Oy, sorry for another late mailbag, folks. This bad boy is probably riddled with typos, but I’ll clean it up tonight after I’ve had a couple hours of NOT staring at a computer screen. Let’s get right to your questions.

Caveman,
I have a job that I think is pretty interesting and could get me a foothold with a certain demographic of ladies, I’m also 19, so there’s that. My question is, how can I bring up my job without sounding like a pompous dick? I’m in school so most of the girls I meet aren’t really asking “what do you do.”

You really don’t need to post this in the mailbag, but if you’ve got some brief advice I’d be appreciative
-Largo

I seem to be getting more of these questions: “Help me with a problem, but please don’t publish it.” While I appreciate that some people trust my judgment enough to reach out that way, I’m not some endless font of free, private advice. I write this column for reader entertainment, and for the few shekels that Uproxx doles out to us every month. So that’s the deal: you want advice from me, it’s gotta go on the blog.

(Largo didn’t mention this in his email, but his signature trumpeted his greatness as a freelance music journalist. So the “certain demographic of ladies” he’s getting a foothold with are girls with big-frame glasses, skinny jeans, and oversize t-shirts hanging off one shoulder.)

Let’s get this out of the way: your job isn’t cool. Nothing “freelance” is cool. No journalist is cool, except maybe Anderson Cooper. Most jobs of ANY KIND aren’t cool. Blogging isn’t cool. Lawyer: not cool. Doctor: not cool. Any job that a 19-year-old can get: automatically not cool. Even if you did have a truly cool job — like firefighter or Marine scout-sniper or bare-knuckle shark fighter — if you bragged about how cool it was, then you’d just come off sounding like a douchebag.

Why don’t you ask a girl out by inviting her to a concert? You can call her up and say, “Hey, I’m supposed to check out Zombie Jesus and the Fartknockers this Thursday for work, and they’re supposed to be pretty good. You want to join me?” And then she’ll either say “yes” in which case, hooray for you. Or she’ll say “What’s your job?” in which case, hooray for you. Freelance music journalist ain’t a big deal, but when you’re 19, it beats the hell out of waiting tables for beer money.

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Dear KSK,
Fantasy first: I’m the commish of a 12-team league that has been going strong for 5 years now. Since the beginning we’ve had some players drop out but I’ve never had to kick someone out of the league. Most of the teams are super-competitive and everyone seems to do their homework but this one guy really seems to be mailing it in the last three seasons (11-28 record.) He mostly drafts Jets’ players (homer!) and he even no-showed for the draft this year. Everyone is asking me to get rid of him and bring in someone new but I feel bad because he’s one of the guys that’s been in the league from Day 1 (and he even won the first year.) Should I cave to the other owners or should I show some loyalty to a guy who helped make this league successful from the beginning?

I never, ever understand these questions. I’m in two different leagues that are both stocked with extremely good fantasy managers who conduct extensive research and snap every hot up-and-comer off of waivers before they even become free agents. I absolutely cherish the one or two players in these leagues who are total patsies: not only can I make fun of them at the draft for sucking, but I can use their weaknesses against them (before Week 1 last year I traded Reggie Bush to the Cajun Boy for Matt Forte — straight up — because he wanted more Saints on his team. NICE.).

If your friend — I’m assuming he’s your friend, yes? — is paying his league dues on time and not engaging in any collusive behavior with other owners, then he’s not doing anything wrong. Perhaps, as the commissioner, you can talk to him about whether he even wants to be in the league — skipping the draft and not fielding a competitive team suggest that maybe he’s just sticking around out of obligation. Communicate the concerns of the owners, but let him run his team how he sees fit.

Look at it this way: would the Ravens and Steelers try to kick the Browns and Bengals out of the AFC North so they could add the Patriots and Colts to the division? No, because that would be fucking stupid.

Sex: I wrote back in August about hooking up with my ex after a 2+ year hiatus. It turned out to be a one-night thing because she had a boyfriend at the time (I had no idea.) Things quickly got weird after that… She ended up pregnant and is now married to this dude. I’ve run the numbers and the day we hooked up is right around the time that she got knocked-up. I’ve heard through the grapevine that she’s aware of this timing issue too but she hasn’t tried to contact me once. She’s already married this guy so I guess I should assume she’s pretty sure he’s the father. It’s too late for me to warn the guy that she’s a cheating whore, but should I say or do anything about the possibility of this being my kid? Or should I just shut up and cross my fingers and hope I never hear from her again?

