saying would be most appreciated.

What follows is a long, rambling, and not particularly interesting discussion of long-distance relationships in general and his own LDR in particular. I’ve done you all the favor of cutting it out and skipping to the end.

…Is this all rational?

All the best,

‘Glad neither of us have to suffer in Cleveland’

All the best to you, sir. Keep in mind that a long-distance relationship is never supposed to be a permanent thing. Skyping with your significant other is not a building block for what will become a loving marriage — it’s only a placeholder until you can be together. If there’s no plan to ever be in the same locale, then you’re basically just treading water: you get tired of going nowhere, your muscles give out, and you drown.