You might have heard yesterday about Pro Football Weekly writer Nolan Nawrocki writing this scathing and oddly personal account of Cam Newton’s flaws as an NFL prospect…
Very disingenuous – has a fake smile, comes off as very scripted and has a selfish, me-first makeup. Always knows where the cameras are and plays to them. Has an enormous ego with a sense of entitlement that continually invites trouble and makes him believe he is above the law – does not command respect from teammates and always will struggle to win a locker room. Only a one-year producer. Lacks accountability, focus and trustworthiness – is not punctual, seeks shortcuts and sets a bad example. Immature and has had issues with authority. Not dependable.
A couple of things here. One: I bet he’s totally right about Cam. Two: I love that there’s a rogue scout out there who’s not afraid to lay down the law and say really terrible and possibly untrue things about everyone in the draft. I looked back through some of Nawrocki’s archive, and he’s similarly unflinching in his assessment of pretty much every other prospect. Have a look.
AJ Green – WR, Georgia
Strengths: Excellent route runner with strong burst off the line. Knows how to use body to create separation. Played in pro-style system and could help contribute immediately.
Weaknesses: Can be prone to drops. Questionable lower body strength. Often lackadaisical when it comes to weakside blocking. Has an alarming smile, as if he just got back from sodomizing your toddler and knows you don’t know it yet. Has a sexual fetish for women with hairy arms. Smells like a tire swing. Bitched when there wasn’t a volleyball station at the Combine. Once told friends his father was a king and that his family lived in a castle. Told this lie at age 8, which suggests a long history of not being truthful. Has Rebecca Black listed in the ARTISTS section of his iPod, which suggests he either likes Rebecca Black, or is so submissive to his girlfriend that he ceded control of the iPod’s library to her. The fact that he didn’t delete it off his iPod prior to our routine scouting seizure suggests frequent mental lapses.
Ryan Mallett – QB, Arkansas
Strengths: Great size. Tremendous arm strength. Throws an NFL-ready deep ball. Stands tall in the pocket.
Weaknesses: Prone to turnovers. Footwork is spotty at best. Seems to play best only in smallest moments. Drinks heavily. Smokes weed. Brushes teeth with crack. Has a gray penis, which is always a troubling sign. Standoffish. Rude. Arrogant. Still ices other bros. Once bragged that he fucked a 14-year-old in the back of a Pizza Hut while her birthday party was going on in the event room. Transfer student. Probably a freak. Bet he listens to The Cure a lot. Eats spaghetti with his hands. Stole my girlfriend. No lie. One day she tells me she wants to break up with me, then I see her two days later hanging out with this fuckface at Sonic. And it was clear that this had been going on for a while. WHY WOULD YOU DO ME LIKE THAT, APRIL? I know I wasn’t the perfect boyfriend, but to leave me for that guy? YOU VICIOUS CUNT.
Von Miller – LB, Texas A&M
Strengths: Excellent 40 speed at the combine. Born leader. Benched 225 over 87 times in strength test.
Weaknesses: Overpursues and can get caught flat-footed on trap plays. Joined the NFLPA lawsuit against the NFL, which suggests he has a problem with authority. Probably will lead a mutiny against your coach, then steal your coach’s wife and claim her as his own. Communist. Marxist. Leninist. Hitlerist. Watched The Motorcycle Diaries and adored it. Big fan of Tommy Craggs. Probably reads way too much. May have “ideas” for how to scheme things, like a little know-it-all bitch. Will require “re-education,” if you catch my drift. Severe re-education, including the Schlereth Urine Torture.
Nick Fairley – DT, Auburn
Strengths: Dominant when motivated. Rare 3-technique that can clog up the run and rush the passer.
Weaknesses: Lazy. Lazy. LAZZZZYYYYYY. Took 47 hours to exit his mother’s womb during childbirth. Once refused to get off the Bubba Tub at Wet N’ Wild even though the park was closing at dusk. Has never once put his plate in the sink after eating. Just leaves the plate there, expecting the goddamn magic fairies to clean it up. Says he’s on your way to your party when he’s still at home and hasn’t even showered yet. Was once hospitalized with exhaustion after reading a TV Guide. Shoots at canned goods to open them. Will refuse to give you driving directions even if he knows precisely where you’re going.
Blaine Gabbert – QB, Missouri
Strengths: Levelheaded. Pro-ready. Excellent pocket maneuverability.
Weaknesses: Homosexual. Obvious from first name. Slurps down cum like it’s fresh milk. Slow to get to third and fourth reads because too busy thinking of hot, gorgeous men with thick, steely thighs and beautiful hard cocks. Probably steals quick glances at cock in the locker room. Can’t be trusted alone in a room with a receiver after meetings.
Da’Quan Bowers – DE, Clemson
Strengths: Strong enough to hold contain on outside runs, but quick enough to get to the passer. Probably best end on the entire board. Could develop into a Strahan-type stalwart.
Weaknesses: Violent. God, he’s just so terribly violent to people he loves. You should see him make his girlfriend fly across the room. She’s just a little, delicate thing. Yet he beats on her as if she’s made of oak. The drinking. The mood swings. Catch him on the wrong day and you feel as if you’ve walked into a cyclone. Once chained a dog to his bed and whipped it with a copper wire. Then again, you gotta love a player with a nasty streak.
I want more like this!
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