As always, thanks for the help and keep up the good work!
-Might Need To Invent A Time Machine

With so many unknown factors, don’t waste another second worrying about this. For all YOU know, your ex had been trying to get pregnant in order to rope her boyfriend into marriage, but his sperm was weak so she decided to harvest your seed in order to execute her plan. That sounds impossibly crazy, and yet there’s no evidence in your email to suggest it might not be true.

Regardless of whose sperm got to your ex’s egg, her husband IS the father. He’s the one changing diapers and feeding the kid and (I assume) providing paternal love to it. Hence: the father. You: just some guy who got laid and was too stupid to wear a condom. Or at least pull out. C’mon, man. That’s like Not Getting a Girl Pregnant 101.

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CC:
Fantasy: Our league has been going strong for five years, but we’ve hit upon a big rules change debate over the last two years: whether to include return yards in points. I support it (at 0.5pts/10 yards to make it half as valuable as rushing/receiving); it’s a big element of the actual game, makes for a deeper player pool, and favors owners who do more research. My assistant commissioner (long irrelevant story as to why I have one) strongly disagrees, saying it’s too complicated. We agreed to let you arbitrate. So: in or out?

In general, I like the way return yards affect draft strategy: DeSean Jackson arguably becomes the league’s #1 receiver, and in the later rounds players like Leon Washington and Jacoby Ford gain considerable value. Specifically, I like your proposal of half a point per ten return yards. For example, let’s say the Bills get crushed one Sunday. Pretty easy to imagine, right? C.J. Spiller, as usual, is completely worthless in the running game, but he does return six kick-offs for 130 yards. That’s 6.5 points, plus 3.5 points for his 35 yards rushing and receiving, and minus two points for losing a fumble, because that motherfucker always fumbles. That’s eight points: not a game-breaking player, but a fair representation of someone who contributed notably to the special teams game.

Now, before you consider my arbitration final, take your league’s owners into account. In general, your league’s settings should match the fervor of the players. If you’ve got a bunch of addicted freaks, then yeah, you can (and should) add the wrinkles that make a fantasy football game more closely reflect a real game. If your fantasy owners are more casual, then obviously you can get by with integer scoring and no PPR. Remember: a good commissioner serves the league, not the other way around.

Sex: Married for three years, and happily so in almost every area but the bedroom. The main culprit: my Rick Pitino-level stamina. Makes sex less fun for both of us, which makes her less interested, which makes sex less frequent, which makes me less happy – it’s a pretty vicious cycle. A few potentially relevant facts: (1) yeah, condoms help, but we’re trying for a baby, so those aren’t a viable solution; (2) the only area it’s a problem is regular old intercourse, oddly; no problems with oral or when I’m jackin’ it; and (3) the problem seemed to begin right about after I stopped drinking five years ago (I’m a recovering alcoholic – fuck you, Charlie Sheen, for this kid, sobriety is #winning), so I have some concerns that this is basically a legacy of having spent my formative sexual years completely reliant on booze for stamina.

Any advice in this area? (I mean, from what you’ve heard – I’m sure you’ve never had this problem.) I’ve tried kegel exercises and medications, neither of which have proven particularly helpful, so I’m open to pretty much anything at this point: my wife’s an amazing woman who deserves to be properly pleased in bed.
Looking to love her long time,
Quickest Trigger in Virginia

My best friend from the Basic Officers Course in Quantico was afflicted with a similar problem. Or maybe he still is. I don’t know, I haven’t asked about his ejaculation lately. Anyway, he had that fast trigger, but then he’d get it up again and be able to last longer the second time. Of course, he was a young man at the time (23), and the woman he later married ended up cheating on him, so maybe this wasn’t the best anecdote to lead with.

It seems like you’ve tried all of the standard remedies, so this is kind of tough. I assume that, given your condition, you’re a master of cunnilingus, so I won’t get into that. Have you tried desensitizing lube? You need to apply it and then wear a condom (otherwise your wife will get desensitized, too, and no one wants that. Until she’s pregnant and giving birth, of course). As for you conceiving a child, well, have longer sex with the condom on, then take it off before you ejaculate. Other things that can help: woman on top (your orgasm has to fight gravity) and gently pulling your balls away from your body (they migrate up into your body before ejaculation to shorten the trek for your sperm).

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Alexanders of Taco,
I’m not sure if you guys remember, but I wrote in to the mailbag last year. I’m the virgin cripple that can’t jerk off.

