Current name: Adriel Jeremiah “A. J.” Green
Position: Wide Receiver
School: Georgia

Age: 22

Height: 6 feet, 3 5/8 inches
Weight: 211 lbs

Nicest comparison: Chad Ochocinco, Randy Moss.
Meanest comparison: Michael Winslow from the “Police Academy” movies.

Strengths: Hand-eye coordination; was on the juggling team in elementary school. Also knows how to ride a unicycle.
Weaknesses: Terrible on trapeeze, has a bearded lady fetish.

Relevant medical conditions: Injured shoulder in 2009, missed three games.

Who wants him: Cincinnati
Who will take him: Cincinnati

What the scouts are saying: Green is a playmaker, but he’s kinda skinny, and really bad at keeping track of his iPod. Scored a 10 on the Wonderlic, but only after using the last page of the exam to remove excess sweat from his balls.

Immediate impact: Sits the bench behind Jordan Shipley.
Down the road: Saves ozone layer, provided it’s either sunny or windy outside.