How could I forget? It remains the saddest virginity story I’ve ever read. In case you missed it:

I’m 20 years old and have Muscular Dystrophy. It’s gotten worse over the years and left me in a wheelchair and dependent on a ventilator (think Christopher Reeve after he superman’ed off that horse). I still have feeling everywhere, I just can’t move that much. I have very little hand strength and can only really move my right hand enough to work a touchpad. I’m also a virgin. I’ve tried everything from real life dating (got rejected) to online dating, but no girl ever thinks of me romantically. This wouldn’t be such a big deal if I could jerk off, but, like I said, I don’t have sufficient hand strength. Toys are out of the question because I’d need someone to work them and there’s no one that would do that. Hookers are out of the question because of legal stuff and personal reasons (like refusing to pay for sex).

I’ve never had an orgasm so to say I’m sexually frustrated is like saying Tebow likes Jesus. I’ve asked a lot of people and they’re all kind of lost on what to do.

Good Lord, that’s depressing. Brother, if I were even a little bit gay, I’d give you a handie myself.

Anyway, when I wrote in, I was about to roll away to college and y’all suggested that being there would open up for me. However, things broke down (read: my family is nuts) and I had to move back home. So basically, no UCLA vagina for me, which is a travesty. So I’m back home and I feel like driving off the sidewalk.

I’ve been hanging around a dating site and I’ve managed to charm a couple of girls into actually being interested in me. Even into possibly doing the humping. However, whenever it came time to meet up, they always flaked. I have some idea why, and I’m sure you do (hint: it rhymes with superability). I try not to think that way because it’s not constructive, but it’s hard to ignore the elephant in the room. I’m pretty much spinning in the mud and I don’t know what to do. I feel like if I talk to them about I’ll come off as insecure (I am, but they don’t need to know that).

What more can I do? How do I get over the hump?

I’m glad you’ve given online dating a try — I recommended Craigslist last time, because there are ALL KINDS of people there — but I think I can do better for you this time. I Googled “disabled dating,” and KAKOW! Crazy results: DateDisabled.com, DisabledPassions.com, dating4disabled.com, DatingDisabled,net… SO MANY CHICKS IN WHEELCHAIRS.

Um, I meant that in a much more positive way than it came out. What I’m trying to say is that if there’s anything that the Internet does better than porn, it’s bring like-minded people together. Just look at this little nook of NFL dick jokes.

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Caveman,
Fantasy football first. We have a dude in our league, that never paid his $100 fee last year, and hasnt paid the $100 this year. Outside of the obvious of needing to collect in advance, what limitations do I have in pursuing payment? He replied to an email about 2.5 weeks ago saying he would put the check in the mail, and big surprise, no check yet. I am ready to ramp up my collections efforts. I posted on his Facebook wall this morning. I have no qualms calling him at work, he has a corporate job – I got some free time. Can I file a claim in small claims court?

I’m not a lawyer, and anything that lawyers have expertise in automatically bores the shit out of me. I’m sure you could file a claim in small claims court, but I doubt you have any kind of binding legal agreement that would make the effort worth your $200. Also, I feel compelled to point out that you were pretty stupid to let him do that TWO YEARS IN A ROW.

Just call him at work repeatedly saying “WHERE’S ZA MONEY LEBOWSKI?!?” That’s a technique I can respect.

As far as sex goes. I have it. With a girl! I’ve been dating a girl for almost two years now. I never thought Id get engaged before 3-4 years of dating. But, Ive been entertaining the idea the past few months. However, my girlfriend has been hoping, expecting, wanting to be engaged for about the past year. I get asked about it every other week by her. Its starting to really piss me off. She wants a timeline, for me to say, “I think we will be engaged by the end of August”. I guess I can give some loose “commitment” to it, but she wants a firm time line. I dont like being pushed and Im not comfortable with that, so every time she brings it up, we end up in fight.

Whats a dude supposed to do? Im 28 and she is 25 if that matters.

-One in the stink from FatHumpsanapolis

Oh man, we’ve ALL known that girl. The girl obsessed with getting engaged so that she can shift to obsessing about her wedding. For your sake as well as for the sake of everyone she knows, you gotta turn that crazy dial down. Sit her down, explain to her that you ARE taking the relationship very seriously and thinking about engagement and marriage, but you’re an old-fashioned guy and you want there to be some romance and surprise to it when/if it happens, and her constantly talking about timelines works against your planet-sized love for her.

On the other side of the coin: a woman who stresses about an engagement timeline and picks fights with you about it isn’t likely to lose those traits after you pop the question. There will always be something else to stress about: wedding invitations, prenatal vitamins, which school your kids go to, et cetera et cetera and on and on forever. So when you have that talk with her, maybe explain to her, “Hey, would you rather me ask you because I made a decision that I want to spend the rest of my life with you — or because you nagged me until I said, ‘Fine, let’s get married.'”?

Also: apostrophes are your friends. Don’t ignore them.

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Indirectly sex-related: I have a core group of friends that I have been tight with since first grade and now we have all just graduated. I have always thought them to be genuinely good guys and trustworthy friends. However, I am recently rethinking that assessment as I have noticed a disturbing pattern in how they operate with women that have been dated or romantically connected to others in our friend group. Now, I know some overlaps are bound to happen from time to time, but I find that this is a constant thing. For instance, if one person has a girl that he is not dating but is consistently hooking up with, some if not all of the members will spend the evening actively trying to sex away this one girl. I seem to be the only one who has any sort of moral code about this, and I have never once done this to any of my friends, and have even ducked out of situations where my friends’ past girlfriend’s have been the ones initiating. And right before we all split off to move to different parts of the country, one of my pals (who constantly complains to me that another one of our friends tries to steal all of his ladies) spent an entire trip trying to hook up with a girl whom I was having casual relations with, and had traveled there to see. My friend offered no explanation or apology, and I mostly said nothing, not wanting to sully a friendship because of a girl, especially when he was moving away the next week. The dirty slut of a girl ended up flying to see him, having known him for the duration of that weekend, and had sex with him, and they never spoke again. Anyway, I have generally addressed this problem with my friends in the past, and tried to explain words such as “wingman” or “bro-code” or “loyalty” but it seems to do nothing. So my questions are: Do I have dickhead friends and what should I do to quell this problem in the future? Hookup with their ladies?
-Paragraphless in Pussytown

You have shitty friends. Get new ones.

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Ahoy captain,
Football. Sweet, sweet, football: As the commissioner of a 16-team league that hasn’t seen many personnel changes over the past few years, how many people do you think I should make sure are on my side before kicking someone out? The replacement process is going to be a bitch, but I’ll worry about that later. For now, my concern is a guy that traded Tom Brady for Beef Moe and Visanthe to his best friend in the league (who ended up with a championship ring). I accept responsibility for not raising flags during the trade review process, regardless, it was either collusion or an act of retardeditry. Either way, between that trade and a general lack of participation, with a handful of like-minded fantasy owners I can kick this guy to the fantasy curb guilt-free, right?

I’d say so. As a commissioner, I assume you have the ability to kick people out at your whim, but I think it’s wiser to have a majority of owners on your side. Democracy and all that.

Sex: an ex-girlfriend (that I actually emailed you about in the past) recently sent me a “How’s life?” email. After dating for a little less than a year and being broken up for 5 months now, I assume she wants to bone. Valid assumption?
-Rob O’Cop

Assume nothing; assumptions lead to disappointment. I absolutely think it’s possible that she wants to bone, but I wouldn’t come to that conclusion until she’s naked in front of you. I always recommend post-relationship reminiscence sex, as it combines getting laid with nostalgia for sex you used to have. It’s like fucking your memories. So if you’re down for that, ask her if she wants to catch up over coffee or a drink. If she chooses “drink,” you still shouldn’t assume anything, but I’d recommend bringing a condom just in case.

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Caveman,
Sex: I’m happy to report that I’ve been progressing steadily through the Caveman stages of post break up recovery. I’m done wallowing in pity, I’ve already put in some major work on the self improvement front, and I’m starting to put myself out there to meet new people (meaning I’m trying to get laid). I do have one issue though which I believe may be a new topic to the mailbag. I’m a former hardcore boozer who has gone sober. I’m totally happy with my sobriety and have been for a long while. I found out that I don’t need the social crutch and that I can still go to bars with friends and talk to women without stress. Herein lies the problem. I’m out with people who are getting anywhere from simply loosened up to obviously blacked out. Now as a man scoping out potential partners for consensual sex, I feel like I’m treading some potentially ambiguous moral and legal ground. I know not to hone in on sloppy drunks, who are unappealing to the sober eye anyway, but how do I gauge where I cease to be just another eligible suitor and become a lurking predator with an obvious advantage over the impaired prey? Can I buy girls drinks? Its really tough because I can no longer just rely on explicit consent.
-Handle

Whoa, easy on the conscience there, Saint Handle of the Round Table. I respect your desire not to date-rape anybody, but the people in that bar are all legal adults (I hope) making the adult decision to imbibe alcohol. You said yourself that the sloppy drunks aren’t appealing to you (snob!), so go out there and offer to buy the less-tipsy girls drinks. Or just talk to them, whatever.

The bottom line is that you want to get laid, right? And you wanted to get laid when you were still drinking, right? So nothing has changed — except now you can offer to be her designated driver. NICE!